Deny Thy Father

Part VI- The Final Cut

The newspaper on the table was full of headlines that Sirius didn't want to see. Lord Voldemort was gaining power. Mysterious disappearances and Muggle deaths were increasing. Restrictions were tightening on giants, vampires, goblins and werewolves as the blame for the deaths and disappearances was placed on them. They weren't linked in the paper, except in a column on page twelve by Timothy Potter.

Arden had been irate, ranting about libel and slander and conspiracy theories. Timothy Potter had finally cracked, and he for one had seen it coming.

Sirius did his best to ignore it, but it was impossible and he found his temper flaring more frequently. The results were never good, and the Potter house became a welcome refuge.

"You could just stay here for the rest of the summer," James suggested. "My parents would have you."

"I can't," Sirius sighed. "Not yet."

"Why not?"

"I can't give up that easily. That's not what family's supposed to be."

"And the way your parents treat you isn't what family is supposed to be, either."

Sirius had no answer to that, but he returned home the next day anyway.

He spent a tense weekend at the Lupins', having forgotten it was the full moon in his haste to leave his own home. Remus was quiet and withdrawn, beyond what Sirius had seen in years. Sirius spent the evening and the night in the garage with Damien, working on an engine. In between tutorials on engine blocks and combustion cycles, Damien explained that Remus had been to the Ministry yesterday, and there was a new official at the Registry Office that made Sirius's parents look open-minded. Damien's mouth was thin and tight as he explained this, and Sirius could only imagine what had been said.

Marilyn brought sandwiches out to them shortly before moonrise and sat on an overturned bucket making a pretense at marking papers. There was an atmosphere of helpless waiting hanging over the garage, but none of them spoke of it, even as it bound them together. Sirius would have liked to have asked questions about what this was like for Remus's parents, but for once he remained silent.

He sat with Remus the next day after Damien had healed the wolf-inflicted wounds; Remus never allowed them to see the full extent of the damage. His friend lay in bed with his eyes closed, not saying anything. Sirius longed to transform into the dog Remus found it possible to talk to, but Remus simply held his hand and said nothing. It never occurred to Sirius that Remus was waiting for him to speak.

He went home with heavy trepidation, not knowing what to expect. It wasn't his father- Arden would either ignore him or be furious, and while the first was preferable, Sirius was now used to the latter. It was his mother that was unpredictable, swinging between loving gentleness and frigid anger.

"Not in public!" Those words still cut through Sirius's heart, although it was hard to admit just how much. But he heard them at odd moments, creeping up on him when he least expected it, breaking the wounds open anew.

When had it changed? He remembered his mother before Hogwarts. Maybe she wasn't always as demonstrative with him as she was with Regulus, but there had been small touches and kisses and kind words. She'd been proud of him, consistently. Back before Hogwarts. Back before... back before Remus.

He hated to think it, and every time the thought entered his mind he slammed the door. But the truth was his parents had approved of James and of Peter. Remus represented Sirius's first open act of defiance; the first schism with his family, the first thing that made him truly question his father and begin to open his eyes.

He missed the way it used to be, and yet he couldn't go back. What had begun about Remus had blossomed. There were other half-bloods and Muggleborns at Hogwarts that Sirius knew and liked, even if he was not as close to them as his other friends. And with the rising darkness in the land, Sirius couldn't pretend he felt differently.

***

"There's been an owl from Hogwarts," his mother said.

Sirius, who had been lounging in across the plush arms of a chair, sat upright. "What did it say?"

"O.W.L. results," his mother said, waving the parchment between her fingers.

"Can I see them?"

Her lips twitched in a grin. "I'm very disappointed in you, Sirius."

"What?!"

"An E in Charms?" She tutted and shook her head. "Honestly. When you received an O in everything else...."

He snatched the paper from her and studied it eagerly, and then let out a loud whoop. He wasn't surprised- magic and classes came easily to him. But to see it in writing like that was heady indeed.

"I hope you'll continue your Transfiguration," his mother said wistfully.

"I plan to."

"Maybe you'll even become an Animagus."

"Who knows?" It was all he could do to keep from changing into a dog right then and there.

She smiled at him, ruffling his hair affectionately and Sirius wished the moment would last forever.

***

His father had little to say when his mother informed him Sirius's O.W.L. results had come. There was a grunt and a few muttered words of approval and that was the end of it. Still, Sirius remained undeterred. Eleven O.W.L.s was exceptional and he knew it, and so did his mother.

She didn't press the issue though, he noticed. She didn't insist Arden should be proud or tell Regulus he should do as well or even order a special dessert with dinner to celebrate. Even if Sirius wouldn't admit it, it hurt.

It hurt when he received an excited letter from James, telling him he'd gotten twelve O.W.L.s and his parents were buying him a new broomstick. It hurt when he heard from Remus, who'd matched his eleven, and he mentioned his parents had taken him out to dinner at a fancy Muggle restaurant to celebrate. Even Peter, who'd only managed six, had had a night off from his summer job for a celebration. He said it was the first night since his father's death his mother had been truly happy.

It seemed like O.W.L.s were important everywhere but in the Black household.

He was surprised to get a package a week later. It was a penknife, with a note from his great uncle Alphard congratulating him on his O.W.L. results and an invitation to meet up in Hogsmeade when school resumed.

"Did you tell him?" he asked his mother.

"Of course not." She was brisk, flipping through a potions book.

"Did Father?"

"I doubt it. Your father hasn't had much to say to Alphard these days."

He shrugged it off, but was mildly surprised when he received a package and a note from Andromeda and Ted as well, although Andromeda did mention that Alphard had told her. He was glad to hear they were still speaking, despite Alphard's disapproval of her marriage. Andromeda had sent a box of chocolate frogs, a welcome gift for his return to Hogwarts. Or it would have been, if his mother hadn't thrown them out when she discovered who they were from.

***

"What are you doing?"

"What's it look like? Go away." Sirius was stretched out on his bed, chewing on his quill.

As usual, Regulus ignored him and came over to look. "'Dear Remus,'" he read aloud. "You're writing to the Mudblood?"

"No, I'm writing to Binns's pet frog."

"Binns has a frog named Remus?"

Sirius looked up and fixed his younger brother with a withering glare. "You're such an idiot."

Regulus was stung into silence, but not for long. "Everyone in Slytherin knows about him," he said.

"That he's a half-blood? It's not exactly a secret."

"Not that. The other thing."

Sirius froze. "What other thing?"

"He's a shirt lifter."

He let out his trapped breath in a relieved exhalation. "No he's not."

"He is too. Everybody says it."

"You hang out with six people. That's not everybody."

"Well, all the Slytherins say it. They say you and James are shagging, too."

This was so absurd that Sirius burst out laughing, turning over onto his back. "So what's Peter doing during this Gryffindor orgy? Snapping pictures?"

To his surprise, Regulus started laughing too. They both laughed, unable to stop until Regulus had to sit down next on Sirius's bed before his legs gave out.

"Can I ask you a question?" Regulus said as the laughter died away.

"Sure. Why not?"

Regulus lay down beside him. "How do you get a girl to like you?"

"Huh? I thought I was shagging James."

"Come on. For real."

"Why would I know?"

"All the girls like you," Regulus pointed out.

"Yeah. I know."

"So? How do you do it?"

Sirius shrugged. "Don't know."

"You must have a lot of girlfriends," Regulus sighed enviously.

Sirius shook his head. "Nope. Never had a girlfriend."

"Why not?"

"All the girls might like me, but..." he shrugged a shoulder casually, "I don't like any of them."

"Are you a poofter?" Regulus asked.

"Nah. I've just had better things to do."

Regulus snorted. "Like what?"

"Hanging out with Remus, Peter, and James. Hexing Snape. Seeing how long it will take us to drive McGonagall to St. Mungo's. Sneaking out with James to go to the Three Broomsticks. Getting eleven O.W.L.s. Mastering advanced and terribly dangerous magic. I've got too much on my mind for girls."

"Wow. But... what about, y'know, sex?"

"Guess it would be nice," Sirius agreed. "But just if it was sex. Problem is girls then want you to pay attention to them and talk about feelings and relationships and stop hanging out with your friends so you can be with them. Can't be bothered with all that."

"And James doesn't make you do any of that?" Regulus teased. Sirius swatted him.

"Very funny. Actually, he has a crush on Lily Evans."

"The redhead prefect? She's hot."

"She's okay, I guess."

"Does she like him?"

Sirius laughed. "Nope. Thinks he's a conceited git."

"She's right."

Sirius shrugged.

"What about Peter?" Regulus pressed. "Does he have a girlfriend?"

Sirius snorted with laughter. "No."

"And does Remus have a boyfriend?"

"Remus isn't a poof."

"Yes he is."

"No he's not!"

"Why do you defend him like that?"

"He's my friend!"

"He's the reason Father doesn't talk to you anymore."

"Shut up!"

"But Sirius, he's a filthy Mudblood. No- listen to me. You know Mother and Father hate him. If you just dropped him like they want you to, everything would go back to normal!"

"And what was normal when we were kids, Regulus?" Sirius got off the bed and began pacing. "Being locked inside all day? Never having any friends because no one was good enough for us? Being whipped for playing with Muggles?"

"I was never whipped."

"I was!"

"Liar. Father would never do that!"

"You've seen him hit me!"

"Yeah, when you get in trouble! You know you're not supposed to go outside. You know you're not supposed to talk to Mudbloods. You know you're not supposed to argue with Father, and you do it all anyway!"

"Because it's not right! It's not normal! And I'm not dropping one of my best friends just because Father thinks he's not good enough! It's not fair!"

"But you can't trust people like that!"

"I can't trust Father, either!"

"What's the big deal about Remus?"

"It's not about Remus! It's about Father! Remus is one of my best friends and he's not anything Father ever said he was and Father won't see that! And Ted- Ted makes Andromeda happy and is the best thing that ever happened to her and he won't see that, either! He thinks these people are evil and beneath us because they aren't purebloods and Blacks, and it's just stupid! It's narrow-minded and cruel, and I won't do it!"

"You're an idiot, Sirius."

"I don't care!"

"You are going to regret it. One day he's going to turn against you, just like Father says, and you're going to wish you listened to us."

"Get out."

"And when that happens, you won't have anywhere to turn, because Mother and Father will just say they told you not to be friends with a worthless Mudblood poof."

"GET OUT!"

With an annoyingly superior look at his brother, Regulus left.

Sirius stalked about the room, wanting in the worst way to punch something and finally settling on his pillow. It was far less satisfying than he'd hoped.

The letter to Remus was still on his bed, unfinished. Sirius shoved it away. He'd finish it another time, when he wasn't so angry.

***

"You didn't write," Remus said on the train.

"Huh?" Sirius pulled his attention back from the window.

"For the past three weeks, after you were at our house. Was everything all right?"

Peter and James were both watching now. Sirius flushed under their questioning gaze. "Yeah. Everything was fine."

"You sounded all right when you wrote to me," Peter said. "Maybe the owl just got lost? Or your parents intercepted it?"

"Yeah. Maybe that's it. I wouldn't put it past your parents, Sirius," James said, liking the theory. "My letters got to me, but they've never liked Remus."

Sirius had to look away from the hurt expression on Remus's face. Remus knew he hadn't written at all.

***

"Did you see the look on his face?" Sirius was doubled over laughing.

James was clutching his stomach with one hand and wiping tears from his eyes with the other. "He's going to kill us next time," he gasped out. "Absolutely kill us."

"It was brilliant," Peter confirmed.

There was nothing but stony silence from the fourth member of their group.

"Uh-oh. Mr. High-and-Mighty-Prefect Moony is upset with us," Sirius sighed.

"C'mon, Moony. It was only a joke," James said when Remus didn't rise to the bait. Remus simply opened the door to the Great Hall and walked in. Sirius scowled with annoyance.

"What's your problem?" he asked as he thumped into his regular seat across from Remus and next to James.

"I haven't said a word," Remus said, serenely ladling lamb stew into his bowl.

"Then what's with the guilt trip?"

"I didn't say anything!"

"Then why are you sulking about Snape?" James demanded.

"I'm not sulking. You played a joke. I didn't think it was funny." Remus pulled an Arithmancy book from his bag and opened it.

"Well what makes you so much better than the rest of us that you don't find it funny?" Sirius snapped.

"I remember what it was like not to have friends." Remus tore a piece of bread in half and dunked it in his stew, eyes on his book.

Sirius, James, and Peter exchanged glances. "Maybe we did go a bit far," James finally admitted. Peter, flushing bright red, nodded.

"We'll behave, Mr. Prefect," he promised.

"Or at least take it down a notch," Sirius suggested.

Remus smiled at them, and Sirius was relieved. That was the great thing about Remus: he never stayed mad for long.

***

It was also the frustrating thing, Sirius decided. Remus didn't get truly mad even now when he had every right to. They rounded the corner, flattening themselves against a wall and panting for breath.

"I think we lost them," Remus gasped.

"You'd think Snape would be a little better behaved towards you," Sirius growled. "You're the only one that stands up for that slimy git!"

"Not that he knows it," Remus said dryly.

"Whatever. He should not have been dangling you like that in front of the Slytherins!" Remus only shrugged, which annoyed Sirius even more deeply. "Remus, he called you the Gryffindor whore! He told them all to come get a piece!"

Remus finally cringed, and Sirius could see he'd been hurt. But all he said was, "Look. Let's just get back to the Tower. It's a full moon tonight."

"Remus, we can't just let this go!"

"We can for tonight."

"Remus. Remus!"

But Remus was walking away.

***

"Well, hello, Black. Where's your little whore?"

"Wouldn't you like to know, Snivellus?"

"Yes, I would. He disappears every month, doesn't he? Just when you need him."

"Shut up."

"Witty retort, Black."

"Want to know where he goes?"

"Excuse me?"

"Talk about wit. Want to know where he goes?"

"Why should I listen to you?"

"No one said you have to. But if you want to find out, wait until it's dark and then poke the big knot under the Whomping Willow. It takes you into a tunnel. He'll be at the end."

"You're lying."

"Maybe. You'll just have to find out, won't you?"

As he walked away one sentence rang through his mind... That will show them.

***

They sat outside, huddled in their cloaks and waiting for the right time. Sirius wanted to relax, but he couldn't. Why had he told Snape where Remus was? It wasn't so much that he was worried about Snivellus, but Remus would kill him if he mentioned the transformation.

"You all right, Padfoot?" James asked, breaking into Sirius's thoughts as if he'd been reading them.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Hey, I've been meaning to ask, what's going on with you and Moony these days?"

Sirius groaned. "What do you mean?"

"You've been biting each other's heads off since the summer," James said.

Peter nodded. "It's been a long two months."

"Don't know what you're talking about," Sirius muttered. It was partly true. He was aware he was angry with Remus for no good reason, even if he didn't name it to himself. But he hadn't realized that Remus was being just as short with him as he was with Remus. "Nothing's wrong."

"Are your-" Peter began, but James held up a hand to silence him.

"What's that?" he whispered.

Sirius followed the line of James's sight and his insides lurched, both in excitement and fear. Snape was really going to do it. He was really-

"Shit!" James swore. "He's going into the tunnel! If he gets to the end-" James transformed into the stag before he could finish the sentence and sprinted to the willow. Sirius and Peter ran after him, neither slipping into their Animagus forms. By the time they were halfway to the tree James was human again and was slithering into the passage.

Sirius and Peter had just entered the passage themselves when they heard the growls of the werewolf. The door had been opened.

"NO!" The frantic cry was from James. Sirius could imagine him grabbing Snape and pulling him back. The door slammed shut and then the keening howls began as the werewolf realized it had lost its prey.

"Oh no," Peter whispered, white and trembling. "He's really going to tear himself up tonight...."

"Don't be ridiculous, Wormtail. We'll be with him. Man, can you imagine the look on Snape's face? Want to wager if he pissed himself?" Sirius was chuckling.

Peter didn't answer. He was moving down the tunnel, walking like someone who had been hypnotized. Sirius huffed impatiently and then followed.

The howls were growing louder, chilling in their intensity. Then the deep growls started, and Sirius began to worry. Those were the growls that usually preceded the wolf attacking itself. Maybe Peter was right. He was about to say they should hurry when James and Snape rounded the corner, nearly smacking into them.

Snape's normally sallow skin was pure white right down to his lips, and he was shaking so hard Sirius was sure he'd fall over if only James would stop supporting him.

"So, Snivellus," he said in a friendly, conversational tone. "Learn a little lesson about minding your own business tonight?"

"You!" Snape hissed. "This is your fault!"

James and Peter both snapped around to look at him. Sirius grinned at them, waiting for them to see the joke. When neither of them spoke, he shrugged and said, "I told you you didn't have to believe me."

"You almost killed me!"

"Technically, no. You-"

"That was a werewolf, you idiot! You said that..." and suddenly, visibly, the pieces fell into place in Snape's head. "That was Lupin," he said, his voice filled with disgust. "Remus Lupin is a werewolf. That's what he's been hiding."

It began to dawn on Sirius that this had not been the best idea.

"That wasn't Remus," James said, shoving Snape further up the passage. "Keep your mouth shut."

"It was Lupin." The color was returning to Snape's face along with a crafty sneer. "So that's why he disappears every month. I never noticed it was always the full moon, but-"

"Gentlemen."

They all spun to see Albus Dumbledore, slightly hunched over in the low tunnel. "May I see you all in my office? Immediately?" The words were polite, but the tone was pure steel.

Sirius tried to meet Peter's eye, but Peter looked away. Only then did he look at James. Some part of him had been expecting it, but his heart sank all the same, in sadness and in shock. James was furious.

As they left the tunnel, a distant howl of pain rent the air.

***

Sirius was no stranger to Professor Dumbledore's office, to the point where he had a chair he thought of as his. The others settled around, Peter opting to stand near the fireplace, arms crossed and eyes fixed on one of the portraits.

"Firstly, I must inquire if you are all right, Mr. Snape?"

"Yes, sir." Snape seemed much more subdued in the presence of the Headmaster, the sly smile wiped from his face. Sirius was glad to see it go.

"Mr. Potter?"

"I'm fine," James confirmed.

"Mr. Pettigrew?"

"Sirius and I were halfway back the tunnel," Peter snapped. "We're both fine. It's Remus that won't be."

Dumbledore nodded sadly. "An unfortunate fact that we can do nothing about tonight," he said softly. "Now. Mr. Pettigrew. Kindly tell me what happened this evening."

Peter gulped and glanced over at James, who nodded. "We- James, Sirius and I- were sitting outside."

"Why?"

"We... we've known since second year about Remus," Peter said, his voice faltering. "And-"

"Wait. You've known there's a werewolf at this school and you never did anything about it?" Snape demanded, glaring at Dumbledore.

"Mr. Snape, I realize that you are rightfully upset, but please allow Mr. Pettigrew to speak." Dumbledore's words allowed no argument. "Mr. Pettigrew?"

Well, we saw someone approaching the tree. James realized it first, and he figured out what they were going to do. He ran over to stop him. Sirius and I followed, but we weren't as fast. James got into the tunnel and pulled Snape away just as he opened the door- at least, that's what it sounded like."

"I see." Dumbledore leaned back, contemplating the four of them. "Is that the way of it, Mr. Snape?"

"Potter pulled me back and slammed the door, yes," Snape said, his eyes flashing with anger.

"And you saw the werewolf."

"It nearly killed me!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic!" Sirius said. "Remus wouldn't have killed you!"

"On the contrary, Mr. Black," Dumbledore said coldly, "Remus is not himself during these transformations. He would have killed Mr. Snape while he is transformed, there is absolutely no question about that. And when discovered, the Werewolf Capture Unit would have seen to it that he was disposed of as well."

The blood drained suddenly from Sirius's face and a loud ringing began in his ears. "Disposed of? That means Remus would have been..."

"Killed," Dumbledore clarified softly.

Oh no.

"Mr. Snape." Dumbledore sounded very far away as Sirius sat frozen in his chair. "Why were you in the tunnel below the Whomping Willow to begin with?"

"Sirius Black told me to go there if I wanted to know where Lupin was. They set it up, the four of them."

Both Peter and James had jerked forward. "What?" "Sir, we knew nothing-"

"They didn't know, sir," Sirius said hollowly. "Peter and James had nothing to do with it."

"Did Remus?"

"No sir."

"Liar. I know why you did it and-" Snape cut himself off.

"Please continue, Mr. Snape," Dumbledore said mildly.

When Snape didn't speak, Sirius spoke again in the same hollow, dead tone. "He called Remus a fag and a whore. He had him dangled and was telling the Slytherins to come get a piece until I hexed him and he stopped."

"I see." Sirius thought that the Headmaster suddenly looked very old. Peter was gaping at Sirius, and James was looked at Snape in disgust.

"Mr. Pettigrew," Dumbledore finally said, shocking Peter back into attention. "You may return to Gryffindor Tower. You will tell no one about this." Peter nodded. "After daybreak, I suspect you will want to visit the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey will let you know how Remus is then."

"Yes sir." With ill-disguised relief, Peter opened the door and slipped out.

"Mr. Black. Through that door is a waiting room, especially for times like these. Please remain there until I am ready for you."

"Yes sir." Without looking at James, Sirius opened the door.

It was a small room with no furniture whatsoever. As Sirius shut the door behind him, a bright, harsh light lit the room, bouncing and refracting off shards of mirrors.

Everywhere he turned his own reflection stared back at him. From the four walls, the back of the door, the ceiling, the floor. He laughed bitterly. How like Dumbledore.

The mirrors reflected back a tall sixteen year old boy with black hair, grey eyes, and a sculpted face, wearing Hogwarts robes. He saw himself reflected from every angle, miniature Siriuses that blinked back at him.

One caught his eye, and he drew closer to examine it. It was him, and yet it wasn't. Not now. It was a confused, uncertain eleven year old boy with a bright red face... right after he'd called his new roommate a Mudblood.

He pulled back, thinking to close his eyes, but other reflections drew him. Always that same black haired boy, but always filled with hate, shame, guilt, fear, anger, weakness, pettiness, suspicion, greed....

Dark.

"That's not all there is," he whispered, willing the mirrors to show him something else. But the mirrors did not change.

He slumped down until he was sitting on the floor, cradling his forehead in his hands. A reflection of himself stared back up- the look on his face when he'd told Snape where to find Remus.

That will show them....

He stared at it, hating himself.

He'd lost all track of time and was curled into a ball when the door finally opened. Soft light flooded in, dimming the mirrors around him.

"I am impressed, Mr. Black. Most students are begging me to open the door within minutes. You lasted twelve hours."

Sirius looked up at the Headmaster with red-rimmed eyes. "Remus?" he croaked.

"He survived the night. Come out, Sirius. I must speak with you." Dumbledore extended his hand, helping Sirius to stand.

He let Sirius attend to some basic needs, and then teacher seated student gently, and then returned to his own desk. "Now," he said, neutrally, "tell me why you did this."

And Sirius told him. Told him he'd been angry at Snape, calling Remus the names he had and humiliating him, when Remus was the only one of them that would draw a line. Told him how he'd thought the joke would go- that Snape would see the wolf, but Remus would never attack and all that would happen was Snape running out of the tunnel, screaming. Told him he'd never considered the possibility Snape could die, or that if he did, the responsibility and guilt would rest with Remus.

"And what will your parents say?" Dumbledore asked once the flow of words had ended.

"They'll be furious I got in trouble, but they'll be glad, because Remus will never speak to me again."

"They don't like Remus." It was a statement, not a question. "Because he's a werewolf?"

"No. They don't know that. My father would probably peel the skin from my back if he knew I was friends with a werewolf. Because he's a half-blood. They call him a Mudblood, they say I can't trust him and he'll... I don't know what they think but since we've been friends nothing's been the same!"

"Do you think that?"

"NO! He's one of my best friends!"

Dumbledore sighed heavily. "One of these days, Sirius, you will need to make the choice between what is easy and what is right."

"Neither of them is easy! Or right! Don't you see? It's not easy to walk away from Remus! I love him- he's my friend! And it's not right either! He's done nothing wrong- I know that! But it's not easy or right to walk away from my family! That's not what family is! Family doesn't give up like that! We don't give up each other! Family comes first and sticks together and defends each other and it's unbreakable! You love them no matter what! That's family!"

"Then ask yourself, Sirius, who fits that definition?"

"SHUT UP!" Red roared across his field of vision as Dumbledore laid his finger on a raw and gaping wound. "Shut up! They love me! Somewhere deep down they do. I do. I love them. Can't you see that? I. LOVE. THEM!"

Dumbledore said nothing, and Sirius was only vaguely aware that there were tears coursing down his cheeks.

"I've known they would hate Remus from the first time I met him. He never hid that he was a half-blood. But he was my roommate and eventually my friend and now I'd die for him, just like I would for James or Peter. I really didn't know what I was doing to him. Please, sir, believe me."

"I believe you," Dumbledore said softly. "And what's more, I believe he doesn't know what he's doing to you."

"Don't tell him. Please."

"I have no intention of doing so. I am somewhat concerned that you do not seem to have the same regard for the life of Mr. Snape, however."

"I won't lie. I don't like him. I never will. But I didn't mean for him to die."

Dumbledore's blue eyes fixed on him in a long, probing stare. "No. I believe that too." He sighed and stood up, walking over to stroke Fawkes. "I will be writing your parents, of course, although I shall not do so until the holiday. I do not want to take the risk of a Howler being sent here and exposing Mr. Lupin. There will be two month's detention, and two hundred House points from Gryffindor."

"That's it, sir?" Sirius asked after it appeared Dumbledore had finished speaking. "I'm not expelled?"

"No. I'm willing to give you a second chance, Sirius." He fixed Sirius with another long stare. "I can only hope others are willing to do so as well." With those words, Sirius knew that Dumbledore was quite aware that the worst punishment was not something he could deliver. "And if they are, remember your definition of family." With that, he waved Sirius from the office.

***

It was mid-morning. The halls were silent; students were in classes. Sirius slipped through them quickly, making his way to the Hospital Wing.

Madame Pomfrey's eyes were cold when he asked to see Remus. "If it were up to me, I'd never let you near him again," she muttered. "But Dumbledore has insisted."

He had insisted, Sirius realized, because he wanted him to see the extent of the damage.

Remus lay in the hospital bed, paler than usual and unnaturally still. There was a deep gouge in his cheek that had been closed but not yet completely healed, and another across his nose. He had several bandages around his arms and neck, and the leg that stuck out from under the sheets was wound in heavy, brown-stained gauze. Sirius leaned over and retched in a nearby basin as the sight- and the guilt- flooded his senses.

He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, wishing that the intense tearing pain could go on forever because pain was punishment, but his stomach was empty and the heaves had quieted. He was just about to speak when a heavy hand on his shoulder spun him around and he was standing nose to nose with a furious Damien Lupin.

"What did you do?"

Sirius gulped. Damien Lupin had always been intimidating, but right now with his yellow eyes flashing behind his glasses, his long hair pulled severely back, and his grease-stained Muggle clothing exposing he was nowhere near as slight as his son, he was terrifying.

"What did you do?" Damien repeated, his voice thick with rage.

"I... I'm sorry," Sirius stammered. "I didn't... I didn't..." His eyes skipped back to Remus and the bile rose again.

"You betrayed him! I told him you were no good." Sirius cringed away. "I told him not to trust you. You're just like them." He raised his hand and Sirius braced himself for the backhanded blow that never came. He opened his eyes tentatively to see Damien standing there, muscles strained and thrown into sharp relief as he held himself back.

"Get out," Damien hissed. "Get away from him. Now."

Amazed that the man had restrained himself when he had every right to pound Sirius to smithereens, Sirius obeyed.

***

He slunk into his Charms class, slipping into a seat in the back. He could see James and Peter sitting together farther up, taking notes as Flitwick demonstrated the Patronus Charm. He watches as a silver eagle shot from the end of Flitwick's wand and soared about the room.

"Of course, when a dementor is present this is much harder," Flitwick explained. "This is an extremely complex charm that many fully qualified wizards cannot master, which is why we will work on it in Charms as well as in your Defense Against the Dark Arts classes. Extra protection is always a good thing." The eagle flew over Sirius's head and back to Flitwick.

In addition to their essays on the theory of the Patronus Charm they were assigned the task of writing a list of happy memories to use next class when they would attempt the charm themselves. Sirius wrote the assignment down gloomily. Happy memories. He looked at Peter and James, who were obviously ignoring him and thought that all of his happiness was now a memory.

***

He was relieved when the day was over and he could return to Gryffindor Tower. Relieved, and at the same time apprehensive, because now he had to face James and Peter and there was no more putting it off. It was a Friday night and most of the students were relaxed and happy as he climbed in the porthole. A few called out to him, but he shook his head and claimed to be sick as he retreated to the dorm room.

It was empty. That was good. He'd been afraid he would come back to find the curtains on James's and Peter's beds would be drawn. He sat down on his own bed, pulling out his Charms essay and resigned to the wait.

As he waited he found himself making his list of happy memories. They had to be strong, powerful memories, Flitwick said. It was hard.

1.) The morning I turned into a dog for the first time.
2.) Showing Remus we'd become Animagi.
3.) Being at Peter's house and floating on the raft.
4.) The time James and I snuck out to Hogsmeade and stayed at the pub until two in the morning.
5.) When Remus, Peter and I saw James score his first goal in Quidditch.
6.) Playing in the snow with Neil and Sid.
7.) Sitting at my mother's feet last Christmas.
8.) The time James-

James opened the door.

For a long time they said nothing; they just stared at each other. Sirius wanted nothing more than to crawl under the bed and hide, but he stayed where he was, watching the disappointment in James's eyes.

"Where's Peter?" he finally asked, his voice cracking. What a dumb thing to say just now.

"He's still up with Remus." James's eyes were boring into him. "What were you thinking, Sirius?"

"I wasn't," Sirius said softly. "I just thought it would be a joke, like a hex or a..." he shrugged. "I'm sorry."

James snorted. "Sorry," he scoffed. "Remus nearly dies in more ways than one, and you're sorry."

Sirius cringed. "What else can I say?"

James shook his head. "Look. Let's not talk about it."

Sirius's eyes widened. "Not talk about it?"

"I can't stand to look at you just now, and I'm tired." James pulled the covers back and began changing into his pajamas.

"James, I really didn't think-"

"Sirius, shut up, okay? Just shut up."

Stung, Sirius did.

***

He didn't sleep well that night. James might have- he wasn't sure since James had pulled the bed curtains closed. Peter never returned to the dorm. Sirius tossed fitfully until the morning, when he was woken up by James shaking him.

"What?" he grumbled. "I thought you didn't want to talk to me."

"I don't. Not right now. But I wanted to wake you up for breakfast."

"Why do you care?"

James looked at him like he was an idiot, but when he spoke Sirius knew the words were a product of two nights of thinking. "I'm furious with you, Sirius. And I don't like you very much right now. But you're still my best friend. Go eat breakfast. I'm going to see Remus."

When Sirius arrived at breakfast, Peter was already there, stirring brown sugar into his oatmeal. Sirius veered away, but Peter pointed to the seat across from him in invitation and expectation. Dutifully, Sirius sat.

"I'm sorry," he finally said into the strained silence.

Peter shrugged. "I'm not the one that needs an apology."

"I wasn't thinking."

"That's obvious."

"Peter-"

"Sirius, you blew it. It was stupid and things like that happen. But it's between you and Remus. And Snape, I guess, but who really cares about him? Would you pass the cream?"

Sirius gaped at him.

"Please?" Peter tried.

"Peter-"

"Sirius, shut up about it. Please. Have you started your Charms essay?" There was a determined look on Peter's face that Sirius had only seen twice before: when Peter turned into a rat for the first time, and when Peter had told them he was getting a summer job to help support his family. Peter had lost enough, Sirius realized, and he let him change the subject.

***

He wasn't allowed in the infirmary that afternoon. And he wasn't surprised.

***

Peter and James took shifts all day sitting with Remus. They did tell Sirius he was improving rapidly under Madame Pomfrey's care, and that both his parents were there. Other than that they told him nothing, although Peter asked him some questions about the Charms essay and James managed a stilted conversation about the Quidditch Cup that evening. It would take time for them to forgive him, he knew.

It would take longer for him to forgive himself.

***

He wasn't surprised when Madame Pomfrey met him at the door of the hospital wing the next day. He was very surprised when he was told that Remus had gone outside with his father. He was pleased, both that Remus was healing and that he'd been given the information.

He was leaving the hospital wing when he smelled it- cigarette smoke. It put him in mind of the night of Narcissa's wedding, when he'd sat with Andromeda and Alphard, and instinctively he followed the smell.

Marilyn Lupin was sitting on a window ledge, smoking a cigarette and looking out at the grounds.

"Sirius," she said as she caught sight of him. She moved her feet so he could sit and he did so hesitantly. "I wondered when I'd see you here."

"I'm sorry," he began. "If you want me to leave, I'll understand."

She shook her head and offered him a cigarette, which he took. "I've been cutting back," she said. "But between the full moon and being here... I'm afraid to go anywhere without Damien because I know I'll get lost. I'm not really in the mood to explore, anyway."

Sirius took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "About what I did. I didn't mean to hurt Remus."

"I know," she said. "Dumbledore talked to us last night."

"You're not... mad?"

She shrugged. "I'm not overjoyed." She looked out the window, and Sirius followed her gaze. Remus and Damien were slowly walking across the courtyard, Remus leaning heavily on a cane and dragging the mangled leg. Damien was hovering over him. "Madame Pomfrey says his leg will be good as new in ten days," Marilyn said. They watched the pair in silence.

"Damien wants you never to speak to Remus again," Marilyn said after they'd disappeared. She leaned her head back against the stone of the wall, and Sirius shut his eyes, willing the tears not to fall. "Don't listen to him."

"What?"

"I love Damien, Sirius, but he has been completely unreasonable towards you and your family for years now."

"He's been right!"

"Not according to Dumbledore. You made a mistake, Sirius. A bad one, but a mistake."

"But Remus was hurt!"

She took a long drag on her cigarette. "You know," she said carefully, "Remus has hurt himself like this before. And yes, this badly, when he was younger. But he's never had friends. We've had to keep him away from other children and from other families. Once, when he was five, someone figured out what he was and told the children. They chased him into a forest, throwing rocks at him. We didn't find him for three days. Damien had a heart attack from the stress of it. A small one, but a heart attack nonetheless."

Sirius stared at her, open mouthed.

"After Damien recovered, we moved. We moved around a lot, until I received my appointment when Remus was seven. It wasn't an opportunity I could refuse. So we settled in the country, away from people, and rarely let Remus out of the house and never out of the yard. We've been so afraid the same thing would happen again.

"Damien's parents said Remus should be put down. Mine don't even know him- my mother died years ago and my father is so senile he doesn't remember me, much less Remus. He's never met his cousins- Damien's relations won't speak to us. Outside of Damien and myself, the only people he used to see were the workers at the Registry Office, where he goes every two months. They treat him like a leper. I've heard my son called terrible names that I won't even repeat, and the manner in which they speak to him.... They treat him like an animal, and he knows it.

"Then he started Hogwarts. I was terrified to let him come. But ever since his first letter home, it's been nothing but Sirius, James, and Peter, Sirius, James, and Peter. I feel like I know you as well as he does. I've heard all your exploits- even the ones you haven't been caught at. Since he's started Hogwarts, he's changed entirely, and it's because of the three of you. He's been happy.

"Don't take that away from him, Sirius. It will seem like the easy way out, to let him stop talking to you and not to talk to him. Don't do it."

"I don't want to," Sirius whispered. "But I don't know how to fix it!"

"It will take time." Marilyn stamped out her cigarette. "When I was eight, my mother caught me lying to her. She was so angry; I didn't think she could ever love me again. But then she told me that love is not a smooth piece of cloth, but a quilt. You tear it and mend it over and over, until the patterns form a beauty of their own. No friendship is ever perfect, Sirius."

***

It wasn't. He remembered being angry with Remus. Not this anger that stemmed from his family, but times before this, when Remus really deserved it. Nothing ever this big and nothing that merited this in retaliation. Nothing that justified this. But comments that had hurt, times Remus had forgotten something he said he would do, exclusions and lies and little barbs that he didn't mean that way.

"Don't put him on a pedestal," Marilyn had told him as he left. She'd smiled sadly. "Damien and I do that enough."

It didn't make things better or right. But Sirius was able to sleep that night.

***

"Remus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, and I never thought about the consequences."

It was Sunday night. The Lupins had left and Sirius was sitting beside Remus's bed, finally being allowed to see him. The gashes on Remus's face had faded to small white scars, but his eyes still showed the raw pain of the wounds Sirius had inflicted.

"There's nothing I can do to make up for it. You shouldn't forgive me. But... Remus... I'm sorry."

Tears were hanging in Remus's eyes, shining and unshed. Sirius didn't know how to take them away.

He wanted to beg, to plead, to prostrate himself on the ground. But a voice inside him told him that would be for him. What did Remus need? Sirius didn't know.

He realized that just as this was unfamiliar territory to him, it was unfamiliar to Remus as well. No friends, Marilyn had said. No one had ever begged Remus for forgiveness. Like an animal. His affection had never mattered to anyone. Maybe Remus didn't know where to go from here either.

He longed to transform, to curl against Remus and let him bury his face in the thick black fur of his muzzle and find solace there like he did... Sirius realized then that he had not offered that all term. And he couldn't now, here in the infirmary.

He reached out and took Remus's hand between his. It felt silly, but somehow he knew it was right. Remus didn't pull his hand away.

They sat in silence. Eventually the silent tears began to fall. They both sniffled, both wiped their faces with their free hands. Neither moved away, and yet neither moved closer. They were together in their sadness, and right now that was all either could offer the other.

Behind Sirius, someone cleared his throat. Sirius turned to see that James was standing there. Over an hour had passed.

Remus pulled his hand away. "I'm tired, Sirius."

"All right." He stood, opened his mouth and then knew there was nothing to say.

But as he left, he felt James's warm, comforting clasp on his shoulder.

***

Remus returned to classes on Monday, but did not come back to the dorm until Wednesday night. They sat on their respective beds, working on homework and speaking only about their essays.

"You know what bothers me the most?"

Remus's voice was clear and deceptively casual, and the abruptness of his question made Sirius drop his quill. James set aside his potions text and Peter lowered his wand, and they both looked at Sirius expectantly.

"Um," Sirius felt wrong-footed with their eyes on him. Particularly Remus. "That I nearly killed you?"

"No. Someone could have gotten in there by accident. If it had all been an accident and James had pulled Snape away, I would have done the same thing. And if I ever kill, they'll come for me. I've known that since I was four."

"Oh." Sirius swallowed hard, wishing Remus would look away. But Remus kept those amber eyes- so like his father's and just as intense- fixed on Sirius. "That you didn't deserve it, and you've been nothing but a good friend?" he asked.

Remus winced at that, and so did James and Peter. Too late Sirius realized how sarcastic that had sounded. "I didn't mean it like that," he said lamely. "I was telling the truth."

Remus recovered and waved a hand, physically dismissing it. "What bothered me the most," he said, his voice now hard and brittle, "was that you really didn't think I'd attack Snape."

"Oh." A glance at James and Peter told Sirius that this surprised them, too. "I guess I thought I would have stopped you. Or just that... that..." Remus was drumming his fingers on this book. "Damn it, Remus! You know why! You would never attack anyone!"

Remus slammed his book shut. "Just what I thought," he said, angrily picking up his pillow. "This IS all just a game to you. You don't understand it at all."

"I- hey, Moony, wait!" But Remus was now walking out of the room.

Sirius turned to James and Peter. Peter shrugged, but James was staring at the door, looking thoughtful.

***

Remus didn't mention his stilted exit from the room at breakfast the next morning, and Sirius took his cue and didn't say anything either. He was still annoyed about the whole thing. Of course he understood- why else would he spend three bloody years becoming an Animagus? He was still muttering to himself when they entered Charms.

"Well, let's see what we can make of it today!" Professor Flitwick was undeterred by the fact that none of them had managed to produce any sort of Patronus. It was advanced magic, he kept reminding them, and he'd be amazed if any of them managed to accomplish the feat.

It seemed simple to Sirius, but he just could not get in the mood, or at least he thought. He wondered what would happen if you met a dementor on any day but the best day of your life.

"Expecto patronum!" he tried, thinking of drinking butterbeer and firewhiskey with James. "Expecto patronum!"

Nothing.

From across the room there was an excited squeal. Lily Evans, the wench, had managed to produce wisps of silvery smoke.

"Goodie for her," James muttered and Sirius smiled.

"Expecto patronum!"

This time he had something, but nothing substantial.

James muttered something enviously, and Sirius privately bet that James would produce something in the next two attempts. Peter was trying frantically, but nothing was emerging from his wand. Next to him, Remus was sitting serenely, eyes closed and his arms crossed over his chest. Sirius was about to ask if he'd fallen asleep when Remus's eyes flared open as he rose to his feet and pointed his wand."

"Expecto patronum!"

A large, hairy silver form shot out of the wand, and Professor Flitwick squeaked in delight.

"Oh, very good Mr. Lupin!" he shouted above the din. The other students turned, expressions of surprise and delight as they saw Remus's Patronus. "A wolf?" Professor Flitwick muttered, studying it. "Very appropriate, given your family name, but... wait. No. Not a wolf. It's a dog."

A huge, shaggy dog that if it were black, it would have been a dead ringer for Sirius's animagus form.

The dog scampered back to Remus, jumping up and putting its front paws on his shoulders before disappearing. Professor Flitwick burst into applause.

"What memory were you using?" Flitwick asked Remus.

"My fifteenth birthday," Remus said, still dazedly staring at where the dog had been. "It's the happiest memory I have."

***

I'm in the happiest memory you have, my animagus form is your Patronus, you know it was all my idea, and you still say I don't understand? I understand, Moony! I get it! We did it because you needed us there! I KNOW the transformations are terrible. I did it because you've been alone all your life and I know exactly how that feels! So don't say I don't understand, you sanctimonious, stupid little git. I. DO.

But he couldn't say it.

***

Time does heal. Sirius's parents had taught him that. Time eases the pain of lashes and the throbbing of bruises, the cuts and bites and the mangled legs of friends. It covers the slights and bitter words until you can pretend that they're forgotten and act like nothing's happened and nothing's changed. With each day, Remus healed.

Five days after he'd left the hospital wing, Remus no longer needed the cane. Two more days passed and he started a conversation with Sirius about their Care of Magical Creatures lesson. Three days after that he didn't even walk with a limp. Another three days and the four of them were crammed under James's invisibility cloak, a filched pie in hand (not for eating). Two days later Sirius and Remus were working on the map together.

And seventeen days after he left the hospital wing, with nine days before the next full moon, a dark brown owl landed in front of Remus bearing a letter.

Remus had mentioned once or twice that he had a pen friend. Sirius hadn't given it much thought, because it seemed like such a Remus thing to do. But today, Remus opened the letter with shaking fingers, and as he read it his lips pressed together until the skin around them grew white.

"Bad news, Moony?" James asked.

"No," Remus said shortly, gathering his books and leaving his breakfast untouched. "I'll see you in Herbology."

"Bet he told his friend about being a werewolf," Peter guessed, watching Remus go.

"If he did, I'd say it didn't go over well," James agreed.

Somehow, Sirius didn't think that was it at all.

***

"Sirius."

Sirius looked up from his potions book to see Remus standing over his bed. "Yes?"

"Tomorrow night is the full moon."

"Yes." A lump formed in his throat and he couldn't quite breathe right.

Remus took a deep breath. "Tomorrow night you are going to understand."

"What?"

Remus drew his shoulders back. Sirius noticed the letter he'd gotten from his pen friend crumpled in his hand, and Remus was clinging to it like... like a source of strength. Whatever was in that letter had to do with him. "You are going to understand," Remus repeated, with a new authority in his voice. "Tomorrow night, you will go into the Shrieking Shack before sunset. You will transform, but you will hide under the bed. You will stay there all night, but you will stay hidden, no matter what."

"But what if you-"

"No matter what!" Remus snapped, and Sirius drew back, startled by this very different version of Remus.

"All right."

"You will wait there until I've left. And then you will go back to classes like usual. I will find you when I'm ready. Do you understand?"

"James and Peter?"

"Will be up here tomorrow night. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Good." Remus exhaled heavily, and Sirius noticed that the parchment was damp where Remus had clutched it. "Tomorrow night then." Remus turned and walked out of the room.

This was his punishment. Sirius knew that. But he couldn't help the small ball of excitement in his stomach. He had always wanted to see the actual transformation, and Remus had never let him. Was it penance and forgiveness in one?

Sirius thought it might be.

***

The next night he hid himself carefully, as per Remus's instructions. It was hard to remain still, his stomach was a knot of nerves and anticipation. He heard a strange thumping sound, and it took a minute to register that it was his tail wagging against the floor. If he'd been human, he would have laughed.

The light outside faded, and soon he heard the sound off footsteps on the stairs and two voices. Remus and Madame Pomfrey. He wormed further back under the bed, obscuring himself in the darkness.

"I'm worried, dear," Madame Pomfrey was saying. "You were doing so much better and then last month-"

"It won't be as bad as last month," Remus reassured her. "That won't happen again. You'd better go."

"All right. I'll be back at daybreak."

Sirius heard her leave, and Remus shut the bedroom door and magically locked it. He waited for Remus to look under the bed to see if Sirius had obeyed, but he didn't. Instead, he slowly undressed.

Sirius had seen Remus in various states of undress before, but he'd never seen him fully naked. Consequently, he'd never realized just how many scars Remus had. Most of them were thin and white and faded with age, but here and there were red, puckered, angry scars, reminders of wounds that had been beyond his father's skill to heal properly. The leg, Sirius noticed, looked far better than the bite wound on the opposite calf, or the scar that Remus had received on his forearm their second year.

Remus was shaking, his face white and his lips trembling. He was terrified. Sirius wanted to go to him, to reassure him and nuzzle against him, but he remembered his promise to stay hidden. So he watched as Remus sat on the floor, naked and scared, his knees drawn up against his chest and his arms wrapped around as he rocked back and forth singing a song under his breath.

Then he froze. It was a sudden, lurching stop of muscles, a seizure that was visible in every way. His eyes widened and then there was an uneven shriek of pain. Sirius cringed back under the bed, suddenly desperate to close his eyes and yet realizing that requirement was to watch.

Hair began to sprout and nails and ears grew. Teeth sharpened and the nose lengthened. Another horrible, guttural scream rent the air, and Sirius could not even begin to imagine what sort of pain would force that noise from Remus. But worse was the cracking, like bones breaking. It was bones breaking, Sirius realized. A wolf did not have the same skeleton as a human, not even close. And each bone had to break and reform.

It didn't hurt, he told himself silently, like his own transformations didn't hurt. It didn't hurt or Remus would scream again. But then Remus's head twisted in Sirius's direction and Sirius saw his eyes. It didn't just hurt- it went beyond pain into something unspeakable, and Remus didn't scream because he couldn't.

Oh good God.

A whimper escaped him, and then the... the thing that was half Remus and half wolf was released and could move, could breathe, could let out something that was caught between a howl and a human cry and that raised every hair on Sirius's body. Then Remus was gone, all traces with him, and there was only the wolf that Sirius knew.

The wolf was not happy about the confinement. Remus must have known he couldn't be when he locked the door. Sirius remembered the small shed at the Lupins' house. Yes. Remus knew. Sirius almost crawled out from his spot to comfort and protect, to distract, before he remembered his promise. The wolf growled, not at him but at the realization he was inside, and Sirius suddenly knew exactly what Remus intended. Remus wanted him to see what it was really like- what the presence of dog, stag, and rat changed and prevented. Remus wanted Sirius to understand what it was to be a werewolf.

And through the night, Sirius learned.

He learned that the wolf was violent. He hadn't really known that before, because under their influence, Remus could maintain some control.

He learned that the wolf was brutal. He hadn't known that before either, because Remus had never let them see the wounds.

He learned that the wolf did not forgive. The wolf had to know that a human was trapped inside his body, because he preyed upon himself with an unrepentant ferocity that Sirius had never seen.

He learned that the wolf was desperate as it threw itself at the doors and tore at the furniture in frustration and clawed the wood of the walls. He'd never known that because they'd roamed the Forbidden Forest with Sirius and James there to keep Remus in check.

Blood. Pain. Red, raw malevolence and bloodlust and a wild feral anger that couldn't be contained. A Dark Creature, and a designation well deserved. There was no trace of Remus, and yes, now Sirius understood.

The wolf would have attacked Snape. Attacked, killed, and devoured. And if he was human now, the wolf would do the same to him. It didn't matter that he was one of Remus's best friends, that Remus could talk and laugh and study with him , because Remus was not in control. Remus wasn't even here, because there was no one to aid him in the fight for his sanity.

The night dragged on, and Sirius closed his eyes and prayed it all would end.

Finally, an hour before sunrise, the transformation occurred again. Sirius had harbored the hope that it would be gentle, but it was just as violent, just as intense, as if the wolf did not want to relinquish its hold on Remus. It left Remus in the middle of the floor, bleeding and crying like a child, naked and shaking and too weak to stand. Once again Sirius wanted nothing more than to go and help, but this was indeed his punishment and he complied with Remus's terms.

He was grateful when Remus collapsed, grateful because he hoped the unconscious state would bring relief from the pain. The sky grew steadily lighter and eventually, after so long- too long- a wait there were footsteps on the stairs and the door opened.

"Well, dear, it's not as bad as I was afraid," Madame Pomfrey murmured as she tended to Remus.

Not as bad?

And then Sirius realized that the wolf had sensed him there, and yes, that this was still better than an unaided transformation, and his heart broke completely.

***

He was sitting on his bed, hugging his knees and his face buried in the hollow between them, as he had been since his last class ended. He felt Remus standing over him, but couldn't bear to face him. Not now. Not now that he truly understood what he himself had done- what he had exploited.

A hand was on his head, applying gentle pressure to force him to look up. He obeyed, and his eyes met Remus's and he saw the sadness. Without a word, he opened his arms and pulled Remus in.

Remus clung to him, his face buried in Sirius's shoulder and body shaking with the sobs he hadn't let loose until now. Sirius closed his eyes, laying his cheek against Remus's hair and holding on to him tightly. "I'm sorry," he whispered as the deluge lessened. "I'm so sorry..."

"I know. I forgive you."

With those words, Sirius's heart was mended. And so, he suspected, was Remus's.

They pulled away from each other, awkward now as Remus wiped at his face. He looked at Sirius hopefully. "Padfoot?" he began.

He didn't need to finish, and Remus spent the night with a big black dog curled on the foot of his bed.

***

The days before Christmas holidays were heady and happy for all four of them. The darkness and pain and awkwardness of the last month were regulated to the past, hopefully never to be spoken of again. Relief sharpened holiday spirits, and Lily Evans was heard to shout that they'd been much more tolerable sulking last month, when they'd been doing the doom and gloom thing and not insisting on throwing snowballs at people just trying to go about their business.

"You know, Prongs," Remus said that day, "I'm not sure Lily finds a snowball in the face the epitome of romantic courtship."

"Said Casanova," James shot back. "Haven't seen you pulling any girls, Moony."

"That's because I'm gay," Remus said dryly. "At least according to the Slytherin Household."

Sirius and Peter both smirked at the phrase, but James pulled a face.

"Disgusting, they are."

"True. But what if they were right?" Remus mused. "What if I said to you, 'oi, Prongs, I fancy blokes'?"

"I'd smack you upside the head to bring you back to your senses," James said, and this time the disgust was real. "That's not funny, Moony. Don't even joke about it."

"Okay, okay. Sheesh Prongs, back off."

"You're not gay, right?"

"Right. It was a joke. J-O-K-E." Remus picked up his book and flipped it open to a random page.

Sirius decided to help him out. "According to my brother, not only is Moony queer, but you and I are shagging, Prongs."

"Really?"

"All the time, dah-ling," Sirius lisped.

"Please tell me I'm straight. Please tell me I'm straight," Peter prayed outloud.

"Thy probably have you paired up with the giant squid, Wormtail," Remus said from behind his book.

"The squid? Ooh, suction!!!"

The four of them dissolved into laughter, and by the next day the conversation had been forgotten entirely, except for the squid.

***

Sirius honestly didn't know what to expect from his parents. In fact, he'd almost forgotten they would be informed during the aftermath of his actions. But he remembered as he rode on the train home, and he knew his friends did too from their apprehensive silence. Odds were high that it wouldn't be good.

Both his mother and his father were there, waiting for him and Regulus with angry eyes and dark scowls. Sirius swallowed hard as he climbed off the train, and James squeezed his shoulder in silent support. He looked back at his friends beseechingly, and then made his way over to his parents.

Regulus had already arrived, and was talking a mile a minute, apparently oblivious to their silent fury. There was absolutely no doubt in Sirius's mind that they were indeed furious: very little would ever serve to distract them from Regulus's ramblings.

The house seemed dark and threatening as Sirius walked in, clutching his bag tightly to him. It closed around him, and for the first time Sirius realized just how much he hated the house. He remembered James standing here in the foyer, eyes wide as he looked around at what today seemed to be a mansion of horrors. It was dark and musty and it sucked the life from him, and he wondered how he never could have noticed that before.

"Sirius."

He turned at his father's low, controlled voice. "Yes sir?"

"Go to your room. Now. Do not leave it until we come up to talk to you."

"Yes sir."

Sirius trudged up the stairs, heart heavy. But for once, he did not regret or bristle at his father's fury. This time he knew he deserved everything he'd get.

He expected that the next few days would be out of a horror tale. He'd be locked in his room, denied food or water, perhaps with the occasional beating. He snorted to himself. No. That was too melodramatic. For the most part. Although he wouldn't put aspects of that scenario past his father. But he was surprised when two hours later, his door opened and the house elf appeared.

"Master and Mistress want you in the drawing room," Kreacher told him.

Sirius was surprised- usually Regulus was their chosen emissary. He straightened his robes and ran his hand through his hair, and then made his way to the drawing room.

His parents were sitting in chairs, stiff and regal. The fire cast long shadows, making them seem even more imposing.

"Sirius," his father said, gesturing. "Sit."

"Yes sir."

He sat and they stared at each other, and Sirius didn't quite know what to say. His father finally broke the silence.

"We received an owl today from Professor Dumbledore."

"Um..."

"Apparently, you put the life of another student- Severus Snape, I understand- in danger?"

"Yes sir."

Arden sighed. "I'm not sure what you were thinking, Sirius."

Sirius hung his head. "I wasn't, sir."

"The Snapes, although not well off, are a perfectly fine family. Purebloods that go back generations. How you could put him at risk...."

Sirius muttered something about greasy gits. His mother raised her eyebrows, but fortunately his father didn't seem to hear.

"It ended well, so I will ask you simply to be more cautious when dealing with members of such families."

Sirius gaped at him.

"Yes?" His father asked, eyebrows raised.

"But... but I almost KILLED him!" Sirius protested. "I mean..."

"Are you complaining about my decision, Sirius?"

"Yes!"

All three of them were surprised at that answer.

"And why?" Arden asked. "Sirius, I know I've been much harder on you before and-"

"This time I deserve it!" Sirius said. "I mean, I almost killed not one but two fellow students! If James hadn't pulled Sniv- Snape back then he would have been eaten alive. Literally! This isn't like playing with Muggles or arguing with you or making a spectacle or whatever- this is... it's serious! They both could have been killed!"

"If Severus Snape had been killed, we would be having a very different conversation right now," his mother put in.

"But if it were up to me, he would have been! Remus is a werewolf-"

"Yes. The werewolf." His father's hands tightened around his chair, and Sirius nearly sagged with relief. "I must admit that I am shocked you are friends with someone who is not only a half-blood, but a werewolf."

"Well...."

"And my one disappointment is you couldn't have finished the job properly."

"What?"

"Dumbledore mentioned the boy nearly lost his life."

"Yes!" Sirius was desperate.

"It's too bad he didn't."

The blood drained from Sirius's face, coalescing in a hot pool somewhere around his stomach and making him want to vomit. "What?"

"A half-breed like that... they're despicable, Sirius. Damien should have had the boy killed when the bite first happened."

"What?" he had to force the syllable between numb lips.

"Sirius, dear," his mother broke in, "it's not like they're really people. It's cruel to leave them alive, thinking and hoping they can fit into society like the rest of us. It would have been a mercy to both the boy and his father if Damien had put him down when he had the chance."

"He's my friend," Sirius said in a nearly inaudible whisper.

"He's an abomination, a pathetic waste of flesh," Arden insisted.

"Think about it Sirius," Elizabeth said, leaning forward, "how much of a life can it be? Dumbledore said he nearly chewed his own leg off." Unable to speak, Sirius nodded. "What kind of freak does that?"

"He... But..."

"Sirius, surely you must see that life for everyone would have been better off if he were just... gone." His mother waved her hands. "Half-blood, half-breed... of what possible worth could he be?"

Sirius finally found his voice. "Don't you understand? He's my friend!"

"What kind of friend is he now, Sirius?" Elizabeth asked. "I'm sure he can't be too pleased with you." Her voice was thick with satisfaction.

Images of the last few weeks flooded Sirius's mind, until he felt he'd break open with the pain of it. "He forgave me," he told his mother. "He gave me a second chance."

She snorted, the expression as eloquent as if she'd used a thesaurus. He stared at her, disbelieving.

You knew this, a voice in his head insisted. You've always known this. You've always known they don't consider Remus worthy of you.

But to want him dead... or to have never existed....

A hole opened in Sirius's chest.

He could understand mistrust, prejudice, hate. He thought he could, anyway. But he couldn't understand this cold dismissal of a life.

And what a life. This wasn't some random Muggle person in the street or a werewolf that was huddled in a shack in Scotland, not that that would be any better. This was their son's best friend. The friend they had never even bothered to speak to, to get to know. One of the three boys that made Sirius happy, normal, and complete.

"It never mattered to you, did it?" Sirius heard himself asking. "That we were friends?"

"We've told you to leave him alone, Sirius," his mother said.

"He's never been any good. Mangy, filthy, untrust-"

"Stop it."

"-worthy, piece of shit."

"STOP IT!"

"He'll betray you!"

"I BETRAYED HIM!" Sirius shouted. "Don't you get that? Don't you understand? I almost MURDERED my best friend!"

"Oh, Sirius, don't be so melodramatic!" his mother snapped. "Murder, honestly!"

"That's what it almost was."

"It was not. Is the farmer that kills the cow for your steak a murderer? Or the exterminator who rids a house of doxies? It's the same sort of thing."

Sirius stared at them, shocked to the core of his being. This was not his mother. This could not be his mother. Or his father. No.

Moments flashed before his eyes, shining like shards of broken glass. His father holding him up to see Regulus. His mother cuddling him to her when he was a child. His father explaining, pointing, proud of his name and himself. His mother touching his hair, his cheek, kissing his forehead; his father's strong arm beneath his face. The moments of warmth and love that right now seemed as cold and broken as the icicles outside.

One moment can change a lifetime. Standing there in front of his parents, shaking with fury, Sirius thought that this was that moment.

He thought of James's parents, always proud of him, and always open. Always willing to accept Sirius into their home, no questions asked, because James loved him. He thought of Remus's parents, willing to die, willing to kill, willing to forgive, all to protect their son. The thought of Peter's parents, laughing and loving and sharing.

His own parents sat there, angry and cold. His friends didn't matter. The fact that these people meant something to Sirius didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was blood and perception and social status. Sirius's opinions didn't matter. Sirius's thoughts didn't count. Sirius was the one who was wrong, and they weren't even willing to listen to his reasoning.

He thought of James, always eager to take on a challenge. From his reckless flying on the Quidditch pitch to his willingness to attempt the Animagus transformation, James had never let fear stand in his way, if he even knew it. He thought of Peter, chin set and determined to take his father's place in the household; comforting his mother and sisters, earning money for their keep, doing repairs and chores that were beyond his years. He thought of Remus, who on first impression Sirius had thought was a coward. Remus, who had to face pain and suffering and prejudice wherever he went, had more courage than any of them.

Now it was Sirius's turn to face what would come.

"I'm the pureblood," he said, "and I'm the one that acted despicably."

"No."

"Yes! And it means nothing to you, because only blood matters. Blood and rank and social position and wizarding honor."

"Of course those things matter!" Arden shouted. "They've never mattered enough to you!"

"And they've mattered too much to you. So much that I don't matter anymore."

"That's ridiculous!" Elizabeth said, but Arden said nothing.

"Nothing matters." Sirius said it slowly, deliberately. "Not me, not what I think, not the fact that Remus is alive and my friend. Not the fact that there are nice Muggles like Neil and Sid down the street, and people that are Muggleborn and really talented wizards, and people who are half bloods. We can rule over them all because everyone in our line was a wizard."

"Wizarding pride-" Arden began.

"Means nothing to me," Sirius said coldly. "It never has."

"Then you might say that we mean nothing to you," Arden said coldly.

"I never said that."

"You say you mean nothing to us because we do not see eye to eye on what is important. You do not agree with our views. Therefore we mean nothing to you."

"My views don't kill someone."

"Your views will be the end of our way of life."

We should be shouting, Sirius thought. This isn't how this is supposed to go. We should be shouting. We should be angry. We should be...

"I'm leaving," he heard his own voice say.

"You walk out that door tonight and you never walk back in."

"Fine."

"You will no longer be a member of this House, this family, or a part of my life."

"Fine."

"As far as I am concerned, you will no longer be a Black."

"Fine."

"Then go. Get out of my sight."

Sirius turned to look at his mother.

She was standing in between them, her eyes darting back and forth between husband and son. For a moment, Sirius felt bad for her. This was hard for him; he couldn't imagine what it would be for her. And yet, she was the one who said... who said that about Remus.

And she was the one who took a step to stand next to his father, raised her chin, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Get out."

He walked as in a dream, expecting his father to explode and chase him to his room, fists at the ready, or his mother to come and cry and tell him it would be all right. But the house was silent and no one came for him.

He didn't have much to pack. Everything he owned was at school, except the small bag he'd brought home, and some pictures and letters he wanted to keep. He was running away. Leaving. For good. So why was he packing as if he was leaving for Hogwarts?

He slung the bag over his shoulder and looked around the room. It would be the last time he saw it. He knew that.

He didn't care.

He walked through the hallway, back to the drawing room. He saw Regulus peeping out his door, and ignored him. DT would hear. He'd hear everything. Knowing Regulus, he'd heard it all already.

They were still standing in the drawing room. They weren't holding on to each other like grief-stricken parents, or yelling that this was the other's fault. Just standing there, clinging to pride and ritual and formality to ease emotion out of existence.

"Well, goodbye then," Sirius said.

His father turned away. His mother's eyes met his, and Sirius saw she was crying.

He took a step forward. And then another. He wanted to put his arms around her, to tell her he'd loved her once, to wish her luck. But she raised her arm and without looking, a thin stream of red light blasted his name from the family tapestry. And inside he felt the cord cut, and without another word he spun on his heel and left the room.

***

It was raining, cold and sleeting and wet. Sirius stepped off the Knight Bus into the freedom of it, and told himself that it was only the rain that wet his cheeks.

Only the rain.

***

James opened the door. Sirius couldn't speak, he could only look at his best friend, helpless.

"Come in," James said, putting an arm around Sirius's wet shoulder. "Come home."

***

His clothes were warm and dry. Mrs. Potter had put a bowl of homemade potato soup in front of him, and Mr. Potter was changing the sheets in the guest room, which would be his as long as he wanted. James was sitting with him, not saying anything but a solid, firm presence that Sirius was grateful for. The kitchen was close and warm, and the rain against the windows had a cozy sound from in here.

Eventually James spoke. "Do you want the others?"

"I suppose they should know."

"I'll see if they can come." James went over to the fireplace.

The conversation with Peter was quick and hurried, and within seconds Peter himself was standing in the room, brushing the ash from his robes. He sat down beside Sirius as James poked his head in to talk to Remus.

The conversation was much longer, and seemed far tenser, from the little Sirius could hear. James pulled back out finally, his face pale and looking worried. "I'm not sure Remus will be here," he said.

Sirius wasn't surprised.

"So what happened?" Peter asked.

Sirius began to tell them, his voice hollow and dead and still so calm. He wanted to be angry, to be hurt... and he couldn't. He just couldn't. It had been building for so long that the actual event seemed anticlimactic. But how had he not seen it?

There was a large spinning shape in the fireplace, and Remus stumbled out in front of them. "I'm sorry," he gasped, trying to catch his bearings. "I would have been here sooner, but my father... he didn't want me to come."

"And he does now?" Peter asked perceptively.

Remus bit his lip. "Well...."

"Moony the prefect breaking rules?" James teased, although his voice lacked the heart it normally had.

Remus waved him off. "Sirius, what happened?"

And that's when it broke.

His own parents didn't care. But James opened his home without questions, Peter left his family obligations without thought, and Remus defied his father to be here. For him. For the person who'd caused all the trouble this year, for the person who'd nearly killed Remus, for... for him.

He buried his head in his arms on the table and cried.

Dumbledore was right, he told himself. This is home. This is family. They are my family. But...

But.

It's not easy or right to walk away from family, because that's not what family is. Family doesn't give up like that, and they don't give up each other. Family comes first and sticks together and defends each other and it should be unbreakable. You love them no matter what. That's family.

But sometimes families break. Sometimes they do give up, and sometimes they turn away from each other. Sometimes it doesn't come first and there are more important things, sometimes they let each other down, and sometimes you can't love them anymore, no matter what. And that's family too.

And sometimes family isn't blood. Sometimes you meet them when you're already eleven, and together you make your own decisions. You share a room, share your classes, share your meals, share your secrets, share your lives. And sometimes you get angry, and sometimes you get hurt. But they love you, not because they have to, but just because they do. And sometimes it's unbreakable.

And sometimes, when you have to walk away from one family and the wounds cut so deep that you can't even speak of them, you walk into the arms of another one.

On a rainy cold night in December, Sirius Black lost one family. But as James, Remus and Peter gathered around him, he knew he was part of another one.