I Can See Myself In You

He had that dream again. He couldn't remember how often he had dreamed that dream. Sirius. Always Sirius. The pain just wouldn't fade.

Sirius still wrote those letters. I am you, and you are me.

No, it was ridiculous, Sirius cannot write you those letters anymore. Sleep, Remus, sleep, he thought to himself. But he was afraid of waking up because he would feel the pain again.

He waited for the numbness to come. He didn't want to feel the pain anymore - but it was there, stronger than the first time. When not only Sirius, but all he had known and loved had suddenly vanished.

Now everything was gone. For good. Nothing mattered anymore, Sirius was gone. They were not walking in the dream anymore.

He is gone, Remus.

Sleep now.

Remus walked over to the desk. There was a letter. Yes, one of Sirius' letters again. Where is that stray dog again, he thought to himself with a smile. He couldn't wait to hear the footsteps again, he couldn't wait for the door to open. He unfolded the parchment.

Oh, one of his poems again. He laughed. How could a man like Sirius write such poems? It just didn't fit. The young, tough, handsome guy with the leather jacket and the enchanted motor bike. Writing love letters and poems. Yes, this was love. Because it was so ironic, so beautiful. So perfect. Like Sirius.

'And like that poem,' he whispered with a smile. 'Ok, let's see where your creativity got you this time.'

'Cause all lovers are still children inside

And the ones with pure heart are our greatest heroes

I'm saving the world with your love inside me

'Cause I am here for you

No, I am here because of you

Remus pressed the letter against his chest. 'Where are you then, love?' he whispered to himself.

He woke up with a start. Why wouldn't these dreams stop?

No wondering where Sirius is, please. I just don't want to think about it anymore.

He's gone, Remus. Sirius is well. He is gone.

Sleep.

Dreamless sleep to you, Remus.

Sleep now.

Remus looked around. The room was full of light. Was it real light? Or was it just because the world was full of that wonderful warmth. Warmth that streamed from the surface of the paper straight into his heart, and seemed to ignite the whole world with that wonderful fire.

He wanted to sing. He wanted to share his happiness with the whole world. How could hate and anger ever exist with so much love around? As long as people existed who had so much love in their hearts as Remus had right now, no one could ever hate. He wanted to shout out how happy he was, how much he loved Sirius.

But - no one was there. It didn't matter. The room was still full of light.

He grabbed a piece of paper and wrote.

I fell into water

I would probably have drowned

If I hadn't found you

I was nearly dead

But you resuscitated me

Gave me new life

Now I'm hungry for life

Feed me with experience!

Every word you say is my food

And I'm feeding you as if I were your source of life

Remus read the lines again and again. No, he had never claimed to be a poet. The lines just flowed because they were the truth. Sirius. Always Sirius. Still the light, everywhere. He wanted to lose himself in Sirius' hair, he wanted to drown in his smell. He wanted to take him in with every breath. But he was not there.

'Where are you, love?' he whispered.

No! Stop! Stop dreaming, Remus! He got up and walked into the kitchen. Darkness. He lit a candle and sat down at the table. You need something to do, Remus, he thought to himself. But it was the middle of the night, a starless and dark night. Write to Harry! Yes, that's a good idea.

He grabbed a piece of paper.

He sat. He stared. He wanted to write so desperately. Just a few lines, just one single line. But there was just emptiness. He listened. Was it really emptiness?

A spark. A spark of... Pain.

Harry,

I am here.

Remus Lupin

God, that REALLY wasn't what he had intended to write. He wanted to write something deeply tragic but comforting. He couldn't. He had no words for it. There was only one word sneaking around in his mind.

Pain.

He threw away the letter and started to write again.

Harry,

The pain won't go away. But I am here.

Remus Lupin

Was that as stupid as the last one? Go to bed, Remus. You can ponder that letter tomorrow. Sleep now.

'Sirius?'

'Remus?'

'How do you know I am the one?'

'I can see myself in you. I'm inhaling you, you're running through my veins. When I look into the mirror I can see you looking from my own eyes.'

Remus gave up. He knew he wouldn't sleep anymore tonight. He walked into the kitchen again. His hands were shaking slightly. He WANTED to write, though he didn't know who he would write to. The words just seemed to flow onto the parchment.

The love between us is the howling to the moon, which binds you to me

The moon seems to know that you're not here anymore

She knows you were there

Because my sweat still smells like you

Remus looked up. It was dawning. Again a kind of light. He slowly walked back to the bed. The sheets next to him were untouched. No one would ever sleep in them again. He pressed his face in the pillow, which used to carry Sirius' scent.

It was there. Still.

But slowly it seemed to fade. He wanted to hold on to it. To never let it go. That smell, that used to fill him, that fed him like air itself. So many perfect moments in this bed.

'Sirius?'

'Yes.'

'Why are you giving me your heart and soul?'

'Stray dogs sometimes seek the warmth.'

When Remus finally walked into the bathroom he looked into the mirror. He saw Sirius gently looking at him from his own eyes. He turned away from his reflection.

Remus Lupin started to avoid mirrors.