First and Lost

First and Lost

Everyone remembers their first kiss, don't they? Not Regulus Black. Oh, he knows it happened. He just can't remember it. The one kiss by which all the others are measured, and he doesn't recall it. He feels robbed.

He had not simply forgotten the kiss - it had been taken away from him. When he had come back home that day, the kiss had still lingered on his lips and in his mind. He doesn't remember it now, but he knows that it had left him light-headed and carefree. Which is not a good thing in Twelve, Grimmauld Place. He knows it now as he knew it then. So, he had edged his way into his father's office, taken the key hidden under the third drawer of the large and imposing desk, and tiptoed to the front glassed armoire where Mr. Black kept his Pensieve. He had wanted to save the souvenir of the kiss for later, when he would have the chance to contemplate it, to enjoy it, to bask in its warmth and its breathlessness.

Regulus had carefully unlocked the armoire with the key and the spell his father didn't know he knew, and picked up the Pensieve. He knew better than to nick it. Remove it from this room and he'd be cursed worse than he'd ever dared to think. His father didn't take the safety of his study lightly. The curses, jinxes, and hexes placed on every item were the stuff of nightmares. Regulus' heart had thundered in his chest as he had raised his wand to his temple and concentrated on the one memory he wanted to preserve. He had never used a Pensieve before, but he had seen it done; he knew the mechanics of it. He had felt the kiss flutter away and disappear as the silvery substance had followed his wand from his temple to the shallow stone basin. He had closed the armoire, put the key back in its not-so-secret hide-away, and made his way out of the room, feeling empty but safe. His father rarely used the Pensieve. Regulus would be back to retrieve his memory before anything could happen; he was certain.

He had been wrong.

In retrospect, he shouldn't have used the Pensieve at all. The kiss in itself had been nothing to hide - it was his reaction to it that was problematic. The memory occupied his mind, rendered him insouciant, careless, when he needed all his wits. Dinner was a formal affair at Twelve Grimmauld Place. His parents expected perfection. The kiss had made him vulnerable, so he had removed the weakness before facing his family. He would come back for the kiss later that night, before going to bed, so that he could dream of it, of her. When it would be safe to do so.

It had never come to pass. The house-elf had seen him leave the office, and had told his parents. Only his cunning spirit had saved him - years in Slytherin had taught him to come up with a plausible lie in a second. Mr. and Mrs. Black had believed him. He was the good son, wasn't he?

Regulus shouldn't have relaxed his guard.

Sirius had recognized his lie for what it was. When Regulus had returned to the office for his memory, later that night, he had found his brother waiting for him. It had been a battle of wills and Regulus had made a wrong move. Sirius hadn't known what his brother was hiding. To this day, Regulus still cannot tell if he will ever forgive himself for giving it away. He had looked at the Pensieve in the armoire furtively, but it had been enough for Sirius to guess what he'd been after.

Sirius had teased him mercilessly, his fingers just millimetres above the silvery substance in the Pensieve. What could his little brother deem precious enough to brave their father's wrath? Regulus had gone cold at the threat. He could not let Sirius see it. It was his, his and hers alone. He'd dived towards the armoire and the Pensieve, intent on protecting it from his brother's curiosity. He'd shoved Sirius out of the way. Keeping on the banter, Sirius had pushed him back. Soon, the brothers had been fighting over the Pensieve. In the struggle, the stone basin had been hit and thrown to the ground where it broke in dozens of pieces. Shocked, Regulus had helplessly watched the silvery content leak on the floor and seep into the carpet.

Alerted by the racket, the house-elf had barged in, closely followed by Mr. and Mrs. Black. Father had been livid.

Consequences had been dire for both himself and Sirius, but Regulus didn't care.

Lost. The memory of his first kiss had been lost forever. He had been robbed of it.

Regulus never forgave Sirius for it.

24/03/2004