Darker Than Death

Darker Than Death

I just need a hand that I can hold onto
When it's darker than death out there
"Make It Go Away" - Holly Cole

"Come on, you can do better than that!"

'Count on Padfoot to taunt his opponent during a duel,' thought Remus as he turned towards the duellers on the dais. His own battle with Malfoy had just ended with Dumbledore's arrival.

Sirius' laughter rose over the room, bringing a smile to his own lips. 'He's been cooped up too long in that horrid house; he's finally living again.'

He got Sirius and Bellatrix in his line of vision just in time to witness a spell hit Padfoot squarely in the chest.

The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock.

Cold washed over Remus. They were too close to the archway.

It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall: his body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backwards through the ragged veil hanging from the arch.

Remus' heart actually stopped beating. Jumped a beat or two, then resumed its pace. Still erratic, though. How could it not be? Padfoot...

"SIRIUS!" Harry yelled. "SIRIUS!"

'Oh, Merlin, Harry!' Prongs' son and Padfoot's godson's call had reached him. Harry. He had to stop Harry. The boy was running down the steep steps towards the dais and the archway. He felt as though his feet weighed a ton; felt his body shutting down and refuse to follow his orders, but he forced it into action. He had to stop Harry.

As he reached the ground and sprinted towards the dais, Lupin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back.

Battling his own body and the boy, Remus held onto Harry with all his might, all the might he was able to muster at this unthinkable moment.

"There's nothing you can do, Harry - "

'There's nothing I can do, either,' Remus reminded himself.

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

'Nothing but hold onto Prongs' son and Padfoot's godson.'

"- it's too late, Harry."

Remus had no idea how the words passed his lips. He had never done anything so hard in his life. Padfoot...

"We can still reach him - "

Remus had a new respect for the expression 'heart wrenching' as he held onto the struggling boy. Each and every cell in his being urged him to run to the veil and get to Padfoot.

But he had to hold onto Harry.

"There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... he's gone."

'Padfoot is gone. Again. Padfoot... Oh, Padfoot...'

"He hasn't gone!" Harry yelled.

Remus tightened his grip on Harry. He was breaking down. They were both breaking down. 'Who will put the pieces back together if not Padfoot?' his heart and mind asked him together. He had no answer.

But he had to hold onto Harry.

"SIRIUS!" he bellowed. "SIRIUS!"

The pain in the boy's voice was an echo of his own unvoiced anguish. 'How will I go on without Padfoot?' His heart and mind were in league to make this even worse. If that was possible.

He had to hold onto Harry.

"He can't come back, Harry," said Lupin, his voice breaking as he struggled to contain Harry. "He can't come back, because he's d- "

"HE - IS - NOT - DEAD!" roared Harry. "SIRIUS!"

Remus didn't know if the word would have crossed his lips, had Harry not interrupted him. He could scarcely bear the thought of it. To say it aloud anchored it in reality, an acknowledgement he didn't want to make. He wanted to run to the veil and find Padfoot, join him wherever he now was. The oath they had not been allowed to make publicly but had still taken in the secret of their hearts rang in his mind: 'In sickness and in health, till death do us part.'

'Till death do us part.'

'Till death do us part.'

'Till death do us part.'

'I'm not ready to part yet!' his heart and mind screamed together. Remus held even tighter onto Harry.

He had to hold onto Harry.

He had to. He needed to. For Harry as much as himself.

The boy was fighting to break free, but Remus held onto him. He had to get away from that dais, that archway, that veil. He didn't trust himself not to run through it in pursuit of Padfoot, yet.

Lupin dragged Harry away from the dais.

He couldn't tear his eyes from the veil. Almost as if he expected Padfoot to surprise him once more and come back. But he wouldn't. Ever. His Padfoot was gone. Once more. Definitely this time.

No one comes back from the dead, not even Sirius Black.

Harry slowly stopped struggling against him, but Remus held onto him nevertheless. His life was crumbling around him. He was not Moony anymore - Moony had gone with Padfoot. He was breaking down, and Prongs' son and Padfoot's godson was the one thing holding him together. He just needed someone to hold onto, now that it was darker than death.