O my soul

O My Soul

Part Three

Draco's already pale face became almost translucent. "Professor," he said, then snapped his mouth shut.

"I'm getting Madame Pomfrey," Hermione said, and ran out the door.

Meanwhile, the Potions Master had stumbled backwards into a corner, and was holding his arms out before him, as if trying to ward something off. Sweat was rolling down his face, and his eyes were wide.

"What should we do?" Ron told Harry. "He looks like..."

"It's what he said would happen, I mean, he's hallucinating."

"D- don't... come near me..." Severus said, his voice a hoarse whisper. "Stay away... s- stay away!"

A few Slytherins stepped closer to him, but hesitated when again he said, "Stay away!"

"He said it wouldn't take long for the potion to kick in," Harry said, gripping the edge of his desk.

"Unless Malfoy botched it," Ron said.

Draco spun around and hissed, "I didn't botch it, slug breath!"

Then, the Potions Master slid down the wall and sat on the floor, panting. He blinked, but his eyes were still unfocused and bleary.

Draco shoved aside the Slytherins who were standing in his way, and crouched down in front of Severus. "Sir... can you hear me?"

His Head of House nodded, though he was still clearly dazed. "Potion... in system. Give me... a moment."

"Goyle, get me a glass of water," Draco said, snapping his fingers.

The lumbering boy complied, and handed it to him.

Snape was perspiring heavily, but his breathing was growing calmer. With a trembling hand, he fumbled in his robes for a handkerchief, and wiped his face. "The potion can have... that side effect."

"Have some water, professor," Draco said.

"First tell me... Draco. You didn't have anything to do with what happened yesterday."

Tense seconds went by. "No, sir. I-"

"Are you sure."

Draco's jaw tightened. Then he said in a whisper, "Why did you join that Muggle cult, professor? You're a Slytherin, and you're groveling at the feet of some weak-"

"Come to my office, when you're ready to tell me."

"It wasn't me, sir, but..." He spoke with his lips next to the professor's ear. "I... I knew something was going to happen. When my father found out, he told the Dark Lord, who said he couldn't reach you through the Dark Mark anymore."

The Potions Master cupped Draco's cheek; the boy was so stunned, he froze.

"I know what sort of things you've been exposed to," Severus said. "You asked me why I joined that Muggle cult, as you said. Let me show you."

He rolled up his sleeve.

Draco gasped. "It's..."

"Your eyes are not deceiving you. I no longer bear the mark."

A number of hushed exclamations could be heard. Then a Gryffindor cried, "Death Eater!" and drew out his wand.

"Wait, he's not one of them!" Harry said, but more students drew out their wands; some at each other, the others at Snape.

At that moment, Pomfrey and Hermione entered the room.

"What on earth is going on in here?" Pomfrey said, pulling out her own wand. "Hermione, fetch the Headmaster!"

Hermione, her features etched with fright, took off once more.

"You are all going to put your wands down!" the mediwitch said, pointing her wand at them.

However, the Potions Master had gotten to his feet and with a loud voice said, "Enough!"

All eyes darted in his direction.

"I am going to place my wand on my desk." After he carefully did so, he displayed his bare forearm and said, "I am not ignorant of the rumours that circulate around Hogwarts. As many of you suspected, I was a Death Eater. But before the Dark Lord was defeated, I became a spy for Headmaster Dumbledore. Last year, I was almost killed, or rather, executed, by Death Eaters, who had acted on the orders of my former master. You might say I am living on borrowed time."

At last the Gryffindor who'd first trained his wand on him said, "You're lying."

"Look at his arm, you idiot!" Harry said. "How can he still be a Death Eater and not have the Dark Mark?"

"It's -it's a trick."

"No, Mister Whitehall. I was granted a great mercy."

"Whatever it was, you didn't deserve it."

"I demand you lower your wand at once," Pomfrey said. "And that goes for all of you!"

"Poppy, let me handle this," Severus said. He began to walk toward his young accuser, whose fingers tightened around his wand. "Mister Whitehall. Your aunt and uncle were killed by Death Eaters, were they not?"

"Yes," Whitehall said, his lips twisting in a snarl.

The Potions Master stopped about two feet from him, not even flinching when the tip of the boy's wand touched his chest. "I could not save them."

"You make me sick," Whitehall said. "Putting on this nice guy act, you monster..."

Severus sank to his knees; the boy's words died in his throat.

"Jeremy, my brother, forgive me a sinner," Severus said, and prostrated himself before the flabbergasted Gryffindor.

No one made a single movement, unable to believe what they were seeing. Moments later, some started to lower their wands, and slip them back up their sleeves, except for Whitehall, who seemed too shocked to do anything.

Dumbledore barged in the classroom, accompanied by Hermione and Father Nikolski.

"Albus, thank goodness you're here," Pomfrey said.

The Headmaster saw Severus on his knees in front of one of his students, forehead pressed against the floor; the Gryffindor's arm hung limply at his side, hand still clutching his wand.

"Poppy?" Dumbledore said.

"I've no idea what happened. I got here and it looked like a war was breaking out."

The priest glanced at Severus and said, "Perhaps the class should be ended now, Headmaster."

Dumbledore nodded. "Come, children. Go to your common rooms until it's time for lunch."

The students quietly gathered their books and cauldrons, and filed past their Potions Master. The Headmaster put his arm around Whitehall's shoulders. "Do you like lemon drops?" he said, and guided him out of the classroom.

Pomfrey wavered near the door; Father Nikolski said, "He will be fine, I have the necessary medicine."

"I would appreciate it if you brought him to the Hospital Wing anyway, Father. Just so I can give him a quick once over."

"Of course. It will be as you wish."

This satisfied the mediwitch, and she too left.

Father Nikolski went to the Potions Master. "Arise, Severus."

"Father..." It was a lament.

"Child, I think it would be best if you revealed your secret."

Severus lifted his head abruptly, and looked at the priest with reddened, pleading eyes. "Why? You agreed that I could-"

Father Nikolski put a gentle hand on Severus's shoulder. "What is the most important virtue for a monk?"

Severus bowed his head again. "Obedience, Father. But..."

"I know your desire was to offer this work secretly to the Lord, but I am of the opinion that it would be more helpful to your students to give them a visible sign of your new life. It would ease their confusion, do you agree? And also, my child, it would be of benefit to you, a reminder that past things are behind you, and that you must look ahead. It will give you fortitude, and compel you to strive even more for perfection."

Severus thought of Draco, of all the children. How else could he earn their trust than by opening up to them, by demonstrating without the shadow of a doubt that he was no longer the man he once was? How could they trust him if he kept things hidden, as he'd always done? It had to stop, now. But he was also afraid... and he wasn't sure of what.

Of being perceived as weak.

God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty, and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen.

Of failing.

My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.

"When," he said.

"As soon as possible."

"Yes, Father."

"Good, good. First, we will go see your Madame Pomfrey-"

Severus groaned softly.

"Then, we shall pray. And I would like you to tell me all that happened here this morning."

An image surfaced in Severus's mind, and he stiffened.

"Severus?"

"I... there is someone whom I haven't forgiven. I thought I had, but..." The Potions Master sighed and shook his head.

"Come. We shall discuss this after your doctor has had a look at you."

****

At dinner time, the Great Hall was resonating with commotion as never before. Rumors were being swapped faster than anyone could keep track of, resulting in statements that conflicted each other from one ear to the next. Few even noticed, caught up in the anger, excitement, or incredulity elicited by the source of it all: Professor Severus Snape's mysterious past and the fantastic manner in which it had been exposed.

The fact that Harry Potter and his friends had known of the Potions Master's previous allegiances and his spying activities for Dumbledore did not seem to have much of an impact on a number of popular theories, such as that Severus was a traitor, or a heart-broken vampire who'd turned to the Death Eaters as a means for revenge, or a greedy shape-shifter, or even Voldemort in disguise (at the very least, one of Voldemort's body parts was concealed somewhere underneath those billowing robes).

Those who argued that their Potions Master had undergone a positive transformation were ignored or belittled.

Then, all conversations came to an abrupt halt, and all heads turned towards the entrance.

Their once-forbidding professor was standing next to the Muggle priest, and the expression on his face was unlike anything the students had ever seen. His eyes were lowered, his features torn between something like resignation and uneasiness.

But more surprising than that was his attire. He now looked very similar to the priest at his side; he was wearing the same black tunic with wide sleeves, the same cylindrical hat with a long veil flowing down his back.

The priest seemed amused by the students' reaction, and began walking towards the Head Table with Severus trailing him closely behind, along with a rush of whispering voices.

The students were not the only ones who had been shocked by Severus's unusual appearance. His fellow teachers were currently gawking at him, save for Dumbledore, in whose office Father Nikolski and Severus had just spent about an hour, discussing the upcoming revelations.

The moment Severus and Father Nikolski took their seats, the Headmaster rose.

"Before we settle down to dinner, a few things must be clarified," Dumbledore said. "Hogwarts being what it is, I imagine you've all heard by now what happened during potions class this afternoon. It is true that Professor Snape was a Death Eater; it is equally true that he then became a spy and risked his life again and again to protect wizardkind. He almost died last winter, but thankfully, he was rescued by Father Nikolski and his monks, who cared for our Potions Master until he recovered." The Headmaster paused, then said, "Father? Perhaps you could tell the children exactly what happened."

The priest stood and bowed first to Dumbledore, then to the roomful of students. "Good evening, young ones. It is my first opportunity to speak with you since I arrived here, and I am very pleased to tell you about your professor and his stay at our monastery. When we found Severus, we much feared that he would not live. It was God's will that your professor should be healed and return to your school. He had many wounds also that we did not detect right away. They became obvious quickly. I began to treat them, and his spirit emerged from the darkness that had engulfed him. You see, yes? He became changed. He possessed a noble soul, but it had been tarnished by neglect, like silver when it is not polished."

Absolute silence reigned in the Great Hall.

"But you are of course getting hungry, and I am talking endlessly. Listen to your professor, who has something to say to you."

The Potions Master got to his feet.

"Children, I know that... I've never been your favorite professor at Hogwarts," he said. His voice was as soft as always, though it lacked that familiar, deadly edge almost every student had come to dread. "You were not wrong in your judgment of my character and actions. Mitigating circumstances cannot excuse my cruel behavior towards you." He sighed, and went on while the students stared at him, thunderstruck. "I ridiculed those of you who struggled, as well as those who excelled. I was unfair, merciless. I truly believed that I was doing what was necessary to prepare you for the inevitable battles awaiting you. However, I now believe that it would have been more to your advantage had I been gentler. Sweetness of the lips increases learning. I-"

He suddenly seemed at a loss for words, and all held their breaths without being aware of it. At last, he resumed his speech.

"From now on, I would like you to call me Brother Severus. Before I left the monastery, I took vows as a monk. Father Nikolski thought it best that you be told. Should you have any questions, come and see me. I hope that... I can be a better teacher, a better man than I once was, and that you will not hesitate to let me know whenever you have a problem. I promise to do all that I can to help you."

The Potions Master looked like he was no longer able to stand; Father Nikolski drew him in his arms, held him tightly, then they kissed each other on the cheeks three times and sat down.

"A little food is in order," Dumbledore said.

He clapped his hands, and golden plates materialized in front of everyone. That evening, though, there was more talking than eating taking place, and the students kept glancing at the Head Table, where their Potions Master was busy coping with the barrage of questions that came from the other professors.

"A monk, Severus? I must say, the habit does suit you," Lupin said.

"How could you hide this from us?" McGonagall said, before Severus could reply to Lupin. "Such a life-altering decision! I think we deserved to know."

"I apologize, Minerva, it's just-"

"He did not wish to... how do you say? Broadcast it," Father Nikolski said. "It is not frequent for someone to be a secret monk, but it does happen. In Severus's case, his choice had to do with his circumstances and also, he will deny it, humility."

McGonagall's lips twitched, and she said, "You have certainly had a positive influence on him.

"Not I, but the Lord," Father Nikolski said.

"Ah, yes. The Christian God," McGonagall said. She looked at the cross on his chest. "A very moving example of self-sacrifice."

"Although, let's not forget that Christianity has not always been kind to those of us who have the gift of second-sight," Trelawney said, and slowly sipped from her cup of pumpkin juice.

"Terrible mistakes were made, assuredly," Father Nikolski said.

"You're Orthodox," McGonagall said. "The East was not marked by such madness as witch burnings."

"We have and continue to err in our own way," the priest said. "But, you are familiar with our history, Professor McGonagall. That is most interesting."

"Oh, I'm well-read, that's all."

"I need to brush up on Muggle religions," Lupin said.

"I knew only a little, before I was at the monastery," Severus said.

"You have made much progress since," Father Nikolski said with a smile.

"Perhaps, at some point, Severus will share with us what led him to become a monastic," Dumbledore said, joining in the conversation. "Besides the initial miracle, that is. I am quite sure it wasn't the only motivating factor."

"When Albus told us that you had removed the Dark Mark from Severus's arm, Father Nikolski, we were, well... to say we were bowled over would not be an adequate description, frankly," McGonagall said.

"Imagine the look on my face when I saw the mark wasn't there anymore," Severus said.

"It was a blessing of the merciful God," Father Nikolski said.

"We will always be thankful to you for saving our Severus's life," Dumbledore said. His blue eyes grew bright behind the moon-shaped glasses perched upon his nose. "I hope you will be able to stay with us for a while longer."

"I will remain until the danger has passed," the priest said.

****

Later that evening, Severus was in his office, grading essays, when there was a knock at his door, then a voice that said, "Professor... Brother Severus?"

Draco Malfoy.

Severus put his quill down. "Enter."

The Slytherin stepped inside the room and quickly shut the door behind him. He was pale and disheveled.

"Draco, is something wrong?" Severus said, rising. He walked around his desk towards the boy. "Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry, sir," Malfoy said. He smoothed back his hair with a clumsy gesture and tried to catch his breath. "I, I didn't want to be followed-"

"Sit down," Severus said, guiding Malfoy to a chair. "There. Rest for a moment."

"Prof- Brother Severus, I have to tell you..."

"Yes?"

"I received a message from my father. After what happened during dinner, half the Slytherins owled their parents, and my father wrote that I shouldn't worry, that it would be taken care of, the Dark Lord had found a way to get to you. He said that they had an agent at Hogwarts who would capture you."

"I see."

"Sir, what are you going to do?"

"It will be fine, Draco. I have many friends watching over me."

The boy stared up at him, hesitated, then said, "Did it hurt, when they removed the mark?"

Severus sat on the edge of the desk. "I don't quite remember, but I can't imagine the pain was greater than when the Dark Lord burnt it into my flesh."

"I wonder if..." Malfoy shook his head, and lowered his eyes.

"Don't be afraid to confide in me."

"It's my father. I'm almost old enough now."

"Has there already been talk of you getting the mark?"

Malfoy shrugged and said with a bleak voice, "Father has always expected I would, when the time came. I'll soon be the same age he was when he became a Death Eater, so..."

"It's not something you want anymore."

"I've never disobeyed father. I wanted to please him. Not that it's been easy."

"He loves you, deep inside his heart. Unfortunately, some of the choices he's made have turned him into a hardened man."

"He doesn't love me at all," Malfoy said. "I realized that after you returned to Hogwarts. You were like him, before. And then... I didn't know what to think. All of a sudden, you were so different, just because of some Muggle religion. I didn't believe it."

"Hence, the cockroach test," Severus said, a slight smile curving his lips.

"And the patch of ice. I'm sorry about that, sir... Brother Severus."

"It was nothing." Severus glanced at the potion that was brewing on his worktable. "I'm afraid there's something I must attend to, Draco. Perhaps we can continue our talk tomorrow, if you want. Then we can further discuss how to thwart you father's... ambitions as far as you're concerned."

"Yes, Brother."

"Be careful on your way back. And get a good night's sleep, Draco. Don't worry."

"I'll try. Be careful too, Brother Severus."

When the boy had closed the door behind him, Severus hastened to his cauldron; the potion was ready.

"Thank God, not a moment too late," he murmured, and ladled some of it into a goblet. Then he left his office and headed for Lupin's quarters.

Soon after he'd gone, a black dog appeared from around the corner, and... like a ghost, it went right through the wall that separated the Potion Master's office from the hallway.

****

"Ah, Severus, or should I say, Brother Severus," Lupin said. "I am rather glad to see you."

"Don't get up," Severus said. "Here, drink."

The werewolf gulped the potion down, and shuddered. "Every time, I think I've gotten used to the taste," he said. "An infinitely small imperfection, needless to say..." He exhaled. "I feel a bit better already. Thank you."

"No need. I will bring you more tomorrow. You look exhausted, would you like a cup of tea? I think it would do you good."

Lupin met Severus's dark gaze and said, "What did they do to you in that monastery, Severus? I hope you'll forgive me if I'm being rude, but I never would have thought anything could have... well, changed you so drastically, in so short a time."

"I would forgive you for much more than that. In fact, I'm the one who must ask you for forgiveness. I exposed your secret, destroyed your life. What happened wasn't your fault. I-"

"Ancient history. I didn't blame you then, and I don't blame you now. Besides which, I haven't forgotten how cruel James and Sirius were to you. I never stopped them, did I? You'd think I would have known what it is to be an outcast. I think we all contributed to the disastrous end results."

"I am grateful for your generosity. Still, none of you were seduced by the Dark Lord."

"That's ancient history as well, isn't it?"

After a moment, Severus nodded. "By the grace of God, it is. As long as I abide in Him."

"I'm convinced you will. Honestly, Severus, I hardly recognize you. No one does. And it's not just the hat."

A soft laugh escaped the Potions Master, and a contemplative expression came over his features. "A man has spent most of his life in the grave. With each passing year, as impossible as it sounds, the darkness increases, a darkness so deep that it eventually engulfs absolutely everything. But he wants this darkness, he craves it, no matter how cold and unbearable it is. He has shut himself into his dank tomb, believing that nothing can touch him. Then, one day, someone joins him there, amidst the bones and stench...This person is life itself, and he has come to shatter death by his very presence."

Severus retrieved a small piece of wood from his tunic and enlarged it with a tap of his wand.

"This is an icon of the Entombment of Christ," he said, showing the image to Lupin. "The man, being wrapped in linen. He conquered the emptiness of death, which is the absence of God, for humanity's sake. Our willingness to be reconciled is the only requirement; it is what we Orthodox call synergy, or the relationship between the action of God and the cooperation of man." He looked at the icon, kissed it, touched it with his forehead, and kissed it again. Then he shrank it and tucked it back in his tunic.

"I'm not sure I understand, but I can see how much this has affected you," Lupin said.

Severus sighed. "I apologize for rambling. It's not easy to explain... no words are adequate. It was as though all my life, I'd been looking out of a window, at night, and suddenly, a bolt of lightning pierced the darkness, and I was blinded, utterly overcome... an indescribable love melting my heart-" His voice caught in his throat, and he turned away from Lupin, who sat silently.

"And so," Severus said after a few moments, "my only desire is to remain in communion with this love. I have known and believed the love God has for us, and it is written, 'this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments.' We must not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth; he who does not love does not know God. However, the changes you've seen in me do not come from me, but from Him, who sees my efforts and has mercy on me."

"From what I hear, your students aren't complaining. Whatever you wish to call this experience of yours, the fruits are undeniable."

Lupin handed the goblet to Severus, who took it from him.

"At the end of his life, one of the holy desert fathers told his disciples that he had not yet begun to repent," Severus said. "It's getting late, you need to rest. I'll bid you goodnight, Remus."

"Goodnight, Severus."

****

He who is gracious to all your iniquities, who redeems your life from corruption, who crowns you with mercy and compassion, who fulfills your desire with good things, who shall renew your youth as the eagle's...

Severus interrupted his mental recitation of the Psalter and glanced out of one of the tall windows that lined the hallway. The moon was almost full, and yet, he was calm.

For as great as is the height of heaven from the earth, has the Lord made His mercy to triumph for those who revere Him. For He knows that from which we are made, He remembers that we are dust.

He had nothing to fear. Not anymore.

I entrust myself to Your mercy; I submit to Your will.

He made his way down to the dungeons, and entered his office. He had left in such a hurry that, contrary to his usual habit, he hadn't put away his potions ingredients; they were still scattered on his worktable.

He began to gather the vials, his thoughts wandering to the midnight service. Perhaps he would chant the Akathist to the Lord first...

Distracted, he failed to notice the one vial that didn't belong to his personal stocks.

Seconds before he reached for it, something in his mind alerted him to the anomaly, and then the tips of his fingers touched the glass. Immediately he felt as though his stomach was collapsing upon itself, he was jerked upwards, and everything began to swirl.

Then, he fell hard on the ground. Dew covered grass moistened his tunic at the knees, and he fought against dizziness.

What... a portkey? From within Hogwarts? Impossible-

"Why, Severus. How lovely to see you cowering before me once more."

Severus's heart started beating so rapidly that his vision blurred.

Oh, my God, no...

Rough hands grabbed his arm and he was hoisted to his feet.

"Hello, Brother," Lucius Malfoy said, hissing in Severus's ear. "Remember us?" He pushed the ex-Death Eater forward.

Severus guessed that they were somewhere deep within the Forbidden Forest, but he couldn't be entirely sure. A few feet in front of him stood Voldemort, and in a circle around them were masked Death Eaters.

Lord, help me, help me.

The Dark Lord drew closer. "Nice outfit, Severus. Though I can't imagine why you'd trade your Death Eater robes for Muggle scraps."

Voldemort's followers snickered.

Severus said nothing. He prayed for strength, and tried to keep himself from trembling.

"You know by now, of course, that some Muggle legends are true after all. And so do I," Voldemort said. "Consequently, I am more powerful than I ever dreamed possible. It was merely a question of finding a worthwhile master."

Severus's eyes widened. He could not have heard Voldemort correctly.

"That's right, Severus. I, the master, was ready to kneel before another. Call it a pact between friends."

"Who," Severus said at last.

"Oh, I don't think I need to tell you, do I. I believe you've become intimately acquainted with the Father of lies." He caressed Severus's face, then struck him. "The Prince of the air." He struck Severus again. "The Accuser." Slap. "Turning the other cheek, Severus? Aren't you going to resist, even a little?" Slap. "I had such hopes I could tempt you with an offer to rejoin us." Slap.

A stream of blood ran from the corner of Severus's mouth.

------

End of part three.