Bedcurtain Confessional

Bedcurtain Confessional

Remus had finally balled up the courage to do it. It wasn't something he had wanted to do, necessarily, but it was something he knew he needed to do. After all, they were his friends, and friends weren't supposed to keep secrets from one another, were they? Also, if he couldn't trust them with the information, was he ever going to be able to trust anyone?

He had decided first to tell Sirius. There wasn't much of a logical reason for this, but that he knew he wanted to see Sirius' reaction before James' or Peter's. Perhaps because Sirius was more likely to mock him or laugh at him rather than be frightened of him, but whatever the reason, Remus merely knew, deep down, that Sirius had to be first.

He waited until everyone was asleep one night to do it; James and Peter were heavy sleepers, so Remus was sure he would not be heard. He pushed back the hangings around Remus' bed and climbed onto it, sitting cross-legged at Sirius' side. Sirius stirred but didn't wake up, so Remus nudged him gently in the back.

"Sirius, wake up," he whispered, looking down at his sleeping friend apprehensively. Sirius stirred again and made a long, groaning noise that signified his awakening. He turned over and squinted at Remus in the dark.

"Remus," he groaned, rubbing his eyes and propping himself up on one arm. "What are you doing?"

"I have something to tell you, Sirius," Remus whispered back, leaning closer so that Sirius could hear him.

"Remus, if you mean about Peter having a crush on Mary Markby, James and I figured that out three days ago," Sirius grumbled, turning back over and hitching the covers over his shoulder, pretending to go back to sleep.

"No, it's not about Mary Markby," Remus said, regretting the plaintive note in his voice. He sighed shortly and lay down next to Sirius, his hands clasped on his chest and his eyes fixed on no particular point on the ceiling. "It's about me."

Sirius liked to pretend that he didn't like to gossip, but it was a blatant lie. Whenever someone dropped their voice to a conspiratorial whisper, Sirius' ears would perk up and he would go very still, obviously listening closely. Remus couldn't see if Sirius' eyes had opened and his ears had perked up, but all pretense of trying to settle back in to sleep was abandoned, and his body went very still.

"What is it, Remus?" he asked, trying to sound concerned, but sounded so eager that Remus almost smiled.

"I..." Remus choked out, but his voice gave out before he could finish his sentence. He closed his mouth again and stared fixedly at the ceiling, wishing that there was an easy way to say it, some way of breaking the news that wouldn't make it sound like a joke.

When Remus didn't answer for a moment, Sirius turned back on his other side and looked first at the other boy's clasped hands, and then at his unseeing eyes. "Remus, what is it?"

Remus turned to Sirius and looked into his dark eyes, which were staring back at him with genuine concern, and sighed. "Sirius, I... I'm... this is hard for me to say," he ended quickly, stalling for time and looking away. "And you... have to promise not to tell anybody."

A curious look flickered over Sirius' features, but Remus didn't see them. "Wh-... what are you..." Sirius sat up a little suddenly and looked at Remus. "Are you trying to tell me you're gay?" With barely a pause, Sirius continued, despite the confused look on Remus' face. "I mean, me and James sort of wondered... I mean, the way you look at some of the blokes, it's not really... I mean, it's okay, I understand, but -"

Remus had sat up by this point. "Sirius!" he interjected, holding up his hands to stop his friend's runaway mouth. "No, no, that's... I mean, I'm not... that's not what I was trying to say," Remus said awkwardly, his brow furrowed in confusion.

Sirius looked like all the wind had been taken out of his sails. "Oh," he said, looking vaguely disappointed. "Well, this had better be interesting."

"I can promise you that," Remus muttered ruefully, his voice quiet again, and he wrung his hands nervously in front of him. Sirius was giving him an impatient, expectant look, which just made him more nervous. "Look, Sirius, you have to promise not to flip out."

There was a pause, and Sirius contemplated Remus for a moment. "All right," he said. "I promise."

Sirius stared at Remus. Remus stared at Sirius. "I'm a werewolf."

"..."

"When I was five, I got bitten, and ever since then, every time the full moo-"

"You're kidding," Sirius said flatly. "You've got to be kidding. No, I know you are. You're just covering, I know it. You're really gay, and you got pissed off that I guessed it, so you're making the werewolf thing up."

Remus shook his head. "Sirius," he said, to impede his friend's train of thought. He could feel hot tears stinging the corners of his eyes, and he hated them, but he had to hold Sirius' gaze. "Why would I make up something like this?"

Sirius hesitated, and then lowered his gaze. "Yeah..."

"Look," Remus said after an awkwardly long pause. "I... I shouldn't have told you. Just... forget it. I... it's nothing you can help with anyway. Really." He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and started to push himself off it when Sirius grabbed his arm.

"No, wait. Remus, I... I just don't know what to say."

Remus looked over at Sirius and shrugged, giving him a wry smile. "There's really nothing you can say. Except, of course, that I'm a sub-human freak of nature that should be locked up so that I don't harm anyone." He gave a small shiver and shook his head. "Sorry," he muttered, mostly to himself, and tried to push off again, but Sirius was still holding onto his arm.

"No, Remus, I... that's not what I think. At all. I just... I mean... you're my best friend, Remus. Nothing can change that." Remus looked over at his friend, daring to hope that he meant it. "Not even if you turn into a big scary beast once a month."

Remus rolled his eyes, but silently let out a breath of relief. At least Sirius was joking about it instead of cowering in the corner screaming "werewolf! Werewolf in my bed!" at the top of his lungs.

"Hey, I put up with girls, and they do the same thing."

At that, Remus laughed out loud. "You've never put up with a girl for longer than a month! How would you know?"

"I've heard stories," Sirius whispered, the familiar joking light back in his eyes. Remus thought to himself that he much preferred it to the blank, uncomprehending stare that had earlier occupied his eyes.

"You're incorrigible," Remus said, his shoulders shaking with mirth. "Now, I'm going to get some sleep, if you don't mind."

Sirius' smile softened a little and he leaned in, still not letting go of Remus' arm. "I'm serious, Remus. This doesn't change anything. And I promise, I'll try my hardest to make things better for you."

Remus began to shake his head, wanting to tell Sirius that he and his parents had been through all the books they could, seen all the specialists that would admit him, and that there was nothing that could be done for him, but the look in Sirius' eyes turned his head and made him nod instead.

"Thanks," he said, finding that his throat was constricted with more emotion than he had expected. Sirius grinned then and let go of his arm.

"Though, are you sure you're not gay, too? I mean, I've seen the way you look at Jake Underwood's arse when he comes into Herbology class," Sirius asked, waggling his eyebrows.

Remus rolled his eyes again and slid off of the bed. "Goodnight, Sirius."

"Oh, go on, you know you stare," he whispered as Remus moved to his own bed. "I bet you stare at my arse too."

"Yes, all the time," Remus replied dryly, pulling his covers over himself but not shutting his hangings quite yet.

"Hah! I thought so!" Sirius hissed triumphantly, settling back into bed again. "I have a universally attractive arse."

"Goodnight, Sirius."

"'Night, Remus."