Better Late Than Never

Better Late Than Never

Snape was sitting in his office, marking the endless pile of rubbish that passed for student essays, when his door banged open and quick, angry footsteps brought someone to stand directly opposite him. He didn't bother to look up; he had been expecting this all day, ever since he had made the announcement at breakfast. Dumbledore had already reprimanded him severely but he had been waiting for a more personal confrontation.

"Finished packing already, Lupin?" he sneered, the sarcasm and distaste always easy to summon. There was silence for a few moments and Snape reluctantly raised his eyes. If it was possible, Lupin looked even more world-weary and exhausted than usual.

"Why, Severus?" Lupin asked, his voice too calm and controlled.

"Because of what you are," Snape snarled, infuriated at the use of his name. How dare he - how dare he presume intimacy? "Because you aid and abet murderers. Because you are a threat to every normal person in this school. Because I - because I don't trust you."

Lupin bore this with no discernable response. His muscles were tense beneath his skin - not that Snape noticed such things, oh no, - but his brittle self-control was holding.

"Why did you say it?" he asked slowly. Snape considered pretending obtuseness but dismissed that as beneath him. Of course he knew what Lupin meant. His own words came back to him, furious and cruel...Perhaps the Dementors will have a kiss for him, too...despite Lupin's deliberate calm, fury was radiating from his lean figure. "Did you mean it?" Lupin asked, voice starting to shake slightly. Snape concentrated on his rage, letting it obliterate his other emotions.

"Of course I meant it, werewolf," Snape hissed, venom dripping from every syllable. "Black should be dead, and if I had my way, you would be too."

Even the kindest, gentlest person has a breaking point somewhere. Apparently, this was Lupin's. He growled, face contorted into a rictus of anger, and he grabbed the front of Snape's robes, lifting him halfway out of his seat.

"Damn you Snape, Sirius is innocent! And I have done nothing to you! All this year I have stayed the hell away from you, just as you wanted!"

Snape's anger rose to meet this outburst and he jerked free of Lupin, drawing himself up to his full height to loom over him.

"You could never be far enough away for me! Why did you have to come back? It was bad enough when we were students, after...why couldn't you just stay away?"

"I needed this job! More than you need yours! And maybe I wanted to be back here...with people I care about...maybe I hoped that after all this time you would be less bitter...you would have forgotten..."

"Forgotten?! I ALMOST DIED!" Snape screamed, ignoring everything except his anger. An old trick of his it prevented him considering any other emotions aroused. Emotions that were weaknesses. Emotions that had he worked too hard to suppress.

"I KNOW!" roared Lupin, slamming his fists on the table. Snape had never seen him this angry, angry beyond all sense or lies. "Don't you think I know? Do you think it doesn't haunt me - that it didn't break my heart knowing what could of happened to you, of all people, you! Do you think it doesn't haunt me - that it didn't break my heart knowing what could of happened to you, of all people, you! But I hoped that you might have forgiven me...that you might have realised how sorry I was. How sorry I am!"

"I don't care how sorry you are! I was almost killed because you and that bastard Black thought it would be funny to see me ripped into bloody pieces!"

"IT WASN'T ME!" Lupin bellowed, voice cracking as he shouted; he never raised his voice like this but he seemed to think that if he just spoke loudly enough, Snape would start listening. "I told you then and I'm telling you now, I had nothing to do with it! It was Sirius, playing a stupid joke. A stupid, dangerous, vicious joke that I knew nothing about. Why is that so hard for you to believe?"

"Because you did everything with Black! Of course you were in on it!"

Lupin's eyes narrowed suddenly.

"That's it," he said, surprise replacing anger. "It's all about Sirius, isn't it? It was always about Sirius."

"What the hell are you implying?" Snape snapped, squashing the fear rising within him.

"And here I was, all this time thinking you had a blind hatred of werewolves. Thinking that if I showed you I was safe, I wasn't a monster, you wouldn't hate me. But I was completely wrong." Lupin was thoughtful, his anger vented. He was almost talking to himself, reasoning aloud. Snape knew his own mask of utter hatred was intact - he had used it often enough - but inside, his anger was losing the battle with fear. Lupin was too close to the truth. Far too close.

"I don't know what you're babbling about and I don't care," Snape said coldly, frantic to get rid of Lupin now. "Get out of my office and out of this school."

Lupin just looked at him, face unreadable. Snape pushed his hair out of his face, self-conscious. Damn it! He was not self-conscious, he did not care what Lupin thought. I'm not fifteen anymore, he reminded himself sternly. That's all over. That died years ago.

Lupin leaned forward, eyes earnest.

"Sirius and I were just friends. Never anything more." Snape opened his mouth to reply with a vicious putdown - what did he care if they rode rings around each other every night and twice on Sundays, he hated them, hated all the Marauders - but Lupin cut him off, saying softly, "It was always you, Severus. Always."

Snape opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish, unable to form a coherent reply. Lupin continued, in the same soft tone, knocking Snape further off balance.

"You knew that - you had to have known that. I told you. To your face. I was terrified, but I managed to tell you everything before bolting. You just stood there, like you are now, with that blank face. I thought I'd made a terrible mistake."

"I was too shocked to chase after you," Snape whispered, too dazed to lie. "Spent the whole of the next day trying to get you alone, but Black was like a guard dog. And then...you vanished."

"That time of the month," Lupin said with a bitter smile.

"I wandered over the whole school that night, looking," Snape continued, deep in memory. "Desperate to find you. But I found Black."

"Who told you where I was."

"I was too frantic to wonder why he was helping me. Stupid, stupid thing to do! But I had to find you..."

"And so you did..."

Snape was staring at his hands. It would be so easy to continue, to tell Lupin how shocked and angry he had been. How he thought that Lupin's confession was all part of the joke, to lure him to the Whomping Willow. How much it hurt when Dumbledore treated him as if he had done something wrong - as if Sirius was the victim. And, to finish it all off, how when he had seen Lupin again, all he had wanted to talk about was bloody Sirius, and his curse. To plead with him not to reveal his secret. Snape hadn't heard a word of it. All he had walked away with was the conviction that all Lupin cared about was Sirius and his privacy...not Snape at all.

"He was there, you know," Lupin added. Snape jerked his head, confusion obvious. "Sirius. That night...when I went to talk to you, he followed in James' cloak. Heard the whole thing. That's why he tricked you into seeing me like that. He wasn't trying to kill you, Severus. He was trying to stop there being an us." Lupin's eyes were immeasurable pools of sadness. "It worked. You hated me - wouldn't even speak to me for as long as we remained at Hogwarts."

"But...did he..."

"Did he want me?" Lupin supplied, bluntly. "No. Never. He - erm - couldn't really handle me being gay. He was fine towards me but he - erm - didn't like me showing an interest in anyone. He was the big brother from hell! And...well - you and him..."

"We hated each other," Snape said impatiently.

"He couldn't deal with me...with me liking you so much. He knew...he noticed the way I was around you...we had so many rows over it...once I had made my move, so to speak, he was determined that nothing would happen between us...so he went after you." Lupin finished miserably. "It was pointless...you weren't interested anyway, I know that now. I couldn't believe how reckless he had been. I had hoped we could still be friends but...well, I'm here now..." Lupin trailed off hopefully. Snape refused to meet his eyes, mind still whirling. Lupin exhaled rapidly.

"Yeah, so...I'm sorry Severus, really sorry for not standing up to him more, sorry for embarrassing you the way I did, sorry for dragging it up again...I'm just sorry." Lupin's shoulders slumped and his exhaustion seemed to take hold again. "I won't see you around, will I? So...goodbye, Severus."

Snape remained motionless for a few moments, enough time for Lupin to exit and leave him alone in the cold dungeon. Was this what he wanted? To be cold and lonely, but with his pride intact? Slowly, carefully, Snape sat down. After a few moments, he returned to his marking, pausing once to stare into space, deep in thought.

Lupin walked out of the school gates alone. He looked back only once, allowing his gaze to sweep the magnificent castle, before resolutely turning his face forward. As he approached his carriage, the door swung open and a tall, dark shape unfolded himself from within.

"Took your own bloody time leaving," Snape observed with a superior air.

"I was talking with Harry and Dumbledore. Didn't know anyone was waiting," Lupin replied warily. Snape relieved him of his belongings, climbing into the carriage to place them on one of the seats. Lupin followed, a small crease between his eyebrows.

"Thanks," he said lightly, unsure what game was being played. Snape reached over and slammed the door shut. Lupin remained still, waiting.

"You need to be more aggressive," Snape said harshly, pulling Lupin to him and kissing him hard. "What kind of wolf are you? You need to be more forceful to get your own way."

Lupin stared at him in shock before smiling - what else? - wolfishly.

"I'm sure you'll teach me," he replied hungrily. "Better late then never."