Lupin's Grieving

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing,

Watch you smile while you are sleeping,

While you're far away and dreaming,

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,

I could stay lost in this moment forever,

When every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure,

Remus Lupin sat on his bed late at night with only the candle flame as his light. He had raw red eyes and pale skin. He was skinnier than usual as he hadn't been eating, and he hadn't had a wash in weeks. His robes were nearly rags and his half grey hair was even more so. It had been one month since Sirius was murdered. Remus had locked himself in his room and only left it when he needed to use the toilet or have a glass of water and when the Order of the Phoenix was called for a meeting, Remus reluctantly left his room.

He had nightmares every night, and they were all about Sirius. Voldemort was always there, laughing at him, witnessing Sirius falling through the veil over and over again each night. No matter how many times he had this dream, it hurt more each time.

The nights they spent with each other, the jokes they had and those little fights they had over nothing; it would never happen again. Never. Lupin was sure that he would never find another person like Sirius.

I don't wanna close my eyes,

I don't wanna fall asleep,

'Cause I'd miss you babe,

And I don't wanna miss a thing,

'Cause even when I dream of you,

The sweetest dream would never do,

I'd still miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing.

Remus had mountains of pictures that included the other Marauders and Lily Evans. He buried his face in his hands. All of his friends...they were all dead. Well, not Peter, but he was as good as dead to Remus anyway. At that moment, he was holding a moving picture of himself and Sirius, aged seventeen, looking at each other with the warm love and affection a madly in love couple had for each other. Remus began crying with the stabbing pains in his heart; it felt as though a knife was ruthlessly cutting a hole through it. A hole which only Sirius could fill.

Lying close to you,

Feeling your heart beating,

And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,

Wondering if it's me you're seeing,

Then I kiss your eyes,

And thank God we're together,

I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever,

Forever and ever.

There was one memory in particular that was driving Remus' mind mad, forcing him to remember it; the sweet memory of the first time Sirius and himself shared their first kiss together. He could remember every movement, every feeling and every word.

It was in their sixth year at Hogwarts and they were in the common room, doing homework. They were alone; all they could hear was the fire cracking pleasantly. Remus was sitting beside Sirius helping him with his Defence against the Dark Arts homework; Remus was pointing out that it was all quite simple. However, Sirius fixed Remus with a stare, not really noticing what was going on. Remus looked up and said, "Sirius, are you listening?"

Sirius' chestnut eyes were glittering and he was softly smiling. Remus suddenly noticed how close they were and gulped. His stomach seemed to be exploding with butterflies and his eyes grew blurry with joy. "Remus," Sirius growled softy, leaning closer to him, "Can...Can I kiss you?"

"Pardon?" Remus asked, reassuring himself that Sirius hadn't just said what he thought he'd said.

"Can...Can I-," Sirius couldn't get the words out. Remus, however, was suddenly shocked to find that he desperately wanted to kiss Sirius, his best friend. Instead of blushing, Remus placed a hand on Sirius' cheek. He, Sirius, looked quite surprised at first as Remus softly rubbed his thumb on his cheek, but then Sirius smiled as dreamy as his friend did. Slowly, Remus leaned closer and gently kissed Sirius on the lips as lightly as a butterfly would. It was the most blissful moment of Remus' life.

I don't wanna close my eyes,

I don't wanna fall asleep,

'Cause I'd miss you babe,

And I don't wanna miss a thing,

'Cause even when I dream of you,

The sweetest dream would never do,

I'd still miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing.

"Why?" Remus was asking himself whilst running his fingers through his greying hair, even more tears falling to the ground. "Why did you leave me Sirius? I loved you. I still do." The hole in his heart was ever growing and Remus' need for Sirius was growing along with it. "YOU LEFT ME, YOU BASTARD! I HATE YOU!" Remus burst out so suddenly that he shocked even himself. After truly realising what he'd said he felt like casting an unforgivable curse on himself. "No, no I don't. I mean.....Oh God! Sirius..."

I don't wanna miss one smile,

I don't wanna miss one kiss,

I just wanna be with you,

Right here with you, just like this.

I just wanna hold you close,

And feel your heart so close to mine,

And just stay here in this moment,

For all the rest of time

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah YEAH!

Lupin thought that he was going to slip into madness. How would anyone cope with a loss of a love that was so true and so right? Remus certainly knew he couldn't. Sirius was there when Remus wasn't brave; he was Moony's Guardian angel. He felt as though he had lost his soul and mind. Nothing was going to help him now. Not the brave words of everyone close to him or the Order constantly saying 'It was going to be okay' whilst trying to believe it themselves.

Remus looked at himself in the mirror. He was horrible, ugly, and useless. What was the point of living without Sirius? He had the sudden urge to smash the mirror into tiny pieces. He couldn't bear it; Sirius was gone. His urge took over him and blood dripped onto the floor. Seven years of bad luck, Remus. But Remus couldn't care less; living in a world without Sirius, he didn't care if he was to have seven or seventeen years of bad luck

I don't wanna close my eyes,

I don't wanna fall asleep,

'Cause I'd miss you babe,

And I don't wanna miss a thing,

'Cause even when I dream of you,

The sweetest dream would never do,

I'd still miss you baby,

And I don't wanna miss a thing.

------ Flash Back ------

"Remus," Sirius said. It was the beginning of Harry's fifth year and Sirius and Remus were at Twelve Grimmauld Place lying underneath the covers in Sirius' bedroom. Remus was lying on Sirius' chest and holding him close, listening to his lover's smooth heartbeat; he felt as though he was in heaven, "If anything happened to you, I wouldn't be able to live on."

"Me too, Sirius," Remus replied, holding Sirius' hand and squeezing it slightly, "me too."

"But you have to promise me something," Sirius said, looking very serious indeed, even for him.

"Okay," Remus said, raising a brow and lifting his head slightly so he could look at Sirius.

"Promise me, if I do die, promise me that you won't do anything crazy," Sirius had a tear growing in his almond eyes, "because I will always love you, even when I'm not here. Look me in the eye and promise me that."

Remus looked deeply into his lover's eyes "I promise, Padfoot," With that, they kissed passionately, as they had done twenty years ago, underneath the stars and half moon, as the night passed silently, like a mouse.