Rating:
PG
House:
The Dark Arts
Ships:
Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Malfoy
Characters:
Lucius Malfoy Narcissa Malfoy
Genres:
Angst Romance
Era:
Unspecified Era
Stats:
Published: 07/03/2008
Updated: 07/03/2008
Words: 1,365
Chapters: 1
Hits: 338

All I Want for Christmas

levamentum

Story Summary:
Some mistakes are soon forgiven while some can never be.

Chapter 01

Posted:
07/03/2008
Hits:
338


"I've asked the house elves to make the guestroom in the east wing ready. You can stay there tonight."

Lucius' voice was empty and cold. Narcissa nodded, looking down at the floor.

"Perhaps I can get some clothes before I go to bed?" she said, her eyes still on the red carpet she was standing on.

"Go right ahead," Lucius answered in that same voice. "I'll be in the library."

Narcissa sighed deeply and started on her walk towards the bedroom they had shared for so many years. Mistletoe was hanging over doorways here and there, and the house eves had gotten pretty far with the Christmas lights as well. Had this been any other year she would have been excitedly watching over their work, fretting about whether or not everything would be done before Draco's arrival in two days.

The house elves noticed her arrival to the place where they were currently struggling to get the Christmas curtains to hang right, and stressed even more because they knew she would usually be harsh with them if they messed up. She paid them no attention now, however, merely continued her slow walk towards the bedroom.

She didn't really know what to take. She had taken out a few robes, and was wondering if she should take her new Christmas dress robes as well. After all, she didn't know how long she'd be sleeping in the guestroom. Then again, she doubted Lucius would forbid her to go back and get it for Christmas. She threw the robe on the bed, and sank down in the nearest chair, her face buried in her hands.

"Why did you do it?" a voice spoke from the doorframe.

She looked up and saw Lucius stand there. His hair was in disarray, as though he'd been running his hands through it in distress and he looked at her with a lost and sad expression.

"How could you sleep with someone else?"

Her eyes widened.

"No, no, Lucius. Not sleep with someone, I would never have. That's not what I meant."

She got up and quickly walked over to him, trying to take his hand in hers, but he pulled it out of her grasp.

"How could I know what you meant?" he said angrily. "'I have been unfaithful,' you said. How was I supposed to take that?"

"Oh, no, my dearest Lucius," she said with an almost desperate voice. "I could never have done that, you know I could never have."

"I thought I did," Lucius murmured, before shaking his head and sighing. "What did you do? I want to know."

She hadn't had the chance to explain anything to him before. She had said her line, the one that had plagued her for over a week, and he had reacted exactly as she had feared. He didn't want an excuse or explanation; he didn't wish to hear her story, and she had known that she didn't deserve to be allowed to offer explanations so she had not fought him. It had almost been a bliss not having to disclose more of her betrayal, not having to see his eyes as she confirmed his fears, not see his disappointment in her, disappointment and distaste. And now he was asking her after all, and although she could contradict what he thought was his worst fear, she still knew she would hurt him with what she had to say. He probably knew as well, because his enthusiasm for the discovery that she had not slept with someone was controlled to say the least. He seemed to be expecting to be let down.

"I kissed him," Narcissa said quickly, feeling as though she was lying, because it had been more than a kiss and she and Lucius both knew it.

"Elmquist?" Lucius asked dryly, knowing the answer already.

"Yes," she answered.

Lucius didn't speak further, but looked at her like he knew there was more to tell, urging her on with her story knowing he wouldn't like what she had to tell him.

"I was dumb. I was wrong... I let you down," she said. Tears were threatening to come forward, but she blinked to hold them back.

"Yes," he merely replied, giving her no relief or forgiveness yet.

"He walked up and kissed me and I let him. I welcomed it." She gave a sigh as though she was only admitting this to herself first now, and continued, "I urged him on."

Lucius was still standing in the doorway, leaning on it in an almost casual matter, but Narcissa could see how tense his whole body was. She walked over to the bed and sat down.

"I have not only been unfaithful to you physically, but in my heart as well."

Lucius eyes closed tightly, and his expression was pained. When he opened his eyes he was not looking at her, but staring blankly somewhere around the open wardrobe.

"Do you love him?"

"I thought I did."

She was looking straight at him even though he did not want to meet her eyes.

"Do you love him?" he repeated, his voice shaky now.

"I don't know," she answered honestly, "but I know how I feel about you now."

To her this was important, it meant something good, and she was sure Lucius knew that she meant it as a positive thing, but it had pushed him over the edge.

"And you didn't know that before?" he exploded, finally directing himself straight towards her. "You've been married to me for all this time, never knowing how you felt about me?"

In one way Narcissa felt better about this approach. Sitting across from a cold hard and emotionless Lucius had been horrible, and it comforted her slightly to see how much he really cared. She knew others were used to seeing the cool and calculating Lucius Malfoy, but that had never been who he had been at home. On the other hand, however, she was horrified at how he was taking her statement, because he was twisting something she had meant so well into something that was all wrong.

"No," she cried, "don't twist it."

"That's a perfectly understandable way of interpreting what you said." His eyes were hard and his mouth small.

"I didn't mean it like that."

She couldn't take his angry eyes set on her any more and averted her gaze.

"Things had faded between us. You know this," she said, and despite her claim that he knew it she could tell that the statement hurt him. "I was scared it was over. I was attracted to the thrill of something new. I thought I might love him, thought I desired him more than I desire you... that I wanted him more than I wanted you."

The anger had faded from Lucius' face, and instead she could see his eyes becoming glossy. She hurried to finish, hurried to relieve him, hoping to at least ease the pain a little.

"But this thing, this..." she searched for a better word, "this mistake, if it has done nothing else at least it has showed me that I could never love anyone more than I love you."

She sighed knowing she couldn't explain away anything, knowing she might never be forgiven. Still, she continued because he needed to know this.

"I might not know how I feel about him, but I know that whatever it is, it's nothing compared to what I feel for you."

Lucius didn't answer her. She didn't know what he could have said at that moment. Feeling as though everything was said now, she got up and started gathering together he clothes again.

"I'll only be a minute," she said to the broken man in the doorway.

"Leave it," his voice came, unsteady.

She looked up with hopeful eyes. Her eyes were not met, he was staring in the opposite direction again, but she found support for her hope in his posture and expression.

"The house elves are too busy with the decorations to have time to prepare you a room anyway," he said.

A small, thankful smile spread on her lips as he turned his back on her and left.