Jigsaw

I sent you an owl tonight.

The last chance I had, the only chance, looking around the bedroom frantically for something, anything, that would help, because I couldn't think clearly, couldn't breathe, because they were coming after me, and all I could do was run.

I sent you an owl tonight. You didn't reply. You never do.

And that's why I'm here, crouched in a copse in the dark, wishing it was raining. It was raining earlier on; the leaves I'm sitting on smell fresh and new, the way everything does after the rain. I can smell them now, so clearly it hurts, and I'm dragging the smell, the taste, into my mouth because I want to experience all of it, now, while there's still time, and I'm so fucking scared, because I don't want to die. Not here, not now. Not ever, but especially not here and not now.

I sent you an owl tonight. I wonder if you even read it.

You never looked back, did you? Never thought about what you were leaving behind, never thought about me, and how the hell would I feel, what does it feel like, when you wake up and find your big brother, your adored big brother, the one you always wanted to be, is gone, and now there's nothing, only an empty bedroom and a burn mark on a tapestry?

You never forgave me for not being in Gryffindor. But I'm not like you, I never found it easy to be brave, and you could have helped, Sirius, you could have fucking helped...

... because if you didn't there wasn't anybody else, and I thought you would know that; because even if we don't speak, even if you don't owl, maybe don't even read the owls I send you, even if you look the other way whenever I see you in Diagon Alley, we're still brothers, still family. And I thought that might mean something to you.

Together. That would have meant something, wouldn't it, Sirius? That would have been worth fighting for.

I sent you an owl tonight. You were my last chance. But you would have been here by now, if you were coming. And I've waited too long, far too long, left it too late, and I'm only realising now how much I wanted you to be here, and everything is so clear, like when you're doing a jigsaw, and suddenly, two or three pieces before the end, you suddenly see how it all fits together and what the picture's meant to be. But the picture hasn't changed. Nothing's changed. It's just that you never saw it before -

Lights. Lights and voices. She's here.

There are others behind her, four or five. They could be my friends. Their hoods are up and they're wearing masks. Their eyes gleam in the darkness. She walks towards me and looks down.

And I'm staring up at her, into her eyes, unable to move or speak, and part of me is watching it all, thinking: so this is how the rabbit feels when it finally sees the snake, this is what it means to be paralysed with fear.

I can't take my eyes from her face.

'Regulus,' she says. 'Come to Mummy.' I've seen that light in her eyes before, but never when she was looking at me.

'Accio wand,' Bellatrix says, and suddenly my hand is empty...

... and I'm left holding nothing at all.