The Diary Entry of Blaise Zabini

Dear Diary,

I am troubled. I know it is very un-Slytherin to think about things like the things that are on my mind, but I shall anyways. I was asked this question by a very confused Hufflepuff, How do you make-up for disobedience, if you cannot trust yourself? I of course told them off for asking a Slytherin such an idiotic question, but it got a train of thoughts going.

I want to go to Italy, but so far I am not going anywhere. I have not been doing the things asked of me, and I haven't been keeping up with my school work. I don't know how to make myself want what Mother wants me to want, and what Mother, herself, wants. I want to be able to roam and be free, and be me. I think why Mother and I can't relate is, because she's a Capricorn and I am a Sagittarius (Yes, even if Trelawney IS a false Diviner, doesn't mean that I am). She likes to work. Well, that may be a little extreme, but she knows how to push herself to work. I will say I work 'cause I wanna, but I don't. So if there is the tinniest rock in my path, I feel I can go back. As much as I love having good marks, I feel my time can be spent on other things. Other things such as writing. Sometimes I wish I were more like Moon or Parkinson (she's very studious unlike what people think). I also think that Millicent is a bad influence on me. Personally, I was hoping I could move FAR away from this place, and be like the Blaise I was. The only part that sucks is the fact that I used to feel so lonely. For ALL of my short life I have been surrounded by people, but I would feel SO lonely when there was no one to talk to. That's why I talk to myself so often. It's the only way I can unload my problems to someone/thing that will react the way I want them to. I mean, a blank book can only do so much.

Sometimes I wish there was somebody who had NOTHING to do with my life. That way I can talk to them, but not have it affect my dilemma, or having them be biased the way most people in this castle are.

At times, I wonder how I was even happy being Bookworm-Blaise. But then I realize that when I was Bookworm-Blaise, life was so much easier to deal with. I did my work, turned it in, smiled a lot, and brought home the marks. Maybe a ton of adults wish they were my age, because "life was so much easier", but they don't realize that it really isn't.

I'm ashamed of having Millicent as a friend. I know you shouldn't be angry at people, because of the way they are, but I AM. That's why I wish Tricia were here. I've been to her house (and it was clean), she kept up with her fashions AND her schoolwork, her parents were nice and I've actually seen BOTH of the, she was cultured (not ill-mannered and graceless), and she was one of my close friends. I also wasn't ashamed of her weight. Yes, I am embarrassed, because of Millicent's weight. I know you're not supposed to be, but I am. She says she has something wrong with the way her body reacts to food. She says she can gain weight REALLY fast, but she can also LOSE weight really fast. I think that's an excuse. If she CAN lose weight really fast, why hasn't she? I've seen pictures from her Primary School years (before Hogwarts), and she was large THEN. I feel that people who are fat don't feed THEMSELVES properly, or they weren't fed properly by other people.

The reason why I haven't said anything is, because I would feel like SUCH a HORRIBLE person to say these things. Sometimes I want to move; because I don't want to be friends with the "bestfriend" I've chosen, but I can't choose another one because that all happened (or was supposed to) in first year. Sometimes I wonder why I feel alone, and I think of all the people I'm surrounded by...

I have just run out of people. I wish I had a pensive. That way, I could put ALL of my thoughts into it. I'm tired. I wish I had a little dimension where I could disappear between the seconds on Earth.

I realize that most of these thoughts are VERY un-Slytherin, so I would appreciate it if you kept them to yourself. Whoever you are, reading this, for I know that some little sneak is going to read my diary. I AM in Slytherin, after all.

Truthfully,

Blaise Zabini

Slytherin Student

Hogwarts