Searching for a Savior

What He's Searching For

The ride back to the Burrow was entirely different from the ride to London. Nobody spoke much and they kept glancing at me. I pretended not to notice.

We'd gone into the pub and I'd stared around. It was absolutely gorgeous. It looked like it had been around since the beginning of time. It was dark and a little shabby, like most older pubs tend to be. There was a large fire place with a fire crackling merrily. A few suits of armour lined the walls as well as ancient looking pictures. I wanted to look closer at them, but Remus steered me toward the bar. There were a few people in there already.

We'd pushed a few tables together and the bartender came over to take our order. He'd trembled when taking Sirius' order. It seemed that everyone had been in there a couple times before, as they knew the bartender's name, Tom, and he knew theirs.

We hadn't stayed long. Sirius had announced when we finished eating that he would like to go back to the Burrow, and nobody had argued. He was looking a bit tired. We all remembered that he was still recovering.

I sighed as I leaned against the window. What had I said that they were all acting so strange toward me? Even Remus kept sending sidelong glances my way.

By the time we reached the Burrow, I was feeling annoyed with the others and I was very concerned about Sirius. He looked ready to collapse. Remus noticed this too and shot an anxious glance my way. We moved up beside Sirius, ready to catch him if he fell. He sent a look of annoyance at the two of us, but didn't say anything. As soon as we were inside, he collapsed into the overstuffed armchair beside the tree. Crookshanks leapt into his lap and started purring.

Molly had dinner on the table already when we walked in the house. Arthur, Bill, Charlie and the twins were sitting down to eat. Arthur glanced at Sirius in alarm.

"Is he alright?" he asked Remus.

"He just overdid it a bit today. This is really the first time he's been on his feet in months." Remus sighed. "It's my fault, really. I should have thought of that."

"Knock it off, Remus," came Sirius' voice. His eyes were closed and his head was on the back of the chair. He apparently was still awake and listening. "I'm the same age as you are, therefore I am old enough to look after myself."

"Are any of you hungry?" Molly asked. I shook my head.

"I could eat," Harry said with a grin.

"Me too," said Ron.

"Where did you go for dinner?" Arthur asked conversationally as Ron and Harry joined the others at the table.

"A little pub in London," I answered, as everyone glanced my way again. It was really starting to get on my nerves. "The bartender seemed to know everyone, so maybe you know it. The Leaky Cauldron?"

Bill dropped his fork and stared at me as well. Arthur blinked in surprise.

"You went there? That's...interesting," he said slowly.

"Okay," I said finally, sitting down in the chair beside Harry. "What is the big deal about the Leaky Cauldron? Why does everyone keep giving me strange looks?"

Arthur and Remus exchanged a look. The others just concentrated on their plates.

"We were just surprised that you chose that place to go to, is all," came Hermione's voice from behind us. I turned to look at her. "Most...well...tourists wouldn't even notice it. Yet you noticed it and you wanted to go there. Some people even think it's sort of shady."

"Shady?"

"Um...disreputable. Not such a nice place."

I laughed. "I know what shady means. I just didn't know why you'd apply it to the Leaky Cauldron. It looked like a perfectly normal little pub. A little old, perhaps."

Hermione smiled at me. "Well, like I said, we were just surprised that you chose that particular place."

I didn't see everyone exchanging relieved looks behind me. I smiled back at Hermione.

"I like neat little places like that," I told her. "I always have."

I stood up from the table and went into the living room with Hermione and Ginny. Sirius had fallen asleep, Crookshanks still in his lap.

"I wanted to apologise for last night," Hermione said as soon as I sat down beside them. "We didn't mean to put you on the spot like that."

Ginny nodded. "We really didn't mean for Sirius and Remus to overhear either!"

I laughed. "That's alright. I didn't really mind, until Sirius started getting louder and louder!"

I glanced over at him to make sure he was still sleeping.

"I'm not so sure he likes me," I confided to the two young women.

"He does," Hermione assured me. "But he's been through a lot in the last two years. Well, in the last fifteen years, really. He's still not himself. He likes you. He may, however, be having a hard time trusting you."

"Trust us," Ginny said quietly. "You make Remus happy. For that alone, Sirius adores you. Remus hasn't had a lot of happiness in his life."

"I know it shouldn't bother me," I said quickly. "But I don't want to cause problems between Sirius and Remus. Remus has known Sirius forever. He hasn't known me that long."

Hermione smiled at me. "You won't cause problems."

Sirius groaned as he shifted in the chair. I heard Crookshanks begin to purr again.

After a while, people started drifting in from the kitchen. Harry and Ron nearly had to drag themselves away from the table, they had eaten so much.

"It serves you right, you git," Ginny sniped at Harry. He grinned feebly at her.

"You too," Hermione told Ron with a grin. He pouted at her and sat down on the floor.

Remus slid in beside me. He watched Sirius with concern for a bit before turning his attention to me.

"Hi," he said softly, sliding his arms around me.

"Hi," I answered, leaning back against him. "Enjoy your second dinner?"

He groaned. "I didn't really eat. I talked to Arthur. I picked a little bit at some puddings, but other than that, I didn't eat."

I grinned at him, but said nothing. He glanced toward Sirius again.

"I should wake him up."

"Is he alright?" I asked.

"I don't know. I didn't even think about him not being able to spend the day walking. I suppose I should have, because he hasn't really done too much physical since he got out of the hospital. At school, he'd be teaching, but he'd be sitting in the chair. Well, Sirius would probably be sitting on the desk."

I laughed softly as Remus got to his feet. He sighed as he started toward Sirius. "He's probably going to complain that I woke him up."

I noticed his hand slip into his pocket as he reached Sirius. He cautiously gave Sirius' shoulder a shake.

"Sirius," he said quietly. "Wake up."

Sirius didn't move, continued to sleep. Remus shook him again. Sirius jerked awake, his eyes wide and panicked. He plunged his hand into his pocket and pulled out a scrap of wood much like the one Remus had in his suitcase. He pointed it straight at Remus. Then he seemed to wake up.

"Remus? What the hell are you doing?" He looked at the thing in his hand and gave a gasp. He looked my way and quickly pocketed it. "Damn. Did I do anything?"

Remus shook his head.

"Sorry, Padfoot. I didn't mean to startle you. I just thought you should wake up."

Sirius groaned as he rubbed his eyes. "Thanks Moony." He muttered something to Remus under his breath. Remus nodded and answered in the same low tone. I sighed as I brought my knees up to my chest.

"You look tired," Molly commented as she joined me on the couch.

"I am, a bit," I answered truthfully. "All that walking today. Plus the change in time zones is wreaking havoc on me."

Molly nodded sympathetically. "I can imagine. I've never been overseas myself, but everyone says the time change is hard." She sat there quietly for a few minutes and then stood again. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to head to bed myself."

I glanced at the clock as she went past it. I couldn't believe it when I noticed that the time was ten thirty. No wonder I was feeling a bit tired.

I glanced over at Remus. He and Sirius were in the middle of a discussion. I had no idea where Arthur, Bill, Charlie and Fred and George had disappeared to. Harry and Ron were again playing chess, the girls watching. I watched for a while, not really able to see the board. Ginny was laughing at a move somebody had just made. My eyes drifted back to Sirius and Remus. They were speaking a little louder. I could hear bits of their conversation.

"I don't understand it either, Padfoot," Remus was saying. "How was it visible?"

I didn't hear all of Sirius' response. I just heard him say what sounded like "Must be a witch. There's something..."

Remus shook his head. "You've said. But we'd know if that were the case. Wouldn't we?"

Sirius shook his head as well. "I don't know, Moony." He glanced my way. I grinned sheepishly. "Can't keep your eyes off him, eh?"

I flushed as Remus took a swipe at Sirius.

"Actually," I said quietly. "I was just waiting until you two had finished talking to interrupt. I'm heading to bed, Remus."

Remus nodded as I stood. He said good night to Sirius and was at my side before I could reach the staircase.

"You didn't need to stop talking," I told him. "I'm alright."

He smiled at me. "I'm actually ready for bed as well."

We reached Charlie's room. I changed quickly and slipped under the covers. Remus slid in next to me. The bed was small, but that was okay. He rested his hand on my hip and looked down at me.

"Is Sirius feeling better now?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Much better. I nearly gave him a heart attack when I woke him though."
"What was that thing in his hand? That he pulled out of his pocket?"

Remus grinned. "His magic wand, remember?"

I laughed, remembering that I'd called the thing Remus had his magic wand.

"So you think that he doesn't like you?" Remus' fingers slipped under the front of my shirt and he started drawing circles on my stomach.

"Well," I said, wondering how he knew I had said that. Ginny and Hermione wouldn't have told him, I was sure about that. "I get that feeling."

Remus grinned at me as he continued to trace circles on my stomach. "You needn't worry. He does like you."
"That's what Hermione said," I replied, very aware of his hand. "She said that I make you happy, so that makes Sirius happy."

"She said that, did she?" Remus smiled. "She's a smart girl, that one."

"I like her," I said. "And Ginny. Ginny's feisty."

"You have no idea," Remus told me, leaning over me to blow out the candles. He slipped his arm over my hip and snuggled against my back. "Good night, Jules."

"Good night, Remus."

I woke early on Christmas morning. I always have, ever since I was very little. I would get up and creep down to the kitchen, wanting to see if Santa Clause had taken the milk and cookies. I would always find Nannie waiting in the kitchen for me, making pancakes for breakfast, no matter how early I got up. We'd eat, and then we'd open presents. In the four years since Nannie had died, Christmas was always the hardest day. I missed her so much on Christmas.

Remus was still sleeping. I glanced at my watch. It was still only just six am. I slipped out from under his arm and dressed quickly, moving down the stairs slowly, trying to be as silent as possible.

I smiled as I entered the living room. The tree was twinkling merrily in the corner. Nobody else appeared to be up yet. I moved to stand in front of the tree and had to stifle a gasp when a large black dog stood suddenly. I didn't move as he appraised me silently. I breathed again when his tail started to wag. I sat on the floor and he moved over to me, curling up beside me and resting his head in my lap. I scratched his ears absently.

I sat there silently for a while, just watching the lights on the tree. I thought about my grandmother and I thought about Remus. I started to talk out loud to myself without realising it.

"Merry Christmas, Nannie. I miss you," I whispered. The dog gave a soft whimper. I glanced down at him and his tail wagged once. Then he jumped to his feet and ran up the stairs. A moment later, Sirius crept down the stairs, much like I had done. He stopped when he saw me.

"You're up early," he observed quietly. "Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas to you as well," I responded. Sirius came over and slowly dropped down beside me.

"I think I might be getting too old to sit on the floor," he said with a groan. I grinned at him. "Did you sleep well?"
"I did actually. And I feel much better this morning than I did yesterday morning." I looked at him. "How do you feel?"

"I'm a little stiff. I think I over did it a little yesterday." He frowned. "It's hard to remember that I'm not in great shape right now. I've never been one to sit inside."

I nodded. He looked up at the tree.

"I get the impression that you don't like me," he said quietly, not looking at me. I stared at him.

"I don't understand how," I said slowly. I laughed a little. "But I get the same impression about you."

He did look at me then. His eyes were twinkling.

"I'm sorry that I gave you that impression," he said seriously. "Harry tells me that I seem standoffish." He sighed. "I do like you, Julianne."
"Good," I responded. "Because I like you as well. But I didn't think you liked me...and I didn't want to cause any problems between you and Remus."

Sirius smiled, his eyes sad. "I know you don't know what Remus is like when you're not around, but trust me when I say that you bring out the best in him. Remus was hurt very badly when he was younger and he doesn't really allow people to get too close. It changed his entire life. I've known Remus for close to my whole life. He doesn't trust easily, and when he does trust somebody, he trusts them completely." He turned and looked straight into my eyes. "You have his trust."

I nodded.

"I, however, take even longer to trust than Remus does. And I will be completely honest with you. I didn't trust you. I don't want to see Remus hurt. He is a good man, and he puts up with a lot."

I wasn't sure what to say. He had said that he didn't trust me, past tense.

"So has your opinion toward me changed?"

He didn't answer me straight away. He turned his gaze back to the tree.

"I won't lie to you, Jules. I do trust you to an extent. I'm just not sure to what extent."

I nodded again. I could deal with that. Sirius groaned again as he got to his feet.

"I'm going to go make some coffee. Would you like a cup?"

"No thank you," I answered. He left me staring at the tree. I heard someone else coming down the stairs. I turned and watched Remus enter the living room slowly. He stopped when he saw me, just like Sirius had done.

"There you are," he said quietly. "I wondered where you had gone. Happy Christmas."

I grinned sheepishly. "Merry Christmas. I always get up early on Christmas morning. I have all my life."

"You should have woke me," he said, settling down on the floor beside me. He pulled me into his lap. I turned my head so I could look up into his eyes. "I would have kept you company."

"Actually, I wanted to be alone for a while. There was a huge black dog here, but I don't know what happened to him. He seemed friendly enough. I was scratching his ears when he must have heard Sirius get up and I haven't seen him since Sirius came downstairs."

Remus didn't say anything about that, just smiled to himself.

"Where is Sirius?"

I nodded toward the kitchen. "He's braving Molly's kitchen."

Remus laughed as Sirius entered, carrying two cups of coffee.

"Happy Christmas, Moony," he said quietly. He set a cup down in front of Remus as he joined us on the floor. "I could hear you come down and I knew you'd want your morning cup of black death."

Remus chuckled as he picked up the cup and took a sip. "Happy Christmas, Padfoot."

I longed to ask what those nicknames meant, but I didn't dare. More people were stirring upstairs and had started down the stairs. Harry, Ron and Hermione came down at the same time, Ginny not long after. Finally Arthur and Molly joined us.

"Why on earth are the three of you sitting on the floor?" Molly asked as she entered the room.

"That's a good question, Molly," Remus answered, looking down at me. "I got up and Jules was on the floor, so I sat with her. Why are you sitting on the floor?"

I laughed. "No reason, I just came down and your dog was here, so I sat on the floor to pet him. I just haven't gotten up again."

Arthur looked puzzled. "Our dog?"

"The big black dog?"

I heard a choking sound to my right. I turned and saw that Harry was choking on his coffee.

"Hot," he explained. "Burnt my tongue."

"We don't own a dog, dear," Molly said slowly.

"But he was here..." I didn't know what to think.

"Oh, I believe that he was here." For some reason she glared at Sirius as she said this. He grinned sheepishly at her. "Sirius has a thing about letting stray animals into the house."

"Molly, it's Christmas." Sirius grinned at her and she smiled back.

"Well, what should we do first?" Molly asked quietly. "Open presents, or should we wait for your brothers and have breakfast first?"

I could see that the younger group wanted to open presents, but we opted to wait for the rest of the family to join us. Molly whipped up pancakes and we sat down to eat. Just as we were finishing, Bill, Fred and George came through the door.

"Happy Christmas!" They all chorused.

"Happy Christmas," we answered. Fred and George sat down and helped themselves to breakfast. Bill took several parcels into the tree.

"Don't worry, you two, I'll put your presents here!" he hollered at the twins.

"'Hanks!" Fred and George bellowed back, their mouths stuffed full. I snorted into my glass of pumpkin juice, trying not to let them see me laughing.

Charlie arrived not long after. He too went into the living room to put some presents under the tree, then joined the rest of us at the table. I sat back and listened to everyone chat. I was too full to even speak.

"Okay," Arthur said. "Presents."

We all filed into the living room. Soon the air was full of the sound of ripping paper and exclamations of "Wow, thanks!"

I was not forgotten. Molly had hand knitted me a violet sweater, from her and Arthur, with what appeared to be a peacock on it. It was wonderfully warm and comfortable. I slipped it over my head as soon as I unwrapped it. Also inside the wrapper had been several different sorts of homemade sweets. I thanked her over and over again.

Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny had gotten me a set of fantasy books. They were bound in leather and written on parchment. I was almost afraid to open them, they were absolutely gorgeous to even look at.

I picked up the gift from Sirius last. It was a very small package. I glanced at him as I opened it. Inside was a small jewellery box. I flipped it open.

"Oh my," Ginny said, peering over my shoulder. "That is gorgeous."

I carefully removed the thin gold chain from the box. The charm at the bottom was a tiny unicorn. I glanced at Sirius again and found him watching me.

"Thank you," I said breathlessly. "How...?"
"Remus told me that you adored unicorns. I saw this and thought you might like it."

I nodded, speechless. "I love it. Thank you so much."

Remus gave my hand a squeeze. I was showing the necklace to Hermione and Molly, and didn't see the questioning look he sent Sirius' way. I also didn't see Sirius nod.

*

By the time Sunday rolled around, I was entering a deep state of depression. I didn't want to leave England so soon. I wanted Remus to stay with his friends, and I wanted to stay with him.

It must have showed on my face at breakfast, because everyone asked if I was feeling alright.

"I wish you could stay, Jules," Ginny said quietly, her eyes sad. "We're going to miss you."

Hermione nodded her agreement. I smiled, unable to speak. It felt good that these people that I'd just met actually wanted me to stay.

I could tell that Remus wished he could stay as well. His face was pale and he looked very tired. He didn't say too much all morning.

Our flight didn't leave until six, but because it was an overseas flight, I thought we should be at the airport early. Remus didn't argue or agree. He just shrugged. It didn't take me long to pack our things, even with the additional luggage we needed.

Sirius came up to me before we were to leave and pulled me aside.

"It was nice meeting you, Julianne," he said quietly. "I have a request before you go. Tell Remus that he has to hurry. Tell him that he must find what he's searching for. Tell him every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed."

I stared at Sirius in shock. He was so serious that I didn't know what to say.

"What-?"

"Tell him that our lives depend on it. Please Julianne. We need him to hurry."

"But what is he searching for?" I asked.

"I can't tell you, mainly because I don't really know myself. I just know that it is very important."

I sighed.

"Jules," Sirius said, looking deep into my eyes. "I'm trusting you to do this. Please."

I didn't know what to say. I merely nodded.

"I promise I'll keep on him to find what he is looking for."

Sirius gave me a hug. I looked up at him when he released me.

"I'm happy that you make Remus happy. It's good to see him happy."

I nodded, still not sure what to say. Sirius went to say goodbye to Remus and I went to say goodbye to everyone else. It broke my heart to say goodbye, not knowing when, or if at all, I would ever see any of them again.

The ride to the airport was quiet. Remus told Sirius that he would return the car for him, so nobody came with us. I waved until I couldn't see the Burrow anymore. Then I burst into tears.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked, surprised.

I laughed through my tears. "I don't want to go home," I said, starting to giggle. "I love it here. Let's just stay, Remus." Then I remembered Sirius. "Oh, wait, no you can't. You have to find what you're searching for."

Remus took my hand and kissed the back of it. "I promise we'll come back as soon as I find what I need." He smiled at me. "That is, if you want to come back with me."

I didn't hesitate in my answer. I nodded and said, "I want to come back with you. I adore all of your friends."
"Good," Remus said with a grin. "They adore you as well." He turned back to the road, his eyes thoughtful and we didn't speak for a while.

I managed to stay awake for most of the flight home, but I fell asleep on the ride to the hotel. I groaned when Remus shook me awake.

"We're here. It's time to go to bed."
I chuckled. "I won't need to now. I had a power nap."

"You will still need to sleep, trust me. Come on," he said as he got out of the truck. I sighed and stumbled to the back of the truck. I grabbed my things out of the box before he could say anything. He pretended to pout at me so I stuck my tongue out at him. He took my hand as we entered the hotel. I sighed and rested my head against his chest as we waited for the man at the desk to help us. I was so tired.

"Thank you," I heard Remus say. I jerked my eyes open. I'd been about to fall asleep, standing right there! "Come on, Jules." He took my hand again and led me to the elevators.

I stared blankly at the elevator doors as we went up. Remus led me to the room and told me that he had to phone Sirius, to let him know we'd made it. I nodded and slipped into the bed. I didn't even bother changing.

I kept my promise to Sirius. Every day and every night I would tell Remus what Sirius had said to me. Hurry up. I knew Remus was getting a little frustrated with me nagging him like that, but he knew why I was doing it.

He didn't take a week off in January or February like he'd been doing every other month. He was sick again though, at the beginning of each month. I knew he was as soon as he woke up. He was edgy and pale. He disappeared just after dinner and didn't return till morning. However, in February, he took the day after his disappearance off. He was just feeling too awful to drive that day.

I spent the day in bed next to him. Whatever made him sick wasn't contagious, so I wasn't at any risk of catching it. Plus he seemed to take comfort in the knowledge that I was there. I woke after lunchtime and ordered some soup for him, hoping that would help. Or at least warm him up, because he'd been shivering since he'd gotten back.

He was groggy when I woke him, but he ate some soup and it did seem to warm him up. He seemed to be feeling better after he ate because he didn't go right back to sleep. We sat there talking for a while. Remus was still shivering a little so I turned the heater up.

"You look warm," Remus said to me.

"I should," I responded. "That's the point of wearing a sweater."
I was wearing the sweater Molly had knitted for me and the grey sweatpants Remus had given me. I was warm. In fact, I was starting to overheat.

"I meant that you look like you're hot. Why don't you take the sweater off?"

I grinned at him. "You just want to see me naked."

He pretended to leer at me. "Well, yes."

I laughed. I took a t-shirt out of my suitcase and slid my sweater up slowly, pretending to do a striptease for Remus. He wolf whistled at me. I laughed at him and pulled the sweater over my head, tossing it at him.

"What's that?" Remus asked. I glanced at him, then to where he was pointing. The spattering of freckles on the left side of my ribcage. Remus had his head tilted a little and his eyes were narrowed as he studied it. For some reason his face had gone even more pale than it already had been.

I laughed. I'd always been so embarrassed about that. It was so ugly. Even Noah had never seen them.

"Freckles," I said with a self conscious laugh. "My Nannie used to tell me that it looked like a peacock."

Remus frowned as he picked up my sweater. He turned it so he could see the picture on the front. He compared it to my freckles.

"It doesn't look like a peacock," he said softly. "It looks like a phoenix."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Is that what that is? I thought it was a peacock too."

He nodded. His face seemed to be getting even more pale.

"But there's no sun," he said softly, almost to himself. I stared at him.

"Yes there is. How'd you know?"

His eyes widened slightly. I turned a little so he could see the scar on my back. The small circle with the straight lines around it. I couldn't remember how I'd gotten it, I'd always had it. But it very definitely looked like the sun.

"'The phoenix flies with the sun.' Oh Jesus." Remus got to his feet.

"What?" I asked, confused and concerned. He was starting scare me.

He didn't answer me. He ran his hands through his hair, then stared at me again.

"What about the symbol of the Christians?"

Now he had completely freaked me out. He had never really seen me naked. It was usually dark, or I was covered by something. I made sure of that because my scars and freckles embarrassed me, so how, exactly, did he know about everything?

I didn't say anything. I slipped my pants down a little, showing him my inner thigh. There was another spattering of freckles there, very small, but roughly in the shape of a cross.

Remus went completely white and swayed where he stood.

"No. God, no, please," he whispered. "Please, not Jules."

"Remus," I demanded, the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck standing on end. "What is going on?"

He stared at me and I was shocked to see the tears in his eyes. He wrapped his arms around me and hauled me against his chest. I was too surprised to react at all. He then kissed me as though he'd never kiss me again.

Then he started to cry.

"I love you," he said quietly. I stared at him.

He turned on his heel and left the room.