Searching for a Savior

Still Searching

By the time Hallowe'en had rolled around, Remus was no closer to finding what he was searching for. He still wouldn't tell me what it was either.

We'd driven across Canada twice in that time. I didn't mind as I'd always wanted to travel the country, but it was starting to get tiring, being stuck in a car all day.

We'd taken another week's holiday in October and Remus had been sick again. I wasn't as concerned this time because I'd known that a good sleep would help him.

I managed to convince Remus to pick up a couple bags of candy, just in case we had some Trick or Treaters at the hotel.

"Do you know how long it's been since I've bought candy? I haven't had kids around on Hallowe'en for ages."

I stared at him. "Really? I love having the kids come around. I love the costumes. It's so...fun."

He chuckled. "At my school, we have pumpkins hanging from the ceiling and we have a wonderful feast every year. And we have live bats."

I grinned. "Live bats? I wouldn't be able to eat in there. Bats are scary."

Remus laughed at me. I pouted at him. He responded by leaning down and kissing my pouting lip.

It turned out that it was one of my better ideas. We had so many kids at the door that Remus had to run out and buy more candy. By the time he got back, the kids were dwindling, so we ended up eating most of it ourselves.

"Ugh," I moaned. "I feel gross. I ate way too much."

Remus laughed. "You still look good."

"Trust me, by tomorrow I'm going to have gained at least a hundred pounds."

"That's okay. I'll still love you."

I blinked at him in shock. Remus went pale.

"What?" I hadn't meant to say anything about it, but my mouth moved before I could get my brain stop it.

"I meant...I don't know what I meant." Remus wouldn't look at me. His face was still very pale. "I'm sorry."

I slid off the couch and crawled over to where he was sitting in front of the electric fire. I sat in front of him.

"It's okay, Remus. I understand what you mean, actually."

He looked up at me, his eyes tender. "Do you?"

I nodded. He pulled me into his lap and kissed me gently.

"I'm starting to dislike this car," Remus said, pulling into a gas station a few days later. "I want a truck."

I laughed. "You've been in cowboy country too long, Remus."

We were driving through Alberta now, where I had first met Remus. We'd been through twice now and this was our third trip. This time we were heading north to the Territories.

"Maybe," he agreed. "Let's go get a truck."

So we went to the airport where he'd rented the car from. Remus paid the bill for the car without batting an eye. Within an hour we were pulling out in a pickup truck. I couldn't help but chuckle.

"You best stop that," he warned me. I stuck my tongue out at him and continued to laugh. "Remind me when we get to the hotel tonight that I want to call Harry."

"Okay."

It was an hour after we arrived at the hotel before either of us remembered that he'd wanted to phone Harry. I still didn't like listening in to his conversations, so I went into the bathroom to have a soak in the Jacuzzi while he was on the phone. This was the first hotel we'd stayed at that had a Jacuzzi in the bathroom.

Remus came in a while later to join me. He looked somewhat troubled.

"Everything alright?"

"I don't know," he answered, sliding into the water. "Sirius is still in hospital. When I asked Harry last time how he was, he told me that he was gaining weight and that his arm was nearly healed. I don't understand why he would still be there."

I bit my lip. "Maybe he feels safe there."

"Maybe." Remus grinned suddenly. "I should get him to take over my classes until I get back. Harry says Severus is being awful to them all. He says that he's starting to hate his Def...um...History classes."

I frowned at him thoughtfully. That wasn't the first time that he'd suddenly changed what he was going to say.

"Is Sirius a teacher?"

"He could be." Remus tugged lightly on my hair. "I've known Sirius since I was eleven years old. He and Harry's dad were the cleverest people I ever knew. Well, except maybe for Hermione. I like this bathtub."

It took me a moment to even realise that he'd changed the subject. I burst out laughing.

"Okay," I said, giggling at him. He responded by splashing me in the face with water. I gasped as I got a mouthful. "Oh, so that's how you want to play!" I splashed him back.

Remus pulled the curtain around the Jacuzzi so we wouldn't splash the floor. He then sent a tidal wave of water at me. I shrieked and grabbed the shower head, turned the water on and blasted him with it. He responded to that by pushing my head under water.

I came up, choking and sputtering, laughing like crazy. He grinned down at me. Then he turned serious.

"Come to England with me for Christmas."

I stared at him, not really sure if it was a request or a joke.

"You mean it?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.

He took my hands in his and looked at me seriously. "I mean it. Come to England with me for Christmas."

I stood abruptly, wrapping a towel around myself. Not sure why I was doing so, I left the washroom. I plopped myself on the bed and waited for Remus to come out.

He followed not long after, wearing a slight frown. I could see the hurt in his eyes, though he was trying not to show it.

"Okay...let me guess. You were getting wrinkled?" I could tell he was trying to make light of the fact that I'd just up and left him.

"Do you really mean that?" I asked again. Remus sat down and took my hands again.

"I really mean it. I want you to meet Sirius and everybody else. I know Harry and Hermione would love to see you again."

I don't know why I didn't say yes right away. I wanted to, but something held me back.

"But my aunt and uncle...I mean, they already asked me for Christmas."

Remus dropped my hands and took my chin in his hand.

"Why are you afraid to say yes? I can see in your eyes that you want to."

I tore my chin out of his hand and hopped off the bed. I started to pace.

"Do you think it wise that I be there for their first Christmas without their son? I would be intruding."

Remus stood and watched me pace. His eyes were very hurt now and he was frowning for real.

"If you don't want to, Julianne, just say no. It's okay, really."

"I want to say yes," I replied, stopping in front of him. He nodded.

"Then say yes."

"I can't!"

"Why?"

I growled in frustration and began pacing again. "I don't know."

Remus chuckled.

"You won't be intruding. I promise. Everyone wants to meet you."

I turned pale. "You mean everyone knows about me?"

"Well...yes. Molly and Arthur would have mentioned you, not to mention Harry and Hermione met you."

"Do they know about...I mean...do they know what Noah did to me?"

Remus frowned again. Since we'd been back together, we hadn't really spoken about my time back with Noah. I didn't want Remus to know. Just thinking about it made my skin crawl.

"They know he hit you," he answered quietly, his eyes flashing. He took a step toward me. I backed away, my hand out in front of me. He stopped and his eyes flashed again. "What is wrong, Julianne?"

"I...I want to go to England with you, Remus," I whispered, dropping my hand. Remus advanced on me again. "I don't know if I can."

"Why?" he asked, stopping right in front of me.

"Well, you haven't been back since the beginning of September. Your friends and family would want to spend time with you. I couldn't take away from that."

"Why are you making excuses?"

Good question. Why was I making excuses?

"I'm not!" I answered hotly. "I just told you I want to go to England."

"Then say you will."

"I can't!" I nearly yelled at him. He glared at me.

"Fine," he said angrily. "If you're too afraid to go, then don't go. I thought you might enjoy it, is all. Forget I asked."

He turned his back on me, grabbed his jacket, and stormed out of the room.

I growled in frustration and stormed back into the washroom. I stopped when I caught sight of myself in the mirror.

Why

hadn't I said yes? What was holding me back? There wasn't anything here. I didn't go to my aunt and uncle's place for Christmas usually. They'd invited me when I'd spoken to them last week because they knew I didn't have anywhere else to go.

Why couldn't I go? For that matter, why shouldn't I go? I wanted to meet his friends. I wanted to see Harry and Hermione again. I definitely wanted to meet Sirius Black. The stories that Remus had told me about him...

I realised that I was afraid. Afraid of getting hurt. Afraid that Remus wasn't really all that different from Noah. I shook my head.

"He's nothing like Noah," I told my reflection. "You don't have to be afraid of Remus. He won't hurt you."

I smiled at myself in the mirror. Yes, I wanted to go to England.

I pulled the robe from the closet and wrapped it around myself. I then sat on the bed to wait for Remus to come back. I waited for several hours. It didn't matter, I was waiting for him to come back, no matter how tired I got.

It was after two in the morning before he finally came back. I slipped off the bed as he moved to hang up his jacket. He turned and stopped at the sight of me. His eyes went blank, his face impassive.

"I thought you'd be in bed."

"I waited for you."

"Ah."

He turned back to the closet and kicked his shoes off. I took a tentative step toward him.

He didn't look at me as he moved into the room, pulling his shirt over his head as he did so. My mouth went dry as it usually did when he stood bare-chested in front of me.

"Was there a reason you waited?" he asked.

I nodded, watching as he undid the belt around his hips. I forced my gaze back up to his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. "I waited to tell you I'm sorry."

"I see. What are you sorry for?"

He wasn't going to make this easy.

"For not giving you an answer."

"To what?"

I frowned. His face was still impassive. He was still angry at me.

Okay, fine.

"I want to go to England with you."

"I know. But you 'can't'."

"Yes I can."

He snorted, removing his trousers and hanging them over a chair.

"Well, maybe the invitation has been withdrawn," he said, his back to me.

I swallowed. I hadn't thought about that.

"Has it?" I whispered.

He turned to me, his eyes blazing. I gaped at him, unconsciously backing away. He snorted again. I lifted my chin and glared at him.

"What if it has?"

I bit my lip. "I don't think it has."

He growled and took a step toward me. I didn't know whether he wanted to kiss me or kill me. Maybe both. I made myself stay where I was.

"No? Why is that?"

"Because you aren't one to withdraw an offer like that. I realise now that you wouldn't have made that offer lightly."

He laughed as he advanced toward me. I started to tremble.

"Smart girl."

"Has it been withdrawn?" I demanded, backing away from him now. He growled again and continued to follow me.

"I haven't decided."

"Well, if it hasn't been, I want to go. I want to meet your friends and I want to see Harry and Hermione again."

"Right."

My back hit the wall. I stood there and stared at Remus. His eyes were still blazing with anger.

"Why did you say no?" he demanded, still advancing on me.

"I didn't, not really," I answered truthfully.

"Okay. Why didn't you say yes?"

He had caught up with me. He didn't stop, merely lifted me off the floor, crushing his mouth to mine. I whimpered and kissed him back, my fingers already in his hair. I could taste wine on his lips.

"You were drinking," I accused in a breathless whisper when he pulled his mouth away from mine. He slid his hands under my bottom. I wound my legs around his hips as he kissed me again.

This one wasn't nearly as savage as the last one had been. He kissed me gently, softly. One of his hands came up between us and started to untie my robe.

"Are you going to England with me then?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

"Yes," I answered. "I'm going to England with you."

He growled softly and kissed me again. We didn't talk much after that. His boxers soon joined my robe on the floor.

*

We both knew as soon as we awoke the next day that something had changed between us. I wasn't sure what it was, but it was something.

On Friday, Remus disappeared for a while again. I didn't think anything of it this time. We were staying at a hotel for the week because Remus felt he needed some time off again.

By the following Friday, Remus was pale and edgy once more. I watched him, concerned, as he paced the room.

"Remus, what is going on?"

"Nothing," he snapped, turning toward me. "I don't feel well is all."

"Maybe it's the weather?" It had started to snow that day and the wind was howling like crazy. Just looking out the window chilled me to the bone.

"It's not the weather, although that's ghastly."

He continued to pace.

"You should be careful, you might wear a hole in the floor," I joked, trying to make him smile.

"Funny," he said with a snort. He didn't stop pacing.

"Does this hotel have a doctor or a nurse on staff?"

"I don't know, Jules," he answered exasperatedly. "I didn't ask. I didn't intend on being sick today."

"Why do you pace when you're sick?"
"I don't know, it's just something I've always done. Why do you ask questions about everything?"

I smiled. "I don't know, it's just something I've always done."

We ordered dinner in the room that night and were just starting to eat when Remus suddenly gasped, jumped up and ran from the room. There was that same crack I'd heard in the other hotels. I jumped up to follow him. There was no sign of him in the hall.

I assumed that he'd gone down to see if there was a doctor in the hotel, so I went down to the front desk to ask where the doctor was.

"Yes, we have a doctor in the building, but nobody has been to see him this evening," the lady at the desk told me. I thanked her and went back up to the room, frowning.

If Remus wasn't going to the doctor, where was he going?

I sighed and sat in the chairs facing the window and looked outside. Full moon.

I gasped and sat forward. Full moon? It had been a full moon the first time Remus had been ill in September. Come to think of it, I was pretty certain it had been a full moon in October as well.

The scene with Harry in the car came back to me in a rush. Harry getting angry with me when I'd made the comment about werewolves being evil.

I'd wondered then why he had been so passionate about it.

Could Remus be one?

As soon as I thought this, I laughed at myself. Werewolves didn't exist. They were a fictional being.

I sat down on the bed and pulled my book out, intent on waiting for him. I must have fallen asleep not long after that, because I awoke early the next morning, my book on my chest and the light still blazing in my eyes. Remus hadn't returned. I glanced outside at the still black sky. Where could he be?

I started to pace the room, determined to wait for him to come back. I watched the moon go down and the sun start to rise. About an hour later, the door opened slowly and Remus stumbled into the room. I cried out as he nearly fell. I rushed forward to help him.

"What are you doing up?" he asked softly.

"I...waiting for you," I answered. I tucked his arm over my shoulder and he leaned on me as we moved toward the bed. "Where did you go? What happened to you?"

There was a long scratch along the side of his face. I went to get a cloth while he undressed. I gaped at the scrapes all over his torso.

"God, Remus what happened?" I wailed, gently wiping blood from his cheek and from his torso. He winced a couple times but didn't complain

"Can't remember," he grunted. "I felt like I was...I don't know...coming out of my skin, so I was going down to see if there was a doctor in the building. I was in the elevator and can't remember much else."

I watched him as he told this. Was it my imagination, or was he avoiding looking me in the eye?

He groaned as he lay down. He was so pale and it looked like he didn't fit properly inside his own skin. I nearly cried as I covered him with blankets.

"Lay with me?" he asked softly, patting the bed beside him feebly.

I didn't say anything, just lay beside him. I was afraid of hurting him, but he must have found my presence comforting because he was asleep within minutes.

I watched him sleep for a while, watched the expressions flit across his face. He seemed to be having a dream that wasn't overly pleasant. He frowned a lot and muttered angrily in his sleep.

After Remus had slept, he insisted that he wanted to get on the road, even though I pointed out that it wouldn't hurt to stay the night. He won, so we were back in the truck by lunchtime.

"I spoke to Harry yesterday, remember? They need me to find what I'm looking for."

I nodded as he reminded me of this. There wasn't really much else for me to say on that subject.

"They're looking forward to having us for Christmas. Harry said that Molly has already started cleaning."

I gaped at him. "It's only the middle of November!"

He chuckled. "I know."

We stopped early that night because Remus still wasn't feeling all that great. I helped him into the motel room and ordered dinner for us as he stretched out on the bed. I sat at his feet, rubbing them slowly as we made plans for Christmas shopping. I confessed that I had no idea what to get for anybody.

"You don't really have to get anything," Remus pointed out.

"I would feel strange if I showed up with no gifts," I answered. "Maybe just like a bottle of wine or something for Mr and Mrs Weasley...oh Remus, I don't know."

He smiled. "It's alright, Jules. I can help you."

"Thank you, Remus," I said, smiling back. Dinner arrived then, so that topic was soon dropped.

*

Over the next couple weeks, we travelled from town to town, searching for whatever Remus was searching for. A few times we stopped at stores and I bought several gifts for my soon to be hosts. Remus helped me on several things. A couple times I found myself in stores that I never would have gone into had Remus not been there. I wasn't sure that people would like the things I bought, but Remus assured me they would and, seeing as they were his friends, I decided to trust him.

I had no idea what to buy Remus for Christmas. He needed some warm clothing that was for sure. He had sweaters and things, but he still found the cold Canadian weather a bit too cold. I bought him several wool sweaters and several pairs of wool socks. When I was buying the socks I noticed a pair of long wool underwear hanging on a rack nearby. I grinned to myself, imagining Remus opening them on Christmas morning.

Remus was being very sneaky. He kept asking me what I would like for Christmas. I kept telling him that he didn't have to get me anything, so he would sneak into stores while I was doing my shopping, then come back with a secretive sort of smile on his face. It was driving me crazy!

He was sick again around the middle of the month. Again he disappeared for the night and was back before I had awoken.

We booked our flights to London out of Calgary for December twenty-second. As the day approached, I found myself getting more and more nervous. I wanted to meet his friends, but I wasn't sure they would like me. What if they thought I was too much of a distraction for Remus? I didn't mean to keep him from his search, but he wouldn't let me help him.

This crazy thought kept popping into my head as we spent our last night in the hotel before making for the airport. I was in the washroom brushing my teeth when Remus popped his head around the door.

"Can you come out here? I want to give you a gift early."

Curious, I finished brushing my teeth and went into the main room. Remus had a large parcel in front of him and he looked pleased with himself.

"What's this?" I asked carefully, sitting down on the bed beside him. He grinned and put the parcel in my hands.

"Open it and find out."

Glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, I opened the gold and scarlet package. I held up what was inside.

"Oh," I breathed. "It's beautiful."

But what was it?

Remus grinned sheepishly.

"You have no idea what it is."

I laughed, a flush spreading across my cheeks. Remus grinned at me and stood up. He took the material from me and slipped it around my shoulders.

"It's a cloak," he explained. "In those books that you love so much, it always describes people as wearing cloaks, or travelling cloaks, et cetera. I thought you might like a cloak."

I gasped as I looked at myself in the mirror. Of course it was a cloak, how could I have been so stupid?

I wrapped it closer around myself and studied it in the mirror. It was made of midnight blue wool. Three small silver clasps adorned the front of it. I smiled at my reflection. It was warmer than any winter coat I'd ever owned.

I turned to Remus, who was looking at me somewhat nervously.

"I love it, Remus," I said breathlessly. "It's absolutely perfect."

He grinned at me and held up a second cloak. This one was obviously a man's cloak.

"I got myself one as well," he explained with a shy grin. My smile widened as I helped him put it on.

"We look like a witch and wizard," I said with a chuckle. I didn't notice Remus' smile freeze a little. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. I smiled and leaned back against his chest.

"We actually wear these in England," he said quietly. "They're quite warm. So if you see somebody wearing a cloak when we're at the Weasleys don't think anything of it."

"Okay."

I carefully hanged my cloak in the closet and stood back to look at it for a minute. Then I turned and gave Remus a kiss.

"Thank you, Remus," I said with a smile as he dazedly hung up his own cloak.

*

"Calm down, Julianne," Remus said, leaning over and taking my hand with his. I suppose watching me twist my fingers together must have been driving him crazy.

"I'm sorry, Remus," I said nervously, turning to him. "I'm just nervous is all. I hate to confess this, but I don't really like flying. And I'm scared that your friends won't like me."

Remus smiled. "They will," he assured me. "As for flying, I'm not fond of it either. Actually, the actual in the air part doesn't bother me. It's the taking off and the landing that I don't like."

"Me either," I agreed.

We were less than an hour out of London. I'd closed my window shade because looking out at the ocean had started to make me somewhat nauseous. I couldn't watch the movie being played because I couldn't concentrate. Remus had finally taken my book away when I'd nearly twisted it in half out of nerves.

Remus stood up suddenly and pulled my new cloak out of the overhead compartment. He wrapped mine around me. I realised that I'd been shivering so hard that my teeth were chattering.

"Oh," I said in surprise when he pulled it over me. "Thank you."

He laughed softly but said nothing. He continued to hold my hand until the plane finally landed.

As soon as we walked out into the terminal, I saw Harry and Hermione waving at us. Hermione let out a squeal when she saw us.

"She came!"

I stopped dead in my tracks. She was that happy to see me?

Harry and Hermione rushed forward, a man around Remus' age and two red heads on their heels. Hermione wrapped her arms around me before I could even say hello.

"It's so good to see you, Julianne!" she announced as soon as she stepped back. "We wondered if you would be coming. I love your cloak!"
She turned to Remus and gave him a hug. Harry grinned at me and wrapped his arms around me as well.

"It's nice to see you again," he said softly, kissing me on the cheek. He then wrapped his arm over my shoulder and turned to the other three. "Right, Julianne. This is Sirius, Ron and Ginny. You lot, this is Julianne."

He pointed to each as he said their names. Sirius turned out to be the man around Remus age. I tried not to stare at his skeletal appearance and hoped I'd done a good job. He had obviously been extraordinarily handsome at one point, but his current weight didn't show that. He had longish dark brown hair and pale blue eyes. He shook my hand warmly.

"So this is the young lady that's stolen Remus from us," he said with a smile. His eyes had a haunted look to them. It nearly broke my heart.

"Remus is my white knight," I said to him shyly. "He rescued me so many times, it's hard to count."

Sirius smiled at that. "White knight, eh, Moony?"

Remus flushed and took a half-hearted swipe at Sirius.

Ron turned out to be the tall, handsome red head. He stood nearly a foot taller than I. He wrapped his arms around me. Somewhat surprised, I returned the hug.

"It's nice to meet you at last," he said warmly. "Harry and Hermione spoke of nobody else for several days. It was a bit annoying, really."

I laughed at that.

Ginny was obviously Ron's sister. She was the same height as Harry and had long glorious red hair. Ginny was absolutely stunning. She smiled warmly at me before giving me a shy hug.

"Ron said everything that I meant to," she said with a smile. "It is good to meet you finally."

Well, if this was what all the Weasleys were like, meeting the rest of them would be a piece of cake!

"How are we getting to the burrow?" Remus asked Sirius quietly after we'd picked up our luggage and had made our way to the parking lot. Sirius grinned at him.

"I rented a car."

Remus stared sceptically at Sirius. I had no idea what the burrow was or why we were going there.

"I'll drive," Remus said with a chuckle. "I've driven with you before. You're too scary."

Sirius pretended to pout, but handed the keys to Remus. I slid into the back of the car with Hermione and Harry. Sirius slid in next to me.

"This car is bigger than it looks," I commented.

I didn't see the look that Sirius, Harry and Hermione shared. I was too busy looking at Remus, who had grinned at me in the rear view mirror.

"Everyone in? Right. On to the burrow!"