That Today I Belong

July-September 1970, Age 11

Sometimes you aren't all that different.

It was a bright, swelteringly hot Saturday afternoon when Lily Evans received a visit from a strange, overweight man wearing a funny hat and what could only be described as a robe. He carried with him a letter written on heavy parchment inviting her to attend a school she had never heard of in Scotland.

That might have been an unsettling discovery for many, to find out about a whole other world and that you are a part of it. However, to a girl of eleven who had always felt a bit lonely and out of place, it was some of the most reassuring news she had ever received.

Still, when she boarded the train for the first time she couldn't help but feel overwhelmed and, once again, like she was on the outside. Everyone seemed to know one another, they moved in groups, talking, laughing and sharing stories of what they had done during the summer holidays; the older students carried their wands and were casting spells at one another almost arbitrarily.

Lily finally found what looked to be an empty compartment and ducked inside. She nearly dropped her trunk on her foot when she heard the sound of someone clearing his throat. She turned and found a small, dark haired boy curled up on one of the benches.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' she said nervously. 'Do you mind if I sit with you?'

The boy shook his head.

'Thanks,' she said, offering him a grateful smile.

Lily settled in and pulled out the bag her mother had packed for her that morning. It contained a couple of books and enough sandwiches and snacks to feed at least six. Looking at the boy across from her, she extended one of the packets of crisps towards him.

'My name's Lily, by the way. My mum packed enough food to feed a small army. Would you like some?'

The boy looked up and accepted crisps.

'I'm Severus,' he said with a startled half-smile

May 1972, Age 13

You might make a decent witch after all.

Those that met her after she had left Hogwarts always assumed Lily was one of those people who was effortlessly brilliant at most things she touched. Even though it was the furthest thing from the truth, she found it wasn't often worth the effort to try and convince them otherwise.

While she had always had a particular aptitude for Charms, most of the other practical subjects eluded her. It wasn't that she was horrible at them, it was just that when it came time to apply the theories she had been taught she tended to clam up.

She was sitting by the edge of the lake trying to enjoy the unseasonable warmth when suddenly she was cast into shadow. She turned her head to find Severus standing above her.

'I thought we were going to meet in the library?' he asked.

Lily shrugged as he sat down beside her. 'We were. I'd got there early and was working on some Transfiguration. I still can't seem to turn my teacup into a tortoise without something being off. I thought I'd take a break.'

Severus stared out at the water for a minute before responding. 'You think too much.'

Lily glared at him. 'Thanks, that's helpful.'

'No, I mean it, Lily.' He fished in his pocket, pulled out an empty inkpot and placed it on the ground in front of them. 'It's not a teacup, obviously, but it should work just the same. Give it a go.'

Lily rolled her eyes but pointed her wand at the inkpot. She muttered the proper words and flicked her wand. The inkpot quivered, elongated and then sprouted four legs and a tiny head. While it wasn't really an inkpot any longer, it wasn't a tortoise either.

Lily sighed with frustration. 'See what I mean.'

'You think too much.'

'You already said that.'

'I'm going to keep saying it until you get it right. Stop thinking. Magic isn't like maths; it isn't an exact formula. How do you do so well in Charms?'

'I don't know,' she mumbled. 'It just works. Something about it just feels right when I go to do a spell.'

'Exactly! You don't think about it, you just feel. The same principle applies to Transfiguration and Potions.'

Lily looked at him warily.

'Think about it - you do well in Charms because it's almost like instinct, right? The other subjects aren't any different. You have to stop worrying about getting it exactly right and just feel your way through it. The rest comes from there.'

Severus aimed his wand at the inkpot tortoise and returned it to its original state. 'Try again.'

Lily stared at the inkpot for a moment before closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She cleared her head, said the words and then opened her eyes as she cast the spell. She wasn't sure what had changed this time, but she knew that the spell felt different as it thrummed through her and then through her wand. She looked down and smiled when she saw the small tortoise crawling through the grass.

'See,' said Severus, clearly pleased with the results as well. 'We might make a witch out of you yet.'

February 1975, Age 15

There are some things you can't mend with magic.

Lily was sitting in the Great Hall finishing her bowl of pumpkin soup when she realised the table had grown unnaturally quiet. Before she had a chance to find out what had brought about the silence, she felt a hand come to rest on her shoulder. She turned to find Dumbledore standing behind her.

The sequence of events that followed always remained somewhat blurry in her mind. There was the long walk to Dumbledore's office, her father standing, shoulders sagged, next to Fawkes, and the words 'metastased' and 'we're not sure how much longer she has'.

All Lily clearly remembered was the effort it took to keep herself from fleeing the room.

Three days later she found herself summoned to McGonagall's office. When Lily entered she did not look up from the stack of parchment that cluttered her desk.

'Madam Pince tells me that you've requested access to Gorsemoor's Grimoire.'

'Yes, ma'am,' she said quietly. 'Several texts I've found refer to it. I thought it might be helpful to look through it directly, so as to better understand how I might -'

It was only then that McGonagall looked up at her. The expression on her face caused Lily to falter mid-sentence.

'You won't find what you are looking for there, or in any other book in the Hogwarts Library, restricted or not, Miss Evans,' McGonagall said sadly.

'There has to be something I can do, something I can find,' she cried. 'You can't tell me that in the last thousand or more years someone hasn't found some way to stop this.'

McGonagall shook her head slightly. 'We can do many things, Lily, but, no matter what others might tell you, we cannot cheat death.'

November 1976, Age 17

Sometimes people surprise you, and sometimes you even manage to surprise yourself.

Despite it being an hour after curfew, Lily was surprised to find the common room nearly empty as she came through the portrait hole. The room's only occupant was James Potter, slumped in a chair by the fireplace, reading a textbook.

At the sound of the portrait hole closing, James turned to look at her and Lily raised an eyebrow in response.

'So James Potter does in fact study. Who knew?' she said as she settled into the chair across from him.

James smiled. 'I know you all think that I'm naturally this smart, talented and handsome but I'll have you know it takes a good deal of hard work.'

'Yes, I do imagine the effort of carrying around that ego would require a certain amount of effort on your part.'

He gave some sort of half-hearted, muttered reply before turning back to his reading.

They sat in relatively comfortable silence for the better part of an hour, each working on their own assignments. Eventually James shut his book and glanced over at her.

'How do you do it, Lily?' he asked quietly.

Lily looked over at him puzzled. 'Do what?'

James fiddled with the sleeve of his robe. 'Your mum, she died a few years back, didn't she?'

Lily bit her lower lip; she hadn't talked about what happened to her mum to much of anyone. 'Honestly, I don't know,' she said after a moment. 'I think about her all the time. It's like there is this great big, gaping hole in my life and nothing that I'll ever do, nothing that will ever come will fill it.'

James sighed and looked down at his book. 'It's just that my dad is ill, really ill. The doctors don't know what is wrong. My mum is beside herself. They've been married for over 60 years; I don't know what she'll do without him. And then there is Sirius, we're all he's got left. Peter has so much pressure from his family, I worry about him too. And Remus, he tries so hard to be self-sufficient but I know he needs me, us. Not to mention all that is going on with You-Know-Who. I don't know how to do this all on my own. I thought he'd be there -'

He stopped himself and went back to worrying his sleeve. They sat like that for a few minutes before Lily leaned over and grabbed his hand to keep him from doing some actual damage to the fabric. She laced her fingers through his and gave them a squeeze.

James looked up at her with a surprised expression. At any other moment it might have caused her to laugh.

'You'll get through it,' she said finally. 'I can't tell you how but you will. And I'll be around if you need to talk.'

With that Lily stood and extracted her hand from James's. He smiled up at her gratefully. She leaned down and brushed his forehead lightly with her lips before making her way towards the stairs to the girls' dormitory.

April 1979, Age 19

And sometimes you really are completely different.

She was running down an alley somewhere in Edinburgh; the morning haze was still thick and the day's light was only beginning to tint the sky. Lily yelped when a hand clamped around her wrist and pulled her into a nearby doorway.

'Sir-' she cried before he covered her mouth with his hand. Sirius shook his head and mouthed the words 'my flat'. She nodded and they both Apparated away.

She had barely had time to get her bearings before she heard Sirius ranting in one of the upstairs bedrooms.

'What the fuck was that, Evans?' he asked as he came down the stairs.

Lily felt herself bristling and counted to three before responding. 'Obviously that was an ambush, you idiot.'

Sirius rolled his eyes as he flopped down on the couch and removed his shoes. 'I know it was an ambush. That's not what I meant and you know it. What the hell was it that you did back there?'

Suddenly feeling drained, she sat down next to him. 'I don't know exactly,' she answered honestly. 'I was thinking of that spell we learned in Defence in Fourth Year. You remember that one we were taught to dispel Hinkypunks?'

Sirius nodded.

'Well, I was thinking what if I modified it slightly and, well, that was the result.'

Sirius grabbed her arm and turned her towards him. With the way he had been yelling earlier, she had expected him to be angry with her. Instead she was greeted by a look of awe. Had she not already been sitting, she would have needed a chair.

'I haven't seen something like that in a long while,' he said quietly, 'especially not from a Muggleborn.'

Lily glared at him.

'No offence,' he said quickly. 'I don't think I've even seen Prongs work magic like that.'

She must have given him an incredulous look because he continued.

'No, really, Evans. What you did, that was intense. There was real power there. Once they get themselves sorted from wherever it is you sent them, they'll think twice before crossing you again.'

Lily sank back into the couch.

'But you are going to have to be careful.'

'I know, Sirius. I'm not some little girl.'

'Didn't say you were. In fact, I think I just said the exact opposite. But now you also have their attention. Voldemort's not going to let power like that go by without trying to find a way to use it for himself.'

She sighed. Not for the first time that week, she felt older and more tired that her nineteen years should have allowed.

'What do we do now?' she asked.

'Now we get some sleep. I made up the guest bed for you. We'll go find James once we've had some rest. We'll work it out from there, together.'

Sirius stood up and offered a hand to help her up as well. When she was standing he pulled her into a tight hug. 'Maybe James wasn't so wrong about you after all,' he mumbled against her hair.

Lily smiled and, biting back a snarky remark, let the moment be what it was.