At Least Out Loud

At Least Out Loud.

"Go on Lily. He's cute, smart, fun, and you know you love him. Just ask him out."

"No. I don't love him."

It was 1985. Lily had left Hogwarts a year and a half ago, and was struggling to stay afloat in a world that was being ripped apart by war. She was working long hours as a healer/ auror. She was the Healer for any auror at any hour, just out of training. As such, she specialised in curses, hexes, and poisons, among other things. And despite constant urging, she had yet to go out with one James Potter.

"Yes, you do. Lily! You've been staring at him at every chance for the past two years! I've known you since you were still in nappies, Lily. You can't lie to me."

It was true. Penelope had known her for as long as she could remember. She was the only person outside of her family that she had told about her magic, and her letter to Hogwarts. The hardest thing about getting on the scarlet steam engine was saying goodbye to Penny.

Lily sighed. "Penny, please. I'm not going to ask him out. OK? I'm just not."

Penelope pursed her lips. Her friend looked like a wreck. Her face was pale, her eyes were dark, the normally-shockingly red hair seeming to reflect its owner's fatigue. "Lily, this wouldn't have anything to do with that war, would it?"

Silence.

"Lily, please look after yourself. You're my best friend. I worry about you."

Lily smiled. "I don't need to look after myself, not with you around."

"Lily!"

A sharp beeping sound started up in the kitchen of the small flat.

"Oh no." Lily got up and went to check the source. When she came back her face was grim.

"Lupin's in a bad way. I'm sorry Penny, I have to go. I'm really sorry."

"Yeah yeah. You go save his life. I see you next Thursday, OK?"

"Yeah... Yeah, OK. With a sharp crack, Lily disapparated.

"I don't think I will ever get used to that," Penny murmured to the empty room.

***

"What's the problem? What happened?" Lily ran to catch up with James Potter. James was an auror in training now, due to finish the course in October.

"Remus was caught by a pair of werewolves three days ago just outside Bath," he replied. "He beat them off, but suffered various wounds. What with the blood loss and the stress of transformation, he fainted. He came to a few hours ago, and called for help. His leg is infected, and he doesn't look to good at all.

James showed her to the ward where Remus was. James was right. His friend was a nasty pale colour, and his leg was red and swollen.

"Hey Lily," he said. "How do I look?"

"You look just fine Remus. I'll fix you up in a jiffy. Now, drink this."

***

Lily was too tired to try apparating back to her flat. She caught the Knight Bus, and because she was last in line for destinations, having paid no tip, actually got to sleep for a while. When she got home, she was so exhausted she just crashed, shoes and all.

That night had been hard. Werewolf inflicted wounds were resistant to healing magic, possibly because of the multiple magics that caused Lycanthropy. Remus' leg, as well as being badly infected, had been broken. It was a clean break, and Lily managed to heal that quite easily, but the infection was deep. She had to sit with him for an hour with his leg in warm water, steeped with aloe vera, dock leaf and vervain. Lily had brought the swelling down, and eased the pain, but that was just about all she could do, for all her degrees and certificates of merit.

Lily woke up at about four in the morning. She had a long, hot shower, got dressed and was fixing a smoothie for breakfast when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in," she called, turning off the blender. James walked into the kitchen.

"Oh. Hello." James had never come to her flat before. She hadn't realised that he even knew where she lived.

"Hi. Lily, you don't look to great. I noticed last night. You need to look after yourself."

"I had friend tell me that just yesterday."

"Well, in any case, I persuaded them to give two days off."

"Really? I wouldn't have thought an auror in training would hold much sway over the top dog, even one as promising as yourself."

"Well, no, but Dumbledore does. I convinced him to help, and he convinced them. Said you were no good to anyone if you worked yourself sick."

"Ah. Thanks. I think you were trying to make a point in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to think about what it was."

"That was it."

A loud grumbling sound filled the air.

"Oops. I forgot to eat breakfast."

Lily laughed.

"And here you are, telling me to take care of myself."

James grinned back.

"There's food in the pantry, and more in the fridge. Help yourself."

"What's this?"

"That's the fridge. It's a muggle invention for keeping things cold with out magic."

"Weird. How does it work?"

"How should I know? Ask Arthur. I'll be I the living room."

Leaving James to his inspection of the fridge, Lily went and sat on one of her faded, threadbare couches. Penny's words from last night came back to her. 'He loves you, and you know you love him...' Did she? Was it possible to love anyone in these war torn times? When any affection could only hurt, when things went wrong? Dumbledore had said, before they'd all left Hogwarts, that Voldemort had a huge inferiority complex when it came to anyone who had anything to do with Hogwarts, except Slytherins. Did she dare to love anyone, when it might bring Voldemort's wrath down on their head?

Lily was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice James sit next to her, and wrap his arms around her. All she knew was that she felt safe, and comforted. She rested her head against that familiar shoulder.

At least out loud, she thought as she drifted into slumber, I won't say I'm in love...