There Is No Sky

There's a certain spot in the sky that you can't stop staring at. You know that one. The stars in the sky are so many, but it's that one place that always draws your attention. The long line of the body, the sharp, pointed shape of the head. The dog that you never did really notice before.

The constellation is Canis Major. The Greater Dog. And that one star at the point where the dog's neck meets it body. It's the brightest star in the sky after the sun, even though you just can't see it because it's so far away.

Just like him.

Alpha Canis Major. Star of many names, bright, scorching star, a star that would burn you to a crisp if you went close to it.

A star that would burn your soul if you ever dared look into his eyes, so haunted.

Canicula. Aschere. The Dog Star. All hold meaning in the language of the astronomers, that one star. So many names.

So many names that really don't matter to you. You really thought that they once did, but there are more important things in this world.. things more important than books and silly, silly names.

Sirius.

It means 'scorching'. The scorching fire that you could feel radiating off him, that appeal and zest for action that led him so often into places he shouldn't have been.

The star would shine so brightly in a sea of glitter; his star twinkled, outshining all the others. It's about 8.6 light years away from earth. A distance you could never even fathom, it's so far.

How far away is he from you now?

Maybe it's just your eyes, so weak. The lights dissolve into the haze, a light mist that no one can see but you, the soft and damp clouds that you wipe away with a corner of your sleeve and the shattered remains of your heart. Yes, that could be the explanation. Your eyes are just too weak to see something that's so far away. The mist doesn't help, shimmering between you and the stars... like a fine veil.

Is he hiding behind there? Can he see you? Why doesn't he come out?

There's always something that the textbooks miss, something that can't be gained from drawings of patterns on star charts. Maybe that's what's missing. A 'how to' section. How do you find the brightest star in the sky when you don't know where to look?

How do you find him when you don't know where to look?

You've looked through a telescope so many times, plotting their positions, this angle and that. You sit on your bed now, far away from that world where the universe is laid at your feet, where the heavens spill their secrets for you to hear.

So far away…

Once upon a time, you would sit in a window seat, and look out at the sky from a castle window. All those years, the stars stared back at you, their light comforting as you sought out the familiar patterns. And all that time, that one star stood out from the rest, bold and proud, but you never did know it well, only knew that it was there.

Once upon a time…

Those same stars look back down upon you now. Or so you'd like to think.

The brightest star in your sky.

They say that the constellations are there for eternity, placed in the sky forevermore. They don't change. You'd beg to differ, though. You've looked on your star charts and you're pretty sure that if you had a telescope right now, it really wouldn't change anything, because you can't see it anymore.

You can't see him anymore.

You stare at that space in the sky, waiting for the mist to move away, hearing the trees sway above you and the stars cry above. And it's just like you're frozen in that one spot, stuck in a moment and all those clichéd sayings at one go, you can't move and you know that one night, you took your net and tried to catch a falling star…

You were the one who had to be caught, and his arms were there to break the fall.

…But all it did was burn your hands as it fell to earth, and as you heard it break, you could feel your heart being stamped upon, shattering, like a million shards of red crystal.

But when he fell… you couldn't catch him.

And try as you might, you couldn't put the pieces back together; they were lost as the star burnt out on itself. All that remained were the ashes, scattered so far and blown by the wind until they settled over the stars, dulling their brightness.

The wind blows through the window, but you don't care anymore. There's rain and thunder and a lightning bolt scar, and you stare up at the dull space, close your eyes. The sky will never be complete, years from now they'll look up and notice that it's gone, but for you, there is no sky.

Without him…

There is no sky.