Streets of Heaven

Dear God,

I'm really no good at this. I don't do this as often as I should...usually just when things are going wrong instead of when they're going okay. But...Lord, if I ever needed You, it's now.

Hello God, it's me again. Two A.M., Room three-oh-four.

Do You remember who I am? I'm the kid who prayed for You to watch over my big brother when he started Hogwarts and I didn't. I'm the one who asked You to make sure that whatever happened to me at school, You would look out for me. I'm the guy who asked You for forgiveness when I joined the Death Eaters.

I know I ask a lot of You, God, but this time I'm asking for my family as much as I am for me. It's my little girl. Ellie--she's the pride of my life. I love her so much. I'd do anything for her...that's why I joined the Death Eaters. I know You know her--she's one of Your children, and I remember from Sirius reading the Bible to me when I was little that You know every sheep in Your flock. I'm sure You know that she's sick, so sick.

Visiting hours are over, time for our bedside tug of war.

This sleeping child between us may not make it through the night.

I'm fighting back the tears as she fights for her life.

It isn't her fault, God. It isn't her fault that her mother and I have a tiny genetic mutation that just happened to be recessive. It isn't her fault that she got that mutation from both of us. It isn't her fault that this awful disease is ripping her little body apart.

It isn't her fault that I'm a Death Eater, either. Please, God, don't punish my baby for my sins. I know I joined to save her, but, God, it isn't her fault. It's my fault for believing what Lucius Malfoy said. I should have just entrusted her care to You in the first place, but I was so desperate and scared that I would have done anything for her. Anything.

Well, it must be kind of crowded,

On the streets of Heaven.

So tell me: what do you need her for?

I know You don't take orders, but...please. I know I've made mistakes, but, God, Ellie might be the one thing I've done right these last few years. I love her so much, and I would do anything--absolutely anything--for her.

Ellie's going to heaven--I'm so sure of that. If Ellie isn't on Your dance card, then nobody is. But...God, there are so many others up there. Ellie doesn't have any family in Your Celestial City. Her only family is right here on earth--her mother, her two uncles, and her father, me. Please, God, can't You just let her stay with us for just a little bit longer?

Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever.

But right now I need her so much more.

I just...I feel like this is my fault. Perhaps if I had been a better son, a better brother, a better husband, a better father...Ellie wouldn't be so sick, there would be something I could do for her, anything. She's so little, God--she can't be on her own. Who will look after her if I can't be there for her?

She's much too young to be on her own:

Barely just turned seven.

So who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven?

Lord, she hasn't even seen her first birthday. Christmas...oh, the look on her face. She was so happy...my brother and his friends came, and they just loved her to pieces, and she loved them. We've been talking about getting her a dog. A basset hound, maybe, or a Newfoundland--she liked it when Sirius transformed for her. I think she'd like that.

Severus wants to teach her about Potions. Becca wants to take her horseback riding. James and Lily just had a baby, they'll be in the same year at Hogwarts...I think their Harry would like a friend. Becca will love having someone else to sit with, to complain about the Terrible Twos and weep all over when their babies start school. I'm going to cry too...if she lives. Oh, please, God, let her live.

Tell me God, do you remember the wishes that she made,

As she blew out the candles on her last birthday cake?

Becca...oh, God, You know my Becky as well as You know Ellie, as well as You know me. I left her in there with our baby while I came out to talk to You. She's sleeping now...both of them are...but it's just sleep, I went in and checked. I'm so afraid that something will happen to my baby and her mother won't wake up, or I won't be there.

God, I don't want anything to happen to my baby at all. If Ellie dies, a part of Becca will die too. Just like a part of her died when we found out that her mother was dead, just like a part of her died when she found out that Severus is a Death Eater. If much more of her dies...there won't be anything left.

God, I love them both so much. I'm Ellie's father, I'm Becca's husband...I ought to be able to protect them. They're my family--my whole world. But You know that--I know You do. Please, isn't there anything I can do?

She wants to ride a pony when she'd big enough.

She wants to marry her Daddy when she's all grown up.

She's so little--so very, very little. Oh, God, she's only ten months old! She won't even be a year old until October...can't we at least keep her that long? Please...You can't imagine what this is doing to Becca. We love her so much...we can't possibly let her go now. I can see why You would want her with You, but please, if You were going to take her back, why couldn't You have done it before we got so attached to her?

Well, it must be kind of crowded,

On the streets of Heaven.

So tell me: what do you need her for?

Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever.

But right now I need her so much more.

She's much too young to be on her own:

Barely just turned seven.

So who will hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven?

She's our angel, God. You have plenty of angels with You in the Celestial City. Becky and I read The Littlest Angel to Ellie on Christmas...she loved it...but we know that You love all of Your children, and that You want them all with you. But, God, why do you have to take our little girl now?

Lord, don't you know she's my angel

You got plenty of your own

And I know you hold a place for her

But she's already got a home

I don't mean to cry. I need to stay strong for Becky and Ellie...but, God, you know how hard it is. Oh, please, can't You understand? You lost Your child once too.

Well I don't know if you're listenin'

But praying is all that's left to do

So I ask you, Lord, have mercy,

You lost a son once too...

I hear Becca stirring in the other room. I have to be in there when she wakes up or she's going to panic. She's so afraid she'll lose me too.

And it must be kind of crowded,

On the streets of Heaven.

So tell me: what do you need her for?

Don't you know one day she'll be your little girl forever.

But right now I need her so much more.

God, I know You don't take orders, and I know that if You've made your decision, I won't be able to change it. So...if You have decided to take her into Your keeping...please look out for her. Make sure she knows to look both ways...and that someone holds her hand when she crosses the streets of heaven.

Lord, I know once you've made up your mind,

There's no use in beggin'.

So if you take her with you today, will you make sure she looks both ways,

And would you hold her hand when she crosses the streets of Heaven.

It's August thirteenth, 1980. I have had a very long night. It's going to be a very long day. I entrust my family--especially my baby--into Your keeping.

Please, God, be merciful.

In Your holy name I pray, Amen.

The streets of Heaven...