To the Moon

Authors Notes: Thanks to my beta Jenni for teaching me all the intricate rules of English grammar! Sorry to everyone if this story is a little grim: I was in one of those sort of moods!

I feel numb.

The lock on the front door clicks as I enter my house. It's cold and dark, and has the feeling of not being lived in for several weeks.

It has an empty feeling. Just like me.

The lights automatically come on as I move through the living room. Andromeda walks behind me, carrying a small bundle in her arms. I barely glance back at her as I move from room to room, igniting lights and taking in the feel of the house.

I feel so hollow inside, it's almost hard to believe.

"Arthur and Molly came by here just before you got out of St. Mungo's." Andromeda's voice startles me and I turn. She stands just behind me, her arms bundle-free.

"Where's Teddy?" There's no emotion in my voice. I just can't summon the energy.

"In his bassinet in the living room. He's going to need a bath, and then he can go down for the night."

I nod slightly. "Why did Molly and Arthur come by?" I enquire.

"Just to tidy up a bit." Andromeda responds.

So they tried to de-Dora the house, I think, but all I end up saying is, "oh."

There's a slight pause as Andromeda studies me. "I'll go and give Teddy his bath," she finally says.

"All right." I nod mechanically, and make to move towards the kitchen. "I'll start dinner."

Andromeda nods and moves away towards the living room. I watch her go and then start towards the kitchen. Reaching the sink, I bend over and pick up some potatoes.

Mechanically I begin to make dinner.

Swish, flick.

The potatoes start to peel themselves.

Bang, crash.

The pots jump up onto the stove, fill themselves with water and immediately come to the boil. The potatoes jump into the scalding water of their own accord.

I am without feeling. Even when some of the scorching water jumps out of the pot and burns the back of my hand, I don't wince. I don't feel any pain. It's as if the life has been drained out of me. As if she took it with her when she...

I shake my head, leaving the thought welcomely unfinished. What's the point?

I take the pot in both hands and dump the water into the sink. The potatoes tumble to the floor, and I bend over and dump them in the bin. Drying my hands on a towel, I move towards the living room and sink into an armchair.

Everything reminds me of her. From the pictures of our wedding above the mantelpiece, to her jacket slung casually over a chair that Molly and Arthur must have missed on their "purge."

I close my eyes as the pain wells up inside me. I feel so old. In the darkness I can see her face - I can see her last moments.

In my minds eye, I see her racing towards me. I can see her crying out to me, pointing frantically. I turn just in time to ward off a curse from Dolohov that would certainly have killed me otherwise. We're able to embrace one last time. Right there in the middle of the battle.

And then we get separated.

"Remus?"

I jump as a voice drifts in the darkness, disturbing my thoughts. The lights, which have been extinguished until now, come on. In the sudden brightness, I blink and shield my eyes. Andromeda stands at the doorway, her dark eyes watching me.

"What are you doing sitting in the dark?"

I shrug but don't reply. She comes closer and sits on the sofa opposite me.

"Teddy's down for the night."

I nod, but still don't say anything.

"Where's dinner?"

"I wasn't hungry," I mutter. Andromeda raises her eyebrows.

"What about me?"

I cut my eyes to her. "Are you hungry?"

Her eyes darken. "Not really," she admits. "Still - you need to eat something, Remus."

"I'm fine." I almost laugh at this ridiculous statement. I'm so far away from being fine.

Andromeda keeps quiet, her eyes flicking to my arm. "What happened?" she asks, gesturing to it.

I glance down to find a large and angry-looking burn on the back of my left hand. I shrug.

"Boiling water."

Andromeda leans forward. "It looks nasty."

"It's fine." I pull my hand away.

"It doesn't look fine."

"I don't feel any pain."

Andromeda looks up at this statement. "I find that hard to believe."

"Believe what you want."

My words come out sounding slightly harsh, and I know I should be shocked by my tone, but I'm not. I'm always so polite to everyone. Well screw it. I don't care.

Yet Andromeda just continues to look at me, my words seeming to have no effect on her.

"How's your leg?" she asks softly. I shrug again.

"Fine."

"The doctors said after five weeks of bed rest in St. Mungo's, it might be a little stiff for a few days."

A stiff leg is the least of my worries. I don't even bother to respond.

Andromeda sighs and pulls away from me, standing up.

"You just want to be alone." She looks down at me, tears in her eyes. "I know. I lost a husband, too. But being alone is no good, Remus. You need to talk to someone."

"I don't need to talk to anyone."

Andromeda nods. "All right. But I'm staying here for a while."

"There's no need. I'll be fine."

This time it's Andromeda who doesn't respond. "Good night, Remus," she says, moving out of the room.

"'Night," I say softly as she leaves the room.

I reach out with my wand and the room darkens once more.

That's what I want: a dark void to curl up in. I want to be alone.

And yet I don't want to be alone.

I want Dora.

The fact that I can never be with her again makes my heart ache. The images flood into my mind, unbidden to the fact that I want to keep my mind blank.

During the battle, we get separated.

I'm suddenly fighting two Death Eaters at once, trying desperately to keep tabs on my wife and stay alive at the same time. I'm able to knock one to the floor where he lays still. The other fights with a renewed determination. I manage to curse him and he falls. I look around for my wife. I can't see her.

I struggle through the battling crowds in desperation, looking for her everywhere, calling her name, calling, calling...

I finally find her locked in a deadly battle with Bellatrix Lestrange. As I run towards them, I can see the deadly curse coming from a mile away. I scream out, desperate, but she can't hear me. Bellatrix's jet of light hits her squarely in the chest.

My scream of rage and horror vibrates in my chest as my wife drops like a stone to the tiled floor and lies still. My scream is echoed by one of triumph from Bellatrix as she disappears into the fray.

I scramble towards her and throw myself down beside her, checking frantically for a pulse, hoping beyond hope that it wasn't a direct hit, that somehow she survived, that she's okay.

Her body is still warm, but obviously lifeless. Her face is still and tranquil, not a mark upon her face, her skin smooth and silky. My tears fall onto her, and racking sobs make me shudder as I cradle my wife in my arms one last time.

I hear laughter and look up to see a Death Eater hovering over me, obviously enjoying my anguish, his shoulders shaking with amusement.

My own blood pounding in my ears, I reach out with my wand and strike. The jet of light arcs from my wand and hits the Death Eater in the chest. He looks shocked as he crumples to the ground.

I've just committed my first murder.

But I don't care anymore. I look back down at Dora, my heart pounding, tears still pouring down my face.

And then something hits me in the back.

I feel myself gasp as the pain radiates through me. I turn in time to see Bellatrix pointing her wand at me, snarling. I look down to see that the man I've just killed is Rodolphus - her husband.

An eye for an eye, I think savagely, as the pain increases and I take a gasping breath.

I crumple to the floor beside my wife, as my breathing becomes more and more difficult. My last thought before I pass out is that I'm going to die.

And I don't care.

I wake up in hospital four weeks later. Harry is by my bedside, keeping a vigil on the man everyone thought wouldn't pull through.

I wish I hadn't pulled through.

I even missed her funeral.

A scream rips into my thoughts and I sit bolt upright in the dark. It takes me a moment to realise it's Teddy who's wailing.

Her face is everywhere. I can't get it out of my mind. In the darkness, she swirls around me: her scent, her soul, her spirit.

I lean back in my chair. Andromeda will get Teddy.

But he continues to scream.

And still I'm too tired to move.

I don't want to go on. I can't go on. I can't.

I won't.

I feel a horrible desperation well up inside of me. What do I do? What can I do?

Teddy's screams increase in volume. And still Andromeda doesn't go to him.

She won't go to him. Because she wants me to.

"No," I whisper. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be me. I was supposed to go first."

My body feels like lead.

Teddy's wails reach a heartbreaking pitch, his tone reaching a new timbre. I force myself out of my chair, and shuffle through the darkened house to his room.

He's standing in his cot, his chubby hands grabbing the bars for support. His face is screwed up, his hair bright red, tiny tears pouring down his plump little face.

When he sees me he quiets somewhat but continues to cry, making sniffling baby noises. I note with surprise that my heart lurches - the first time since I woke from my coma that anything besides the thought of Dora has arisen any emotions in me.

I reach down and slowly pick him up into my arms. He quiets immediately, his face staring into mine, and slowly I wipe away his tears. I don't make a sound and either does he. For a moment, we just stare at each other, father and son, and I realise that he looks very much like his mother.

My eyes fill with tears as, for the first time since her death, I speak her name.

"Dora. You're going to miss so much."

I carry Teddy to the rocking chair in the corner of his room and sit down. Dora used to love to nurse him here. Many a time I'd wake up in the middle of the night and come in here to find her rocking him gently back to sleep, or otherwise just sitting and watching him.

My heart aches.

I look down at Teddy as I slowly begin to rock the chair, patting him gently. Teddy gives a soft, baby sigh and his eyes start to close.

My own eyes are still filled with tears as I look beyond the window and out into the night beyond. The moon hangs low in the sky, and is almost full. Soon it'll be time for the change again.

There's a sudden rustling noise and Andromeda shuffles into view and leans against the doorway, dressed in her slippers and robe. I look up.

"You needed to do this." She indicates Teddy, who's sleeping soundly in my arms.

I nod. "I know."

Andromeda approaches me, and I can see she's been crying. "You miss her very much."

"Yes." My voice is a whisper as I feel a burning at the back of my throat.

"I miss her too."

"I don't know how I'm going to go on without her," I say after a moment's hesitation.

"It's going to be hard, Remus." Andromeda is watching me again with those eyes of hers. Her eyes are so much like her daughters. "Every day is going to be a struggle. But you have to do it. If not for yourself - then for your son."

We both look down at Teddy, who looks so much like his mother. I nod.

"My son," I repeat. I look up. "And for Dora."

Andromeda nods, a tear slipping from the corner of her eye and snaking down her cheek. She pats me once on the shoulder and leaves the room, leaving me to put Teddy back into his cot.

And yet I don't. I look back down at my son.

"It's just you and me," I whisper to him, stroking his soft, downy hair. He doesn't stir. "I won't let you forget her."

I look up again at the moon as it shines brightly through the window, and feel a single tear slip, hot, down my face.

"Goodnight, Nymphadora," I murmur. "Wherever you are."

Authors Notes: Yep, that's it! So - did you like it? Hate it? Let me know! It's quite a sad story, I know - blame it on the Debussy I was listening to while writing it! Anyways - please, please, please review!