Sometimes

Disclaimer: The lyrics to Gollum's Song were written by Fran Walsh; I take no credit.

Sometimes

Where once was light

Sometimes Harry remembers his parents - remembers a smile, remembers feeling happy. Sometimes he looks at the photos he has, and convinces himself that the photos are real, that they're still alive because he can see them smiling and laughing, and how could he if they were dead?

Now darkness falls

Sometimes Harry thinks he's very good at lying to himself. Other times he can't believe the lies he tells, no matter how much he wants to. Sometimes he wants to destroy the photos for making him hope, only to find it crushed again.

Where once was love

Sometimes Harry remembers real hope, not the deluded fantasizing that's all he has now. Sometimes he thinks he knows how it felt to be wanted, sometimes he thinks he had a home, a real home.

Love is no more

Sometimes he laughs at himself for ever thinking he was really wanted, wanted for being Harry. Just Harry. No, he knows he was wanted for being James' son, for being a 'hero'. Wanted out of pity, like a lost puppy that can't fend for itself.

Don't say goodbye

Sometimes he wants them to want him, for any reason, as long as they want him. Sometimes he thinks that any home, any feeling is better than nothing. Sometimes he wishes he could just turn to them and cry, and have them comfort him.

Don't say I didn't try

Sometimes he thinks he's better off knowing he's unwanted than pretending he is. Sometimes he feels they wouldn't comfort him; they'd just tiptoe around him, afraid because he's so unstable. Because for everything he tries to do, for all he hopes, it never works out.

These tears we cry

Sometimes Harry cries to himself, curled up and hidden from the world. Sometimes he hides because he doesn't want them to see him so sad, because he doesn't want them to worry about him. Because he wants them to see him coping, being strong.

Are falling rain

Sometimes he does it out of fear, that they'll give him pity, give him a thousand meaningless words to try and make him believe they care. Sometimes he thinks they do it because they need him as a tool.

For all the lies you told us

Sometimes he thinks the world tells him lies to comfort him, because it's the only comfort he'll ever get. Sometimes he remembers the mirror of Erised, remembers feeling happy. Sometimes he remembers feeling despair because they were only pictures in a mirror. Sometimes he remembers the pain of losing his parents each time he left the mirror.

The hurt, the blame!

Sometimes Harry hates the world for what it did to, for what it made it him live with for so long. Sometimes he wishes he'd died with his parents, so he'd never have known a world with grief. Sometimes Harry hates his parents for dieing.

And we will weep to be so alone

Sometimes Harry can't help but love the world for allowing him to live. Sometimes he hates himself for that weakness.

We are lost

Sometimes Harry thinks love and hate are too similar; sometimes he just feels for the world, some strange mixture of all the emotions he has ever felt.

We can never go home

Sometimes Harry feels nothing. Sometimes the only way Harry can take the next step in time is to convince himself it won't hurt because he can't feel anything. Sometimes Harry feels like he's falling into the emptiness and no one notices because he doesn't want them to.

So in the end

Sometimes Harry thinks it would be easier not to take the next step. Sometimes it would be easier to lie down and give up, to tell the world that if it wants him to win, to save everyone, why won't it let him?

I'll be what I will be

Sometimes Harry thinks they made him different on purpose, whoever they were. Sometimes he thinks that if he is different, then why do so many people try to understand him? Sometimes he thinks no one cares what he wants or what he does, as long as in the end they get what they want.

No loyal friend

Sometimes Harry feels like shouting at them, telling them they don't care. Sometimes Harry feels it would be pointless; they already know. Sometimes Harry thinks he's the only who ever cares about him.

Was ever there for me

Sometimes Harry wonders why he should care about them if they don't care about him. Sometimes Harry wonders why he cares about anything. Sometimes Harry doesn't care; sometimes it's easier not to care. Not to notice.

Now we say goodbye

Sometimes Harry wishes he could just leave them. Sometimes the side of dark seems safer than the side of light. Sometimes he loves it when he knows for sure he's hated; sometimes he thinks hatred is the only way to care.

We say you didn't try

Sometimes Harry feels like making people see. Sometimes he wants to stand in front of them and say 'Look! I've given all I have, I have nothing left.' Sometimes he doubts they'd notice, just demand more. Sometimes he wonders how he could try harder to do anything.

These tears you cry

Sometimes Harry thinks they want his tears. Sometimes Harry wonders what they'd do if he turned on them. Sometimes Harry wonders why they haven't already expected him to, and taken some precautions. Sometimes Harry thinks they have.

Have come too late

Sometimes Harry thinks he's already turned on them, that this is the way he rebels against them. Sometimes Harry wonders why he bothers, if this is the best rebellion he can do.

Take back the lies

Sometimes that's the only thing that makes Harry actually do something. Sometimes the spells he puts most of himself into is the ones they don't want him to know. Sometimes Harry laughs at them for trying to keep him 'safe'.

The hurt, the blame!

Sometimes Harry wonders what safe was, what safety he ever had. Sometimes he thinks his life was written in pain. Sometimes he longs for pain because it's the only thing he ever feels, the only thing that proves he's alive.

And you will weep

Sometimes Harry wants them to cry, wants them to feel the hurt he felt. Sometimes he can see himself, holding the wand and saying to them, 'Do you notice me now? Now do you care?' Sometimes he treasures their tears as much as he hates his own.

When you face the end alone

Sometimes he feels guilt to see the people he once longed for, standing in a nervous army in front of him. Sometimes he wants to tell them why he left them leaderless, without hope. Sometimes he just wants to take away their despair, because he knows what it's like.

You are lost

Sometimes as he walks away from them he thinks he did the right thing. Sometimes he burns their empty shell and leaves it burning. Sometimes he thinks they're happy to leave the misery of the world behind.

You can never go home

Sometimes he wishes he could follow them. Sometimes he wants to go with them to a happy life.

You are lost

Sometimes he wonders if he'd find happiness as hard to bear as love, as the despair he feels for someone he once loved. Sometimes he doesn't care.

You can never go home

Only one time he made the choice. And for eternity afterwards, there were no more sometimes for Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived.

- Fin -