Feeble

***

Bitter, angry words that assault my thoughts. Why must they be like that? They first tell me that I can be anything I want and that I shouldn't take crap from anyone, not even the Slytherins. Then they, my 'friends' turn around and snip at me about the littlest things. So I smudged Sirius' seat cover on his motorbike. I dropped a galleons worth of Chocolate Frogs on the ground on accident. Junie Prewett, of Hufflepuff, did ask me to the dance. I'm not worthless...so why do I feel like it?

I can't explain away my frustrations to 'them'. Sirius just rolls his eyes and goes back to what he was doing before I so rudely interrupted him. Remus listens to me but tells me to shrug it off. James is too busy snogging Lily or dealing with his Head Boy duties that he hardly notices me anymore. Don't get me wrong - it never used to be this bad. We were considered the Marauders amongst our peers and teachers because that is what we did best. Midnight was our time to shine - to become infamous in the minds of our friends and enemies.

But it all began to change. Slowly, surely, it all went downhill. As they grew more interested in girls, rifts began to grow between the rest of them and myself. Sirius was preoccupied with his not-so-hidden feelings for Julia while Remus was considering proposing to Amaia - quickly dashed as she ended their relationship for lack of honesty (on Remus' part about his Lycanthropy - he still hasn't told her where he goes every full moon). James actually did propose to Lily - they are set to get married three months after school lets out. As for me...aside from Junie Prewett suddenly becoming daring and inviting me to the Midnight Ball...all is quiet on the western front.

And that is where it all begins. Sirius becomes snippy whenever the subject of girlfriend's approaches - he still refuses to tell Julia how he really feels about her and meanwhile becoming uncharacteristically serious about life in general. It's very scary to watch, especially since Sirius is usually so...energetic. Not only that, but his stream of girlfriends has stopped abruptly (in large part of his apparent fascination with Julia) and that makes him angry. Well, frustrated is more like it. The one girl it seems he can't have is the one he's dying to get.

It's very, very hard to live with three guys who have such different personalities and have excellent ways of using them against you. I used to be able to stand up to them, especially when at least one of them was on my side. But now it's three to one and not even Jolene can make them stop their tirades.

Of course, the one thing you must never do to Sirius at this point in time is make quippy remarks about Sirius and Julia.

This is where the anger intensifies. You can feel it burn against your skin - melting it into rubber. His eyes scour you clean...his fists clench up and his stance reveals he's ready to swing at you.

Mistake. Big mistake. You have to watch your footing around him. You really do. And calling me feeble...that is the last thing that I am. I'm brave - I'm a Gryffindor, aren't I? I'm loyal, just and a good friend. I've always been there. During the period when James was courting Lily, who was there for Sirius and Remus? I was. And the thanks that I get is being called feeble. I'm not feeble. He says it in such a way that makes me sound and feel daft and stupid. I'm not any of those...am I?

Ever since the end of sixth year, I've felt a type of pull. I can't describe it and can't place where it started. But it makes me feel tingly and...well, quite bad. But not the bad as in 'I've just dyed McGonagall's hair purple' bad. Evil bad. That's what it is. And what's worse is that I've found myself consorting with the enemy - the Slytherins - quite a few times, when no other Gryffindors are around. It scares me, but at the same time, it adds mystery and excitement to my life that I haven't felt in a year. And it feels good. Scary, but good.

The word amongst the Slytherins is that you-know-who is gaining power and support. And what is better is that he's promised all his followers something that they would never have anywhere else. Power. Wealth. However, it's something that I'm scared of. What if 'they' ever found out I'd been consorting with Slytherins? Or if they knew that I actually considered joining you-know-who? Their trust and loyalty has kept me alive and happy for six years. But it's not there anymore. And I know that they probably don't berate me on purpose, but it seems as though they are doing it more often and not exercising control over their emotions and actions. It's very galling. I'm too afraid of what might happen should this go on any longer. Because I know that the consequences will far outweigh the benefits.