A Time Gone By

April 13^th, 1975

It was the day before my fifteenth birthday. I knew I needed to tell them. I had no idea what their responses would be. Maybe they would hate me. Maybe they would be nervous around me. Maybe they would just accept it as another strange thing about me. They had accepted me as a werewolf; could they accept this as well? I didn't know; it wasn't something people talked about. I had called them altogether because I thought that I was ready to tell them, I thought I would be brave enough.

"What is it, Rem?" Sirius said, looking like an eager puppy dog.

"Is something wrong, Remus?" James asked, with worry in his eyes. Peter didn't say a word, he just stood there with a quizzical look on his face.

"Well," I began. I took deep breath, you can do this Remus. "It really depends on your response, but, yes, I guess something is wrong." Merlin, this was hard to say.

"What is it? You can tell us," that was James, always wanting to do good (or make mischief).

"This is just...it's really hard to say..." I almost stuttered, be brave, Remus, you're in Gryffindor.

"You can tell us anything, you know that, don't you, Remus?" Oh, Sirius looked so handsome, his hair was a bit long and it curled, he wore a beautiful smile and sat on his bed and looked expectant. Those words...did he know?

"Um...I just wanted to let you know that...that I'm gay." I had said it! "If you want me to sleep in the common room or whatever, I will," I immediately added. Nice way with words Remus, I thought sarcastically.

James spoke first, "Oh, Remus, do you really think that? We don't care what your sexuality is! Of course you can stay in our room!"

Peter was next, "I don't really care either but...you know I'm straight, right?" Did Peter really think that badly of me?

"I'm not coming on to any of you! I just wanted to let you know! Really!" I shouldn't sound so angry; Peter didn't mean to sound that way. I might have reacted that same way if I were straight and somebody said that.

"Thanks for trusting us enough to tell us, Rem. Nobody thinks you're coming on to them, we're just glad to have you as our friend," very wise, kind words for Sirius.

"Of course I trust you guys, you're my best friends! I just didn't know what you'd think of having a gay werewolf in your room."

June 30^th, 1995

I came out of the memory in a daze. I was no longer fifteen, I was thirty-five and it was Harry and his friends who were fifteen. I wonder if any of them had to do what I did. I hope there are less prejudices in schools today, but I doubt it. I would bet that Hermione and Harry would be pretty open-minded about it. But Ron? I wouldn't know, but Ron doesn't seem to like new things to happen. But he'd get over it if someone, even if it was Harry, came out to him.

I missed teaching. I wished I could be back at Hogwarts with them. Harry's birthday was coming soon, next month in fact. Just then an owl swooped in through the window.

It was from Dumbledore. And it said that Sirius was coming to "lie low" at my place. Sirius! A rush of longing coursed through me. Remus, no, I told myself warningly. He is coming so he can have a safe place to stay. You have no idea how he feels now, any way. He was in prison for twelve years; he may have changed more than his letters shared. Oh, Merlin, I have waited so long for this. Thinking he was guilty was the worse thing to happen to me, ever!

I quickly began getting the house ready for a guest. I lived in a wood far away from any village, just as an extra precaution. I was able to make the wolfsbane potion for my self now, although it wasn't as well made as Severus would have been able to make it. Just incase something went wrong, I locked myself in the basement before the transformation, and just in case I somehow got out I lived far away from any humans. I hate being a werewolf, I hate knowing that a part of me wants to kill, tear flesh from humans. I shivered and kept cleaning. The memories came again:

For the rest of the year I didn't "come out" to anyone else. I was content in knowing that my friends accepted me for who I was, I didn't need the taunts from the Slytherins, especially that git Snape. I didn't need the people staring at me and moving away when I walked by. I was already different enough, without this.

There was thing I wished for, besides not wanting to be a werewolf. I wished that Sirius would "come out" like I did, but I knew that he was straight as a board. At fifteen he hadn't been on a date but half the girls swooned over him and he flirted right back. He, James, and Peter discussed the best looking girls. James was already in love with Lily Evans, a fifth year, and hardly looked at any other girl. They never asked me who I fancied, not that I would ever tell them. Never, ever.

Before I knew it, it was summer, and we were going home for the holidays. I knew I should tell my mum that she couldn't expect any grandchildren and all that, but I was too scared. I was even more afraid that my father would think I was perverted, he thought it was bad enough that I was a werewolf. There it was again, being a homosexual and being a werewolf--why were they so interconnected in my life? I couldn't think of one without thinking of the other. Was it just because they both set me apart from most people?

I finally did tell Mum. She asked me about girlfriends and I knew I had to tell her.

"Well, you see Mum," I began nervously, "First of all; none of the Marauders have girlfriends, yet."

"And you won't do anything before James or Sirius does it first, will you, dear?"

"Well, it's not really, um, just, um, that Mum."

"Well, I never! You never say 'um' several times. You may be shy but you don't act like this. What is the matter, Remus?"

Well here goes nothing, "Sorry, Mum, it's just that I, um, don't like girls."

"Is that what you were worried about, honey? Telling me you don't like girls? Of course, it isn't yet clear to me if you mean to say you don't feel old enough for girls or that you like boys instead!"

Oh, bloody hell, "I like, I like boys, Mum." I hung my head, ashamed and blushing. I felt horrible, what was she going to say, think, do...

"Oh, darling, come here...no don't cry, give your Mum a hug. I still love you, honey, yes, I'm sorry I won't have grandchildren but I'll love you no matter how you live. Never think the contrary, deary, I'm glad you had the courage to tell me." I was dumbfounded by her little speech. I was so relieved she wasn't angry. I fell into her arms and wept with relief and gratitude. My big fifteen year old self, crying like a baby.

My father didn't kill me, or even physically torture me, but that was really just because my mother told him, and not me. He basically didn't speak to me the rest of the summer, and I heard him mutter things like "perverted" and "I raised him to be a man, and what do I get? A little girl" whenever I walked near him. It hurt me terribly and my self-esteem completely disappeared. It was a relief to get back to school, but I felt more out of place there than ever.

Both James and Sirius snagged girls right away. James was a prefect and the new captain for the Quidditch team. Sirius was a trouble maker and deadly handsome. They had dates for the first Hogsmead weekend, and every Hogsmead weekend after that. James was upset that Lily Evans, since she's a year older, wouldn't go with him, so he asked Sarah Jones, a Gryffindor in our year, to go with him. Sarah, like most of the girls at the school, loved James Potter, and was perfectly willing to go even as a second choice. Arabella Figg, a prefect from Ravenclaw, went with Sirius. We had been sort of friends with Arabella, but that day I hated her. I felt like she had stolen Sirius from me, even though I knew he would never look at me. I didn't go to Hogsmead that day.

The year went by and Lily finally went out with James. Sirius went out with just about every eligible girl at the school, at least it seemed that way to me. My transformations each month seemed more painful than before. I hated myself for being gay, I hated myself for being a werewolf, and I hated myself for being in-love with one of my best-friends. It got to the point where I wanted to die. Not even James knew what to do to keep me from feeling left out when they would talk about girls or go on dates. Even Peter had managed to snag a girlfriend. Her name was Anna Lee and she was a fourth year in Hufflepuff. I started a diary just to get some of my emotion out on the page. I wrote poetry as a way to express my feelings:

I am trapped in a box of black

Where no light ever shines

Trapped here, a coward, in the darkness

No one knows, no one hears

I am being squeezed by invisible hands

Blocking my voice

Slowly killing me

I am caught at the base of the mountain

I have to climb

My mind tries to free its trap

As my body struggles against its binds

Stuck tight in imaginary walls

That no one else can see

And they do not take the hints

I drop so subtly

I do not cry out

For I do not want to be found

Most of the time

I am lost

And my body withers and fades

As my soul is thrown mercilessly out to beg for food

While my mind goes crazy in the dark

I needed my friends more than I ever had before, and even though they were there and they would run with me at night, now that they were animagi, they were not with me when I needed them most. They did not notice that I was depressed and wishing I had silver to stab myself with half the time. The other half wishing I could love Sirius. My poetry saved me for a time but I knew it was only time until I became brave enough to kill myself.

I was just depressing myself with these memories, everything turned out alright in the end didn't it? But underneath everything I knew I was still depressed and angry like that teenage boy. Since Sirius had been put in Azkaban I had attempted suicide twice and contemplated it often. Nobody would guess under my calm, if a bit tired, appearance that I had wanted nothing more but to die for most of my life. All of my close friends were dead, or so I had thought, and my very best friend was in jail for killing them. And at the time I believed it. I had to believe it. It would have been worse if I had believed his innocence. To think Sirius thought that I was a Death Eater. I hadn't known that he thought that until a little while before James and Lily's deaths. He didn't trust me. I was a werewolf. And that hurt. It hurt terribly that one of the only people who said they trusted me completely, even though I was a werewolf, thought this. Some one who told me that I was good, that I was right, that I was wonderful... At first he wouldn't tell me who the Secret Keeper for the Potter's was. This was what got me suspicious. Then he told me it was going to be him. So, was he willing to fight his best friend for two of his other best friends? I'm not sure what he was trying to do.

I gathered up all my laundry and put it a pile to wash. I put fresh sheets on the guest bed. I already set up an old shed for Buckbeak to sleep in. I try not to think but the memories still come.

My diary entries varied a whole lot that year. Some were basically newsy:

"Some people are saying James and Lily will never stay together, that they argue too much and are too different. But I disagree, they compliment each other perfectly and their 'arguments' are either calm debates and sharing of ideas or just friendly banter. Nobody says that James and Sirius won't stay friends when they tease each other and nobody says James and I won't stay friends when we debate styles of magic. I don't understand why with Lily it should be so different. Maybe it's because she's a year older and they think the boy should be older or the same age. Maybe it's that they think the girl should be more cowed, I don't know. I think that they make a perfect couple. James is already depressed that she'll graduate a year before him. I don't know how far they've gotten. I really don't even want to know, but it's something you think about when your friends are that close. Yes, I now consider Lily Evans a friend. She is nice to everyone, helpful, smart, witty, and doesn't mind all the practical jokes the Marauders play."

To very depressed ones:

"I hate myself. I hate life. I hate everybody and everything. I wish I could die. I want to curl up and die. Fall into a hole, just disappear. Nobody would ever notice. I wouldn't be in pain and I would be in peace. Which is probably why I can't die. I don't deserve peace. I just want to escape because I am so horrible. I'm not even a full human. I can't even say that I'm a horrible person. Damn it! Fuck life. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Not literally, of course. I'm too scared to kill myself. Please, just somebody kill me. Please..."

This, of course, is the one Sirius walked in on me writing. At the time I thought it was the worse thing to happen. I didn't want anybody to know how depressed I was. I had to hide it. It was a selfish thing to want out. I didn't see or hear him until he was leaning over my shoulder. I grabbed my book away, wondering how much he had seen.

"You hate yourself, Remus?" Such simple words, yet it made be burst into tears and lie there, in his arms crying. In his arms! I couldn't believe it. I struggled to get out of his comforting hug, knowing I would do something stupid if I didn't stop touching him.

"Remus, Remus, what's the matter? Why do you hate yourself? Why didn't you say something to me, James, or Peter? Please tell me what's wrong." He was so gentle and kind, so unlike the Sirius outside of this room that I found myself telling him. I didn't tell him that I loved him; obviously, I told him how horrible I was, though. Horrible for being gay, horrible for being a werewolf, horrible for not being the perfect son, friend, student, etc...

"Oh, Rem, Remy, I'm so sorry...Why didn't you say something sooner. Rem, you aren't like that all! There is nothing wrong with being gay. You don't fault Lily for liking men do you? Or Arabella, do you? There's nothing wrong with fancying men! And being a werewolf, that's not your fault at all! Well, neither is being gay...but you know what I mean. But seriously, Moony, you're a wonderful person...smart, brilliant, even, so kind, gentle, nice, beautiful, loving, great friend...I'm ever so sorry that your father can't accept you for who you are, but you are a wonderful person, Remus. Please believe me...please..." I just sat there sniffling. I wanted to believe him, I really did, but something held me back.

"Girls are supposed to like guys, Sirius!" I spoke meanly, sharply, "Boys are not supposed to fancy other boys. It's perverted, it's wrong, it's, it's just not right! And, well, I'm starting to think Snape is right...maybe werewolves should just be killed to not risk hurting anyone. I certainly deserve to die..."

"No you don't! Moony, can't you please listen to me! You're way nicer than me; you are the best friend any one could ask for! Everyone likes you Remy. You are a great person with many talents."

"They wouldn't like me if they knew I was a werewolf! And they wouldn't like me if they knew I was gay!"

"Some would be horrible like that, it's true, but others wouldn't care. I'll bet Lily wouldn't care. She might actually think you braver because of it!"

I sighed; I really need to get out of the past, stop thinking about all this. It's just getting me really depressed. Sirius will be here soon; I need to finish getting ready for his visit. But I couldn't stop thinking about that day...because that evening...Stop it! Finish dusting this room. Make a nice meal for Sirius when he comes in. My thoughts of the past didn't leave, though.

That night, I was the only one awake in the dorm. Peter and Sirius were asleep, and James was Merlin knows where, with Lily. I got out of bed, silently, and crept over to Sirius' bed. I pushed the curtains out of the way, slightly, so I could see his face. He slept so deeply. The half-moon shone through the window, reminding me of things I didn't want to think about. I watched his peaceful face. He was so handsome, and usually so devilish, but while he was a sleep he looked very peaceful. Suddenly, a hand touched my shoulder. I jumped and spun around, the curtain closed with a whisper.

"James!" I said in a whisper-yell, "I thought...I was...it's just..."

"Shhhh, we'll talk in the common room. No one's there right now." I followed James out of the room, shocked to have been caught, not knowing what to do.

"You love him don't you?" James said bluntly when we had settled on a couch in front of the fire. I didn't answer. He knew! James knew! What was I going to do? Before I could stop myself I started to cry. I would lose Sirius', James', and Peter's friendships to this. I would lose the only thing that kept me alive. Without even meaning to, I began to plan how I would die in my head.

"Oh, Moony, I'm sorry...I'm sorry about everything..."James said. What? James was sorry about what? I should be begging for forgiveness for being a pervert and fancying my own friend!

"Sirius told me that you hate yourself...I should have noticed something was wrong. I'm so sorry I haven't been there for you, Remus. I was too wrapped up in Lily, who, by the way, had noticed something was wrong and asked me if you had a 'thing' for Siri, but I didn't pay any attention to what she was saying. I've been so dense, and I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?"

I couldn't believe what James was saying! I didn't understand why he was saying this. I stared at him with tear streaked face and hands with a bewildered look on my face.

"What?" I managed to croak out, "Why...why are you apologizing? I don't...don't understand." I choked back tears as I talked.

"Oh, Remus, you really do feel that way don't you? I can't believe none of us noticed it! Remus, listen to me. You are a good person, just like Sirius said. There is nothing wrong with you. I'm not really sure what else to tell you...Lily is better at this kind of thing..."he trailed off.

"Everything's wrong with me!" I responded angrily. I was crying, I was such a wimp, a sissy, a cry-baby, a, a, a little girl! Just like my father had said. A fresh wave of tears threatened to engulf me. I took a deep breath and held it, trying to stop crying.

"Oh, Moony, come on now! There isn't anything wrong with you! You can cry if you need to...but...I don't know...never mind." James stopped, and took a deep breath as well. "You talked to Padfoot about some of the things you're upset about. But obviously you felt like you couldn't talk about liking him, like that. You can talk to me, though. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. If I were gay than I would probably like Padfoot, too! I mean everyone can tell that he's good looking, and, well, he is my best-friend, obviously I think he's a great person! I can understand that it's probably pretty painful to watch him date all those girls." I nodded my head, agreeing with him on this part. "But, well...I don't know, but there still is some hope. He could be bisexual, you know. I'll ask Lily what she thinks. She's always observing people."

"But...how can you say its right that I like, like Sirius? He's a boy!"

"I am well aware of Sirius' gender, but you don't think it's wrong for the girls he dates to have feelings for him, do you? Being gay, opposed to popular belief, is perfectly natural. Really, lot's of people are gay, just many of them haven't come out yet."

A knock on the door, Sirius was late as usual. By about twenty-minutes. I took the shepherd's pie out of the oven, and lay it on the cooling rack.

"Coming!" I called towards the door. I hurried through the hall as the knock came again. I opened the door. There stood Sirius. It had started to rain lightly and he was wet, but wore good robes, not the shabby clothes he had on the last time I'd seen him. He looked much healthier than he had before.

"Remus!" he cried and took me into a bear hug. A friendship hug. I knew that's all it was, yet I knew I was as in love with him as I was when I was fifteen.

"Sirius, it is so good to see you. I'm glad you seem to be in good health." I smiled at him. He grinned back.

"Oh, Moony, Arabella just had to feed me up when I visited her, and Dumbledore gave me the robes." He was as beautiful as always.

"I made you some dinner, Padfoot my friend, would you like to get out of the rain and come in? Oh, did you put Buckbeak in the shed?" I pulled him inside as I talked. He shook his head. "Here, sit down, the shepherd's pie still has to cool a little. I'll get Buckbeak, and put him in the shed. I made a little place for him."

"Thank you so much, for, for everything, Remmy. It is really kind of you to take me in on such short notice and all. I mean to have set up a shed for Buckbeak? That's just pure generosity."

I smiled at him, as I put on my boots, "It's nothing really, Siri, it's what friends do for each other." I stepped out into the light rain I saw Buckbeak tied to a tree and walked toward him.

"Hey Buckbeak!" I called. He looked up at me, fire in his eyes. When I got close enough, I bowed low to him. He looked at me, as if unsure if I was worthy, and then "bowed" back. I reached forward and patted his beak, while untying his rope with the other hand. "Come on, Beaky, come on. Good boy." He slowly followed me, and I was able to put him in the large shed. He had food and water and shelter and hay, to sleep on. It was enough for tonight.

I went back into the house. Sirius had found the silverware and finished setting the table.

"Thank you, Sirius, for setting the table..." I said. Sirius just shrugged.

"It's nothing." There was a pause as I took the serving spoon and dug it into the shepherd's pie. "Moony...oh never mind..." I gave Sirius a quizzical look.

"Here, you must be starving. Eat up, I made it the way you like it! Or did like it. Your tastes may have changed from fourteen years ago..." Why can't I act normal around him?

"No, no, I love your cooking! You know, I do. I haven't changed that much!"

"Good." I said, smiling shyly. I was acting like a teenager again, Merlin!

We talked about what Harry was up to, the people Sirius had talked to on his journey; casual conversation. It was nice being just able to talk with him. He was my friend first, always first. It was getting late when we finished out dessert (Cappuccino Crunch Ice cream, which we both loved).

"Let me finish showing you around the house," I offered. As I showed him around the old house, I kept thinking about Hogwarts.

Somehow, with my friends help, I survived the rest of the year. I spent most of the summer at James' hous., Lily was there a lot too, Sirius came for the last month before school, and Peter came for the last two weeks. It was a great summer, but I was still depressed when I returned to school. I was feeling better about being a werewolf and being gay, but I still had not come to terms with being in love with Sirius.

"Hey Padfoot!"

"Hey Moony! Ready for tonight?"

"As ready as I ever am...are you sure that...well, it just seems...what if I do get away some how?"

"You never do, Moony, it'll be fine. Prongs and I can handle you. Don't worry." He grinned that deadly handsome grin at me. That really should be illegal. My knees turned to water as usual; it was just work to keep standing and look natural.

I guess I had a funny look on my face though because Sirius said, "If you're really that worried Rem, we won't go out...but I thought..."

"I do like it, its fine. Just last year I almost killed Snape...and he found out and all..."

"That was my fault, Remus," he went all serious (hehe) on me, "Completely and entirely my fault--don't you dare blame yourself! You didn't do anything wrong!" He was so sweet! My friends were now monitoring me for any signs of depression. Constantly trying to keep my spirits up.

"It wasn't really your fault...I mean Snape was being a git...and I am a werewolf. If I wasn't there then there wouldn't have been a problem. I know, I know, it's not my fault I'm a werewolf, but anyway...new subject!"

They always did this to me, "it's not your fault" "there's nothing wrong with you," etc... I was glad they cared but sometimes I just wanted to be left alone in my own misery.

Lily finally asked me this summer if I were a werewolf and I told her the truth. She said she had suspected it for years, but had never asked me. She hadn't even asked James because she thought that it was only right to ask me. I'm really glad she did that.

I forced myself out of my reverie.

"...and this is the guest bedroom. I got it cleaned up for you today, so the sheets are fresh and everything even if they're a bit worn."

"Thanks, Remus. You've been such a great friend. I wanted to say...well, I wrote something for you. Read it somewhere else. It's ok if...well, just read what it says and don't feel any obligation..." he smiled and handed me a folded up piece of paper. "I wrote it while at Arabella's." I smiled back, a little confused and took the paper from him.

"Good night, Sirius, it's nice to have you here."

"'Night, Remy, thanks for being such a good host."

I walked towards my room and unfolded the paper he had given me. His scrawling handwriting covered the page. I could tell it was a poem right away. A poem...we used to write each other poems.

Lily and James came to me one afternoon near my seventeenth birthday.

"Remus," Lily said sweetly, "I'm not absolutely, positively, certain but..., this isn't a joke, I think Sirius fancies you back." I looked at her, going, yeah right and I'm bumble bee. But she persisted, "No, I'm serious, I've been watching him and you. He'll look at you when you aren't watching..."

"And I saw him searching around your bed. When I caught him, he looked just like I did when I stole one of Lily's quills in 4^th year just so I could have something that was hers. When Arabella caught me, I looked just like he did. I swear!" James quickly added.

"Now, I'll be leaving in a few months," the so-called brilliant Head girl told me, "And the best thing I can give you is the information to act soon, before it's too late!"

"Lily, James, stop fooling with me! I know Sirius is dating Rebecca Edwards, no wait; he broke up with her, I think he's with Alison Porter...again. Is this the fifth time? I don't remember now...maybe it's the sixth..." I was babbling, but I didn't care, "Can't you see he likes girls?!" I finally said.

"Remus, stop this, your hurting yourself," Lily spoke kindly, but it only made me angrier.

"And you aren't hurting me? Telling me he likes me when he obviously doesn't?"

"Moony! Stop this, right now! Listen to us. Sirius could easily be bi, really. And he is obviously not serious with any of the girls he dates. He has new ones every week. He told me he kept trying girls out trying to find the one that's right for him. Like I found with Lily. We," he looked at Lily, and then back at me, "think that you are his right one. That if he would just notice you he would stop flinging himself at girls and breaking their hearts..."

"He treats them like toys!" Lily interrupted, "He can be such an ass sometimes. He doesn't even realize when he's hurt someone!" I wanted to defend him, but I knew Lily was right about this; he did treat girls horribly sometimes.

"Anyway," James continued, "we think he may have finally noticed you. We think that you need to talk to him..." I openly blanched, "Or at least write a letter."

"Or maybe one of your wonderful poems!" Lily interjected again, "To tell him how you feel."

So I wrote a poem. I didn't know if I would send it or not, but I wrote it anyway.

Dear Sirius,

I have often wondered how to tell you this. Lily suggested I write a poem, so I will try my best.

My first friend, my best friend,
How could I survive

Without you, Sirius?

You've kept me alive.
You were always there for me,
You guided me through pain,
You have always cared for me,
I wish I could've done the same.
I love you.

At first it was the love of a friend,
Like the love a brother,
But soon I felt something more,
And the kind of my love was another
Welling up inside my body,
For so long, I did not let myself feel
I hid it from myself, from all.
I willed that this could not be real.
But I love you.

I had hope once that you loved me too,
But now I know that you do not,
How could you love me that way?
Friend-love for me is all you've got.
How could you love me more
Than you love a friend or a brother?
You have not yet found your true love,
But surely it must be another.
Yet I love you.

I think of you constantly,
I cannot let it show,
I do not know what you see,
But I cannot let you know.
Yet it's hard to believe
You haven't noticed, realized
That I love you, am in love with you,
I guess I shouldn't be surprised
But I love you.

I'm telling you 'cause you need to know,
It's only fair to you.
And, through a slim possibility,
That you love me too,
I want you to know this.
I love you.

Ok, so it wasn't the greatest poem, but I'm not even going to send this to you, so it doesn't matter. If, for whatever reason, I do give it to you, please don't hate me. You have the right to, but our friendship means everything to me.

Sincerely,

Remus

So that was the letter I crumpled up and hid in my trunk. I didn't trust putting into the dustbin, someone might look through it. I had more trust in my friends than I should have. A few days later Sirius came up to me. His face had a combination of confused, happy, and scared written on it. Not good.

"Uh, Remus, uh...James gave me this." He held a crumpled piece of parchment in his hand. Uh oh. "Do, do you mean this?" he asked, he looked kind of scared.

"I'm not sure what you...you're talking about," I said quickly. Please don't be that piece of paper; please don't be that piece of paper, please...

"Well, I thought it might just be one of James' jokes, but it did look so much like your handwriting. I wonder if we could make something like the Marauder's Map that detects forgery..." I had taken the piece of paper from him while he was talking. My face went ashen, my hands were white and I lost a grip on the paper. My secret was out. James had betrayed me. He had stolen from me and given the paper to Sirius. And now Sirius knew.

Sirius finally noticed that something was wrong. "Remus? Remus, you look ill. Are you alright?" I just stared him, not really hearing what he was saying. Suddenly something dawned on him.

"Remus? Is...are you...is it true?" He said this very softly. I bent my head; I couldn't look at him. "Remus? Is it true? Please tell me!" His voice was urgent, but kind. Was it possible? Could he love me too? No, of course not. But tell the truth, just in case. I nodded my head. I felt nauseas.

"Really?" he asked. I nodded again; full of shame and sorrow. "Well, I, well, I think I love you too, Moony."

So that was my first love poem. Well, it did start an arrangement of ours. We wrote poems to each other often after that. It took a year for us to become real lovers. At the end of 7^th year, when we were both eighteen, we first made-love to each other. We moved into the same apartment, across town from James and Lily, who were also sharing one. Peter lived with his mother in a nearby town. We all got together often. James and Lily were both Aurors. Lily's dad had died while she was at school. James never knew his mom. Sirius worked for Gringotts and I got work when I could. Nobody wanted to hire a werewolf. Peter and Anna Lee had split off earlier.. He didn't have a real job either. He hadn't done well enough in school to get a good job. It was during this time that I wrote my best poem:

The first time I saw your face,

I thought the sun rose in your eyes

And the clouds and the stars were gifts you gave

To the peaceful skies,

My love

To the peaceful skies.

The first time I ever kissed your mouth

I felt the earth move in my hand

Like the trembling heart of a captive bird

That was there at my command,

My love,

That was there at my command.

The first time I ever lay with you

And felt your heart beat close to mine

I thought our joy would fill the earth

And last 'til the end of time,

My love,

And last 'till the end of time.

The whole time we were together, Sirius cheated on me twice. I forgave him like I always did. James and Lily got married that winter. Lily was pregnant. James was barely twenty years old. The next year was happy and full of love and joy. Harry was the sweetest little baby. Lily's mum died shortly after Harry was born. And James's dad died around the same time mine did a few months later.

And then, Sirius thought that I was a Death Eater. Peter became James and Lily's secret keeper, without my knowledge. They were killed. Sirius was arrested and Peter disappeared. Now, fourteen years later, having hugged once, and written rather sporadically to each other, Sirius was at my house, and had written me a poem.

There was a time gone by

When my heart brushed the sky

And simple love was the love I knew.

We walked as one back then

Untouched by why or when

Now once again I remember you.

We danced, we clicked our heels,

We dreamed in feathered fields

And told the stories that lovers tell.

You sang the songs I knew

And made them all seem true,

With the voice that I loved so well.

Did I ever tell you your name was music to me?

Did I ever show you from the start?

Did I ever know we would fly, oh, fly away?

Did I offer you my heart?

But we were younger then

And touched by restless wind

Soon vivid colors of love turned blue.

Now I wonder how you've grown

And run the roads you've known

And once again I remember you.

Did I ever tell you your name was music to me?

Did I ever show you from the start?

Did I ever know we would fly, oh, fly away?

Did I offer you my heart?

So time has come and gone,

You sing another song,

Yet I still linger beneath your spell.

And how I long to hear

Those words you whispered near,

With the voice that I loved so well.

It was the most beautiful poem ever. I was sure of it. Sirius was still the same person as before. Maybe not exactly the same, but nobody was exactly the same after so long. But he still loved me. I knew he did. I loved him too. I had to go to him. I wasn't sure if I was ready for everything, though. It had been fourteen years. I would have to get to know him again. But, still, I knew that if he could write this poem that he was basically the same, and that comforted me. I went back down the hall to the guest bedroom. I tapped softly at the door.

"Siri?" I whispered. The door opened immediately.

"Moony?" he whispered back, concern on his face.

"Thank you," I said simply, "that was your best effort yet." I leaned forward and kissed him. What was meant to be a soft kiss of returning, became passionate and deep. When we broke away, Sirius was panting.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to do that, Rem," he spoke, hoarse with emotion.

"Oh, but I do, Padfoot, but I do."