Outward Appearances

Chapter 25: Trust Issues and Kneazle Hairs

Lily remained silent the entire ride to the train station.

She said as little as necessary while they boarded the train and found an available compartment.

She sat stiffly next to James, who had his arm around her shoulders, while he had a lengthy debate with Arabella over something she couldn't even attempt to focus on. Beelzebub had deserted her and wandered over to where Marcella's cat, Timberlie, was nestled with Vivian's cat, Barnaby.

There really weren't words to describe how Lily felt right then.

Her throat was tight. Her gut was clenching. Her hands were shaking.

Well, maybe there were words.

Betrayed. Stupid. Dirty. Used.

It was all very similar to what she had experienced on the night she had pulled off the stag mask, expecting a stranger, only to find James behind it. Only this time, she couldn't run away from it. She was trapped on the Hogwarts Express, and there was nothing she could do about it.

Oh, James. What had he done?

A part of her wanted to just repress everything McCoy had said into the deep recesses of her brain, never to be let out. She could just continue to sit there, with James' arm around her, and pretend that everything was perfectly normal. One one-thousandth... Two one-thousandth... Three one-thousandth... See? She was still there, next to James. She could probably even manage it all the way to Platform 9 ¾ without having a breakdown.

Lily didn't have to confront James about anything. He didn't even have to know that the altercation with McCoy had ever taken place. No one else knew what McCoy had said to her. No one that mattered, anyway. Lily would never have to think about any of it ever again. Her relationship could remain intact, and she could retain that happy feeling that had been accompanying her ever since she and James had made peace about his charade as the stag.

Except that she couldn't.

Even now, she could feel the indignant fury boiling up underneath the numb shock. It was there, twisting and churning, drudging up forgotten memories.

"... it wasn't anything... it was a very long time ago... ancient history..."

Except that it wasn't. McCoy had said that James hadn't wasted any time in dumping her the minute that Lily was free from Rosier. That meant that James and McCoy had been right before. Right before, as in she had happened almost immediately afterward.

Her fingers clenched the seat until her knuckles became white.

James prattled on, and Lily was trying to work out the exact number of days that must have been in between James touching McCoy and then trying to seduce her as the stag. Maybe the two incidences were only a few hours apart. Minutes. Maybe James hadn't even bothered to dump McCoy before he'd begun his pursuit of her. When had McCoy started to flaunt Rosier around like a prize cow? She couldn't remember... Had it been before Lily kissed James in front of the entire Great Hall, or was it after?

Marcella was staring at her, but there was no way that Lily could have forced a conversation then. The room was spinning, and she felt sick again. She was starting to sweat. Memories were colliding and refitting themselves into horrible revelations that were coalescing into an epiphany of sorts.

"Did you two...?"

"No!"

Lily had to fight the urge to slap his hand off of her shoulder. She was fuming so badly that she was starting to feel dizzy from repressed rage. He'd flat out lied to her. Again. He was good at that, wasn't he? Oh, yes, James Potter. Clever boy.

Oh, she couldn't take this. She had to get out of there.

Lily didn't even realize that she had stood up in the middle of the compartment until Vivian asked, "What are you doing?"

She blinked and suddenly realized that everyone was staring at her. Beelzebub had her back up and was watching Lily as if she might explode at any moment.

"I'll be right back," she forced out, turning toward the door.

James grabbed her arm. "Where are you going?"

Lily stared at him, at the boy that she had just spent the most intimate moments of her life with. The one who had gotten past her walls and her shields and had become so prominent in her life.

"If nothing else, Potter is damn good in the sack."

She was going to throw up. Now.

"Lavatory," she snapped, not waiting to see his reaction before she bolted from the compartment.

There were people in the corridor, but Lily had to shove past them. She had to get to the lavatory before the contents of her stomach regurgitated. Random shocks of memory were bombarding her, and she tried to block them out, but McCoy's voice wouldn't be denied anymore.

"I've seen the way that Potter gropes you in class. You think that you're the only one he's done that with?"

The door to the lavatory slammed shut, and Lily barely had time to lock it before she dropped to her knees and leaned over the toilet.

"It wouldn't be the first time a guy said the opposite of the truth when it comes to shagging..."

Oh, make it stop. She squeezed her eyes shut and gasped for breath.

"Why wouldn't Potter lie about being with me if it meant that he could get into your knickers easier?"

When it became apparent that she wasn't going to throw up, and that this was actually just a minor panic attack, Lily dropped onto the floor and buried her face in her hands.

Gasping for breath, she forced herself to stand on shaky legs and move to the sink. Cupping her hands under the cold water, she splashed it onto her face.

"It wouldn't surprise me one little bit if you were that delusional, but come on, Evans."

With a small sob, she collapsed back to the floor and wrapped her arms around her legs protectively. She buried her face in her knees and willed the tears away.

"Has she been talking to you?"

"What would she be talking to me about?"

She choked on a laugh. What, indeed. Well, now she knew, didn't she? She knew what James hadn't wanted her to know. He was so smart. He'd known how she would react, how she'd feel knowing that he'd been willing to take anyone to that special place that he'd taken her. James knew how to handle her, didn't he?

"Don't play with me."

He'd said that the night they had consummated their relationship. The plea was so simple, and yet, it encompassed so many things. So many ironies.

"... I don't think that I'll be able to stop."

"Then don't."

Oh, she was so stupid. She really was. She'd walked straight into his trap, and swallowed all of his lies with an eagerness that now made her cheeks burn with shame. James knew that he wouldn't be able to stop because he'd done it before. He knew what she'd been missing out on while he had been...

Lily gasped out another sob. No bloody wonder James had been so eager to...

He knew. He knew how it would be. All the time that Lily had spent agonizing over whether or not they were ready for sex, or whether she would be able to meet James' high expectations, and it hadn't even mattered, because...

James didn't even bloody care! It was just about the sex. Giving up her virginity to James had been the biggest decision of her life, and he had just thrown his away like so much trash to Veronica McCoy.

McCoy had known, too. No wonder she had mocked Lily. She's known how James was.

"He sure as hell didn't waste any time dumping me the second you were available. Something about the appeal of virgins, I suppose."

Was that what it was? Was that why James had lied? Was Lily just another snitch for him to capture?

She felt so soiled. It wasn't fair. She should have waited... for someone else.

Lily angrily wiped the tears off her face. Everything was ruined. Completely, absolutely ruined.

And it was James' fault.

Lily blinked. James' fault. That fire under her skin suddenly flared back to life. Oh, yes.

Lily set her jaw and struggled to her feet. James had screwed up, and she was the one cowering in a lavatory? No. No.

The train made some screeching noises and the floor shifted under her feet, indicating that the train was coming to a stop. Lily felt some of her feminist bravado instantly melt away. She was actually going to have to leave the lavatory, now.

She went to the mirror and frowned at her reflection. She was a mess. Well, James had done this to her for the last time.

Lily turned on the faucet and went about trying to salvage her appearance. The panic attack was past, and she was okay. She was in control. Everything was fine.

Right.

Steeling herself, Lily opened the door and stepped out. She was in control. Everything was fine.

She flinched in alarm when she immediately found herself face-to-face with Daphne Mitchell, who looked concerned.

"Lily? Are you okay?"

"Why?" she asked, touching her face. Could she see the tear tracks?

Daphne shrugged. "You just look a little frazzled. Everything all right?" she asked kindly.

Lily opened her mouth to give the affirmative, but then she stopped and stared at her, suddenly remembering something else.

"It was a while back... but yeah. She came for James."

Did Daphne know? Did all of the groupies know? They seemed to keep pretty close tabs on James. Were they laughing at her? Hell, of course they were. If she didn't feel like smashing something, then she'd probably want to laugh at herself, too.

She gave a forced smile that felt strange and wrong on her face. "I'm great. You?"

Daphne rolled her eyes. "Ben's been driving me crazy with all of his Quidditch talk. The boy's obsessed. But you probably know what I'm talking about, right? I bet James drives you crazy, too, huh?"

It took Lily a second to remember that she was supposed to laugh. "Heh," she attempted.

"But it's worth it, right?" Daphne said, smiling. "And the Quidditch season has to end eventually."

When Lily didn't respond, Daphne took a closer look at her. "Lily? Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes," she said automatically, trying to look all right. She managed a nervous laugh. "It's just been a... hectic morning."

Daphne grimaced sympathetically. "I heard McCoy was giving you a hard time."

Lily stared at her, feeling a vague panic rising up. "What?"

"I told you not to let her bother you," Daphne said, smiling again. "Veronica McCoy is absolutely no threat to you. Don't take her so seriously."

Oh, the irony. Lily swallowed down the bubbling hysteria and tried to focus on what Daphne had said.

"What did you hear?" she asked apprehensively. "And from who?"

"Robin said that she saw you two arguing back at Hogsmeade Station," Daphne explained, "but I don't think she overheard any of it. Why? What did McCoy say to you?"

For a brief second, she was actually tempted to tell her. Why not? She already knew, didn't she? Didn't everyone know? Wasn't this one big secret that everyone knew except her? Hell, maybe they could laugh about it together. Or maybe everyone preferred to do it behind her back.

The anger made her feel more secure, more in control. She smiled coldly at Daphne. "You know, the usual. Nothing worth repeating."

Daphne nodded as if she understood. "It figures. Oh, but it's good to be going home, isn't it? You won't have to deal with her for a while, at any rate. Were you going to get your stuff?"

Lily noticed that Daphne had her luggage already, and she realized that she would have to go back to the compartment where James was.

"Yes, so I suppose that I'll see you in a few weeks," Lily said quickly, suddenly wanting to be far away from everyone on this train.

Before Lily could move away, Daphne had her in a hug. She stood stiffly, too stunned and annoyed to return the hug.

"I'm so glad that you and James finally got together," she said warmly. "I think you're really good for him." She pulled back and smiled. "Happy Christmas."

Daphne was gone before Lily could reciprocate, which was a good thing since Lily was biting her lip so hard that there was a danger of drawing blood. Good for him. Good for him. Well, that was great, because he was so good for her that she needed him like she needed a shard of glass in her foot.

Gritting her teeth, Lily gathered up all of her remaining strength and marched back to the compartment where she knew James would be waiting for her. She couldn't avoid this when her stuff was still in there.

When she slid open the compartment door, the sight of Arabella and James arguing greeted her.

"Well, there you are!" Arabella said in an exasperated voice. "Now, will you please tell your boyfriend here that the Holyhead Harpies are a perfectly respectable Quidditch team, and that they could wipe the floor with the Montrose Magpies."

James scoffed at that. "Give me a break. The only reason you support the Harpies is because all of the players are women."

"I resent that," Arabella sniffed, "but even if that were true, the only reason you support Montrose is because they're on a winning streak."

"Winning streak? They're the most successful team in the history of the British and Irish League!" He shook his head in disgust and put his arm around Lily's waist. "If you weren't friends with Lily, Figg."

Lily immediately recoiled from his touch and went to retrieve her luggage from the other side of the compartment. She gathered it all up, and then she realized that she was forgetting Beelzebub.

Anxious and frustrated, she dropped it all again and reached for the slumbering kneazle. Beelzebub barely stirred as Lily grabbed her wand and charmed the suitcases to follow her. Ignoring the other members of the compartment, she strode out, not looking back.

She was going home. That was all that mattered.

Lily was vaguely aware that Marcella and Vivian were with her, but she was still surprised when Marcella pulled her into an unexpected hug after they had stepped through the magical boundary into King's Cross Station, consequently squishing Beelzebub and causing her suitcases to fall out of the air.

"I'm so glad that we aren't fighting, anymore," she whispered, before pulling away. There was a bright smile and a, "Happy Christmas," before Marcella was gone, disappearing into the mob of students on the platform.

Lily watched her go even as Vivian hugged her, wondering what it was that they had ever fought about. Oh, yes. James. Always James.

After Vivian disappeared, too, something was abruptly shoved into Lily's hands, almost causing her to lose her grip on Beelzebub, who retaliated by digging her claws painfully into Lily's arm.

"Ouch, damn it!" she hissed, dropping the kneazle onto the pavement. Annoyed, she looked up at a smirking Arabella.

"That's your Christmas present," she said with a mischievous gleam in her eye. "It came a bit earlier than expected, but I know you won't open it early. It's not that I trust you or anything, but I hexed it so that there will be painful consequences if you do."

"I doubt that," Lily said dryly, tucking the parcel into her cloak. "In order to know good hexes, you would have had to actually go into the library to look them up."

Arabella rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Come here."

This time, Lily returned the hug. She was just beginning to realize that she'd be separated from her best friend for over three weeks, just when she'd probably need her most.

"You better write to me, hear?" Arabella said threateningly. "Or else I just might have to venture into a library and find some of those hexes."

"I will," she promised.

"No, she won't," came James' voice from behind her.

Lily frowned and clung harder to Arabella.

"Lily's going to be much too busy writing me," he said smugly. "So, tough luck, Figg."

"You would actually have to be able to read, Potter," she shot back, untangling herself from Lily's chokehold.

"Oh, ha, ha, Figg," he said, putting his arm back around Lily's shoulders. "Now, shove off. Lily and I need to say goodbye, don't we?"

She looked up at him blankly. Liar, liar, liar... She desperately wanted to move away from him, but she didn't want to do it in front of Arabella.

Her friend gave a long-suffering sigh. "I suppose that you want to make everyone lose their breakfast with tearful farewells." She made a face. "I think I'll spare myself the torture."

James smiled. "Happy Christmas, Figg."

Arabella stuck her tongue out at him and then winked at Lily. With a final wave, she turned and left them alone on the platform.

Alone with James. This was it.

Feeling her control snap, she finally slapped his arm away from her body. Freeing herself from his hold, she grabbed her nearest suitcase and began shrinking it, thinking that she should have done it before now. She had meant to do it while she was still on the train, but... Well, hopefully, she wouldn't get into any trouble for doing it on this side of the barrier.

James looked hurt. "Ouch. What was that for?"

Lily ignored him and pocketed her shrunken suitcase. She was about to shrink the second one, but then she decided that getting far away from him that very second was her first priority. She grabbed the handle of the suitcase and turned to leave, but James started to follow her. He touched her waist, and Lily whipped blazing eyes on him.

"Don't touch me," she said stonily. "In fact, don't touch me ever again."

James frowned, obviously befuddled. "What?"

Lily steeled herself and met his open eyes with a closed expression. She was in control here. "From now on, you don't touch me," she said steadily. "You don't speak to me. You don't look at me. I don't want to even think about you ever again after today, so stay away from me."

"What are you talking about?" James asked with a nervous laugh. "Lily--"

"No, it's Evans to you. We are not together. We are not friends. We're nothing. Goodbye."

She bent over to pick up her bag, but James grabbed her arm and gave Lily a desperate look. "What did I do? Lily, tell me--"

The cool facade finally cracked. Heat and betrayal flared up under her skin. "What haven't you done?" she cried hysterically, unconsciously throwing her bag back onto the ground. "Or better yet, who haven't you done, James Potter?"

James froze, and Lily glared at him with enough fury to burn a hole through his stupid glasses. She took the opportunity to pull her arm out of his suddenly lax grip. "Not even going to bother denying it, then?"

James was clearly doing some very fast thinking. But it didn't matter what kind of justification he was going to select to get him out of this, because Lily was done with him. Finished.

"I'm leaving," she said coolly. "Don't bother writing."

James quickly snapped out of his statuesque state and tried to hold her back. "No! Just wait a second--"

"Why?" she countered shrilly. "Everything I've heard about you is completely true!"

"No, wait a second," he rushed out. "I don't--"

"Everything those Quidditch girls said about you-- God. No wonder they thought I was just another groupie!"

"Okay, wait! Please. I don't know what Robin told you--"

Lily froze. She turned and stared at him. "Robin? Who's Robin?"

James faltered. "Didn't... Um, what?"

Why had he assumed...? Lily's blood suddenly ran cold as the edge of yet another unwanted revelation appeared on the horizon. "Who's Robin?" she repeated slowly.

James shifted on his feet uncomfortably and ran a twitchy hand through his hair. "I don't... Lily, what are we talking about here?"

Her blood was instantly boiling again. "You are telling me who the hell Robin is, Potter!" she yelled.

"You know who Robin is," he stammered, nervously eyeing the other people on the platform. "She goes to our Quidditch practices, but there's really no need to raise your voice like that. Just calm down for a second--"

There was no way that Lily was going to calm down now, because her mind was very quickly putting even more of the pieces together. When a particular one clicked into place, she had to bite down to prevent the hiss of surprise.

Robin. Gryffindor Robin. Daphne's friend, Robin.

"You slept with her, too?" she whispered.

James went rigid, and Lily had her answer. Her eyes widened and her hands flew up to her mouth in dismay. Oh, God. She really was going to be sick this time.

She'd sat next to Robin at those Quidditch practices. They'd had discussions about schoolwork and teachers and... James. Robin was nice.

Oh, Lily had been wrong. She'd been so wrong. She'd misunderstood. McCoy hadn't been telling her that she was James' first. No, Veronica had just meant that she had him before Lily. But not first. Then... Robin?

James just gaped at her, stark horror written all over his face. He was caught. That much was clear.

Lily could have choked against her mounting revulsion. "Oh, my God. McCoy, Robin... More?"

There really wasn't much more to lose at this point, and James must have realized it, because he nodded slowly. He looked about ready to cry.

Lily felt as if she'd been punched. "Then... how many?" she asked in a strained voice.

"Six," he whispered.

Six.

Oh, bloody hell.

When she finally found her voice, it was laced with a lethal combination of hurt and fury. "You fucking hypocrite! You had the absolute nerve of getting on my case when you'd thought that I'd slept with Rosier, when you had probably just finished slumming it up with that slut McCoy, and before that, half of the school!"

"Lily, I love you!" he cried suddenly.

She froze and stared at him in disbelief. "What?"

James' expression softened. "I love you," he said emphatically.

Lily bit her lip against the tears that threatened behind her eyes. She felt a splintering inside her chest. "You bastard," she whispered brokenly. "I can't believe that you would even say something like that right now--"

"But it's true, Lily," James entreated. "McCoy was nothing. None of them were ever anything to me. It was only you--"

"Stop it!" she said harshly, covering her ears. "Just stop it, James. I don't want to hear it."

His face flushed, and James shook his head and gave her a bitter smile. "No, of course not. It would be too much to ask of you to consider my feelings in this."

She glared at him. "Your feelings? Your feelings? Who gives a flying fuck about your feelings? Just the fact that you touched me just after being with her--"

"That isn't fair, Lily!" he yelled. "How was I supposed to know that you'd finally come around? Hmn? How long was I supposed to wait for you? A month? A year? Maybe seven years? Forever? What, Lily?"

"Yes!" she cried. "Yes, you were supposed to wait! If you were really so much in love with me, then you should have waited for me!"

"Do you know how irrational you sound right now? Do you?"

"I waited for you!"

James' mouth formed an ugly line. "No, you didn't. Not for me. Maybe for Remus. Or even for Rosier, for all I know. But never for me. Not for me, Lily."

"You bastard!" she yelled, trying to hit him.

James grabbed her arms midair and pulled her roughly into him. "I had to jump through fucking hoops to get you to recognize that I even inhabit the same planet as you. Don't you dare try to make it seem otherwise now, so that you can play the victim."

"Oh, yes, you did," she seethed. "You went to great, bloody lengths to fuck around with my head-- to lie to me, again-- and all because you were too much of a coward to just tell me that you wanted me. You don't get to play the victim, either, James Potter!"

"Tell you? Are you fucking kidding me? You wouldn't let me near you with a ten-foot pole! Tell you?"

"I danced with you at that Quidditch party!"

"I practically had to coerce you into doing it! In fact, you only did it after Remus told you to!"

"If you did, then it was your own bloody fault! Treating me badly all the time--"

"I treated you badly, Lily? I treated you? I played harmless pranks to get your attention! You were always shooting me down! Treating me like I didn't matter-- like I didn't make the list of people worthy enough to deserve your attention."

"Well, maybe you didn't matter," she said spitefully.

James took a ragged breath. His eyes were blazing. "Nice, Lily. Real nice."

"Well, if you had to lie and trick me into liking you--"

Before she could finish, James was in her personal space and his hands were clasping her face. He leaned close, and Lily actually felt a tinge of fear at the look on his face. "You think very carefully before you continue that line of thought," he snarled, "because there is a line, Evans, and you're right on the edge."

Lily reached up and gripped his hands, forcibly removing them from her face. "I told you not to touch me!" she hissed. "I am so done with you!"

"So, that's it, then?" he cried wildly. "I tell you that I love you, and you're just going to throw it back in my face?"

"Love me? You don't love anyone but yourself, James!"

He gave a bitter laugh. "That's rich coming from you."

She wouldn't show it, but that stung. Lily glared at him as she retrieved her suitcase. "Just bugger off, Potter," she said waspishly. "We're done here. For good."

"Oh, no, we're not," he sneered.

Lily made an indignant noise that was ignored as James grabbed her suitcase and slammed it back onto the ground with an unabashed lack of concern for her things.

"We are not done here until I say we're done," he said angrily. "You've said more than enough, but it's my turn, Evans, and by God, you're going to listen."

Lily scoffed at that and reached for her suitcase. "I don't have to-- Oi!"

James abruptly grabbed the suitcase and threw it without looking at where he was aiming. Lily watched in dismay as it bounced once several feet away, thankfully missing any pedestrians, and then split open, releasing her personal garments onto the pavement.

"You bastard!" she shrieked, trying to move past him in order to rescue her things from any trampling feet.

"No!" James growled, grabbing her arm to prevent her. "I'm talking, and you're listening and staying put."

She struggled futilely against his grip. "Let go--"

"Shut up!" he snapped. "Every time things get uncomfortable, you run away. But I'm not letting you do it this time! I've put up with it enough!"

Lily could only gape at him, her clothes forgotten, as he continued with, "You have no right to give me grief for what happened with McCoy. None. Because even if she were my first, then there wouldn't be a sane soul who could blame me for it. Not after what I've put up with from you. I'm just the same as any other warm-blooded, teenage boy, and after so many rejections from Miss Perfect, a girl like McCoy can start to look damn well appealing, Evans. You can say no all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that there are going to be plenty of girls who'll say yes, and if that doesn't fit in with your plans, then just bloody well too bad!"

Lily's heart was pounding in her ears, and she wanted to cry again, but James wasn't finished, yet.

"You think that you can control everyone, and fit them into nice little niches in your life, but people don't work like that, Evans! Relationships don't work like that. They're real and they're messy. This is messy," he said, pointing to the two of them.

"Too messy," she whispered.

James stopped and stared at her. Lily couldn't have explained it, but she felt a certain dread as the anger visibly drained from his face and demeanor. He looked so... disappointed.

"That's the truth of it, isn't it?" he asked sadly. "It's too much for you. You can't handle this level of intimacy with another person. It gets too close. None of this was really about McCoy, was it? It was always about you pushing me away. I was getting too close."

Lily wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that this was completely about McCoy and his lies, but she couldn't get out the words. She could only stare at him, feeling shell-shocked.

James slowly shook his head, looking disgusted. "You know what? Fine. I give up. I've already put in five or so years of my life, and if that isn't good enough, then... Fine. I give up. Goodbye, Lily."

James didn't move immediately. He kind of hesitated for a moment, looking into her eyes, as if he expected her to try to stop him.

When she didn't say anything, he finally nodded, muttering, "Right," before he turned on his heel and marched away from her.

Lily watched him go. She continued to watch until the crowd eventually swallowed him up from her gaze.

Blinking as if waking from a dream, she shuffled over to her scattered luggage. Eager students and parents were stepping on her clothes with little regard. Unconcerned about getting trampled, she bent down and began mechanically gathering up her things.

Lily was numb. That was the only way to describe it. She didn't understand it. There wasn't any logic to it, but the sensation was there all the same.

This was for the best. It really was. Also, it was what she wanted. She would be much better off without having to constantly wonder about whether or not James was telling her the truth. He was a liar. She needed to clear her life of all such duplicities for the sake of her mental health, and really, there wasn't any room for James in her life, anyway. She was much too busy. Too much of her time and energy had gone into him during the term so far, and she dreaded seeing the current state of her marks.

Who needed him?

"Lily?"

Blinking again, she looked up into the kind and familiar face of her mother.

May Evans, in all of her maternal glory, appeared from out of nowhere and crouched down next to her, gingerly touching Lily's cheek. When she drew back her fingers, Lily could see that they were wet. Looking distressed, Mrs. Evans cupped Lily's face and wiped off the tears with her thumbs. "Lovie, why are you crying?"

She hadn't even been aware that she was crying, but, true to appearances, Lily Evans had tears pouring down her face.

Later, she wouldn't be able to explain why she'd done it, or at least, she wouldn't be willing to, but she threw her arms around her mum's neck right there on the platform and sobbed for all she was worth.

*********************

Lily stared up at her ceiling.

She was in the bedroom that she shared with Petunia while she was home, but she was thankfully alone.

Usually, being home again was like being wrapped in a warm, safe cocoon. Nothing that transpired at school had any effect on her life in Little Whinging. They were separate, but parallel universes. One held Hogwarts, witchcraft, and the allures of Hogsmeade, while the other included her family and a certain naivety that was crucial in order for Lily to keep the two universes apart. Nothing ever threatened to breach the two worlds.

At least, nothing ever had until Lily had her infamous meltdown at King's Cross Station.

Now, her parents were walking on eggshells around her, constantly sending one another silent looks that spoke more than volumes whenever she so much as breathed too loud. It probably hadn't helped that any and all tentative questions had been answered with a mental wall.

The only benefit of her humiliation was that her parents had been so worried about her that they had allowed her to skip dinner with Vernon Dursley the night of her return. She had stayed safely locked away in her room, and she had barely come out since, with the notable exception of Christmas day.

If only she had been able to enjoy her seclusion.

Lily spent most of her time agonizing over her fight with James on the platform. She couldn't help it. As much as she wanted to put it all from her mind, it was all there, waiting to be analyzed and dissected.

Locked in her room, Lily had gone through just about every emotion there was, ranging from desperate fury to complete devastation, finally undergoing a sort of emotional exorcism.

Now, she just felt sad and tired.

Curling up in one of her grandmother's famous quilts, she attempted to read her copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

'The Kneazle was originally bred in Britain, though it is now exported worldwide. A small catlike creature--'

There was a loud crash as Beelzebub accidentally knocked over Petunia's record collection. Lily flinched and continued reading.

'Kneazles have up to eight kittens in a litter and can interbreed with cats.'

Lily shuddered, imagining her dorm filled with an armful of aggressive kneazle kittens. "You're never allowed to go outside," she told Beelzebub sternly.

'... the Kneazle is intelligent, independent, and occasionally aggressive, though if it takes a liking to a witch or wizard, it makes an excellent pet--'

Lily gave a start as Beelzebub began kneading her claws on the new jumper her parents had given her.

She threw off the quilt and sat up. "Oh, no, you don't," she grumbled, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. That jumper was probably the only attractive piece of clothing her mother had ever managed to select for her since she had passed the age of seven, and there was no way that it was going to get ruined before she had even had the chance to wear it.

Beelzebub froze up when she realized that Lily was approaching her with a purpose, and she eyed her warily. Her large ears flicked back and forth, as if unsure of which way to go.

Lily frowned and assessed the situation. The kneazle's claws were perched perilously on the vulnerable-looking fabric, and any quick movements might provoke unnecessary tearing.

"Now, look here," she said diplomatically. "You and I both know that I'm going to get that jumper. We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way."

Beelzebub's tail twitched and she growled.

"The hard way, then?" Lily said disappointedly. "All right." She shuffled uncertainly for a moment. Blast James for giving her a kneazle instead of a pragmatic owl.

James. Oh. Her heart gave an unhappy twinge at just the thought of him, and she sank back down onto her bed despairingly. Well, at least there won't be any more kneazles, will there? she joked mirthlessly to herself. Strangely enough, that didn't make her feel any better.

Lily didn't even bother fighting the tears that sprang to her eyes. She was starting to get used to allowing her emotions to flow down her face.

She was so confused, and she kept replaying their argument over and over again in her head.

"None of this was really about McCoy, was it? It was always about you pushing me away. I was getting too close."

Was he right? She didn't know anymore. She didn't know anything except that she still felt betrayed about McCoy, Robin, and whoever else. Maybe it was all too much. Maybe she had been too naïve in thinking that she could handle being in a relationship with someone as experienced as James. Of course, she couldn't have guessed at exactly how experienced he was...

Six.

It still made her sick. It also made her insecure beyond belief, which brought her back to what James had alluded to about her indignation never really being about McCoy so much as herself. Had James struck too close to her insecurities? Was that it? Or was she genuinely just upset about being lied to?

Abandoning the jumper, Beelzebub came over and leaped onto the bed. She studied Lily for a moment before pushing her head against her arm in an affectionate manner.

Grabbing the jumper with her toes, Lily smiled sadly and said, "See? I got the jumper."

Beelzebub just purred against her arm.

Lily stared unseeingly at the fabric, wondering what James had opened Christmas morning. There wouldn't be anything from her.

She was just fighting off the lump in her throat when the door burst open to reveal a livid Petunia. She was holding a red garment. Lily quickly wiped off her face.

"You can't keep that cat in here, anymore!" Petunia snapped.

As if she understood, Beelzebub hissed at her and darted under Lily's bed.

"She's not a cat," Lily said crossly. "I've told you--"

"I don't care what it is! Look at what it's done to my red shawl!" She held up the garment-- apparently a shawl-- as evidence. The end of it was in tatters, clearly the result of sharp teeth and claws.

Lily didn't mean to snicker. She really didn't. But the edge of her lip must have curled upward, because Petunia let out a furious shriek. "You think this is funny? Vernon's sister got me this! I'm expected to wear it tonight when I go over there!"

Lily shrugged, not really caring. "I'd offer to mend it, but I'm not allowed--"

"You're not touching this shawl with your abnormality!" Petunia shrieked.

"Then, what do you want from me?" Lily snapped, irritated. Dealing with Petunia on a regular day was wearing enough. She didn't need it right now.

Petunia scowled at her. "Mum wants you to come down. We're going shopping for my wedding, and for some reason, she's insisting that you come!"

Lily scowled back. "Not for all the silk in China would I come for that."

"Good!" Petunia snapped. "Just stay up here and rot for all I care!"

Taking the mutilated shawl with her, Petunia left and slammed the door on her way out.

Fuming, Lily stood up and then dropped down beside her bed. She reached under and pulled her kneazle out from her hiding spot. Beelzebub gave her an annoyed look, but she still allowed Lily to manhandle her.

Carrying the kneazle, Lily marched across the room and opened the door of Petunia's closet. She set Beelzebub down in front of it. "See this?" she said flatly. "Feel free to play."

The kneazle didn't need to be told twice. She darted in, and Lily soon heard the sound of tearing.

The satisfaction of passive-aggressive rebellion was short-lived. Lily sighed and turned to return to her bed, wanting to curl up underneath her quilt.

But she stopped when she caught sight of her own open closet. Arabella's present was peaking out from in between the boxes Lily had stuffed it behind.

She grimaced and considered just closing the door. She wouldn't have to look at that thing until the next time she had to open the closet door, which wouldn't have to be for a while if she just stayed in her pajamas.

But she would have to open it, eventually. There really was no avoiding it. There inlaid the problem.

With a dejected sigh, she went over to the closet and pulled out Arabella's gift. It was a large shirt, with enchanted wording that blinked: Lily + James = About Freaking Time. The words then shifted and became: Now, Get A Room Before You Make Everybody Sick!

Lily's spirits sank even lower, and it wasn't because of her friend's tacky sense of humor. She had been curious about Arabella's gift, but it was more out of respect for Christmas traditions than actual fear of hexes that kept her from opening it early.

Thank goodness she had opened it in the privacy of her bedroom.

God, she was so embarrassed. How was she going to explain this to her friends? She didn't want to tell them about McCoy. This was all bad enough without everybody knowing what James had done. She could just imagine the snickers that would occur every time she and McCoy were in the same room. Knowing McCoy, she would probably embrace the situation and use it to make Lily's life even more miserable.

Rolling up the shirt with a tad more brutal force than necessary, Lily took it over to her bureau and stuffed it into the back of the lowest drawer where her mother wasn't likely to find it.

"Lily!"

She started guiltily, but then she realized that her mother was actually calling her from downstairs.

"What?" she called back, feeling wary.

"We're going shopping! Get dressed!"

So much for that silk, Lily thought morosely. She looked around helplessly, knowing that she had outlasted her mum's toleration for her avoidance of family bonding. There really was no avoiding it now.

She sighed and looked for something to wear that was within arm's reach. Her eyes settled on her new jumper, and Lily reached for it hopefully, thinking that feeling attractive might make her feel better.

But when she held the jumper up, she made the horrifying discovery that it was covered in black kneazle hairs.

"Fine, then!" she snapped, throwing it away from her. Beelzebub eagerly chased after it, and Lily resigned herself to having to wait until she was back at Hogwarts before she could send it by owl post to Justinian for repairs.

Frowning, Lily grabbed the first jumper her hand connected with.

"Lily, we're going!" her mother called from downstairs just as she was pulling on a pair of trousers. She sighed and quickly ran a brush through her hair.

Shoulders slumped, Lily closed the door after herself and shuffled her way down the stairs.

Her mother smiled sympathetically at her. "Don't look so glum," she teased.

"Why do I have to go?" she whined.

"Because we need your input," her mother replied smartly.

"Well, here's some input. I think they should elope. Now."

For all her input, all Lily got was an annoyed look and a shove out the door.

Succumbing to her fate, she got into the car without protest. But she refused to speak all the way to Greenly's Bridal Store.

The store was the seventh layer of hell.

"What do you think?" her mother asked for the billionth time, holding up a pink bridesmaid dress.

"It doesn't matter what I think, because I'm not going to be a bridesmaid," she snapped without thinking.

The smile slipped off of Mrs. Evans' face, and she gave Lily another one of her I'm-worried-about-you looks.

Lily sighed. She had to get better control of herself, even if this was the seventh layer of hell. "But it's nice, Mum," she said in a kinder tone.

Mrs. Evans still looked wounded, but she held up another dress, this one a frilly green spectacle. "What do you think of this one?"

It was the most hideous thing she had ever seen. "It's great, Mum," she said weakly.

"Lily--" Mrs. Evans began.

"Mother, what in the world are you holding?" Lily was actually relieved to hear Petunia's shrill voice as an interruption. Mrs. Evans showed Petunia the dress. "I was thinking for your bridesmaids."

"Mother, I told you that I don't want green." She gave Lily a bitter look, and Lily had to assume that Petunia was remembering that disastrous dinner when Mrs. Evans had suggested green as a bridesmaid theme because it was Lily's best color.

Lily snorted. She didn't care if the color was green or if it was tangerine orange. They would have to drag her kicking and screaming up the aisle before she'd ever be one of Petunia's bridesmaids.

"Petunia, love, have you seen these parasols?" Mrs. Evans said in a placating tone, blatantly ignoring Petunia's stubborn defiance.

Lily sighed and took the opportunity to slip away from them while her mother was distracted. She wandered for a while amongst the rows and displays of bridal wear, before finally collapsing into an empty chair.

Bored and unhappy, Lily eyed a certain male mannequin that was wearing a smart tuxedo. The mannequin was tall-looking and thin. That was the extent of the resemblance, but Lily still couldn't help making the connection. Before she realized what she was doing, she was picturing James in the tuxedo.

Lily moaned in frustration and buried her face in her hands. Was he going to haunt her forever?

Probably not, but at least until she figured out what she wanted from this situation. That was the key.

What did she want? Why was she still moping about? She never experienced this kind of turmoil after dumping Rosier. She'd done it, and it was done. Finished. She didn't still close her eyes and see his face afterward. She didn't wake up in the middle of the night from dreams in which he was featured, feeling desperate and depressed.

Now, Lily wasn't stupid. She really wasn't. She knew that all of the signs pointed clear as day to the fact that she missed James terribly. There hadn't been a word from him in over two weeks. There wouldn't be.

But what did she miss exactly? A boy who'd lied to her? Several times? A boy who was apparently the equivalent of the school whore?

That was another injustice. James had gotten around, and no one had bothered to tell Lily beforehand. James had probably gotten several pats on the back for it, too. Marcella had only slept with one person that Lily was aware of, and people had mocked her for weeks about it.

Oh, she hated James for trying to blame her for what he'd done with McCoy. They hadn't even been speaking when it'd supposedly happened. Where did he get off?

And no matter how she may be feeling in a vulnerable moment, she would never forgive him for this. Ever.

Even if that meant she had to be lonely for a little while.

Feeling miserable again, Lily stood up and went to find her mother and sister.

As the day dragged on, Lily realized that there were actually several more layers of hell that she hadn't been aware of. And they all had the word Bridal in their names.

Petunia tried on at least thirty dresses, and each one made her look more awkward than the previous. Lily may have felt sorry for her, except that Petunia kept throwing fits and blaming the poor employees for her lack of success. It grated on the nerves.

Then, it was the wedding cakes. Petunia and her mother felt it necessary to sample practically every cake in the store's stock, and they both seemed to find flaws in each one. Lily had tried to remind them that by the time the cake was unveiled most of the guests would be too pissed to notice how it tasted, anyway, but it only earned her two exasperated glares. She'd kept her opinions to herself after that, thereby proving that her presence was unnecessary on this little excursion.

When they finally returned to the house, Lily was too exhausted to make it all the way up to her bedroom. Her mother and Petunia went into the kitchen to look at more bridal magazines, and she collapsed onto the sofa next to her father, who was watching the telly. He smiled and put his arm around her before returning his eyes to the screen. Finally relaxing, Lily leaned into the comforting embrace and tried to watch whatever Muggle show he was watching.

However, an expected noise made her jump in surprise. She glanced down and realized that Beelzebub was snuggled up on the other side of her father.

Mr. Evans laughed. "She was making such a racket up there in your room that I took pity on her." He scratched Beelzebub behind an ear and the kneazle purred contentedly.

"I think she likes you more than me," Lily said ruefully.

"We're good friends now, she and I," he said with a wink. "But I'm sure you're wrong."

Lily doubted it, but she didn't bother saying so.

"I still can't believe that you bought a kneazle," her father continued. "When we offered to get you one of those magical pets, I recall that you were adamantly against the idea."

Lily shrugged against his chest. She hadn't wanted to tell them that Beelzebub was a gift from her former boyfriend. She'd never even bothered to tell them that she had a boyfriend to begin with. Telling them now would just lead to undesired questions, and her parents had been so good about leaving her be.

It really was nice to be home, even with Petunia and Vernon constantly hovering about the place, giving her dark looks.

Lily didn't want to leave. She didn't want to go back to Hogwarts. If she went back, then she would have to face James again. It would be different if he were in some other house, if they didn't share all of the same classes, and she didn't have to see him countless times throughout the day.

But she did.

Biting her lip, Lily snuggled closer to her father and tried to watch the telly.

*********************

Coming back to Hogwarts was a surreal experience.

It was almost like stepping back in time, back to a time when her friends were still single-- save Vivian-- and close-knit. A time when James Potter still hated and ignored her.

All of her apprehension about coming back seemed to have been ill founded. There weren't any awkward encounters with James, because whenever they crossed paths, he was never looking at her. Ever. It was as if she wasn't even there.

It didn't sting.

The only sour point was when she had to explain to her friends why James didn't look at her anymore, and why they had broken up. The conversation was edited, and it didn't exactly go smoothly, with continuous interruptions from Arabella along the lines of, "Wait! What?" and "Are you fucking kidding me?" Lily's favorite: "What about my shirts?"

Vivian and Marcella's reactions were predictable. "You broke up with James Potter? Are you crazy?"

But once she reluctantly explained about McCoy and James' series of lies, they were firmly on her side.

"Veronica McCoy? He shagged that slag?"

"With her? Gross!"

"Oh, Lily, we're so sorry."

"I always knew that he was a nasty bugger. Never trusted him. You're so much better off without that sleaze, Lily. Do you need some ice cream?"

Her favorite: "It's those Slytherins, Lily. They turn everything to dust." That last one was Marcella.

Mundungus just seemed confused, which was understandable. He shook his head and muttered something to the effect of, "Impossible to keep up with you lot," and then he patted her shoulder sympathetically.

Arabella was the most difficult. She had stared at Lily for a long time, before saying, "I just don't understand it. You two were so perfect. It doesn't make any sense."

But it did, and Lily knew that it was only a matter of time before everyone realized it.

Being back in time also had some advantages.

Lily quickly discovered that all she had to do was insert herself back into her old pattern from before James in an effort to get things back to normal. She got up in the morning, went to meals, bantered with her friends, attended classes, and then returned to bed. The routine was familiar and reassuring.

She also discovered that if she kept herself busy enough, then there wasn't time enough to notice that there was something missing in a place where there hadn't been before.

The only time that her security was threatened was when she noticed people staring between her and James, clearly wondering why they no longer seemed to sit together or speak to one another anymore.

Other than some social awkwardness, -- "No, James isn't my boyfriend, anymore." "No, we actually aren't speaking." "No, it wasn't anyone's fault."-- Lily was dealing just fine with being single again. She didn't have the constraints of a girlfriend. She didn't have to plan her schedule around James anymore. No more always waiting for a night off from Quidditch practice, or being forced to attend said Quidditch practices. She didn't even have to go to the games if she didn't want to. Oh, and the best part was that she didn't have to deal with his friends anymore.

James seemed to be adjusting well, too. At first, he could only be found in the company of Ben Kingsley, whose girlfriend Lily was now desperately avoiding. He appeared to be burying himself in Quidditch.

But then something strange happened.

Lily started noticing that his former friends kept getting closer in proximity to James. While she had been dating him, James was always on the opposite side of any room that also contained Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. But somehow, they had managed to slowly inch closer to him, until Sirius was once again sitting directly next to James at the two-person desk in DADA.

Apparently, even James had gotten tired of the estrangement, because he didn't change seats.

It wasn't long before the four boys were seen in each other's company again.

Lily told herself that it was only one more sign that things were getting back to normal, and for the better.

Well, James had his Quidditch, and Lily had her schoolwork to immerse herself in. She was a woman possessed. The librarian actually seemed to get tired of seeing her in the library.

And when there wasn't schoolwork, Lily had plenty of work to do while helping her friends plan their outfits for Sieranda's ball. It was finally on the horizon, and that meant lots of planning for everyone. Lily occasionally caught glimpses of the purple-haired woman rushing through the castle with her arms full, likely on her way to get her odd decorations approved by the headmaster.

Lily had already sent her own costume design to Justinian's costume shop, but she was always on hand to give advice. When she found out that Mundungus had finally found the nerve to ask Marcella to go with him, Lily helped to coordinate their outfits. They were going to be adorable.

Also, Lily had taken another tutoring job, this time with a younger year that was having trouble in Potions. Together, they were making a lot of progress. The kid had even gotten a B on his last test. From Tilandi, that was certainly impressive.

Yes, to all appearances, Lily Evans was getting along just fine without James Potter.

And if she cried at night, then nobody needed to know about it.

*********************

When she was younger, Lily had a favorite spot at Hogwarts that she liked to go to when she wanted to be alone.

Before Sieranda's parties, it had been her haven. A place where she could just relax and let loose. Back then, all of her stress had been academic-related.

It had been awhile since Lily had been there, but the large rock was still in the same place from where she remembered. The rock was on the shore of the Great Lake, but it was on a farther shore than the one that faced the castle. Thick trees came right up to the edge.

Clearing the rock of any snow, Lily pulled out the packet of cigarettes from her pocket before settling down on it. It felt like forever since she'd had one. She had managed to go through most of the year with only this one pack.

Lily took a drag and then lay back on the rock before releasing the smoke. This clearing had always been such a good place to think, but today she just wanted to not think. She wanted to focus on just breathing.

She stayed like that for a long time, just breathing and smoking. The sky was cloudy and gray above her.

"Well, hello, Mudblood."

Oh, no. It couldn't be.

Lily sat up and scowled when her suspicions were confirmed. "Did you follow me out here?" she asked angrily.

Rosier sauntered up to the rock, her rock, and smirked at her. "No, I just happen to like long walks out in the middle of nowhere. Doesn't everyone?"

"Well, you can walk right back," she retorted, extremely annoyed. This was her private time to not think, and she didn't need Evan Rosier around to muck it all up, thank you very much.

"Hmn. I don't think I will," he said airily.

"Fine," she snapped. So much for privacy and a lack of introspection.

Well, there was always the silent treatment. She stubbed out her current cigarette and reached for another one as Rosier circled her rock with interest. He laughed when he came upon the small pile of unfinished cigarettes lying in the snow.

Lily just stared straight ahead silently as Rosier nudged the butts with his toe. "You going for a record?"

She ignored him and took a long drag.

Rosier reached for her cigarettes, but Lily was quick, and she smacked his hand away before he could get any.

"Don't be selfish," he admonished.

Lily continued to ignore him, so he leaned against her rock and studied his nails silently, showing absolutely no intention of leaving. She let out a frustrated breath. It had to be Evan Rosier.

"You know, you're right crap at helping people out," she finally said, forgoing the silent treatment. "I guess it doesn't come naturally."

Rosier raised an eyebrow at her. "I don't know what you're on about, Evans, but it better be more entertaining than watching you wallow in self-pity."

Lily scowled, feeling exposed and prickly. "No one's forcing you to be here. What do you want, anyway?" she snapped.

"I heard you and Potter split," he said with no small amount of satisfaction.

Lily felt an unpleasant stab in her gut, and she quickly averted her gaze. "Points for being observant," she said gravely, "but deduction for being an insensitive bastard."

Rosier laughed. "So, it's true, then?"

If he didn't stop sounding so entertained, Lily figured that she'd have to physically harm him. Misery loved company, but it didn't love cruel and spiteful amusement.

"Not your business," she finally said evenly, wishing that he would go away.

"Who dumped who?" he asked eagerly, completely ignoring her.

The knife twisted, and Lily felt her control begin to snap. "If you don't fucking drop it, Rosier--"

"Whoa, never mind," he said laughingly, holding up his hands in mock surrender. "I can see that this is still a sensitive subject."

The sarcasm that rose in her mind was hot and burning in her throat. No, the disintegration of what was probably the one great romance of her life wasn't still a big deal at all. Who even gave a rat's arse, anymore? Not her.

Rosier sat down next to her and nicked one of her cigarettes while Lily was busy fuming. She gave him an annoyed look and then stamped out her own. She folded her arms and went back to ignoring him, so there were a few minutes of tense silence, until...

"You know, you brought it on yourself," he said out of the blue.

Lily considered ignoring the bait, recognizing it for what it was. She didn't have to continue this conversation. It would only be a waste of both their time, and she didn't really care what Rosier was alluding to.

But truth be told, she didn't have anything better to do, and she was loath to give up her rock. Plus, her tolerance for Rosier had greater limits than this. Hopefully, he'd just get bored and wander off. Of course, she'd had the same hope about Sirius Black, and that hadn't exactly worked out for her, either.

She sighed and said in a bored voice, "I bring what on myself?"

Rosier grinned as if he knew that she was choosing to spend time with him, and she rolled her eyes at him. "Veronica," he said pleasantly.

Lily gave him a sharp look. She felt a distinct unease just at hearing the name. "What are you talking about?" she snapped.

Rosier shrugged in an uninterested way, but his eyes were shining with laughter. "If you hadn't ticked her off, then she wouldn't have gone after you and ruined your sad little relationship with Potter."

Lily immediately went rigid. She looked at him suspiciously. "Why do you assume that McCoy had anything to do with it?"

"Because she did," he said frankly. "She told you that Potter was lifting her skirt, and you had one of your infamous fits and dumped him." He smiled meanly. "Isn't that right?"

Lily was stunned. Rosier knew. She hadn't told anyone other than her closest friends about that, and she couldn't believe that any of them would have gossiped about this behind her back.

Then, something occurred to her, and she was instantly furious beyond belief. Turning on him, she yelled, "You said that you were going to help me! But you told her to do it, didn't you? All those things you said to me in the tower were just shite, weren't they? I never should have believed you, you complete and utter bastard!"

Rosier was still grinning. "You give me so much credit, Mudblood." He gave a mock sigh. "But, unfortunately, I can't claim it. I had nothing to do with this one. It was all Veronica."

"Then how did you know what she said to me?" Lily shot back, ready to hex him a new one.

"She told me," he said simply.

Lily stared at him, internally debating about whether or not to believe him. She wanted to stay mad, but she could already feel herself calming down. "You didn't tell her to harass me? You really did tell her to leave me alone?" she asked uncertainly.

"I told you I would," he said seriously, looking into her eyes with what could only be sincerity behind his gaze.

Lily ran an exhausted hand over her face and rested her chin on her palm. She felt like a deflated balloon. For an all too brief moment, it had felt good to have someone other than herself and James to blame.

Losing her eye contact, Rosier quickly said, "Although, in retrospect, you really never should have asked me to talk to Veronica in the first place. That was a rotting bad idea, what with her temper and all. She's so prone to flying off the handle that this was bound to happen. Really, Evans, I'm used to better displays of intellect from you."

Lily gave him a black look. "And I'm sure you knew all of that before you even spoke to her, didn't you?" She shook her head in disgust. "Thanks a lot, Evan."

He chuckled. "I didn't know about her and Potter. That was just a rather pleasant surprise that worked out in my favor."

Lily frowned. "I thought we were finally past this animosity, Evan," she said quietly. "You seemed so... different that day at the tower. I thought you were finally going to leave me alone, too. What happened?"

Rosier was silent. He was almost glaring at her, and there was a rebellious light in his eyes. He stubbed out his cigarette and discarded the stem carelessly.

"Why are you even here?" she asked tiredly.

"Come with me to the dance," he said abruptly.

Stunned, Lily stared at him, sure that she must have heard him wrong. "What?"

Rosier scooted closer and reached out to stroke her cheek. "I asked you to be my date."

Lily stopped breathing for a moment, caught off guard by the way that he was touching her. But then his words processed in her brain, and she started laughing at the absurdity of it. "You've got to be kidding me."

Rosier's eyes darkened and his fingers stilled against her cheek, but he didn't say anything.

Lily blinked. "You're serious?"

He smirked and simply raised an eyebrow at her.

Well, hell. That was unexpected. "What about McCoy?" she asked, taken aback.

He shrugged. "What about her?"

"You aren't taking her?"

Rosier rolled his eyes. "I told you that it's just shagging. She's not my girlfriend."

Lily frowned and looked away. "She's nothing," she repeated quietly to herself.

"Exactly," he said smugly, leaning over to nuzzle her neck.

Lily meant to push him away, but the touch was so altogether familiar that her eyes slid shut, instead. "Why would I want to go with you?" she muttered petulantly, still not moving away.

"Why not?" he murmured, reaching up to cup the other side of her face. He turned her head so that she was looking directly up into his dark eyes. "Who else is going to take you?"

James' face pushed to the front of her mind, and Lily was so startled that she whipped her head out of his hands and scooted away from him. "That isn't exactly a winning endorsement," she said shakily. Why was she still wishing for impossible things?

Rosier physically followed her movement and said, "No, but it's an honest one. Come with me."

A sudden memory of conversation floated up in her mind.

"I guess I was wrong about Rosier being unsentimental... He's obviously using McCoy to try to fill the void that you left in his heart, Lily."

Lily frowned and shifted uncomfortably. She glanced uneasily at Rosier out of the corner of her eye. Was Arabella right? Was that what this was all about?

Before she could stop herself, she blurted out, "Do you still have feelings for me?"

To his credit, Rosier didn't even bat an eye, although Lily was feeling increasingly awkward. He smirked-- again-- at her and waited two very long seconds before he bothered to answer her with, "What do you think?"

Oh.

Lily looked down at her hands. "You know that I still have feelings for James, don't you?" she said softly.

Rosier gave her a grim smile. "You know that I don't care, right?"

Lily felt a twinge of guilt for even considering it. "I'm serious, Evan. You and I can't ever--"

"For fuck's sake, Mudblood!" he interrupted impatiently. "I'm not proposing marriage! It's just a bloody dance!"

Lily sighed and looked back out over the water. She couldn't help but feel as if she were only hurting them both by agreeing to this. But...

But.

If he really did still have feelings for her, then he was going to get hurt, anyway. She already was.

Rosier cupped the back of her neck and rubbed the skin there, causing her eyes to involuntarily drift shut. He leaned in and whispered into her ear, "Wouldn't you like to see Veronica's reaction when she finds out that I'm taking you?"

Oh... Well, there was incentive.

Lily frowned and leaned away from him. She gave him a serious look. "You do realize that she's in love with you, right?"

Rosier looked surprised, but then he laughed. "That's ridiculous."

"No, it isn't," she grumbled bitterly. "Why do you think I showed up as a target to begin with? It wasn't because she had a problem with redheads."

"You sure about that?" he joked, twining a lock of her hair around his finger. "It is a rather offending shade."

"Evan!" she snapped, trying to slap his hand away. "Start taking me seriously or I'll--"

Rosier cut her off by abruptly gripping her face and pulling her into an unexpected kiss. Lily was too stunned to protest or react, but when he moved back he was looking so smug that she felt her face grow hot.

"That's another thing," she said shakily. "No more of that."

"What?" he asked, looking far too amused considering her flustered state.

"You know what," Lily muttered.

"You mean this?" Before she could move, he cupped her neck and buried his face in the warm skin.

"Oh," she breathed, temporarily paralyzed by the feel of his tongue on her. She fought it, but her head traitorously tilted to afford a better angle. "You're taking advantage of me," she moaned.

There was an unholy gleam in his eye when he pulled back. "I know."

Disgruntled, Lily wiped off her neck. "I'm really serious about--"

But Rosier was kissing her again.

Later, she would blame sheer loneliness for what she did next.

Giving in, Lily put her fingers in his hair and kissed him back.

Evan tasted like coffee and cigarettes. He was warm and cold at the same time, and he was pressing against her in an almost desperate manner. It was all so utterly familiar that it was reassuring in its own way.

The promise of release was so appealing after so many weeks of strain that Lily allowed herself to melt into him, clutching his face like lifeline.

Just one more way that she had come full circle.

And there was James' face, again.

James.

Lily's eyes snapped open, and she shoved Rosier away from her with so much force that he almost fell backward off the rock. He stared at her in disbelief.

Shaking, Lily moved to the far side of the rock and buried her face in her palms. He was never going to let her go. She was cursed to forever see James' face whenever she closed her eyes. Cursed, trapped... Whatever you wanted to call it, she was stuck in this limbo between herself and James.

Rosier was silent, but Lily could feel his anger and frustration coming off of him in waves.

When he finally spoke, he didn't sound amused, anymore. "Just say that you're going with me, and then I'll leave you alone. For now."

Lily raised her face and looked at him. "That can't happen again," she said weakly.

Rosier glared at her. "Yes or no."

"We can only go as friends--"

"Fine," he snapped angrily, cutting her off. Rosier stood and said as he was walking away, "Let me know what time you want me to pick you up." He didn't bother saying goodbye.

Lily drew up her legs and buried her face in her knees.

What had she gotten herself into?

*********************

News traveled fast at Hogwarts.

Lily didn't know how, but pretty soon everyone knew that she was going to Sieranda's ball with Evan Rosier.

Rumors were flying all over the place, worse than ever since James was inevitably linked into them. Courtesy of Vivian, Lily knew that some people thought that she was only going with Rosier to make James jealous, while others were whispering that she had never really gotten over Rosier, and that she had finally dumped James to reconcile with him.

For the most part, Lily didn't care. They could say what they wanted.

Marcella took the news harder than the rest of Lily's friends. She remained silent for almost an entire day, hardly even looking at Lily, and radiating waves of betrayal and hurt. It didn't matter that it was Rosier rather than Rex. Every Slytherin had become the same to Marcella. She finally cornered Lily one day and asked a very simple, "Why?" Lily could only shrug.

Vivian hadn't been nearly so upset. "Oh, you're going to look so gorgeous together!" Simple and shallow. Lily had no problems with that.

Arabella had looked down the table at James and then back to Lily. Apparently coming to some sort of inward decision, she only shook her head. There hadn't been any further comment from her on the subject, which was a novelty in itself.

Mundungus only gaped at her in blank astonishment. "Again?"

Lily had a feeling that her friends didn't feel as if they necessarily knew her anymore.

It was only after she realized James knew that she truly began to wish that she had never said yes to Evan.

There was one tense moment after History of Magic when Lily and James both tried to get out of the door at the same time.

Her eyes met his and everything became suspended around them in an awkward tension. Unable to control herself, Lily drank in the sight of him. They hadn't been this close since...

James looked so tired. There were dark bags under his eyes, and his mouth was drooped in the corners as if he had forgotten how to smile. He looked about ready to say something, and Lily's breath caught in anticipation.

But then Rosier came up behind her and said in a snide voice, "Excuse us, Potter."

Clearly surprised, James had looked between them, and Lily could tell that he was putting the pieces together in his mind. For a moment, it appeared as if he was going to be sick, but then James gave Lily a dark and composed look and said, "Figures."

It was the first thing he'd said to her in weeks.

Then, things became a shot near unbearable. If Lily had thought it was bad when James was ignoring her, then it was proved to be much worse having James constantly glaring at her.

"He's doing it, again," Vivian told her one day at breakfast.

Lily looked up in time to see James turn back to his food. Black caught sight of her and raised a questioning eyebrow in her direction. Lily quickly dropped her gaze back to her eggs.

"He's really taking this hard," Vivian observed. She winked at Lily. "But it serves him right that you're going to the dance with Rosier."

Lily didn't respond. It was hard to believe that she had once taken pleasure in the idea of making James jealous by pretending to date Xavier Gallaway. Now, she just wished that he'd go back to ignoring her.

"Somebody should tell him that his face could get stuck like that," Arabella said. She imitated James' glare. "He'd have to walk around like this all the time. He'd never get through a job interview."

Lily sighed and stood up. She wanted a cigarette.

"Where are you going?" Arabella asked.

"For a walk," she lied, not meeting her friend's gaze.

Arabella observed Lily's full plate with a frown. "Lily, you really need to start eating like a regular person, again."

"I'm not hungry," she said.

Arabella gave her a concerned look. "Lily..."

Lily rolled her eyes and grabbed an apple from the table. "I'll eat it on the way. Happy?"

"It's a start."

Lily rolled her eyes again and left the Great Hall. She could feel James' eyes on her back. It only made her speed up.

This time, Lily went to the far side of the castle, to the side where the walls climbed high and the forest loomed nearby. The place where she had given Severus Snape his first cigarette.

Frowning at the remaining ice on the ground, she took out her wand and mimed a circle as she said, "Decoquo!" The ice melted, and the water sloshed out into a big puddle near her feet. She hopped backward to avoid getting her shoes wet, and said, "Siccus!" The water evaporated, leaving a large circle amidst the ice.

"Tepidus."

Satisfied, Lily plopped down in the middle of the circle. The grass was warm underneath her.

"The things I do for a little privacy," she muttered to herself, pulling a cigarette from her coat pocket.

She lit the cigarette, and then just stared at it. Her habit was really starting to become compulsory.

"Well, at least you're not drinking, too."

Lily gave a start at the unexpected voice. She whipped around to see who had invaded her sacred circle, and she frowned when she saw who it was. Her mood took a drastic downturn.

"I suppose it's just impossible to get any privacy these days," she said dryly.

Remus smiled at her. "I suppose."

"Is there any particular reason why you're out here, Lupin?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "Oh, I don't know. Fresh air?"

"Hmn. Well, the air on the other side of the castle should be just as fresh."

Remus laughed. "Was that your subtle way of trying to get rid of me?"

"Was I being subtle? My mistake," she said flatly. "Please go away, Lupin."

Unsurprisingly, Remus ignored her and sat down within her cleared space. He felt the warm grass and murmured his approval.

"I hear that you're going to the dance with Rosier," he said without preamble.

Lily frowned, but she resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't going to escape this conversation. She doubted that she could outrun him after the amount of cigarettes she had consumed recently. "And how's that?" she asked wearily, already knowing the answer.

"Guess," he said with another smile.

She sighed. "Oh, I don't know. James?"

"That'd be the one."

She didn't say anything else, so Remus continued with, "Why are you going with Rosier, Lily?"

"Why not?" she countered.

Remus sighed and shook his head. "You know, I really don't think using Rosier to get to James is the best idea right now."

Lily twiddled the cigarette between her fingers for a moment, before saying, "I'm not."

Remus frowned. "Then, why--"

"Why not?" she repeated, giving him a look.

Remus met her gaze, and there was a thoughtful expression on his face. "You know, I don't think I've ever met anyone quite as difficult as you before in my life, Lily."

She didn't necessarily know how to take that. "I know a lot of things, Lupin, and one of them is that you're a prat," she said childishly, choosing not to analyze him.

Remus raised a patronizing eyebrow at her. "Some people say that petty name-calling is a sign of weakness."

"More prats," she smirked.

Remus rolled his eyes and settled back on his elbows, confirming Lily's fear that he wouldn't be leaving until he had said his entire piece, or had at least gotten what he'd come for.

"Judging from your attitude, I'd surmise that you aren't in the mood to talk?"

"About what?" she asked incredulously. "What could we possibly have to talk about now, Lupin?"

Remus gave her a rueful smile. "James."

Lily stared hard at her burning cigarette. Then, she laid it down and snuffed it out with her shoe, carefully watching to make sure that she didn't set the grass on fire.

"You aren't going to finish it?" Remus asked.

Lily shrugged. "I think I'm quitting."

Remus looked surprised, but Lily ignored him, staring fixedly at the sunset. She shivered, suddenly feeling the cold.

"Do you miss him?"

Lily tried not to flinch at the question, but she must have done something to the effect, because Remus nodded understandingly.

"He misses you, too," he said softly.

Lily hunched her shoulders miserably. "I doubt that."

Remus gave her a searching look. "Why would you doubt that?"

She laughed humorlessly. "The last time we spoke wasn't exactly the most romantic or civil of conversations."

Remus laughed, too, but with considerably more amusement. "Sounds like every other conversation the two of you ever had before making the profound discovery that snogging is so much more enjoyable than arguing."

Lily only frowned, unhappily reminded of how long it had truly been since she had touched or kissed James.

"Why don't you talk to him?" Remus suggested kindly.

Lily gave him a disgruntled look. "Why don't you just let brooding people be?"

"So, you admit that you're missing him, at least?" Remus said with sly grin.

Lily glared at him. "To think that I once thought that you were nice and innocent."

"Well, that was silly of you," he said with a straight face.

"Apparently," she said darkly.

Remus was running his fingers through the dry grass, but he paused to give her a serious look. "Lily."

"Remus," she mocked.

"It really is silly for you and James to stay apart when you're obviously pining away for each other."

Lily didn't even bother denying it. She was past the point of defensive denials. They never seemed to work for her, anyway. Apparently, it only took one hard look to see right through her.

"He won't talk to me," she admitted quietly. "And even if he would, I wouldn't know what to say."

Remus gave her shoulder a friendly pat. "Well, it's a good thing for you that Sirius and I believe in tit for tat," he said.

Lily was instantly wary. "What?"

"Simple. You talked to James for us, and now we'll talk to him for you."

Lily snorted. "No offense to your persuasion skills, Lupin, but James wasn't exactly responsive when you tried to talk to him before. He wasn't responsive to me, either, when I tried to talk to him for you."

"Granted," he admitted sheepishly. "James is one stubborn bastard. But I think that rather charming aspect of his personality can work in your favor this time."

"How do you figure?"

"Do you know how long James has been fixated on you?" he asked, smiling. "Do you honestly think that after all this time and after everything you've been through, James would really close the book on you, now?"

Lily didn't know what to say. Part of her wanted to believe what Remus was telling her, that James hadn't really given up on her. But there was still that other part that was pretty certain that they'd blown it. For good.

Sighing sadly, she said, "I don't want you to talk to James for me."

Remus frowned. "But--"

"No," she interrupted. "What happens between James and I stays between James and I. I still don't like that you were even involved in us getting together in the first place when he was pretending to be someone else."

"I wasn't really--"

"If you haven't figured it out, yet, I value privacy."

Remus choked on a suppressed laugh, for which Lily glared at him. "I never would have guessed."

"And..." Lily faltered. "Look, I don't even know if I want to get back together with him."

Remus looked confused. "But you said--"

"I didn't say that. Missing James and wanting to get back together are two different things. I still don't know I can forgive him for..." The lump was back in her throat, so she stopped and painfully unclenched her fingers from the now-dead group of grass beneath her hand.

Remus gave her a sympathetic look. He squeezed her shoulder once, before saying in a serious tone, "There is nothing more liberating than forgiveness."

Lily gave him a dubious look. "Since when are you a philosopher?"

Remus smiled secretively. "I'm a lot of things, Lily," he said vaguely.

Lily rolled her eyes and stood up. She smoothed out her robes and turned to go.

"We'll talk again, Lily," Remus said softly from the ground.

Lily paused. She turned and looked at him, internally debating. In the end, she just shrugged. She didn't have anything to lose.

"Did I ever tell you that I'll never forgive you for being a sodomite?" she asked evenly.

Remus' eyebrows shot up, and then he flushed. "No, you didn't," he said quietly, not meeting her eyes.

"Oh. Well, I meant to," she said honestly.

"Lily..."

"But I take it back, now," she said quickly. "I'm glad that you're a sodomite."

Remus' eyebrows shot up. "You are?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Um, why?"

She shrugged. "It never would have worked between us, anyway."

Remus nodded and gave what sounded like a relieved laugh. "I would have bored you to tears, eventually," he said reasonably.

"Yeah, probably."

"And you would have driven me insane with your moods..."

Lily gaped at him. "Remus Lupin, what did you just say to me?"

Remus smirked, looking highly amused. "I don't have the high tolerance for adolescent angst that James does."

Lily sputtered for a moment, torn between amusement and indignation. Finally, she simply settled on, "Oi, now!"

Remus laughed and stood up beside her. He smiled broadly and clapped her shoulder. "Lily, I think we're going to be good friends. All of us."

Lily snorted. "The day I call Sirius Black a friend will be the day that pigs officially sprout wings and take up Latin literature."

Remus shrugged, still smiling. "We'll see. Maybe we'll all go out for drinks one day."

"Whatever you say, Lupin," she said, thinking that he was barmy. She watched as he disappeared around the corner.

Lily shook her head and leaned back against the castle wall. She hadn't really thought about it, but she had been holding some major resentment toward Remus ever since finding out that he had lied to her about James and Sieranda's parties. It hadn't helped that he had been badgering her recently about James or that he was constantly with Sirius Black, a person high up on her list of unpleasant people.

But now, she was strongly reminded of the witty boy who had shared a drink with her in Benji's pub, the boy whom she had developed feelings for before all of the mess that was to follow. It really wasn't so long ago that she, herself, had thought that maybe they could have been friends.

Lily sighed and began making her way back to the castle.

Like so many other things in her life, she couldn't have explained it, but it felt as though something healed that day.

*********************