Outward Appearances

Chapter 13: Discovery and Denial

During her second year at Hogwarts, Lily had been bitten by a small creature that she had come upon in the Forbidden Forest. The creature had a fluffy tail and large brown eyes. Reaching down to pet it, Lily had been shocked when the innocent face had suddenly twisted into a snarl and its teeth had dug painfully into her hand. She had to slam it against a tree three times before it would relinquish its hold. Madame Pomfrey had ranted and raved about students defying rules while she patched up her hand, but what Lily suddenly recalled as she stared at the man in front of her was what Arabella had said to her afterward.

"You are so naïve, Lily. Just because it had pretty eyes, you thought it was harmless?"

Brown eyes...

Blue eyes...

Oh God, the blue eyes.

The rest of the room had suddenly disappeared.

The music became mute in her ears, and she no longer felt the bodies pressing in around her.

But... It couldn't be! No...

Lily starting shaking her head helplessly in denial.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no--

They stared at each other.

Lily struggled to find her voice. It was a mistake. She was hallucinating; this was a dream; there was something in the drink that she didn't remember drinking--anything! Somehow, it had to be a mistake--

"James?" she managed. His face was a mask of terror.

A mask...

She looked down. The stag mask had slipped from her fingers and fallen onto the floor. She slowly lifted her eyes back to him.

He wasn't wearing his glasses, but those eyes were the same. The hair, the mouth, the lean frame--Oh God. James?

"How?" she whispered.

How could it be him? How could he do this? It didn't make any sense...

"Lily," James pleaded desperately, grabbing her hand. "I was going to tell you--"

But he hadn't. After all this time. After today... Oh, God.

James was trying to explain, but Lily wasn't listening. She yanked away, startling him. She spun around and started frantically pushing her way through the crowd.

He called after her, but the crowd was already separating them. Hands reached for her, while other pushed her, but Lily didn't feel them.

Why? She was just beginning to trust him. She was even going to--Oh, no.

You are so naïve, Lily. Just because it had pretty eyes, you thought it was harmless?

Not naïve--stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

The perfume in the air was choking her. Those ridiculous butterflies were swarming around her face, blinding her. It was almost as if the godforsaken things were attacking her! God, why were they doing that? She batted at them, causing golden glitter to shower around her.

Finally, the door came into view, and Lily surged forward against the incoming stream. Pushing past the last of the annoyed faces, she was outside.

Lily didn't even notice the cool air on her face as she began to run. Memories were starting to flash through her mind.

You don't have to go, Lily. Not anymore--You're not as clever as you think you are--We found them--I don't know where you go in Hogsmeade, Lily--Half the time, you're quite dim--

But that would mean that Remus had lied, too. She had asked him! Right there in Hogsmeade, she had asked him! And he had said--

The heel of her sandal suddenly caught in a crack in the pavement, and Lily flew forward. Her knee scraped painfully against rock, and the flesh of her palms ripped as she threw out her hands to catch herself.

Lily lay there for a moment, her hair hanging around her face, as she slowly registered the pain in her limbs and the roaring in her ears.

Angrily, she ripped the mask off and threw it as hard as she could. Then, she ripped off her damaged shoe, followed immediately by the other one. Damn him--Damn him--Damn him!

Ignoring the pain that shot through her leg, Lily labored to her feet and began limping. Her head was spinning, so Lily didn't pay any attention to where she was going. It didn't matter. She was so stupid. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Oh God, and it was so obvious wasn't it? And she had worn that necklace like a fool... She groaned and pressed her bleeding palms to her ears. No more! No more, no more, no more--

Lily suddenly crashed into a hard mass. She started to fall again, but somebody caught her.

Large arms, different from--STOP IT!

"Whoa, honey! Where you going in such a hurry?" asked a warm, masculine voice. He almost sounded like her father.

Lily's shoulders began to shake with dry sobs. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...

"Hey, what's the matter?" he asked, sounding alarmed.

She just shook her head and covered her face with her hands.

Why? Why did it have to be him? It was supposed to be a stranger! Not him! Not James!

"Say--You're bleeding! What happened?"

The eyes, the body type, everything--Of course. Of--bloody--course! And it explained so much, didn't it? Why he knew where to send the necklace, and how she'd gotten back after that first encounter--Oh, but it wasn't the first encounter, was it? That had occurred over five years ago. Lily groaned. Such an idiot!

The man with the strong arms was guiding her somewhere, but Lily didn't look up. James knew who she was the entire time. He had said her name back there. That meant that he had lied to her. Somehow, he had lied.

Something cold touched her face.

Lily blinked. A woman with a round face was kneeling in front of her, touching her face with a wet cloth. To her surprise, Lily realized that she was sitting down in a chair. Wait, when had she come into a restaurant?

"One of Sieranda's lot," she said over her shoulder to a man who was watching anxiously.

"Well, I figured that from the outfit," he mumbled.

She ignored him and turned back to Lily. "What's your name, honey?"

Lily didn't answer.

The woman bit her lip, looking concerned. "You're hurt, dear. What happened?"

Lily dropped her face back into the security of her hands. "He lied to me," she moaned miserably.

There was silence for a moment. "Oooh," the woman finally said softly, understanding clear in her voice. "Honey, all men lie."

"Hey!"

"Quiet, Wendell!" she snapped. "Honey, did that man do this? Is the man who lied to you the one who also ripped your dress?"

Lily looked up in surprise. She hadn't realized that her dress was ripped. She fingered the dash that traveled up her thigh. How embarrassing.

"Wendell!" the woman screeched suddenly, causing Lily to wince.

The man scrambled forward, looking eager to be of help.

"Go get one of your shirts," she ordered.

He immediately disappeared from the spot where he had stood a moment ago, apparently having apparated to get the shirt.

The woman turned back to Lily, giving her a kind smile. "Did he hurt you? Is that what happened?"

Oh yes, he'd hurt her. James had manipulated her into actually committing herself to a relationship, only to ruin everything a few hours later. That bastard. Damn him.

The man was back, gingerly holding the shirt out to her. When Lily didn't move, he looked at his wife helplessly. The woman grabbed the shirt and said, "There's a bathroom in the back there, honey."

They were both staring at her, obviously expecting her to move. Lily forced herself to grab the shirt and stand up. Without a word, she walked across the room and into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Moving as if in a trance, Lily pulled the ruined dress over her head and replaced it with the shirt. It was warm and so large that she had to roll up the sleeves several times.

Lily collapsed onto the toilet-seat and stared at her dirty feet.

Why? Why did he do this? She was just fine before he had to go and invade her private world. Now, everything seemed tainted. All he had to do was wait for her to invite him in, and it wouldn't have turned out this way. But no, he had ruined everything. She valued her escapes, and James had tainted them. Damn it, why?

Glancing down at her hands, Lily flinched. Blood and dirt were smeared all over them. Wearily, she stood up and moved to the mirror hanging over the sink.

But when Lily met her own gaze, she froze.

She looked pathetic. By hiding behind her hands, she had smeared blood all over her face. The woman had gotten most of it off, but there were still some remnants. Her startled eyes were wide and vulnerable. Her shields were completely gone.

A cord was struck somewhere in Lily's mind. He did this.

Her pain began to harden into a numbing sensation. Damn him to hell.

James wasn't worth it.

"James... is... not... worth... it!" she fiercely told her reflection.

Gritting her teeth, she willed her expression to become cold.

You don't care, you don't care, you don't care, she chanted silently. You don't need him. He doesn't matter. You're okay.

Slowly, the vulnerability began to disappear. Yes, you don't need him. You never needed him.

When her expression was a neutral blank, Lily nodded slowly. Yes, this was much better.

But her hands were still shaking. Frowning, she turned on the faucet and winced as the cold water connected with her scraped palms, stinging painfully.

You don't care, you don't care, you don't care, you don't care, you don't care...

Cupping her hands under the water, Lily splashed her face. She gasped. Damn, it was cold. Lily wiped off the excess water and blood with the sleeve, and then reached down and pulled her wand from the folds on the floor. Lily dumped her ruined dress into the wastebasket and turned to unlock the door.

Stepping out of the bathroom, she heard their supposedly hushed voices quite clearly.

"What the hell is Sieranda doing, allowing children to get involved--"

"She can't be more than fifteen--"

I'm sixteen, she thought absently.

"What do you suppose happened to her?"

"Who happened to her, you mean--"

Lily stepped further into the room and cleared her throat. Startled, they both turned to look at her

"Thank you for the shirt," she said calmly. "I don't know when I'll be able to return it--"

"You go ahead and keep it, honey," the wizard--Wendell?--said softly.

She nodded. "Thank you, then."

Without another word, she left the restaurant. But halfway down the street, Lily froze. She couldn't go back to the tunnel. James would probably be waiting for her.

She turned around and started back in the other direction. Lily would never use that tunnel again. The black bag would have to stay where she had left it. What did she need it for now?

Clutching her wand, Lily forced her feet to move toward the trail that the students used on the Hogsmeade weekends.

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Lily walked for what felt like hours. Her bare feet were bruised, and the cold had long since numbed her fingers by the time Hogwarts came into view. She couldn't force herself to concentrate enough to perform an effective warming spell. She sighed and urged on her aching feet. Almost home.

When she finally stepped onto the soft grass of the Hogwarts grounds,

Lily let out a breath of relief. But following the trail along the

Great Lake, her relief morphed into a slight panic.

Please, don't let anyone be awake, she prayed silently. How was she supposed to explain this?

Almost as soon as she had the thought, a loud clanking noise made her freeze. Her gaze, which had been resting on the dark waters of the lake, instantly shot up toward the castle.

The doors to the entrance hall were being held open by a large stack of books, and Filch was on the stairs, struggling with something large. Lily's breath caught in her throat.

Panicking, she looked around desperately. Something--anything! She was in the wide open, and Filch would easily spot her if he looked up from his task at hand.

Lily immediately began running toward the nearest form of concealment--Hagrid's hut. Her torn flesh screamed in protest, but Lily couldn't think about it now. If Filch spotted her...

Don't look up, she begged silently.

Lily didn't halt until the shadow from the house had swallowed her. Holding her breath, she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. She waited for Filch's voice to shout after her or for the sound of footsteps, but nothing happened. She waited for a few more moments, reading to run again, but still nothing happened.

Relieved, she let out her breath. He hadn't seen her. Now, all she had to do was wait until Filch left so that she could make a break for the doors.

So, she waited.

But soon Lily began to feel the full weight of her exhaustion. Her eyelids began to feel heavy and her legs began to sag beneath her. She gave in, sliding down the wall to the ground. Maybe if she just rested her eyes for a moment...

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Something was wrong.

The first thing that Lily noticed as sleep began to leave her was that everything seemed to ache. Could you feel pain in a dream?

Shivering, she reached down to pull up her blankets only to have her hand fall on her own bare legs.

That wasn't right...

Her pillow was hard, but when she tossed her head, a sharp shock of pain shot through her neck. Crying out, Lily woke immediately. Reaching up to touch her stiff neck, she blinked her eyes open.

At first, it didn't register that she was looking at a large pile of wood, but then Lily heard a far off chirping. What the hell? What was she doing outside?

Looking down, she blinked again in confusion. What was she wearing?

Pictures of trees and masks were immediately flashing through her mind.

Wait, masks? Blue eyes... James? What--Ooohh...

Comprehension suddenly dawned on her. She was still outside! Panicking, she immediately lumbered to her feet.

"Oh, no," she murmured, looking up at the sky. It was still dark, but the first signs of morning were already edging over the night. The bird chirped again, and Lily flinched. This was not good.

Moron, she told herself angrily. Anyone could have come upon her.

Hagrid could have woken up and come outside... She gave herself a good smack in the head. Moron.

Lily strained her ears, waiting for a warning that someone else was awake. All she heard was a distant snoring coming from within Hagrid's hut. Oh, and that damned bird... That was good.

Glancing down, she saw that her wand was lying on the ground near her feet. Unfortunately, by looking down, she also saw her own feet. She grimaced. They definitely didn't look like the feet of the next head girl.

Reaching down, she grabbed up her wand and then hugged her frozen arms close to her body. She didn't know what time it was, but she knew that it was definitely time to get back to her room. Lily had never been out this late before, and she didn't care to find out what time Filch's alarm clock was set for. Supposing he had an alarm clock... She shook her head in exasperation. That was the last thing that she should be thinking about. That and blue eyes. No, she should definitely not think about blue eyes.

Glancing around the corner of Hagrid's hut, she saw that the coast was clear.

Well, here goes nothing, she thought grimly.

Taking a breath, she began to run. Her legs were stiff, but she couldn't waste time limping up to the castle.

Lily reached the entrance staircase without any problems and forced her aching feet to take them two at a time. Reaching out to grasp the large door-handle, she silently prayed that it wouldn't be locked. To her relief, it opened.

Let it be empty! There was no way that she would be able to lie right now under those piercing eyes of Dumbledore or even McGonagall. She would lose a million points for Gryffindor, and then everyone would find out about what James had done to her.

But it was empty.

Not taking this gift for granted, Lily began to run again. Her bare feet slapped loudly against the stone floor as she passed several portraits and corridors. A few of the portraits called after her, but she ignored them, hoping that they hadn't gotten a good enough look to be able to identify her later.

When she reached the moving staircases, she glanced around, half expecting Peeves to pop out at her. But he didn't.

This is almost too good to be true, she thought warily. But she didn't care. Knowing that her bed was only a matter of a few staircases away made her exhaustion return. She just wanted to go back to sleep. Maybe whatever deity there was up in the sky would take pity on her, and Lily would never have to wake up again.

It seemed to take a short millennium to move up the moving staircases, and then up the stairs to Gryffindor Tower. The Fat Lady was fast asleep in her portrait, and Lily had to say the password five times before the groggy Fat Lady allowed her entrance.

Please don't be waiting for me, Lily prayed silently as she climbed through the portrait hole. She couldn't handle him right now.

Glancing around the common room, she sighed. He wasn't there. The room was empty and dark except for the small amount of light provided by a few sparks that were still burning in the fireplace.

Trudging up the staircase to her dormitory, Lily began planning an excuse for her roommates if any of them were awake. She hoped they were still asleep, because she was much too tired to lie. Taking a shaky breath, she pushed open the door and looked in cautiously. Once again, the room was dark. A comfortable silence greeted her.

Lily slid into the room and closed the door behind her. She waited, but soon it became clear that her roommates were fast asleep. Letting out a breath of relief, she moved toward her bed.

She'd done it. No one had caught her.

Not even bothering to clean up in the bathroom first, Lily sank onto

her bed and welcomed the comforting arms of sleep.

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