Outward Appearances

Chapter 12: And The Mask Comes Off

After several unscheduled detours into empty classrooms and closets, Lily and James finally made it back to Gryffindor Tower.

Outside the portrait hole, James reached for her again, but this time Lily pushed him away.

"Someone will see," she said, glancing around nervously.

"Who cares?" He tried to pull her closer, but she avoided him again.

"I do," she snapped.

The look on James's face immediately made Lily regret the harshness of her tone.

"Ashamed of me, Luv?" he asked quietly.

Oh, crap. "No, I'm just... not ready yet," she said slowly, picking her words carefully. Just give me tonight, she begged silently. It had taken them an hour out of the way to finally get back, and Lily was already pressed for time now without having to deal with her roommates.

James didn't look pleased.

In desperation, she gripped his robes and pulled him down so that she could reach his mouth. Geez, the guy was tall. James kissed her back reluctantly. Sensing his hesitation, she pressed harder against his lips. Giving in, he wrapped his arms around her. After a moment, Lily pulled back, attempting to hide her triumphant smile. She hoped that was all it was ever going to take to win an argument with him.

Staring hard at her, James didn't loosen his hold. She squirmed slightly, uncomfortable with the proximity that lacked the previous heat.

"What are we now?" he asked.

Irritated, Lily pulled out of his embrace. "We should go in separately," she said, purposefully not looking at him.

"You didn't answer my question," he said stubbornly.

Damn it, he couldn't leave anything alone, could he? "Why do we have to put a label on it?" she complained.

"Look at me," he ordered, lifting her chin with his fingers. She met his gaze warily. So much for winning by means of a kiss.

"I told you that I won't be a fling, Lily," he said warningly.

"I know," she said quietly.

"Then.." He took a deep breath. "What are we?"

Butterflies jumped to life in her stomach. If she said the words, then she would be committing herself to another relationship--a * real * relationship. Lily had never been involved in what she would really call a real relationship because she had never particularly liked any of the guys she had gone out with. And if it weren't for the weeks Lily had spent tutoring him before there had been any romantic expectation, she probably wouldn't like James right now either.

"What do you want us to be?" she asked coyly, still carefully avoiding what he actually wanted to hear.

"You know what I want," he said warmly, nuzzling her cheek.

Lily smiled despite herself. Of course she did. She nuzzled him back, wondering if this was what snuggling was. She had never snuggled with a guy before in her life. What had James done to her?

Lily took a deep breath. "All right."

"Beg pardon?" he asked, pulling back enough to see her face clearly.

"Don't make me say it," she begged. Funny, with Remus she hadn't been too shy to rub her foot up his leg, let alone tell him exactly what she wanted. The memory made her flinch.

"Why?" he asked, twirling a strand of her hair around a finger.

"Because... I can't."

James raised an eyebrow. "Issues with commitment, Lily?" His eyes shone with amusement. "Isn't that supposed to be my privilege?"

She smirked. Apparently not.

"All right then," he said, sounding impatient. "Just tell me one thing. Is there an * us * now?"

Lily looked up into his face, holding her breath, and then nodded. The grin on James's face reminded her of a little boy. Of course, he had never really matured. But then again, the guy who she had just spent the past hour with was definitely a man. Which one was the real James? Her head was suddenly spinning.

Releasing her hair, James took Lily's hands in his. "I suppose this is worth the two weeks I had to spend listening to my grandfather rant at me about the suspension."

"Your grandfather lives with you?" she asked, enjoying the feeling of his thumb tracing circles on her palm.

"Nope. He made the trip especially to see me. Apparently he didn't think my father would be up to the task of dealing with me on his own." He laughed. "The man only lived with me for eleven years."

Lily smiled. She could easily imagine James at nine or ten terrorizing his family with homemade pranks. And lord, hadn't he known Sirius before school started? That would definitely be a horrifying combination for their parents. For anyone, really.

Lily suddenly bit her lip. The thought of Sirius brought another thought to mind.

"What?" he asked curiously.

She shrugged. Maybe it was too soon to talk about this. They had only been official for about two seconds. Wait, were they official?

"You know, it's really cute when you bite your lip like that, but it's also a dead give away," he joked. "What's the matter?"

Lily frowned. Either James was extremely perceptive, or else her face was just a mirror of her emotions. The latter would be terrifying to discover. "It doesn't bother you?" she asked quietly, staring at their entwined fingers.

"What?"

"You know, Sirius," she said uncomfortably. "And Remus."

James was suddenly quiet, and Lily braved looking up. He was staring at their hands now, that distant expression back on his face.

"James?"

"Hmn?"

"What are you thinking?" Lily asked hesitantly. She had been right; it was too soon to talk about anything this personal.

"I've known Sirius since I was five," he said quietly. "He's almost an extension of me. But.."

Lily didn't say anything.

"Well, imagine if Arabella suddenly came out to you."

Lily smirked. "I don't want to imagine that."

James nodded, a bitter smile playing on his face. "I felt pretty stupid for not figuring it out after all these years."

It suddenly occurred to Lily that after this confession she wouldn't be able to get out of this thing with James. Not after this... Was he purposefully confiding in her? She immediately felt guilty. Why was she already thinking of ways to get out?

"But Sirius needed me-still does-so I'm learning to cope. It isn't too bad, since I'm basically the only one who knows, besides you. They don't do anything too obvious around anyone. Peter doesn't even know yet."

"He doesn't?" Lily asked, surprised. "Why not?" She didn't bother mentioning that Arabella knew about them too.

James laughed, and Lily was relieved to see his expression lighten. "The dolt just isn't too observant."

A giggle suddenly echoed up the stone stairway, causing Lily to jump. Someone was coming. "We should go in."

James nodded, but he didn't move.

"Um, James?" she asked worriedly. The footsteps were becoming louder.

"You go first," he said stiffly, letting go of her hands. James leaned back against the wall, folding his arms.

She eyed him warily. What was with the sudden change of mood? "Are you okay?"

"How long is it going to be like this?" he asked irritably.

Lily eyed him warily. Was sulking going to be a regular habit with him?

"Just until tomorrow," she promised. He didn't respond. Annoyed, she glanced toward the stairs. Whoever was coming wasn't in view yet. Quickly making up her mind, Lily leapt forward and grabbed his face between her hands. She kissed him hurriedly, and then muttered, "Tetalus Mortifus," at the Fat Lady, who had been watching them with discomfort. Grinning, she stepped through the Portrait Hole, leaving James with a similar smile on his face.

She glanced around the Common Room cautiously. There was no sign of her fellow sixth years. Deidlan Domerly, who was never above hanging out with the first years, was playing a game of Checkers with one. Suddenly feeling jovial, she walked over to the couch and ruffled his hair.

"Having fun, boys?" she asked cheerfully, leaving them gapping at her while she bounded up the stairs to her room.

Why not? It wasn't as if they were getting married or anything. There was no harm in dating, was there? And it could work out. Hell, it probably would have happened sooner if James weren't such an arrogant bastard. She laughed delightedly. One of his more charming traits that she would definitely have to work on.

Pushing open the door, Lily was suddenly shoved aside. A tall figure brushed past, stomping down the staircase. Shocked, she stared at his retreating back. Wasn't that Marcella's boyfriend? Rex, or something? What was he doing in the Gryffindor Girls' Dorm?

Shaking her head, she looked into the room curiously. It was empty except for Marcella, who was sitting on her bed with her back to Lily.

Following the pattern they had fallen into over the past few weeks, Lily ignored Marcella and went over to her own bed. Not knowing what else to do with herself, she dropped onto her knees in front of her trunk and began riffling through it, as if looking for something. How was she going to get rid of Marcella? She risked a glance at her out of the corner of her eye.

Marcella hadn't moved. Back straight, she was staring straight ahead. Lily stopped pretending to search her trunk, and stared openly at her. She wondered fleetingly if someone had put a hex on her.

Defying her own rule, Lily quietly called, "Marcella?"

The girl blinked, and looked at Lily as if she hadn't noticed her come in. Then she abruptly stood and walked out.

Lily glared after her. See when she talked to Marcella again. But she was gone, and that was all that mattered. Crawling over to the side of her bed, she reached under and gripped the black bag and pulled it out. There was some dust on it, so Lily brushed it off before setting it on her bed.

Standing up, Lily took a breath. Reaching behind her neck, she unclasped her necklace and stared down at it. The golden stag horns gleamed innocently at her. They were still warm from her skin. She sighed, and pulled open the bottom drawer of her cabinet. Shoving some clothes out of the way, Lily dropped the necklace in and covered it up. After closing it, Lily stared at the drawer.

If she was really going to try to ride this thing out with James, she couldn't very well keep seeing the Stag. It wouldn't be right. Surprisingly, Lily wasn't as disappointed as she thought she would be. Yes, it would be hard to say goodbye for good, but in reality the Stag was hardly more than a fantasy. James was real. He was the one who was here every day.

But there was one thing she had to do before she could really begin this with James. One thing she needed to see.

Grabbing the bag, she went into the bathroom to do her make-up.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The dress was silky between her fingers. It was red, and cut in a relatively Roman style. Off-the-shoulder, the small garment fell around the middle portion of her thighs in soft pleats. It resembled a more modern version of a toga.

After her talk with Remus in Merlin's Beard, Lily had been struck with an idea.

Leaving Remus, she had gone into Justinian's Costumry, where she had gotten her other costumes. At the time, it had seemed like a good idea, but now the dress looked too revealing for a goodbye.

Lily hesitated to put it on. She had always dressed in the tunnel before, but now it no longer held the same security of privacy. That was not necessarily a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it gave her a small thrill to know that Remus could come down the staircase at any moment.

But at the same time, she couldn't help but wonder if Remus wasn't the only one who used her tunnel.

Shrugging off her unease, she began undoing the buttons on her sweater. If Remus or anyone else came down the stairs, she would hear them in enough time to cover up-not that it would affect Remus in the slightest to see Lily in all her glory.

Shedding the school uniform, Lily shivered as the cold air collided with her skin. She hastily picked up the dress and pulled it over her head. Unfortunately the slinky dress did little to protect her from the cool draft.

Lily smoothed the fabric out, smiling at the comfortable fit.

Justinian was a god. In a matter of minutes, he had completely planned out her entire outfit and supplied her with the costume. Maybe she'd send him a fruit basket.

Plopping down on the blanket, she quickly selected a pair of black sandals. Pulling them on, she reached for the sash.

But when she held it against the crimson material, she realized with distress that it completely clashed with the dress.

Lily bit her lip, contemplating. Now what? Leaving her wand would leave her vulnerable, not to mention stumbling around in the dark hoping that she would eventually hit the end of the tunnel. But being a conscientious teenage girl, she couldn't very well knowingly ruin her carefully planned outfit. Maybe if she changed the color? Yes, that would work! Lily had never transfigured solely the color of an object, but why not?

Grabbing her wand, she concentrated on the sash. After a moment, it gave a shudder and started twisting violently. Fascinated, Lily watched as the color became distorted, and then finally turned into a crimson color. She held it up to her dress to compare, and smiled when she realized it matched now. Folding it in two, she tied it around her waist.

That left one ornament to go.

With a tint of sadness, she picked up the new mask from Justinian's.

Her own horns.

They were shorter and thinner than the Stag's, giving them an original look. Lily had loved it immediately. Of course, the stag horns on her mask made the removal of her necklace rather pointless.

Settling it onto her face, Lily stood up. She pointed the wand at her head and muttered, "Curlios."

While her hair twisted and curled, she performed her tattoo spell on her limbs and silently promised herself that she would try to get the patterns to come out a different color in the future.

When she was done, she ran the brush through her hair and then threw everything back into her back. Picking it up, she shoved it into a crevice of the stonewall. Lily would never just leave it lying around again.

Fluffing her hair, Lily muttered, "Lumos," and ran down the tunnel.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As she approached the building, Lily smiled. The strain of Sieranda's boredom really showed in the decorative extensions she had added to her dress shop. Not only was the building taller, but also everything from Christmas lights to things she must have found along the ground were plastered to its sides-Lily was almost sure that she could a wreath of banana peals around one of the windows.

She chuckled, making a mental note to help Sieranda find a hobby.

Participants had spilled from the building, and were dancing around in the street. Someone dressed in flamboyant yellow bumped into a non-costumed witch carrying a shopping bag. The bag fell from her arms, spilling its contents onto the street.

As Lily pushed her way through the door, she could hear the woman screaming about Sieranda's hooligans.

Lily gasped. From the outside the shop had looked taller, but now, staring up on the inside, the walls seemed to climb on forever. The exotic plants that usually claimed the room had doubled in number, and there were types that Lily was sure never had any right to exist. A swimming pool-sized red flower actually had teeth, and was snapping at anyone who came too close.

She shivered. Sieranda definitely needed a hobby.

What looked like golden butterflies were fluttering above the crowd on the dance floor. To her surprise, one of them landed on Lily's shoulder. But when she tried to touch it, it literally disintegrated into a pile of golden glitter.

Brushing it off, she pushed her way toward the bar.

Leaning against it, she surveyed the potential buyers. Maybe the big guy on the other side of the circular bar?

There was suddenly a light tap on her shoulder. Lily froze. Her heartbeat sped up. This was it. He was standing behind her. She had just gotten here, and already she was going to have to say goodbye.

She turned slowly, bracing herself. But when she saw who-or what-had tapped her, Lily shrieked. Jumping backward, she collided with another body. The person shoved her away.

Lily, still staring, suddenly groaned.

"Sieranda!" she growled.

"Sorry, Dear," she said, lifting the horrendous crocodile headpiece up so that she could see properly. "Didn't mean to give you a fright."

Lily glared at the atrocity while she attempted to slow down her heart rate. She had forgotten about that damn crocodile headpiece. But her irritation immediately changed to shock as she took in the rest of Sieranda's costume.

"What the--"

"Oooohhh don't you just love it?" she cried, mistaking Lily's horror for admiration. She did a little twirl, her arms out so that Lily could get the full view.

"Err--" was all she could manage in reply.

Sieranda's dress was made up entirely of crocodile scales, from her neck down to her heals. Even her shoes had scales on them. But that wasn't the odd part. Around her neck, she had a humungous stuffed snake that looked as if it had been slithering around in the grass only moments before. The snake's tail had gigantic rings on it, much like Sieranda's fingers.

"Isn't he precious? I named him Cuddles!" she said, rubbing her cheek against it affectionately.

Before Lily could digest that, the snake hissed. She jumped.

"That thing is alive!" she cried, pointing accusingly.

"Of course," Sieranda said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "He was a present from Christophe Verna. I think the lad has something of a crush on me," she said, winking conspiratorially.

Lily just shook her head. It looked as if Christophe Verna felt quite the opposite.

"Of course, he is five years younger than me..." Sieranda said thoughtfully. "Do you think that counts as cradle-robbing?"

"But it's huge," Lily said dumbly, still stuck on the snake.

Sieranda smiled and nuzzled it again. "And gentle as a lamb. Speaking of which, it's time to feed him!"

Lily cringed. That was a mental picture she didn't need.

"I'll see you later," she chirped happily, disappearing into the crowd.

Lily stared after her. Maybe she should introduce Sieranda to Hagrid. Then again, Cuddles didn't look like he would be above devouring Hagrid's already--huge puppy Fang.

Shuddering, Lily turned back to the problem at hand: getting a drink.

The man she had been eyeing was gone now, but another big guy dressed like something that resembled a grindylow had taken his place.

Putting on her best smile, Lily sauntered up to him and leaned against the bar next to him. He grinned at her, and Lily noticed that several of his teeth were missing.

Attempting to mask her disgust, she indicated toward the bar tender. But the Grindylow ignored the gesture, and moved closer until they were touching.

Irritated, she moved backward. Just get me a drink you sick bastard, she thought angrily.

Her attitude seemed to encourage him because his grin widened and he moved closer again.

Rolling her eyes, Lily turned around and made her way toward the dance floor. Forget the drink.

She scanned the crowd, searching for the Stag. No horns were visible from her vantage point.

Sighing, she pushed her way deeper into the pulsing body. The song was fast and the kind that demanded to be danced to.

Closing her eyes, Lily clasped her hands and raised them above her head, swaying back and forth. It had only been a few weeks, but it felt like it had been forever since the last party.

The song steadily grew in pace, and Lily began banging her head back and forth, flaying her hair in all directions. Maybe she would bring James next time. The thought brought a smile to her face. If he didn't want to be a fling, than James was going to have to be introduced to certain things and like them or they would never make it.

Big hands suddenly clasped onto her hips tightly and a body pressed into her. Annoyed, she shifted uncomfortably. It was harder to dance with his grip being so tight. Craning her neck so that she could give her a partner a warning, Lily frowned.

That Grindylow again.

Pulling away forcibly, she pushed her way to the opposite end of the crowd. Some guys could just not take a hint.

Once she was closer to the edge, she shook her limbs out and attempted to get back into the beat. A thin guy, whose costume she couldn't place, was eyeing her shyly, and she winked at him.

It was dark, but she was sure he blushed. Lily smiled. At least there were still guys who blushed; the kind who didn't feel they could immediately stake a claim when they saw something they liked.

She pointed at him and indicated that she wanted him to join her.

A goofy grin on his face, he started to move toward her, but he was suddenly shoved aside by a larger body.

Lily immediately took a step backward. That damned Grindylow again!

As he pushed toward her, Lily felt the first stab of fear. She turned around and began hastily shoving her way toward the wall.

Boy, she sure knew how to pick them.

Reaching the wall, she began following it toward the door, but a hand grabbed her wrist.

"Leave me alone!" she yelled, struggling to pull away.

The Grindylow just grinned at her and pressed her harshly into the wall.

Lily screamed, but it was hardly audible over the music. Large hands started roaming over her, and she began to panic.

"Stop it!" she screamed, but he pressed his mouth to hers. Lily felt a strong urge to gage. He reeked of alcohol and the harsh stubble on his chin scratched at her face. Squeezing her eyes shut, Lily tried to push him off. He was stronger than her, and didn't budge.

No-no-no-no-no-leave me alone-no-no-no...

But just as a slimy tongue touched her lower lip, he was suddenly gone.

Blinking open her eyes, she stared down at the motionless body. Well, motionless except for the eyes that were wide and jumping around in anger.

Standing over him was her Stag.

Sighing in relief, Lily felt her legs begin to crumble beneath her. Strong arms were instantly around her, holding her up.

She stared up at him. How did he always find her, even when she had a different costume every time they met?

The strong need to see his face returned to her.

He was examining her, probably looking for sign of injury, not even noticing her hand raise toward his face.

This was it. Before she could ever completely put her all into a relationship with James, before she said goodbye, she needed to see his face.

Reaching up, she gripped the mask and pulled.

And stared in horror.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *