Outward Appearances

Outward Appearances

Chapter 11: Goat Eyes and Warm Desks

Merlin, she wanted a cigarette.

Lily didn't know why she'd allowed Mundungus to talk her into coming to this group study session. There were select students from every house assembled in Tilandi's classroom, and the professor was busy writing out a practice assignment on the blackboard. She appreciated that they all had an important test coming up in Tilandi's Potions class, but there was something must more pressing on her mind at the moment.

Last night, she had been so distracted by the dinner with her family that she had completely forgotten about the masque at Sieranda's until she had found the note delivered to her windowsill when they had gotten back. Now, the necklace under her collar felt like it was burning into her skin.

Just a few more hours...

Then, there was James, who had shown up late to class and had chosen a seat just behind her. She may have just been sensitive at the moment, but Lily suspected that he had sat there on purpose.

Jerk.

His very presence was driving her insane, and-- oh, yes-- he had planned it that way.

To further her irritation, Remus kept sending her these knowing looks. Luckily for her, they had been told to divide into partners for their practice solution, and Remus had chosen a table in the back with Black. It was lovely, because she didn't have to see his stupid smirks. She hadn't realized how absolutely annoying Lupin could be. It was a good thing they hadn't become an item, because she probably would have murdered him by now.

Now, Xavier Gallaway, on the other hand, was sitting directly in front of her, and it wasn't doing her a bit of good to be out of his direct line of vision. He kept turning around to try and catch her eye. For some reason, the moron thought that they were still dating. It confounded her, because she hadn't even so much as acknowledged him since Hogsmeade. She had to make a desperate grab for Mundungus before Gallaway was able to claim her as a partner.

Lily's entire day had been filled with this same level of tension. History of Magic had been particularly horrible, because they shared it with the Slytherins. Severus had kept his gaze straight-ahead most of class, but it hadn't spared him the cruel attentions of a certain Mr. Black. There was something different about him, and she couldn't put her finger on what it was, but she knew that she didn't like it.

The tension surrounding Snape finally reached a climax after Black had made one comment too many. Professor Binns remained oblivious as always, and he obviously couldn't hear Black over the sound of his own droning.

It was only a stupid crack about Severus not being able to afford shampoo at home, but it was enough to make him snarl and turn around to face his tormenter.

Lily had waited with baited breath for a hex or even just a sharp barb of wit. Black seemed to expect much of the same, because he was smirking, but she noticed his hand inching towards his wand. Remus was clearly worried, but he kept his eyes resolutely on the notes that he couldn't have possibly been listening close enough to write. Lily marveled that he could even attempt to pretend to have the ability to concentrate with Black sitting next to him and with his continued baiting of Severus.

They all waited for a deserved act of retribution, but Severus surprised them all. It seemed for a moment that he might hex Black, but after only a piercing stare, Severus had merely smiled and gone back to his notes. That had clearly thrown off even the composed Black.

The memory of Snape's smile had stayed with Lily throughout the rest of the day. It had been smug and patient, and she worried about why. She didn't worry for Black, because he deserved whatever he had coming, but she worried for Severus himself. It wasn't like him to behave this way. That smile...

It wasn't until all of the students were finally shuffling out of the room that Snape finally returned Lily's gaze. It was as if Severus had never seen her before, and he was disgusted by what he saw. The intensity of his revulsion had given Lily shivers way into her next class.

The only house that she didn't dread sharing classes with now was Hufflepuff. No one from that house had ever displayed a romantic interest in her, and she hoped it stayed that way. She was starting to leave a rather bitter and deluded trail behind her.

However, the most upsetting part of Lily's day so far was that James had made absolutely no effort to talk to her since he had returned to Hogwarts. She wished that she had never bothered to come to this study session. It was a sure sign of masochism if there ever was one.

"Will you stop that?" Mundungus suddenly snapped.

Lily looked up in alarm. "What?"

He gave her an incredulous look. "You've been drumming your fingers and tapping your foot for the last fifteen minutes, and you keep looking at your watch. It's making me nervous." He shuddered for effect.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, clasping her hands in her lap.

"And you could at least pretend to help me with this potion," he said sulkily.

Lily frowned at that. Granted, she wasn't contributing to the assignment, but it wasn't like Mundungus to snap at her. As a matter of fact, she hadn't seen him in a bad mood for as long as she could remember, with the notable exception of the time after he had lost control of his broom during their second flying lesson and fallen on top of Tilandi, who had come out to watch. Tilandi had deducted 30 points from Ravenclaw, and no one was particularly happy with him for it, least of all himself.

"I'm sorry," Lily repeated, picking up a knife. She pulled a tray of salamander tails closer and began cutting them up.

"What's up with you today, Lily?" he grumbled. She could have asked the same thing of him, but Lily just shrugged.

Just then, Vivian let out a high giggle, and Mundungus' hand slipped. He accidentally sliced one of the goat eyes in half.

"Damn it!" he yelled, throwing down the knife.

Lily stared at him in plain shock. She must have damaged her eardrums at some point, because surely she hadn't just heard Mundungus swear? She couldn't remember him ever doing it before, and this definitely wasn't the first time he had the case of the butterfingers. How odd.

She noticed Arabella lift a curious eyebrow at her from across the room, but Lily could only shrug at her.

Vivian giggled again, and Lily sent her an annoyed glare. It was a shame she couldn't put a silencing spell on her roommate. Why was she even there? Her eyes fell on the boyfriend next to her, and it clicked into place. Like Bella, her significant other must have dragged her here. A smile tugged at her lips at the thought of her friends miraculously turning over a more studious leaf due to their obviously better halves. It was an unlikely, but amusing, thought.

Lily's eyes suddenly widened in recognition as she realized the source of Mundungus' problem. Vivian was sitting with her new boyfriend. She glanced at his stormy expression and felt guilty. Lily had been so preoccupied with her own problems that she had completely forgotten about his crush on Vivian. With Vivian's recent harping about him, it really should have struck a cord.

"I'll curse her hairbrush if you want me to," she offered sympathetically.

His eyes snapped up to hers. "What?"

"It'll turn her hair green for a week," she said, smiling. "I promise." She had a rather bitter memory of James pulling that one on her some years back. She doubted if he remembered it, but she definitely did.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said stiffly.

Lily sighed. Fine, he could be that way, but he better snap out of it soon on his own, because she definitely didn't like the drastic change in his character.

Abandoning Greg, Arabella came over to their table. "You okay, Fletcher?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he snapped, picking up the knife again and cutting harshly into some roots.

Arabella's eyebrows shot up, and she gave Lily an incredulous look. Behind his back, Lily nodded toward Vivian. Arabella glanced at them, and she nodded in understanding. Then, she promptly picked up one of the available goat eyes from their tray. With surprising force, she hurled it towards the back of Vivian's head. The eye hit its target with a loud squishing noise, and it immediately became helplessly tangled in her hair.

Reaching behind her, Vivian shrieked when her fingers connected with something thick and slimy. The boyfriend quickly moved to pull it out, and Vivian sprang around in her seat to see who had thrown it.

When Vivian's eyes fell on her, Arabella quickly turned around, too, pretending to look for the culprit. Lily hid a snicker behind her hand.

"It's nice to see demonstrated maturity in our sixth years," she said sarcastically.

Mundungus looked up. "What?" He hadn't seen the soggy projectile.

Arabella shrugged. "Hey, I never claimed to be mature."

"Of course not," she said with a smirk, "but shouldn't you be helping Greg with your potion?"

Arabella waved a dismissive hand. "He may not be too bright in general, but the boy definitely knows what he's doing in a classroom. Go figure that."

Sometimes, Lily really didn't understand her friend. It was beyond her why Arabella was still with Greg Darvins. If she recalled correctly, he was supposed to be serving as a rebound board. She had definitely noticed the longing looks Bella was still sending over to Black, so Greg obviously wasn't doing his job.

But Greg had remained nice to her, despite his conflict of interest, so Lily kept her mouth shut about it. She didn't want to encourage anything detrimental to him, like his rejection at Bella's hands.

"Hey, Fletcher? You ever had lobster?" Arabella asked suddenly.

He looked up from his roots, and Arabella proceeded to tell him about her first encounter with Muggles. Lily tuned them out. Another glance at her watch told her that there was only a minute left. Tilandi was only holding them until the top of the hour. Her heartbeat increased. Almost...

"Look! She's doing it again!" Mundungus cried in frustration.

Lily gave him a sheepish smile, but her eyes quickly returned to the watch.

Ten... Nine... Eight...

"I wonder what would happen if I accidentally smashed that godforsaken watch," Arabella mused.

"You'd wake up with that pretty hair of yours severed around you," Lily shot back.

Three... Two... One--

"Yes!" she said triumphantly.

"I hate to burst your bubble," Mundungus said, "but we haven't finished the potion."

She frowned with dismay. "Why not?"

Gus rolled his eyes. "Maybe because you haven't been helping me. Why did you come to the study session if you weren't even going to contribute or pay attention?"

Lily scowled and starting shoving things into the cauldron. "Shut it, Gus," she said. "I only came because you forced me to."

"I pity the man who tries to force you into anything," he said dully.

Arabella laughed and then patted Gus sympathetically on the shoulder. "So do we all," she said with a wink for Lily before she returned to Greg's side.

Mundungus watched her hasty movements with a worried expression on his face. "You do know what you're doing, don't you? I mean, you weren't even paying attention..."

"I can do this potion in my sleep," she said breezily. "It's a snap." She gave him a bright smile as she adjusted the heat beneath the cauldron. "See? I didn't need to be here."

"I hate you," he said with a sigh.

Tilandi came by and inspected the potion. He nodded sullenly and continued on, apparently approving their work. Lily gave Gus a triumphant smile, and then she began cleaning up. Most of the other students were also cleaning up. Out of the corner of her eye, she glanced toward James' table to make sure that he hadn't left yet.

Her heart gave a small twinge. James' station was all cleaned up, and his partner was already gone, but he was still standing there. He was watching her, and he was obviously waiting. Blue eyes met green ones, and Lily faltered when panic suddenly fluttered through her stomach. Maybe she wasn't ready for this after all.

Lily put her shaky focus into cleaning, and she refused to look at him again until after she had put away the last phial. He was still clearly waiting, but his face was completely blank. He was better at this than she was.

"We'll see you later," Arabella whispered in her ear. Lily jumped in surprise. She hadn't realized that her friend had rejoined them.

Smiling, Arabella pulled a very confused Mundungus toward the door. On her way, she also grabbed Xavier, who appeared to be heading for her, and she dragged them both out of the room. Lily made a mental note to thank her later.

They stared at each other. Lily took in his tall frame, wondering how her gaze could have slid right over him all these years. They were alone now, except for--

"I don't know about you Gryffindors, but I'd like to close up for the weekend," Tilandi snapped from right beside her.

Lily felt her face heat up, and it got worse when Tilandi said, "You two can continue your staring contest in the hall, if you don't mind."

Humiliated, Lily began shoving things-- including an open inkbottle-- into her bag. She turned to leave, but James abruptly grabbed her hand and pulled her out after him. Her immediate thought, beneath her surprise, was that James' hand was perfect. Rosier's hands had been incurably cold, and Xavier's were dry and rough from Quidditch. James must have worn gloves when he played, because his hand was smooth and fit snugly with hers. It was an odd thing to notice, but it was better than thinking about what would happen when they stopped walking.

Lily felt a surge of nerves as James pulled her into another classroom. Unsurprisingly, the room was empty. James quickly released her hand, and Lily immediately missed the warmth of him. He turned around to lock the door.

Afraid that I might make a break for it? she wondered.

She dropped her bag onto the floor and awkwardly looked around the room for lack of anything better to do. James was watching her now.

Finally, the tension got to her, and she said, "I guess we need to talk."

He lifted an eyebrow, his face still blank. "Do we?"

Irritation swelled up in her at his feigned indifference. Had he or had he not just pulled her into this room?

"I thought we did," she said uncertainly. Was he seriously going to play mind games now?

James sighed. "I don't know. I've had two weeks to think about this and--"

Oh, no. Please, please don't say what I think you're going to say.

"I just don't think that this is a good idea anymore," he said flatly.

The weight of her disappointment surprised even Lily. Part of her had even been expecting to have to be the one to say that there was no future for them. Despite the attraction she could no longer deny, she knew that they weren't suited to each other. Up until recently, he had been very low on her list of appropriate people. After Rosier, she had significantly raised her standards.

But now that the words were said... and by him... Well...

"Oh," was all she said, and she did her best to keep her voice light and unaffected.

There was an uncomfortable silence, and Lily struggled to keep her expression as distant as his. There was no way that she was going to give James Potter the satisfaction of knowing that she cared. But even as she thought this, there was an unfamiliar urge to cry. She gritted her teeth in irritation at her own weakness.

Fearing that she may actually cry, Lily picked up her bag and started for the door. There was no need to prolong this any further.

Everything is fine, she assured herself. Or it would be as long as she could get back to her room and into the bathroom before she broke down. Once she was there, Lily could concentrate on getting Potter out of her mind. There was still Sieranda's party later, and after enough to drink, she wouldn't be able to think about him if she wanted to.

James caught her arm, and she immediately yanked away from him.

"Don't touch me!" she cried with more emotion in her voice than she would have liked.

"Don't be that way, Lily," he said quietly.

"Which way is that, Potter?" she growled. "Because if you think that little kiss meant anything to me, then you are dead wrong!"

Lily knew that she should just stop talking, but once she got started, she couldn't stop herself. "Just because you don't want me doesn't mean that there sure as hell aren't other guys that do!"

"No kidding?" he snipped. "And I'm the womanizer, Lily? From what I hear, you haven't even broken up with Gallaway yet!"

Shocked, Lily stared at him. Was that what he was worried about?

"Am I right?" he challenged.

Well, technically she hadn't. "That's over with," she said, "and we were never really together in the first place." She was happy to see that his face was turning pink, and the blank mask was completely gone now.

He gave a barking laugh. "How convenient."

Lily bristled. "What the heck is your problem, Potter?"

His eyes narrowed and he pointed an accusing finger at her. "You are my problem, Evans. You know, I'm surprised that you're even here right now," he said bitterly. "Did you feel like playing with one of your pawns? Is that why you're actually giving me the time of day?"

"I don't have pawns," she managed through gritted teeth, "and I am no longer giving you any time!"

She tried to get by him, but James grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to look him in the eye. "Am I just another Rosier or Gallaway to you, Lily?" he asked in a much softer voice, and his face now distractingly close.

She blinked at that. He knew about Evan?

"Just tell me one thing." His expression became more pained, and she absently dropped her bag. "When you kissed me, were you picturing Remus?"

Horrified, she yanked away from him. How could he even ask her that? "No! No, you blasted idiot! It was all you!"

James stared at her, as if judging her sincerity, and then he nodded. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again.

"Will you get bored after a few weeks and give up?"

Wait-- Huh? "What?" she asked, confused.

In a swift motion, James had pulled her back into his arms. Shocked, Lily didn't even think to pull away. Were they still fighting? She suddenly couldn't remember.

"I don't want to be a fling, Lily," he said softly.

She was too distracted by his hand on her back to respond properly, so she just nodded.

His breath caressed her cheek, reminding her of the almost-kiss in the hallway.

"You'll dump Gallaway?" he asked. His lips were so close.

She nodded again. Yes, anything.

Then, James kissed her.

Immediately, she felt that this one was different from the kiss in Hogsmeade. James needed reassurance, and his mouth was hungry on hers. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she tilted her head back to give him better access. Maybe it was because the room was so cold in comparison, but James' mouth seemed to burn. His whole body was warm, and Lily pressed into him, receiving a low moan in response. One of his arms remained tightly wrapped around her, and he tangled his free hand in her hair.

Lily's body was fizzing. James gently bit her lower lip, sucking it into his mouth. Her legs abruptly turned to jelly. She dug her hands into his wild hair if only to have something solid beneath her hands. Everything was spinning, and James' hands on her were the only things left to steady her.

It was amazing and new, and oh yes, she definitely preferred it when James wasn't talking.

His tongue was demanding access into her mouth, and Lily complied eagerly, parting her lips for him. Once again, James took control and guided her tongue to mingle with his. She allowed him to lead her, enjoying his dominance. Shivers danced up and down her back. Why on earth had she avoided this for so long?

Without breaking contact between their mouths, James lifted her up so that she was sitting on one of the desks. Lily immediately wrapped her legs tightly around his waist. She moaned a protest when he suddenly pulled out of her mouth.

"Let go, Lily," he said in a husky voice.

"No," she responded, pulling him back in for another kiss. He kissed her back hungrily, but soon broke it off again.

"I can't get up if you don't let go," he explained.

She immediately relinquished her hold on him and moved back so that James could climb over her. When he was securely on top, Lily wrapped her legs around him again. Another kiss, and then James moved down to her neck. She moaned again at the sensation, which prompted him to suck harder on the skin. She buried her hands in his hair and nibbled playfully at his ear.

This had to be heaven. The fact that they were in a classroom didn't seem to matter. Had they just been arguing? Lily shivered as James' hands moved up and down her sides.

If this had been anyone else, then she would have stopped him before they'd gotten this far. But it wasn't. It was James, and for some reason that made all the difference. She wasn't going to let him shag her, but there was no harm in a little groping. Lily pulled him back up to her mouth.

"Why is this door locked?"

They both tensed and sent startled looks at the door. Oh, dear.

Leaping off of Lily, James pulled her up off of the desk. He went to unlock the door, and she hastily straightened her clothes out. James opened the door, and he was roughly shoved aside as a small wizard in a large hat pushed his way in.

"What are you doing in my classroom?" he demanded, looking around as if expecting to spot clear signs of foul play.

"Absolutely nothing, Professor," James answered as he quickly collected both of their bags. He grabbed Lily's hand, and before the little man could ask anything else, they were both out the door and down the hall.

Once they had turned a corner, James immediately dropped the bags and roughly pressed her into the wall. Her heart racing, Lily gripped the front of his robes and kissed him back.

James' eyes were bright and it warmed Lily to know that she had something to do with it. Hell, she had everything to do with it.

"Meet me tonight," he said, nuzzling her cheek. "In the Astronomy Tower."

Her heart skipped a beat. He wanted to go there? Already? She knew what people did in the Astronomy Tower. There couldn't be any shagging, but there were other things that a couple could do. A part of her was excited at the prospect, but she couldn't. Not tonight, anyway.

"Tomorrow," she suggested.

"Why?" he asked, pulling back slightly so that he could look into her eyes.

"I..." Oh man. How was she going to get out of this? "I have to be somewhere."

He didn't say anything, but when Lily tried to get him to kiss her again, he avoided her. "Don't go, Lily."

She stared at him. His face was serious, and Lily wondered if she had offended him. "I have to. But tomorrow we can--"

He interrupted her earnestly. "You don't need to go, Lily. Not anymore."

What was he going on about? She understood that the prospects that laid in the Astronomy Tower were, to say the least, appealing, but they didn't have to go right this second.

Seeming to sense his mistake, James kissed her again. Happy that she had escaped an argument, Lily sighed contentedly into his mouth.

"I guess I can wait until tomorrow," he said, still sounding disappointed. "Early tomorrow. I'm talking about immediately tomorrow. The sun doesn't even need to be up."

Smiling, Lily gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "Just don't get suspended again between now and then."

James gave her a crooked smile. "Not a chance in hell."

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