Outward Appearances

Chapter 5: Library Hints

Standing in the doorway, Lily did a quick survey of the library. The front tables were empty, but she could see a few students wandering through the bookcases. Arabella squirmed at her side.

"I cannot believe what I do for you!" she growled through clenched teeth. "You realize that, at this very moment, I could be sipping hot chocolate with Greg Darvins? You know, the Ravenclaw Seeker? But no, I'm in this hell hole--or what you would call, a library--on a perfectly lovely Sunday afternoon."

Lily looked at her in surprise. "The Ravenclaw Seeker? How did that happen?"

Arabella smiled mischievously. "Mungdungus accidentally spilled his eggs all over Greg's lap. Lucky for him that I was there with a towel."

Lily smirked. "How convenient. Now, when did this take place?"

"This morning, at breakfast. I tried to wake you, but you were out cold."

"I thought that you had a thing for Sirius," she said, purposely ignoring the reference to her odd sleep habits.

Arabella shrugged nonchalantly. "He doesn't need another groupie in his fan club."

Lily raised an eyebrow. Sirius had always had groupies, practically since he had stepped off of the Hogwarts Express, and that had never put Arabella off before. Although she was tempted to push the subject, there were more pressing matters at hand.

"So tell me why exactly you needed me to come Remus-stalking with you?"

"I'm hardly stalking him, but I need you to distract whomever he's with, so that I can have a moment of privacy with him. He's never alone!" she complained.

Arabella gave her a searching look. "After this, you're going to owe me, and, among many other things that you will be doing for me, I want to know why you're devoting so much energy into avoiding James."

"Who says that I'm avoiding James?" she asked irritably.

Before Arabella could reply, Lily grabbed her arm. James and Sirius had appeared from behind a bookcase, and appeared to be heading to the checkout desk with an arm-full of books each.

"Go!" Lily shoved Arabella toward them, before ducking behind the nearest bookcase. She moved along the aisles until she spotted him, sitting alone at a table near the back. His head was bent over a large book, his forehead wrinkled in concentration.

Smiling, Lily plopped into the chair next to him. "Hey."

To say that Remus looked startled would be a supreme understatement. Jumping, he quickly slammed the book he was reading shut. When he realized who had sat down, he visibly relaxed.

"Hey, Lily," he said softly, not meeting her gaze.

Not quite the reaction she had been planning on.

From their table, she had a perfect view of Arabella, who was blocking Sirius and James's way, apparently in the middle of some detailed story, judging from her fluent hand movements. Lily hoped that she was at least being entertaining, if nothing else.

"What are you reading?" she asked, glancing at his book.

Remus moved his arm to cover the book's title, but not quickly enough.

"Animagi?" she asked curiously. Why was he embarrassed to be reading a book about Animagi?

"What can I help you with?" he asked abruptly.

Lily fought the urge to bite her lip in frustration. He wasn't making this as easy as she had hoped. "Nothing. I just wanted to talk to you."

Remus stared at her, and then a corner of his mouth quirked upward. He leaned back in his chair and folded his hands. "Oh? This wouldn't have something to do with James, would it?"

James? Why was Remus bringing up James? "No," she snapped. Lily immediately regretted her tone, but also couldn't help being annoyed. Why did everything have to be about bloody James Potter?

He raised an eyebrow. "No? Then what, Lily?"

Lily wanted to shake him. She didn't want to even think about James, let alone talk about him with Remus.

Against her will, Lily's eyes flicked over to him. She almost jumped when she realized that he was staring back at her. Sirius was also looking, an odd scowl on his face. Both boys seemed to be ignoring Arabella, who was still desperately trying to recapture their attention. Damn.

"He's been moping around the dorms ever since that day you tutored him," Remus said mildly. "Why do you suppose that is?" He seemed oblivious to their audience.

Now he was playing the shrink? Lily found that she didn't particularly like the way a smirk looked on his normally sweet mouth. "I wouldn't know, Remus," she said, matching his even tone.

Lily flinched as she heard Arabella let out a high, false laugh, but she kept her eyes on Remus. "Are you going to Hogsmeade next weekend?" she asked, anxious to change the subject.

He didn't respond immediately, thrown off by her abruptness. "Um, yeah. Of course. Why?"

She smiled. Now they were getting somewhere. "Maybe you'll buy me a butterbeer?"

"Butterbeer?" Remus asked, looking confused.

Okay, maybe words weren't going to cut it.

Lily scooted her chair closer, until their legs were brushing. Before Remus could react, she reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. She smiled. It was just as soft as it looked.

Remus blinked, and Lily thought she saw some understanding appear behind them. "Oh..."

She smiled again. "What do you think, Remus?"

Lily wasn't just talking about the butterbeer, and to make sure that he knew it, she slipped off her shoe and touched his leg. Remus stiffened, and looked at her with wide eyes. Lily took it as a good sign that he didn't pull away. With her foot, she caressed his ankle and moved up his leg, her eyes never leaving his face.

Her concentration was broken by Sirius, who suddenly yelled, "We're leaving, Remus! Are you coming?"

Remus jumped, and blinked again. Still looking at Lily, he called over his shoulder, "I'll be there in a minute!"

Sirius scowled again, but James pulled him out of sight, giving Lily a final glance. Arabella gave Lily a helpless shrug, before following them.

Good. Less of an audience.

"Maybe we could sit together today at lunch?"

Remus finally got control of his voice. "Lily....."

"I'd like to get to know you better. I know that we're basically together all the time, with classes and all, but we've never really talked before."

"Lily....."

She ran her fingers through his hair again. Lily could get used to doing that. "You're too cute to be single, Remus," she teased.

Remus bit his lip, before deliberately pulling away from her. She stared at him in confusion.

"Um, Lily.... I don't know how to say this.... But...."

Lily felt a cold stab of dread. Nothing good ever came from 'I don't know how to say this.' "What?" she asked nervously.

He wasn't looking at her. Another bad sign.

"Well..... I....."

Oh God. Did she do it wrong? Had she been too forward? Lily could have smacked herself. Of course something like rubbing a leg worked with a guy like Rosier, but what had made her think the same tactics would work with a guy like Remus? Damn her stupidity!

"I'm kind of.... Well..."

"Spit it out, Remus," Lily said finally. She didn't like this, and by drawing out whatever it was that he was trying to say, Remus was only festering his fears.

"Involved with someone," he finished.

It took a moment for his words to sink in. He was.... What? Oh God....

"I didn't realize that you were interested."

No, she groaned silently. That couldn't be right! She would have heard about it if he were seeing someone. Wouldn't she?

Remus stood up. "I'm sorry. I didn't know...."

He was apologizing?

"But....." Oh, for crying out loud, keep your voice from breaking! she ordered herself desperately. "Who?"

His face turned bright pink and Remus began fiddling with his hands, obviously uncomfortable. "It doesn't matter. I just..... You see, I thought that you liked..... Well, I was obviously wrong. You just seemed..... I didn't realize..... Look, I'm sorry," he stuttered, finally biting his lip. It was probably to stop the endless babble that was currently coming out of it.

He was sorry? For what? The fact that she was completely humiliated?

"Get out of here, Remus," she said quietly. Lily didn't care that she was probably giving away how much she was affected by his rejection.

He nodded, looking sympathetic, and quickly left.

Lily rested her head in her hands and took a shaky breath. She had just made a complete fool of herself. Rubbing him up.... Oh God... They had all seen....

Lily stood. She had to get out of there.

Blindly, she stumbled out of the library, oblivious to the curious stare from the librarian. She wanted to be in her room, in her bed, hiding under the covers.

But Arabella would ask....

She turned down a different hall.

Somewhere else....

Everything was suddenly coming together with painful clarity. Where had all of her delusions come from?

Remus had never been interested in her. He was just being friendly that day in class when he had asked her about the Quidditch game. He had only danced that night because she had made him, and he was too nice to tell her no. Remus was just a nice guy.....

Damn him, she thought angrily. Why didn't he say something sooner? Practically everyone knew that she was interested in him! Hell, even Snape knew!

Lily groaned, another thought coming to her. James knew.... That's what he had been trying to tell her before.

*I don't think you're his type, Lily.*

Lily's hands started shaking.

James knew....

When he had tried to kiss her....

Oh God....

James had been making fun of her! He knew that she wanted to pursue Remus because Marcella had told him.

Marcella!

Oh, damn her. She was going to get a nice laugh out of this. Her and James.... Both of them.... Damn him, too. Damn them both!

In the middle of her mental diatribe, Lily suddenly bumped into something hard.

"Ouch!"

Strong hands immediately gripped her shoulders, stopping her from falling.

"Lily?"

Forced out of her thoughts, Lily looked up into the face of the person she now hated more than she had ever thought possible.

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