To Love and to Hate

To Love and to Hate

"What am I going to do, Sirius? I just don't know how I can get Lily to love me," James was saying as he packed his trunk to return home from his sixth year at Hogwarts.

"I dunno, mate, you've dug yourself into a huge hole, and I don't know how you can get yourself out of it," Sirius replied while sitting on his trunk so that he could close it.

"I suppose I could take her advice and 'grow up'," he suggested hesitantly.

"What? And give up your last year of possible pranks and the joy of humiliating Snivellus?"

"I suppose... But I would give up anything in the world to be with her. I swear... she is... she's just an angel!" he said, his eyes glazing.

"Yeah, that's what I don't understand about you, James. You could have any girl in this school --and possibly even a few of the teachers-- but you want to love the only one in the whole school who hates you and is completely resilient to your charm. I mean, even Peter seems to be in love with you!" he finished with a laugh.

"Hey! That's not funny!" James snapped. "That's just disgusting... But you are right, I could have any girl I want." He paused for a moment, a frown on his face. "Wait... I know... Hey! What a good idea!"

"Will you tell me what is going on in your head?" Sirius panted after finally closing his trunk.

"So, I can do this... no, wait... I'll use that to get what I want... HA!" James finished excitedly.

"Okay, seriously, tell me what you're going to do," Sirius said impatiently.

"Okay, okay, I am going to 'give up' on Evans and have a 'serious' relationship with someone else to make Evans realise how much she really wants me," James said in a firm voice.

But Sirius wouldn't buy it. "Or you are giving up for real and just want someone to snog?" he asked, laughing heartily.

"Of course not! If that was what I wanted, I could just go down into the common room and pick any girl!" he bragged.

"Prove it," Sirius taunted.

"Okay, I will," he said confidently, before going down the stairs to the common room.

"Hey, James, how are you?" asked Sophie, one of his fellow Gryffindor sixth years.

"Um, pretty good, but... ah, I was actually wondering if I could talk to you for a moment?"

"Yeah, sure!" she replied happily "So..."

"I mean, away from everyone else," he added quietly; by then, everyone in the common room was watching, and although he didn't know why, he felt kind of embarrassed.

"Oh, sure!" she said, her eyes widening in excitement. James could read in her face the phrase, 'This could be my chance with James Potter!'

They walked outside the common room and down to a hidden corridor on the third floor.

"Wow, this is a pretty secluded place for just a discussion," Sophie said, trying to conceal the eagerness in her voice.

"Well, this isn't just any discussion, is it? I mean, I am here, talking to a beautiful girl..." He flashed a charming smile her way. "...about something very important to me..." At that moment, all thoughts of just proving Sirius wrong were gone.

"What's that?" she asked hopefully

"Well... I might as well start from the beginning," he said a bit nervously. How should he word his phrase? "As you probably know, I have been chasing after Lily Evans for most of my time here at Hogwarts, and I figured that I only really love her so much because I can't have her, and I guess that I don't enjoy being constantly being turned down by someone that I know will never go out with me, so I have decided that I now officially don't like Lily anymore." He finished his little speech quite fast, as if he secretly wished Sophie didn't get it and let him out of the predicament he'd just gotten himself into.

"Oh, and this isn't the point of this discussion," he added as an afterthought, "but could you tell her that I just want to remain friends with her, instead of her hating me, and I can give you some proof that I don't like her, if you'll hear me out." Now, that was what he called being impulsive.

"Of course I will, James!" Sophie said, her eyes lighting up.

"Thanks. Anyway, as I said, I have given up on her, and somehow I guess that all of these years I have missed out on having female friends because I have only had eyes for her, so what I want is to have a good female friend, and you are one of the nicest people I know. So, basically, what I'm trying to say is... um...

Oh Merlin! I can ask Evans out any day of my life but now I can't ask Sophie..., what the hell?'

"Do you...?"

"Do I what?" she asked, a look of concern showing in her pretty face.

"Do you want to go to the feast with me as, slightly more than friends?" he finished hurriedly.

Sophie looked as if Christmas had come early. "Of course I will James! I would love that soooo much! You have no idea how much I've wanted this to happen," she said ecstatically.

"But, just so you know-- actually you probably already know-- every relationship I have had until now has just been physical, and not a real relationship. Well...that's not what I want with you," he hurried to add, since her eyes had suddenly flickered with disappointment. "I want to get to know you and love you as a real person..." He just couldn't believe what he'd just said.

"James..." she said her, eyes brimming with tears of joy. "I would really love that, so yes, I will!"

"Okay, that's great. I just don't know how I didn't see it sooner. I'm kicking myself," he said flatly. He just couldn't believe he'd actually done it.

"No, it's alright. At least it happened," Sophie said, smiling.

"Yeah... Oh, the feast starts in ten minutes. I have to finish getting ready."

"Yeah, me too! Let's go. Will you walk me down?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Hey, James, Sophie!" Sirius called when they got back to the common room.

"Hey!" they replied.

"So, James, did you do it?" Sirius asked without preamble.

"Do what?"

"Find someone from the common room to go out with."

"WHAT?" Sophie yelled.

"Shut up, Sirius," James said quietly, yet forcefully.

"He said that he could get anyone in the common room," Sirius said, ignoring the deadly glare of his best friend. "So, how far did you get?"

"So everything that you said was a lie?" Sophie demanded threateningly, her eyes burning with rage. "I cannot believe you, James! I thought that Lily couldn't be serious when she said all that bad stuff about you. But it was all true!" The first tears began to drip from her eyes. "It was all true..."

She ran up the stairs, sobbing, leaving James standing there stupidly.

"Thanks a lot, Sirius," James said sarcastically, his voice cracking as tears threatened to fall.

"What? She was just another chick, right?" Sirius asked, sounding as if he was the one affronted.

No, Sirius, not this time..." James said shakily before walking up the staircase with tears silently pouring down his cheeks. For the first time ever, whether it had been just an impulse or not, he had really wanted to try other path than that of Lily Evans. He had wanted to take a real chance... But now it was all ruined. Who knew if he would ever have such an impulse of getting over Evans again...

Thanks a lot, Padfoot...

James reached the boys dorm with hopes of finding it empty so that he could be alone but, to his dismay, he found both Remus and Peter there. He turned to leave before they had a chance to notice him, but Remus looked up before he could turn away.

"What's wrong, James?" Remus asked.

"Nothing," James lied. "I'm fine."

"James I haven't seen you cry since third year-- the first time Lily said no," Remus added with a hint of impatience. "Something must have really upset you. There's no way you can fool me... Maybe that dickhead, Padfoot, but not me... "

"It's nothing, okay?" James snapped before walking back down the stairs to the common room, leaving a confused and hurt Remus upstairs.

"Hey, James," Sirius called timidly.

"What?" James shot back more aggressively than he intended.

"You ready to go down?"

"Sure," James answered distantly

"James, I'm really, really sorry..."

"Yeah, I know... It's just, I really was serious about her and you killed it," James sighed sadly

"Listen, James, I know you want to be me, but there is only one Sirius and that is me, not you." Even Sirius had to admit that his joke was really bad, but if that was worth a smile of peace from his best friend, he wouldn't hesitate to let everyone know and dub him a bad joker.

James couldn't help but smile, but when Sophie walked down the stairs with bloodshot, puffy eyes, he was thrust once more into his misery.

As they entered the Great Hall, James was still silent and distant, his subconscious thoughts raging a war inside his head, a war that was more important than anything else to him.

Just go talk to her, she'll understand!

No she hates you now! You'll just humiliate yourself!

You've talked to Lily a million times without hesitation...

But you love Sophie, right? You never loved Lily...

Yes, okay you love Sophie and it's easy to see why, but that above all else is why you should talk to her. She will listen to you if you just tell her the truth!

No, that's the worst thing you could do; bringing it up again is not a good idea. It would just ruin everything!

Maybe, but that's a chance you have to take, for love if nothing else...

"That's right," James said quietly to himself. "I am going to have to talk to her..."

She's suffering more than you... Is she even going to give you a chance?

"I have to try... this is killing me..."

"Um, James, what's right? What's killing you?" Sirius asked

"I'm going to talk to Sophie and prove to her that I love her," he blurted out.

They sat down and James looked up and down the table for Sophie, who was sitting with her face in her hands with Lily rubbing her shoulder comfortingly.

"Sirius?" James said questioningly.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever felt bad after breaking up with a girl? You know, seeing her being torn apart?"

"No, why?"

"I'm feeling so bad about what happened with Sophie. I need something big to make it up to her. I want to do something for her that she will never forget.

"Well, we will think of something. We can do it over the summer," Sirius started before being cut off.

"Quiet, please!" came Dumbledore's voice, ringing through the Great Hall. "Thank you for another great year here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I hope you all enjoy your holidays. Remember, no magic is allowed outside of school. Now, I am sure you are all hungry, so let the feast begin." As he finished and sat down, the dishes filled with food and everyone began to eat the last feast of the year.

Okay, you have now, and the train ride to make things better...

That's nowhere near enough time. You won't be able to do it

There's still a chance, right?

No. She'll say that she wants time to think about it, and then, when school starts again, she'll have a boyfriend, and she will rub it in!

"James... James!" Sirius was, waving a hand in front of his face. "Hello?"

"Huh? What?" he asked, coming out of his reverie.

"Nothing. It's just that I have been trying to get your attention for a few minutes now..." Sirius said worriedly. "You sure you're fine?"

"Oh, sorry..."

"No, it's alright. I just thought that you might like to know that Sophie has been looking at you like, every ten seconds."

"Why?" James asked in bewilderment.

"I don't know, she just is. Look, there she goes again!"

James looked up the table to where Sophie was sitting and saw her staring at him with a look of absolute hatred in her eyes. When he saw that all thoughts of just talking to her forsook him.

"Well, I have to go finish packing," he said, standing up.

"But we packed this morning, James."

James didn't answer. He just walked out of the Great Hall and up to his dorm where he threw himself down onto his bed, drew the hangings around his bed and let misery enfold him once again.