Phoenix and Fascination

Chapter 5: Secrets Revealed

Tonks spent the next several days avoiding Grimmauld Place like the plague. Even when Arthur gave her the news that Harry had been acquitted of any wrongdoing at his hearing, she still didn't go to join the celebration. She couldn't bear to see Remus again. Not yet.

Instead, she threw herself into her work for the Order, spending every free moment she could find spying on the Malfoys. She barely even took time to sleep. Dumbledore was counting on her. And even if she was no good at getting blokes to like her, at least she could prove that she was good at her job.

Her work, however, continued to be frustratingly fruitless. Then suddenly, that Sunday, her golden opportunity came. Her mother asked her if she would be interested in joining her for tea at Aunt Narcissa's house that afternoon. It was the chance she had been waiting for.

Her mother visited Aunt Narcissa nearly every week, and dutifully passed the family gossip along to her daughter, who had in turn dutifully passed the gossip along to the Order--not that much of it was ever important. But to fully engage herself in her task for the Order, Tonks needed to visit the Malfoy house in person--something she hadn't done in more than seven years. Her mother had always made the point of casually inviting her to go along for tea every few months, but was thoroughly astonished this time when her daughter finally accepted.

So that afternoon, Tonks dressed demurely in deep purple dress robes, put her hair into a sleek black bob, and apparated with her mother to the front stoop of Malfoy Manor--an imposing stone mansion on several acres of parkland.

Aunt Narcissa answered the door in an elegant gown, and regally led them into the parlor for tea. Of course, Aunt Narcissa was always elegant and regal. She considered it her duty.

"So Nymphadora, dear," she said, "how is work going for you at the Ministry? Are they treating you well?"

"Yes, Aunt Cissy. I'm enjoying work very much, thank you," she lied. Of course work wasn't going well--she was a known Dumbledore sympathizer, and the junior-most Auror to boot, which left her with all the bottom-of-the-stack jobs that no one else wanted. "And how are things going for you around here?" said Tonks, waving her hand around to indicate the Manor at large.

"We are all very well. Draco is enjoying his break very much indeed. Right now he is at the Crabbe's house, visiting some of his friends. Such a social boy, my Draco. So very popular." Narcissa looked pointedly at Nymphadora, who had been neither social nor popular in school.

"How nice for you," Tonks replied. "You must be so proud."

"Indeed we are," said Narcissa, with an icy smile.

"And how is dear Lucius?" asked Tonks in an imitation of her Aunt's tone.

Narcissa's smile grew even icier. "He is well. His business takes him from home a great deal lately."

"And what business is that?" asked Tonks.

Narcissa waved her hand in an imitation of Tonks' earlier gesture. "This and that--you know," she said.

"Actually, I don't know. Would you care to enlighten me?" said Tonks, staring her Aunt in the eye.

Just then Tonks' mother, Andromeda, picked up a small cake from the lavishly spread tea table, and exclaimed, "I'm so glad you're serving these again, Cissy. They really are my favorites. You must get me the recipe before we leave."

Tonks sat back and let her mother run the conversation for the rest of the afternoon. She knew that Narcissa wouldn't give away any juicy tidbits about her precious Lucius. Tonks chimed in now and then, but her comments usually resulted in either icy stares from Narcissa, or reproving glares from her mother, or both.

After about an hour and a half of that punishment, Tonks decided she needed a break, and excused herself to go to the loo. She walked all the way across the house to the furthest loo, resolved to do some discreet snooping on her way back.

On her way back, she wandered slowly through the dark wood-paneled halls, staring absentmindedly at the paintings, tapestries, and sculptures lining each and every foot of the way.

Tonks approached the tall elaborately carved oak double-doors that she knew led into Lucius Malfoy's private office. Carefully, she reached out and rapped the door three times with her knuckles. There was no response. She grasped the door handles, and turned them. They stopped short, locked. She pulled out her wand, tapped it to the doorhandle and intently thought, Alohomora. With a faint click, the door opened. That was much easier than she had expected.

She sidled into the office, quietly closing the door behind her. The room was imposing with its high ceilings and large, elaborately decorated furniture. The light was dim, coming only from the rays of sun filtering through half-closed Venetian blinds. Like the halls, the office walls were covered with dark wood paneling; the fabrics on the furniture and draperies were in deep rich shades of red. Two of the four walls were lined with floor to ceiling bookcases, full of impressive tomes, objects d'art, and magical implements. She scanned the shelves looking for anything suspicious, but although some of the books and magical items were a bit questionable, none of them were outright illegal.

She turned her attention to the massively elegant desk that stood as the centerpiece of the office. The surface of the desk was immaculate, with not a speck of dust or blot of ink in evidence--not even a few stacks of parchment or piles of scrawled notes like those that littered Tonks own small desk in her flat. She walked around to the back of the desk, to try the drawers. Two of the drawers opened easily, but contained only parchment, quills, and assorted colors of ink. The other three drawers were locked. Tonks tried Alohomora again, but this time without effect. There had to be something worthwhile in those drawers for Lucius to have taken the time to enact a more complicated sealing charm. As she stretched out her wand to try a few more opening charms, she heard the office door open.

She leaped with a yelp of surprise, and collided with an antique globe stand which toppled with a clatter, sending the globe rolling across the floor to bounce off the back wall, from whence it went rolling back toward the now open office door. Tonks turned her eyes from the rolling globe to the figure standing in the door--it was Lucius Malfoy himself.

He was looking at Tonks with a nasty smile on his face. "My dear Nymphadora," he said, "how nice to see you again. It's been far too long."

With a few flicks of his wand, the globe stand had righted itself, and the globe had flown back into place. Tonks stood frozen, watching him watching her. She tried to tell herself that she was an adult now, that she could handle him. But as he started walking toward her, she couldn't control the wave of irrational fear that came crashing over her. She could feel herself start to tremble.

Lucius came to within a few paces of her, and stopped, looking her up and down in a way that made her feel like she was just another one of his objects d'art. "You've grown up prettier than I expected," he said suddenly. "You never were a very promising child."

"You never used to complain," she said coldly, trying to hide the fear.

His malicious smile widened. "Nor did you."

She couldn't stop her hands from shaking, and hoped that he couldn't see them. After all these years, after all her training, she couldn't believe that he still had this effect on her.

"What are you doing in my office, Nymphadora?" he asked, still smiling at her.

She tried to stiffen her spine, and replied, "I was looking for parchment and a quill--my mum wants to copy down a recipe."

Lucius took a step closer to her. "Your Aunt's study is far closer to the parlor than my office."

She tightened her grip on her wand. "I wanted to stretch my legs. I was a bit tired of all the gossip."

Lucius took two more steps toward her, until they were almost touching. He looked down into her eyes. "I know why you're here, Nymphadora, and I assure you--you won't find anything. Do you honestly think I'd be so careless as to leave anything of importance in my desk?" he sneered.

Suddenly, he leaned forward, placing his hand on her hip, and spoke softly into her ear. "You're working for the wrong side, Nymphadora. Your particular talents would be given more respect by another Master. I could help you, you know. I know you're not happy at work. I could improve things for you. I have the Minister's ear. And someone else's."

Tonks' voice shook as she spoke. "Get your hand off of me."

Lucius laughed softly into her ear. "You don't really want that? Do you?" He wrapped his other arm around her back, and pulled her tight against his body. "We have unfinished business, you and I."

Tonks felt a surge of anger welling up in her. She flung his hands off of her, and stepped back, raising her wand. "I'm no longer the frightened little girl that you could scare into submission, Lucius. I am an Auror now. You'd better watch yourself, or you could wind up in Azkaban."

Lucius let out a gale of cold laughter. "You? Put me in Azkaban? I doubt it."

Tonks scowled. "If you'll excuse me, I'll be getting back to my mother now." She walked around him, and headed for the door.

"You're wrong, Nymphadora," he called after her. "You still are that frightened little girl. And someday, I'll prove that to you."

She forced herself not to look back at him, and stalked down the hallway to find her mother. It was time to leave.

Tonks didn't want to go home to her flat. She wanted company. She needed to be around people who would help her forget all the horrible memories that were soaring through her mind. So Tonks went where she always went when she wanted company lately--12 Grimmauld Place.

Tonks let herself in--by now she was such a regular feature at the house that she no longer felt compelled to knock. No one seemed to be on the main floor, so she made her way down to the basement kitchen. Sitting there at the table, reading a book and drinking a cup of tea all by himself, sat Remus Lupin.

She paused in the doorway, uncertain. He looked up at her as she entered, and flashed her his trademark charming smile. "Hello, Nymphadora."

She felt a sudden wave of comfort and relaxation spreading through her body. It amazed her to realize that this man whom she had been avoiding all week was just the person she had come to see, even if she hadn't consciously recognized it until that very moment.

"Wotcher, Remus," she said with a sigh, sinking down into a chair next to him.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yeah, just a bit tired," she lied.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" he asked.

"That would be lovely, Remus, thanks," she replied, and watched as he stood and walked over to the kettle on the stove. He tapped it with his wand, and it immediately began to whistle merrily.

"Arthur is still at his guard shift, and Molly is with the kids, trying to make more of the spare rooms livable again. We'll be having dinner in about an hour, if you'd like to stay," he was saying as he made the tea.

"I'd like that," she answered, still watching him. She had missed watching him the past few days. He was so slender, and strong. She wondered what it would feel like to lean against that firm chest, and feel those long arms wrap around her. She continued in that pleasant reverie until he placed a new cup of tea in front of her. She was pleased to see that he returned to the seat right next to her.

"Ta," she said, picking up the tea, and taking a sip. She glanced over at his book, and read the title with amusement. "Denizens of the Deep: Dark Creatures of the Caves of Europe. Planning a spelunking trip, or something?"

He smiled wryly at her, and shook his head. "No. No spelunking for me. I just like to keep up to date on the subject of dark creatures. I've done a lot of work with dark creatures, over the years."

The part of her that was still hurting from their not-quite-a-date reared its ugly head, and compelled her to ask, "Why haven't you got any work now, Remus?"

He sighed. "It's never been easy for me to hold down a position. And now--well, now I've the work for the Order to keep me busy, so I haven't even been trying to find a new position anymore."

"So you don't have any income at all?"

"I've a bit. About ten years ago, I converted my home in Cornwall into flats, and I rent out the top two stories and keep the basement for myself. So I don't have to pay any rent for my own accommodations, and I get a bit of income off of my tenants. It's not much, but it keeps food on the table."

"And a bit of pocket money for new books?" she smiled.

He nodded. "And that."

She felt a bit ashamed for trying to hide her own discomfort by making him uncomfortable as well. It was wrong of her. "I'm sorry for prying," she said quietly. "I shouldn't have."

"It's all right, Nymphadora. I accepted my lot in life a long time ago. It doesn't bother me to talk about it any more," he said gently. Did nothing at all bother this man?

They fell back into silence for a few minutes, as she sipped her tea.

Finally, Remus spoke. "Now you'll have to forgive me for prying, but ... I don't think I've ever seen you looking as tense and upset as you did when you walked in that door a few minutes ago. I'll understand if it's something private--but if there's anything you need to talk about, I'd be glad to listen."

Tonks gripped her cup tightly, looking down into the depths of the brown liquid, as if it could somehow hide her from her own fears. Slowly, she raised her eyes to meet Remus' eyes dead on, and was amazed by the depth of compassion she saw there. He may be clueless about romance--but he knew an awful lot about being a friend. She suddenly felt the urge to tell him the truth--to tell him everything. To tell him the secret she had been keeping for so many years. If anyone could understand, without pity or condescension, it would be Remus. And she had needed to tell someone for so very long.

If she stopped to think for too long she knew she would lose her nerve. So she started to talk. "I was at the Malfoy's this afternoon. My mum and I went to tea with Aunt Cissy--Narcissa." Remus nodded for her to continue. "When I got a chance to explore the house, I took it. And ... and Lucius found me looking through the desk in his private office."

"Did he hurt you--did he do anything to you?" Remus asked with worry in his voice.

She shook her head, looking away from him. "No. He just spouted some threats. He wouldn't have done anything to me with my mother in the house, would he?"

"Then what is it, Nymphadora?" he asked.

She kept her eyes on the table--she couldn't look at him while she said this. "It's not anything he did today. I've been terrified of him for as long as I've known him." She cleared her throat--she couldn't stop talking again, or she'd lose her nerve. "Aunt Narcissa cut off contact with my mother when she married my Dad, but not long after Harry Potter got rid of You-Know-Who the first time around, she started making overtures of reconciliation. She and Mum started getting together a few times a month. Once they were nice and friendly again, the Malfoys asked us to spend two weeks out at their cottage in the country," she gave a little laugh, "though what they call a cottage was bigger then our house back in London.

"So, we went on holiday with the Malfoys that summer. I was eleven, about to start my first year at Hogwarts. Draco was just a toddler then, and one day Mum and Aunt Cissy took him out to the village to go shopping. I went out fishing with Dad, but I got bored, and asked if I could go back to the house by myself. Dad let me go. When I got there, I went to the study to look for something to read, and Lucius was in there by himself. He'd never paid much attention to me before that, but once I was in there alone with him he suddenly seemed very interested in me. He started asking me all sorts of questions about myself, and about my interests. So I talked to him. It felt good to have someone as prominent and powerful as him take an interest in me. After a little while, he asked me if I wanted to play a game with him--a game that only grownups play."

She kept focusing on the table. She could feel tears prickling in the corners of her eyes. "I didn't know what he meant--I was so naïve--so I just said yes. His game turned out to involve me letting him kiss me and letting him touch me up under my clothes. He made me promise not to tell anyone; he said it was our special secret.

"It happened a few more times that summer. I knew that what we had done was wrong. That it would upset people if they found out. So I kept my mouth shut. I went off to Hogwarts and tried to forget it ever happened. But that winter, when we visited the Malfoys over Christmas break, it happened again.

"We spent another week in the country with them the next summer, and it happened again. He kept doing it to me every single time we visited them. And it got worse. He started making me touch him, too. I was getting old enough to understand better, what was happening, and I was scared that he'd eventually finish the job he started, and rape me." She almost choked on a sob, but forced it back down, and continued to talk. "So finally, the Christmas of my fourth year at Hogwarts, I put a stop to it. That Christmas I flatly refused to visit the Malfoys with my parents. Mum just thought it was some sort of adolescent rebellion, and decided to let me stay home. I think she thought I would get over it, but when it came time for our next annual visit to the Malfoy cottage, I refused again. And I kept refusing. She forced me back to the Malfoy's Christmas party two years after that, but I managed to avoid being trapped alone by Lucius--not that he didn't try.

"I never told my parents, because I knew it would devastate them. They were the ones who had trusted him--they were the ones who had left me alone with him. I knew they would blame themselves, and I didn't want that. It wasn't their fault," her voice shook, but she held back her tears.

"I haven't seen him face to face in nearly seven years, until today," she continued. "And it was like I was a little girl all over again. I was so scared. It was like I was frozen. But then he started implying that if I slept with him, he could get me a better position at the Ministry, and even put in a good word for me with You-Know-Who. It made me so angry--that he would have the gall to try to seduce me, after all these years! After everything he had done to me! But I was still too afraid to confront him. So I just left, with him throwing more threats out at my back. I'm an Auror, for Merlin's sake! And I was too scared to do anything but run away." She rubbed at her eyes, trying to stop the tears from coming.

For the first time since she had started talking, she looked up at Remus. His jaw was clenched tight, and he looked paler than ever before. There was a frightening look in his eyes that Tonks thought she recognized--it was fury.

With a cold, hard voice Remus spoke. "I promise you," he said, "someday, somehow, he will pay for what he did to you. I'll make sure of that."

She was so shocked to hear such venom and hatred from a man who was normally so kind and gentle. But seeing and hearing his anger made her feel better, for some strange reason. She wasn't alone any more.

"That's why I went into Magical Law Enforcement after school," she said quietly. "To make him pay. I'd hoped I'd be able to find a way to put him in prison for what he'd done. Only I found, to my disgust, that there isn't a single law or statue recognized by the Ministry that would make his actions a crime. If he were a Muggle, he would be put in prison for more than a decade for what he did, but because he's a wizard it isn't even illegal!"

"There are times," said Remus, his voice still full of anger, "when the Ministry could learn a thing or two from the Muggle government."

Tonks nodded, her own anger growing. "When I could see that ordinary Magical Law wouldn't be enough to convict him, I decided to become an Auror. I was convinced that he was still involved with the Dark Arts, and I made it my life's goal to find him performing illegal Dark Magic, and to convict him. But now, when I finally had the chance to do something about him, I just froze up like a frightened animal, and ran away." She couldn't hide the bitterness in her voice.

Remus' features softened, his anger draining away as he looked into her eyes. He reached out to take her hand in his. "Some scars cut far too deep to be overcome so quickly. And some can never be healed at all. But I believe that yours will heal--maybe never completely, but enough for you to do what must be done."

She shook her head. "I'm not so sure about that."

"I am," he said. "Look at the strides you've made already. Instead of letting your wound cripple you, you used it as a motivation to work even harder. You became the first new Auror in more than six years--that's not an easy feat. And when you faced him today, you may not have been able to act as strong as you wanted to, but you did find a way to channel your anger into helping you overcome the worst of your fear. That's an important step. You need to let that anger keep you going. Anger can be a very powerful motivator."

"You know this from personal experience?"

He nodded. "Unfortunately, yes," he said.

' And she knew it was true when he said it. Fourteen years ago he had lost all of his best friends in one night. She could barely imagine his anger--or his pain.

"You say I haven't been crippled by this," she said after a moment, "but I feel crippled. How is my anger going to help me with ..." She stopped suddenly, realizing she was about to stick her foot in her mouth.

"With what?" Remus asked.

Tonks sighed. She might as well tell him--tonight was a night for truth-telling, after all. "I've never been very good with men. Romantically. I think that what he did to me made me ... made me afraid ... of letting my guard down enough to really get close to someone. I mean--I'm nearly 23 and I've only ever had one serious boyfriend, and that ended a complete disaster."

Remus smiled gently at her, and held her hand even tighter. "You want to know how many serious girlfriends I've had? Two. And I must be some twelve years older than you. So from where I'm standing, you've made a very good start of it. But you're right about one thing--anger won't help you with that sort of thing. But patience might. And a willingness to be hurt, I'm afraid. That sort of closeness doesn't come without its fair share of pain. You're going to do just fine--you're strong enough to do anything you set your mind to. After all, you're letting your guard down with me, tonight, aren't you? That's a very good start."

If only he knew. She just smiled. "I still feel like a fool for letting him intimidate me like that," she said, shaking her head.

Remus looked at her thoughtfully for a minute, and then said, "The hurts we receive as children are the hardest to overcome. They weigh the heaviest on our minds, because they altered the course of our entire lives. The key--I think--is not to let the hurt control you. Instead, you've got to try to control the hurt."

"Remus, did something...?" She couldn't think how put her question into words. Finally, she asked, "Do you have a hurt too?"

Remus looked down at the table, with an odd little smile tickling around the corners of his mouth. Then he looked back up into her eyes, and said, "When I was seven years old, I was bitten by a werewolf. I've been a lycanthrope ever since."

Tonks stared at him in open-mouthed astonishment. "You're a bloody werewolf?" she cried.

Remus looked at her with a sheepish expression on his face. "Well, yes," he said.

"So that's what your mysterious health problems were? Does Dumbledore ... and Sirius ...?" she stammered.

He nodded. "They know. They all know actually. The whole Order."

"What about the kids?"

He sighed. "Even the kids." He moved to slide his hand away from hers, but she refused to let go and gripped it even tighter, eliciting a surprised expression on his face.

"So I'm the only one who didn't know?" she asked. He nodded. She frowned. "And I'm a bleeding Auror! I'm supposed to notice things like this!"

"I think it's that 'inattention to detail' problem that we once discussed," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

She laughed. "You've got that right. Blimey--I can't believe I didn't put this all together. You not being able to find work--your chronic health condition--you being 'sick' the weekend of the full moon. I feel like a fool." She finally remembered why his name had seemed familiar to her when they first met--it had been on the list of registered werewolves that she had consulted several times while working for Magical Law Enforcement.

"Don't feel like a fool, Nymphadora. I did ... go out of my way, a bit, to conceal my condition from you," he said.

"But why?" she asked, looking him deep in the eyes.

He sighed again. "I suppose ... I rather liked the idea of having a friend who thought I was normal. At least for a little while."

All at once Tonks felt her heart going out to him with a rush of affection and admiration. She had never known a man like Remus before in her life. He must have suffered all manner of discrimination, prejudice and persecution from the time he was a boy, yet somehow, it hadn't jaded him. He never seemed bitter, or self-pitying. On the contrary, he was one of the kindest, most optimistic, most selfless people she had ever met. He had a wound that ran far deeper than her own, yet he had risen above it to become something wonderful. She just hoped she could find it in herself to do the same.

"You're not normal, Remus," she said softly. "You're better than normal. You're amazing."

He laughed lightly and shook his head, "I hardly think that."

"You don't have too. I'll think it for you," she said intently.

They sat quietly like that for a moment, holding each other's hands in comfort and solidarity. Finally, thinking aloud, Tonks said, "So that's why you haven't had any luck with women."

Remus let out a soft chuckle. "Too true, too true," he said. "I tried, when I was younger. But I have long since accepted the fact that a life of quiet bachelorhood is all that lies in store for me. What woman would want someone as poor and dangerous as a werewolf?"

"Maybe you just haven't met the right woman," said Tonks, suggestively.

Remus shook his head. "If only that were true. But I long ago gave up hope for that sort of thing."

Tonks finally realized why Remus was so oblivious to her feelings for him. It was not that he was willfully or spitefully ignoring her feelings, as she had thought at first. He had simply conditioned himself so thoroughly over the years to believe that no woman would want him, that he couldn't even recognize it when one finally did.

With that profound realization, a new goal formed in Tonks' mind. She didn't care if he was a werewolf--it was only one night a month, after all. And she didn't care about the poverty--her mother had fallen in love with a man far poorer than herself, and they had been perfectly happy. She was determined to prove to Remus that a woman could and did love him. And she was determined to do her best to make him feel the same way in return. Even if it took a year--she wasn't going to give up. Because, she now realized, for the very first time in her life she was in love.

"I'm glad I told you everything, Remus. It feels good not to have to keep that a secret anymore." She gripped his hand even tighter, and smiled warmly at him.

"I know what it's like to keep a secret that you're afraid will change the way your friends think about you. And I also know what an amazing relief it is to finally share the truth, and to be accepted for who you are, no matter what. I'm glad that I could be the one to give you that relief," he said.

"Well--we can be relieved together, then," she smiled. "After all, I wasn't the only one sharing a secret tonight."

He smiled broadly in return. "Very true--very true," he said sheepishly, then looked at her with a more serious expression. "I will always be here if you need someone to talk to, Nymphadora, I promise you that. And I hardly need add that what we've discussed tonight won't go beyond this room."

"Thank you. Really--thank you," she said.

"Now," he said, "over the years I have found that the best way to cheer myself up when I'm feeling down, is to do something kind for someone else. So how about you and I start fixing up dinner, to give Molly a break?"

Tonks laughed--the suggestion was so very Remus. "I would love to help, Remus, but I'm not much of a cook."

"Not to worry," he replied, standing. She was finally--very reluctantly--forced to relinquish her grip on his hand. "I've always been rather good around the kitchen--I'll talk you through it," he said with a grin.

"All right then," she said brightly. "And maybe after dinner we'll have a chance to finish Much Ado About Nothing. I'm still waiting to see how they convince Beatrice to fall in love with Benedick."

"I'd like that. Very much," he said.

"Excellent. Now let's get to work."

They turned, and side by side began their work together.