Over My Head

November 8^th, 1981

A young, pale man sat in a darkened living room, sobbing into his hands. A very pregnant redheaded woman sat beside him, rubbing his back reassuringly. She glanced up at her husband, who sighed and shook his head. The woman wrapped her arms around the young man, and he buried his face in her shoulder. He had been crying for days. Staying at the Weasley's so they could keep a close eye on him, he would weep for hours, fall into a deep sleep, wake up from tragic nightmares, and weep more.

"Remus, darling," she cooed. "You have to eat something. You haven't eaten in days, and I'm getting worried about you. Please, love, eat something." His grey eyes rose up to meet her concerned face, and he gulped back sobs long enough to nod exhaustedly.

"I'm s...s...sorry to be such a b...burden, Molly," he stammered, gasping and choking on his words as he glanced at his feet, ashamed. Touching his shoulder lightly, she frowned and shook her head. Motioning to her husband, they both ushered their guest into the kitchen where Molly began bustling around to make him a meal.

"Here you are, lamb, eat all you want," she murmured soothingly, placing a heaping plate of different breakfast foods in front of him. His stomach turned unpleasantly at the smell of food, but he tried to force it down for Molly's sake. Amazingly, after he had a hearty home-cooked meal he felt much better.

"Thanks, Molly, I really appreciate this. But, don't worry, I'm going up to Glasgow to stay in the house my parents bought me soon enough, and I'll be out of your hair." Molly scoffed and shot a slightly threatening glance at her husband.

"Remus, you've been through more in the past two weeks than most people go through in a lifetime. You're being so strong about all of this, the least Molly and I can do is share our home with you until you're comfortable being by yourself," Arthur said, staring into Remus' eyes. Blushing, Remus looked at the countertop. Molly ruffled his hair fondly, taking his cleared plate away and beginning to clean it.

"You look exhausted, you should go to sleep. Go on, we've cleared out Bill's room for you. You'll have privacy, we promise." Kissing him on the cheek, she pointed up the stairs and he began to walk away. When he reached the foot of the stairs, he turned to look at the couple, looking years older than he had just a month ago.

"You guys?" he whispered. They looked at him curiously. "Thanks." He walked upstairs, and closed himself off in the bedroom. He looked around him, taking in his surroundings. The walls were papered with posters of Quidditch teams and the Weird Sisters.

He sighed, and began to change into his pajamas, staring at the wall in front of him. As he unpacked his overnight bag, he came across a familiar, worn-down photograph. Tears flooded his eyes as he ran his fingers over Sirius' smiling face, and his own fingers laced in between his ex-lover's. He dropped the photo to the ground, and collapsed on his bed. Staring back into his bag, he drew out a piece of parchment and a quill. He dipped the quill into an inkwell and began to write.

Dear Sirius,

It's been about a week since you killed Peter, and about two weeks since you murdered Lily and James. They carted you off to Azkaban 4 days ago, and I was there. I watched you being dragged away by those Dementors, and I spat at your feet. I hate you. How could you betray them? How could you betray me? Were you thinking about your plot to kill all of them when you were with me at night? Would you have killed me had they not arrested you first?

I got a letter addressed to you from your father the other day. I guess they hadn't heard about you yet, and thought you still lived with me. Your little brother, Little Regulus, was murdered on October 30, 1981. They said that even though you were a disappointment, you were always close to your brother, and you deserved to know you were the last remaining heir to the Black fortune. All I can say is that I'm glad he died. I'm glad there's one less Black in the world.

They buried Lily and James yesterday. God, they were really loved. About 500 people turned up for the funeral, and they held a memorial for Peter later that day. Harry was sent to live with Lily's sister, Petunia, and her atrocious husband. I hope you're happy. He'll never be loved now, and it's all because of you. I hate you.

For the first time in 11 years, I will have to endure a full moon alone. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm pretty sure the wolf will miss you the most. I think the thing that really helped my transformations was having a canine companion, and you took that away from me, just like you took everything else. I suppose I'm being selfish, but I can't help it. God, I miss you so much already. This pain is unbearable.

I'm staying with Molly and Arthur for the night. They came to visit me at our old flat (I sold it, by the way), and saw that I hadn't eaten since you were arrested. Molly switched into mother mode and made me stay with them. It's funny, she makes me my favorite dishes, but I can't eat them, because they don't taste like the way you used to make them. You really used to spoil me, and now I can't live without you.

What changed in you, Sirius? What made you so bitter and resentful that you decided to kill everything you claimed was so dear to you? I can't understand it. You've always been so passionate, so...tender; I can't believe you slaughtered all of them. All of those innocent Muggles, Sirius, you killed them all too. But as much as I hate you for what you did...

I love you, always. And I hate you most for that.

Yours,

Remus Moony John Lupin.

Weeping quietly, Remus folded his letter and clutched it tightly in his hand. He buried his face in his pillow and cried himself to sleep.