Tired of Living

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell."

~Edna St. Vincent Millay

The young woman stood at the door of her new flat, heart beating frantically. She wondered briefly how this had ever seemed like a good idea. She was afraid to go in. She didn't want to get settled, because as soon as she did, everything would come rushing back to her. The memories would find her.

She took a deep breath and lifted her luggage in shaking hands. She pushed the door open and stood a moment more in the doorway. She was walking right back into an old life she wasn't sure she could fit into anymore. A slow step brought her into the living room, hardwood floors and the furniture she had ordered. It seemed like ages ago she had been sitting in her Brooklyn walk-up searching for a flat in England. Suddenly she wished she hadn't ever listened to Hermione. That woman had convinced her to come back, to face everything she was afraid of. But what Ginny Weasley was afraid of she couldn't put a name on. It was everything about this place that frightened her. She didn't want to remember the hurt she had felt, and in New York she felt as though she had escaped it. She felt as though she had escaped him.

"You are officially the most idiotic woman on the planet," she said aloud to the room. She liked that it couldn't agree with her. Her camel colored heels clicked on the floor as she headed down the hall to the bedroom. Her bed was there, stripped of sheets. Her dresser sat in a corner, drawers stacked up in front of it. She dropped the suitcases to the floor with a thud and collapsed onto the bed. She closed her eyes, listening to the noises in the village below. She had purchased a flat in Hogsmeade over The 3 Broomsticks. It had a reasonable price and she was automatically attracted to the prospect of having glasses upon glasses of Butterbeer easily within her reach.

She slowly sat up, her red hair falling around her pale face. She looked around again, thinking maybe she would wake up in a minute, away from here. But even as the thought crossed through her mind she knew it wasn't true. She was here, she had really come, and she would stay. She had once belonged, and she was determined to belong once again. She had to pick up the pieces of something that had been broken. She had to remember, even though she didn't want to.

Sometimes you have to remember the past to reach the future.

The sleek black car pulled to a stop in the driveway, and immediately a man dressed all in black got out of the driver's seat. He hurried to the back door of the vehicle and opened it wide. A young man with fair hair stepped out of the back seat wearing khaki pants and a white button up shirt. His tie was a deep red, his favorite, though he rarely wore it. But today was different. Today he had the courage to put it on. There was no one there to tell him to forget it...to forget her. He looked up at the sky, which was becoming slightly overcast. He then turned his gaze on Malfoy Manor. He shuddered, and then reprimanded himself for it. Things were different, and he had to get used to that. He would walk into the house and it would be empty. There would be no one there but him. His mother had died a few years ago, and now his father was gone. Azkaban had killed him. Draco always knew it would. Azkaban was like a hell for the devil himself.

"Mr. Malfoy? Are you alright?" The driver tapped him on the shoulder and he was jolted from his daze. He didn't reply but started digging in his jacket pockets for his key. Once he had found the huge brass thing he headed for the door, his legs suddenly turning to jelly. His life had changed, and this was the first step towards something new. He had abruptly realized this fact, and it threw him off his guard. Hadn't he always dreamed of it, hoped beyond home that one day he could just be what he wanted, no pre-set plans and no punishments when those plans went slightly awry. An open door was all he needed, and an open door was what he got.

Ginny woke with a start, sweat trickling down her face, mingling with salty tears. She sat up and threw her covers away despite the cold. Chill bumps immediately rose on her legs but she ignored them.

"It was just a dream," she whispered to the dark. The dream came continually. She was standing on the edge of a deep black hole, staring down at it. She could hear someone calling her name from the hole, but she couldn't speak. She tried to yell down to them but her voice caught in her throat and no sound would come. So she would jump. She jumped into the dark hole, and she fell. Once she got to the bottom she would look around, but no one was there. She had been deceived. She had taken a chance but she had fallen into the shadows.

A knock on the door of his study made him jump. He had been staring at the photo on his desk for almost an hour. He had found it as he was rooting around through some of his old school stuff. She had her arms thrown around his neck, smiling her beautiful smile. His arms were around her waist and there was something in his eyes. He guessed it was love. He remembered that love. He had come across the picture stuffed in a text book. He assumed he must have been using it as a bookmark. A note written in a familiar handwriting was scrawled across the back.

Draco,

Colin gave me this the other day. It's a good picture, don't you think? Have a wonderful day! I love you.

~Ginny

His heart had stopped, and he couldn't seem to string together a proper thought. They looked so happy. Everything had come back the moment he read that. All the things he had felt and the freedom he had known. Another knock. He sighed and tucked the picture in the top drawer.

"Come in," he said, clearing his throat. Harry Potter strode in; a manila folder tucked under one arm. The look on his face indicated that he wished he could be anywhere but at Malfoy Manor.

"Fudge sent me to give this to you," he said curtly, setting the file down on Draco's desk. "He said it's the follow up on the Lestrange trial." Harry sank into the brown leather couch against the wall and crossed his arms. Draco flipped idly through the papers and replied,

"They're receiving the kiss I believe. That should comfort you some." Harry glanced up at him, his bright green eyes startled at Draco's comment. He couldn't believe Draco had received the details of the events that had happened so long ago.

"Yes, I suppose so." There was a brief pause before Harry continued, "I suppose I should get back to the office. I have to finish up some paperwork." Harry and Draco were both highly respected members of the Ministry of Magic, both working in the Department of Defense.

"I'll see you Monday Potter," Draco said, his eyes returning to the papers in front of him. Harry headed for the door, and then stopped. He had a decision to make, and he had to make it now.

"She's back you know," he told him hurriedly. He saw Draco's gray eyes snap up, shocked, though his face showed nothing.

"Excuse me?" His hands were trembling slightly, and he wondered if he had heard Harry correctly. Harry sighed, regretting mentioning anything.

"Ginny came home about a week ago. She moved to New York right after her graduation." Draco pushed back all the daydreams that had crossed his mind over the years. This was real life, not some fantasy of fairy tale love. He couldn't just sweep her off her feet and have everything be alright again. But then again, what was stopping him? He shook his head and replied,

"Well, isn't that something." Harry shrugged and reached for the door handle.

"You two had something Malfoy. I don't know how you can just throw it away like this." But what Harry didn't know was that Draco Malfoy had thrown nothing away. He still had it all.