Unless A Miracle Happens

Dear Diary,

I know you probably think I am a fool. It's just that ... there's this torrent of emotions in here, about several different people.

Do you remember, diary, about Ron in my fifth year? Nothing came of it ... he ended up smitten with Parvati Patil, who, after giving up on Harry, decided to go for Ron. Irony, no? Maybe something might have come if I'd told him what I felt ... but, no, I couldn't bring myself to say it. And still, now, two years later, there's still a pain. Less of it, but it still hurts whenever I think about it.

And then last year, my sixth ... when I fell in love with Harry. He'd gotten over Cho by then, who, he realized, would always love Cedric, and he, being Harry, did not want to love someone who loved someone else. As he confided in me more and more, I realized that he did not love me like that and never would. He seemed, indeed, to simply regard me as a very close friend. I was heartbroken over this. He fell for Lavender ... Seamus had gone for some Ravenclaw girl, so it had been all right. There's always this ache in my heart, diary ... I know it's because of Harry. I hate it, but I don't want it to go away. Harry never spends any time with me anymore, diary ... he's always with Lavender ... calls her "Lavy", you know.

This year, my last year ... I'm Head Girl, Malfoy's Head Boy ...

Harry, who was originally chosen, resigned so he could spend more time with "Lavy". Snape probably bribed Professor McGonagall, you know, so Draco could get the spot. I have to be with him all the time! And sometimes, I catch him looking at me in an awfully queer way ... Dear Diary, why does heartache always have to happen to me? And my life's getting worse and worse as time passes on. Am I under a curse? Because, yesterday ...

Yesterday I fell in love with Draco Malfoy.

I know what you're thinking. Draco Malfoy? The one who hates you, Ron, and Harry? But, oh diary, I don't think he really hates me. Look at his father ... how cruel he is. I've been stuck with Malfoy long enough to know he's not as bad as his father. All the times when he came over to Ron, Harry, and I, insulting us ... I always saw something flickering in his eyes. It's like he wears a mask and when he comes over and insults me, calls me a Mudblood, I can see something strange in his eyes. Like he's losing his control. I don't know if he likes me, diary, I don't dare hope it. If I do, I just know my heart will get broken again, I just know it. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle another heartbreak, diary, I'll go insane.

Harry, Ron ... my best friends ... Or rather, my ex-best friends. They're too busy with their girlfriends now to mind me. Oh, I know they feel sorry for me. Probably thinking, poor Hermione, she doesn't have a guy, before forgetting about me to make out with their girlfriends. But ... I ... Draco keeps running through my head. In my dreams, in my thoughts, in real life. I keep on seeing him everywhere. Wherever I turn, wherever I walk, there he is. I look at him, and he looks back. Of course, the way he looks back, you can never be sure if he's looking at me, or at some portrait behind me or some girl next to me or maybe he's gay and he's looking at Harry or--

Sorry. My quill snapped, I was writing so fast and so hard. Of course he's not gay. I just ... I know I'm going to go crazy if I don't at least tell him I love him. But with these circumstances ... enemy houses, enemy people. His father would never let him. Draco would get betrothed to Pansy Parkinson, probably, and they'll have tons of little pug-children. Harry and Ron would be disgusted. I don't even know if Draco, if he did like me, would be brave enough to admit it, even if I told him I my feelings first. It's like ... this torrent of emotions inside my heart, this whirlwind -

I'm sorry. I was trying not to cry. Ever since I discovered I loved Draco Malfoy I promised myself I wouldn't cry or break down. Seems as if I can't stop myself from going insane.

Just yesterday, when I discovered I loved him, me and him were waiting in Dumbledore's office for our reports as Head Boy and Girl. I, accidentally, dropped a quill I had been toying with. I'd purposely been toying with it to take my mind off Draco sitting next to me, so close I could feel his breath. So acutely aware of him. He bent down to retrieve it just as I did, our hands brushing. It was as if a jolt of electricity shot up through my arm. "Sorry," he mumbled, pink spots appearing on his cheek. "It's okay," I said. He opened his eyes and I saw something ... funny, not exactly the right word, but, well, funny ... going on in his eyes. We were staring at each other and then, it clicked in my mind-I loved him. Just then Dumbledore entered the room, so I quickly turned to my book bag to take out my report. So did he.

When I left, I noticed the quill was still there. On the floor.

Diary, if this leads to heartbreak, I know I'll go insane. Maybe, ten years from now, Ron or Harry's children will come and visit me once a year at St. Mungo's Hospital. I can just imagine that. "That's Hermione Granger. She was once me and Uncle Ron/Harry's best childhood friend." "Why is she in there?" one of their children will ask. "We will never know," Harry/Ron will say. "I think it had something to do with heartbreak, but we didn't keep close contact in the last few years. Too busy with your mum." He'll chuck the child gently underneath the chin, she/he'll grin, and they'll leave. Something like that.

Even Professor McGonagall noticed something was amiss with me. "Anything wrong, Miss Granger?" she had asked. I, of course, denied anything. But, oh, I know this will never work. Just think- me, Hermione Granger, and Draco, Draco Malfoy. How have I been reduced to this?

Unless some sort of miracle happens, I will just be stuck loving him. I have a feeling this will not fade. I'll wake up one morning, read the Daily Prophet, and spot his wedding announcement with a picture. Later, maybe I'll find one of his children in the Births section. Then I'll explode and get shipped off to St. Mungo's. Unless a miracle happens, I'll just sit here, waiting for that day, trying not to cry, trying to hold myself together, thinking of him. Him. Diary, you tell me, how did this come to be?

--Hermione Granger