Can't Fight This Feeling

With a pained smile, James looked down at the small redhead leaning against his arm. She was fast asleep, and infinitely more beautiful than any dream girl could have been. Lily was the only way he could tell he wasn't also asleep; the silence was so smothering. Nervously he shifted, trying not to wake her as he stretched out a cramp in his leg. He'd been sitting here for hours, looking at her, dreaming about her even though he was fully awake.

The common room was deadly silent, the other plush scarlet sofas deserted. It was three in the morning according to James' watch. He'd been sitting here for four hours now without drifting off, just... looking at her. He started to imagine how much longer he could be occupied if he was kissing her...

But that couldn't happen. They were friends, and James would never do anything to jeopardize that. Ever. Sometimes, when the world was going crazy around him, she was all that kept him sane.

I can't fight this feeling any longer

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow

What started out as friendship has grown stronger

I only wish I had the strength to let it show

Or maybe he was just a coward. Maybe he was just too used to getting his way with any girl he wanted. Maybe, just maybe, he was afraid that Lily, the only girl to ever see him for who he was, would be the only girl to ever turn him down. She was different from any girl he'd ever dated, and that was where the danger lay. If she wasn't like them how could he ever win her heart? What kind of girl fell in love with James Potter?

James was suddenly struck with panic. Lily was definitely not the type of girl to go around falling in love with him. That was why he loved her. Most girls in school were exactly that type, but Lily... she knew he wasn't perfect. She knew that he had his faults and his insecurities, and she liked him anyway. But that way? James wasn't sure.

She also, James thought, had that annoying habit of making everything perfect just by walking into a room.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever

I say there is no reason for my fear

`Cause I feel so secure when we're together

You give my life direction, you make everything so clear

Even when it seemed he was paying her no attention in the world he was following her every move. When she walked he could hear her footsteps, even in a crowd of thousands. When she flipped her hair over her shoulder he felt the breeze brush past his cheek, even when the wind was crushing. When she laughed he laughed too, even if her laughter mingled with a dozens other girls'.

She was his angel, his firefly, beckoning him to her with a casual flip of her hand or a simple smile. Lately it seemed that her smiles came his way more often. Her laughter followed more of his cheesy jokes and antics. Her hand rested on his shoulder just that half second longer.

He told himself it was wishful thinking, but as he rested his chin on the top of her head, her soft red waves caressing his skin, he couldn't be sure.

There were a lot of things he couldn't be sure about anymore.

And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight

You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

She was hard to resist, as she lay there, unaware of the mental circus parading around inside his head. He wanted to wake her, and kiss her, and never let her out of the safe circle of his arms. In another way he wanted to let her sleep on forever, her comforting weight against him and her hair slipping out from behind her ear every few seconds.

He supposed he should tuck it securely away from her face, but sweeping it away gave him an excuse to touch her. He balanced it precariously on the edge of her earlobe, letting his fingers trail down her cheekbone before resting his hand on his leg. A few minutes later it would fall across her delicate features again, only to be swept away again. Each time his hand stayed in contact with her a little longer.

All of a sudden he couldn't remember why he was only friends with her. He kissed the top of her head and returned to his thoughts as she slept on.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

It's time to bring this ship in to the shore

And throw away the oars forever

`Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

And if I have to crawl upon the floor

Come crashing through your door

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

"James," she murmured, startling him out of his reverie. Her petite figure shifted slightly, curling into him as if she'd been sleeping next to him all her life. "I love you."

"Lily?" he asked softly, fears of breaking a precious thing lacing his voice. Dare he shatter the illusion? He noticed her eyes were still closed. In that moment James sent up a prayer to an unknown deity, willing her to open her eyes.

"Sirius...why've you got that partridge on your head? No, I 'aven't got the purple macaroni..." Her voice trailed off as the dream either came to an end or continued in a less noisy fashion.

At first James' heart nearly sunk down to his stomach. She was still sleeping. Then he chuckled, and the chuckle manifested itself into laughter. He silently shook with it until tears ran down his face. Through it Lily slept and finally James regained his breath.

"What are you dreaming about, Firefly?" he whispered with a smile. "Purple macaroni...?"

My life's been such a whirlwind since I saw you

I've been running 'round in circles in my mind

And it always seem that I'm following you, girl

'Cause you take me places that alone I'd never find.

 

The red strand fell from its perch on her ear again and for a moment James simply stared at it, marveling at its brilliance even in the faint silver moonlight. The little light filtering through the high windows framed her face in an otherworldly shimmer. She was an ethereal beauty, and her hair seemed all at once faded and brightened by the eerie luminance.

He tucked it back in place, his hand drifting down and across her jaw. He traced her bottom lip reverently and traveled up again, past the outer corner of her bright green eyes, and back into her hair. His hand tangled itself in the soft strands before it registered.

Bright green eyes...she was looking at him. He quickly withdrew his hand and sat up straight, forcing her to sit up as well. She blinked a few times as if confirming that he was real.

"You were dreaming," he said, his voice still low in the silence of the empty common room. It seemed like a reasonable thing to say, so he repeated it, a little lost in thought. "You were dreaming..."

"How do you know?" she asked, matching the quiet in his voice. It struck him that she knew she'd been dreaming too, and was perhaps testing him.

"You talk in your sleep," he said.

And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight

You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

"Do I?" She seemed a little nervous. She tilted her head to the side and looked at him, as one would regard a stranger when one wasn't sure how much of a private conversation he'd heard. "What did I say?"

"You asked Sirius why he had a partridge on his head." James smiled. "And you wanted everyone to know that you didn't have the purple macaroni."

She laughed, and in her laugh James could detect a note of relief. Her secret, whatever it was, was safe. Then he realized he'd been preoccupied with the humorous part of her sleep speech, his nature as a Marauder momentarily taking over. He realized he'd forgotten the four words that had had him listening with bated breath until he'd confirmed she was still asleep. How could he have left out the words that had come so close - so heartbreakingly close - to changing his life?

"And..." he continued, pausing to secure the hair behind her ear. He let it drift all the way behind her ear this time, wanting it to stay out of the way. He needed to see her face. His voice, already quiet, dropped even lower. "And you said that you loved me."

And I can't fight this feeling anymore

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

It's time to bring this ship in to the shore

And throw away the oars forever

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

I've forgotten what I started fighting for

And if I have to crawl upon the floor

Come crashing through your door

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

The silence was deafening. With ill-disguised trepidation James ran his hand through his hair, a deeper black in the half-light. Lily stared at him, her mouth opening and closing convulsively. Several times she made a gesture with her hand, grasping at air and coming up with nothing.

"I...I..." But James had been watching her mouth too long. In one swift motion he brought his hand to rest on the back of her neck and closed the space between them.

The kiss seemed to go on forever, James was so lost in just having her that close. Numbly he registered her hands on his shoulders, then one twining itself in his hair. He reveled in the taste that was Lily; a faint sweetness from a sugar quill, and something else he couldn't place. This close he could smell her soap...raspberry. It was nice, James thought hazily. Altogether his thoughts weren't very poetic, his brain seemed to be jammed in neutral.

They broke apart, James grinning like a fool and Lily looking faintly dazed. She leaned against him again and he draped his arm over her shoulders. Every once in a while he bent his head and kissed her, making sure she was actually there.

Sleep was starting to overtake her again, but before it did she craned her head and planted a kiss on the corner of James' mouth. Sinking back into her arms, she repeated herself, this time speaking directly to him.

"James, I love you." She was fast asleep before she heard his reply.

"I love you too, Firefly."