Always

Chapter five: And what about James' thoughts on the matter?

I always thought that the journey on September 1^st was an exceptionally long and usually rather boring one. I lived in St Ives so I always had that horribly tedious ride to get to Kings Cross station and then all the way up to Hogwarts. And even though Cornwall is hours away from London and can be reached within minutes by floo powder, my parents, however pure their blood, liked to do things the muggle way. Which meant I had to travel by car all the way to Bristol to catch a train to London.

When I asked my mother why we taking such a stupid amount of time travelling, I was told that I should learn to know how to use muggle transportation, as wizards have much to learn about their ingenious inventions. I didn't really understand it at the time, being twelve and having a short attention span. But during our escapades during the summer months us marauders used my expert muggle transport knowledge to the full.

That's how Sirius gained that giantess of a motorbike and Peter decided he got motion sickness on aeroplanes and threw up all over the seat in front of him.

But anyway, I always thought that travelling to and from Hogwarts was the worst, and most boring time spent anywhere, ever. I know better now. Having spent fifteen years dead and wandering around my version of Heaven, or the 'pleasant prison' as I have taken to calling it, those bloody hours spent in confined spaces of cars and trains were a blast compared to this.

I don't mean to be mordant but am I supposed to be grateful that I'm stuck in a world in which I can have everything I want except the people I miss most? The fact that we are stuck here until we join the next plane really does take the biscuit. We aren't allowed to move on from this plane of existence, this heaven, until we are ready to move on, until we are serene and at peace.

But how am I supposed to be at peace with my son suddenly obtaining clairvoyant tendencies, my best friend being able to move objects on Earth despite being dead, and the fact that The Hurricanes (my quidditch team here in heaven) aren't letting me play at the moment and are making me a substitute! I mean for Merlin sakes, existence is being rather hectic at the moment. Peace? No chance.

All right so I've always been the take-action type of bloke, but really, fifteen years spent stuck here would drive anyone up the wall. Most people have spent only a few years here, until they shimmer away leaving the spaces they once invaded empty and abandoned. But Lily and I? Nah we'll be here until the end of time or so it seems.

Lily doesn't seem to mind as much as me though. She visits Earth more often than me and spends lots of time sitting gossiping with our neighbours. She always has something, something, to do, to get on with. But I don't, I mean yeah sure I had quidditch to purge away some of this immortal existence but not much else.

Earth is a difficult place for me to visit for many reasons. One of them being it always makes me acutely aware of how much I miss my friends and son. Another is I hate seeing Harry always so unhappy, so unloved. I can't stand that he's with Vernon and Petunia Dursley. That they locked him in a cupboard and kept him unknowing about Lily and I, our pasts, and what he really is.

Every time I visit Earth I always return home ranting about Dumbledore and how Remus would have been a perfect parent for my Harry. Sirius was locked in Azkaban it wasn't his fault that he couldn't be with his Godson, to keep him happy, safe and loved. But Dumbledore stopped Remus from taking Harry. He rattled on about blood wards and protection that convinced everyone but me, Lily and perhaps himself. But if Sirius had been there, and God do I wish he had, for his own sake and Harry's, he would have kicked up a fuss. No one could stop Sirius when he got something stuck in his head. It'd be easier to squeeze blood from a stone. This was how he got stuck in Azkaban in the first place. And here, come to think of it.

Sirius was always different. He always liked to be the one and only, like he still holds the most detentions in one term record, he has always been proud of beating me.

But earlier he actually touched an object on Earth. Being dead and all that's not supposed to ever happen again. So what the hell occurred earlier then? I mean yes Sirius likes to be unique but falling through the veil of death and coming to Heaven and actually being alive? No way, it just can't happen.

My mind seems to be jammed. I can't fathom how Padfoot did that. I really can't. Nor can Sirius or Lily. But there has to be a reasonable explanation for it. There must be.

Sirius can't return to Earth, he's dead.

And even if he could, how would that be fair? I mean Sirius gets brought back to life, so he can live with my son, so he can chat to Remus and yell at Dumbledore and maybe even catch that traitorous rat Pettigrew. It would not be fair. It wouldn't be fair on me, Lily, or anyone else who longs for their loved ones.

I don't want to sound hateful or glad the Sirius is dead or anything, but if anyone was to deserve to spend time with Harry it should be me. Not Padfoot. Not Dumbledore. Me. And God do I sound self-important, but really Harry is mine, and I died to save him.

I really hate being stuck here. It grates on my nerves. It's even making me loathe people who are or were trying to help my family and me. Being here shouldn't do that to me, and I shouldn't give in to moaning and complaining that takes place in my nightmares. I shouldn't even think such horrible thoughts here nor should I speak such obscenities aloud.

I should be at peace here. But I'm not. I detest every moment. I just want to leave and move on. But I won't. Not until I learn my lesson.

And Lily can't move on until I do. I can't be parted from Lily, my dear, sweet Lily. Sometimes I feel like giving up and wishing myself into a place that'll burn my soul and end my pain. But I won't. Lily needs me. And I need her.

I couldn't leave Padfoot either. He's my best friend, my confidant, and the person who understands me more than I do. He's a prankster at heart and I know that my death nearly killed him. I can't and won't leave him again.

Sometimes I'm so jealous of Padfoot it makes my eyes burn. He got to stay alive longer than me, he got to meet my son, his Godson, and he got to converse with the philological Remus. Sirius had it all really. I suppose you don't really know how much you've got until it's gone, and Sirius seems to be learning that lesson and taking it hard.

But he'll be fine. I'll be fine. We'll both get on with our existence until Harry and Remus get here. Then we'll be content. Then I'll be able to move on.

It'll be difficult though, having to cope with Sirius. Even though he's nearly twenty years older than me, he'll still be that hyper ol' Padfoot that Lily and I know and love.

"James? Oy, James? Jamesy baby boo!" The irritating voice of Sirius interrupted my thoughts and used the name my mother liked to call me. "James wake up!"

"I am awake Sirius." I said jadedly. "I have been since I got up this morning."

"Well then answer, you prat. Lily wants your help."

"With what?"

"We're off to see some council committee or something; she wants to talk to you before we go."

Ahh dammit. Lily is going to be in tears after today's fiasco, and we have to take Padfoot to see Heaven's Council. Why oh why does everything have to be so difficult?

"Yeah all right Padfoot. Uh why don't you get dressed up in something smart and I'll go and see Lily?"

Sirius wandered up the stairs, face contorted into a frown as he clambered the staircase, deep in thought. I trudged into the kitchen and sat in front of Lily who was sitting at the scrubbed pine table flicking through our photo album from Earth.

Harry appeared on the page, his chubby baby cheeks smeared in chocolate, his toothless mouth pulled into a grin as he waved sticky hands at the camera. Gentle hands pulled him up from his highchair and placed him on their hip. Lily's face came into view, as she pulled out her wand and made him clean. Harry although mute, was obviously giggling and tried to snatch the wand from his mother.

The real Lily gave a dry sob and I reached for her hand to comfort her.

"My baby." She said in a soft whisper. "I want him back. I want to talk to him. I need to hold him again.........." She buried her face in her arms and clutched my fingers. "Tell the council to do something. I don't think I can go on seeing him as unhappy as he was. And God he's dreaming about us too. He's seeing our past. It's all written in that notepad. I can't let the Committee do this to him. Do something James. Make it better." She was rocking slightly now, tears welling in her beautiful eyes.

"What can I do? Do you think they'll listen to another distraught father? They have millions of requests. What makes us so different?" I didn't mean to sound so harsh but I know I did.

"But it's Harry!" She wailed. "Our baby, our son, the saviour of the wizarding world, the prophesised man who can destroy the Dark Lord forever......"

"But Lily......."

"No James. The council will do something about this. They will. I'll make them. I'll send Sirius down there to wreak havoc on Earth and then we'll see what they say!" Her eyes were burning with emotion and her tears had disappeared. She wasn't going to be timorous this time. No more contented Lily, she was going to make hell to get what she wanted. I know that from experience.

~*~*~*~

Gary Jules -Donny Darko Soundtrack- Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places - worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere - going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression - no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow - no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday - happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen - sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me - no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me - look right through me

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world . . . world
Enlarge your world
Mad world