Always

Chapter three: The Harry affair.

I've been sat here for over half an hour now, just sitting looking at the shards of the ceramic lamp and broken light bulb. I asked Sirius if he was here and he showed me that he's watching me. I couldn't have wrecked the light; I was over by the bed.

Oh God! What am I going to do? Will anyone believe me if I told them. Who would?

Lupin! Remus Lupin was Sirius' best friend, he was my professor, and he'd believe me wouldn't he? I suppose there's no other way to find out except for to write to him. Good thing Hedwig's here!

Dear Remus Lupin,

I know I sent my last letter to you and the others only yesterday but...something has happened and I wanted to write to you about it. I'm not in trouble don't worry, its just that I think I sensed someone in my bedroom.

I've read in my Divination book that very few people can sense spirits but I'm sure I did. Let me explain.

I was sitting, leaning against my bed when I felt *something *. It was like the air had shifted and someone was about to touch my shoulder. I looked around and I couldn't see anyone but I could still feel someone there. So I stood up and looked around. Suddenly it hit me it had to be Sirius; it had to be him trying to contact me. So I spoke and said to show me he was there. And then from across the room my lamp shattered as if someone had bumped against the table and knocked it over.

After a few minutes of me talking, the spirit, or spirits seemed to disappear.

Please Remus. I need to know what you think. You may think I'm mad, I won't mind you telling me. But I swear it really did feel like someone had been there.

I hope you don't mind me writing to you.

Harry.

After I finished sealing the letter and tying it to Hedwig I sat on my bed in bemused silence, my breath still shallow, my pulse beating rapidly. My tears had run dry long ago but my heart was nearly as heavy as it had been since Sirius died. It ached when he was here. I know he was here. It felt like him. I could almost smell him, his grassy, slightly citrus-y scent, and his impression of giving the room a numinous light, which seemed to pursue his presence. He had been here this afternoon, I know it was him I could just feel it.

And God do I miss him.

I miss him like nothing I've ever felt before. It's like how I miss my parents, just worse because I lost them so many years ago and I didn't know them. But I knew Sirius and missing him is just a constant dull ache, a hole in my heart and soul, which only Sirius filled.

I could hardly do anything that first week back here, I had to force myself to move, sleep, and eat. My eyes were constantly fogged with tears and every thought was painful and poignant. I cried for Sirius; the Sirius I loved, the Sirius I knew, the Sirius I had endangered. The truth was more agonising than I had ever contemplated.

"Sirius." I whispered my eyes filling once again with tears. The name was painful to even think - but to evoke it, to utter it audibly - Oh god I need him back so much.

I struggled to gain composure wiping the tears from my face viciously and taking deep ragged breaths. The loss of Sirius was incomprehensible at first, denial had been so easy... but Sirius had never left me alone, would never.

I don't know what to do without him. I have to deal a prophesy without him helping me come to terms with it, or with him telling me it will work out in the end. But he can't tell me that because he's gone. And I can't even blame one single person for that. It was mine, Dumbledore's, Kreacher's, Voldemort's, Bellatrix's and even Sirius' own fault he died, I can't hate him for leaving me alone. Nor can I hate Dumbledore, he just had Sirius' best interests and mine at heart, it just backfired on him.

I can blame and hate Bellatrix and Voldemort but what would be the point? I hate them already, they've killed innocent people before, it wouldn't matter if I said that they were the cause of the death of my Godfather, it would just be adding another name to the already gargantuan list.

I feel like my life is hopeless, that Voldemort's going to win and I'm going to die and he's going to plunge the world into darkness again. I need Sirius here, to hug me and tell me to keep faith because I *do * have the strength to beat Voldemort and that I will.

I wish you were here Padfoot so I could see you, talk to you, and embrace you. I wish you were alive Sirius because I miss you too much and I don't think I can go on much longer without you.

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Evanescence-Fallen-My Immortal.

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

But now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

And though you're still with me

I've been alone all along...

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