To This Day

TO THIS DAY

Jamie_Lilith_Potter

To this day remember everything.

It's been four years since the defeat of Lord Voldemort and four years since his disappearance. As I said, I remember everything. The way he smelled, crisp and clean every morning. The way everything he ever did had a purpose. The way his voice rang with authority. The way his cold gray eyes would twinkle and light up when I came back from my two-week absences. The way he held me close and protected in his embrace. I was his and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

The last time I saw him was at the final battle. I was helping Harry and when the battle was won my thoughts went straight back to him, but he was not found.

To this day, I don't believe he's dead. He can't be. The Aurors searched the battle scene ten times over, proclaiming the names of the dead and he was not among them.

I've cried many nights but there is no sense in crying anymore. I've cried enough and it's time to move on. Unfortunately that's much more easily said than done.

I tried getting help and it worked for a while; that is until my child was born. His child was born. What hurt most was that he looked so much like his father. The only difference is that he is happy. He won't grow up listening to absurd rules and be told what to believe in. I named him Damien, just what his father wanted. We would argue for hours on what we were going to name him, but we never did settle it. I do know 'Damien' was his first choice though.

Hermione and Ron Weasley helped me out a lot. They were a lot of help and I will never be able to give back those countless hours of sleep that Hermione lost because of me. I thank her for it.

Since Damien's birth my life has not been the same and I am glad that I decided to cope with his resemblance to his father. Damien is my life. Nothing comes before him. If anything ever happened to him I don't know what I would do. He was just one of the many gifts that I received from his father.

He had changed, however. The initial drastic change came in his last year at Hogwarts, and everyone noticed. Especially his father.

That was when he got scared, but his "new" friends stood up for him, and he won the battle for control over his life. Not, however, before being disowned by his father. Poor kid. His mother seemed to hate her husband after that night, but couldn't do anything about it.

She was murdered later that week, and at her funeral I stood by him. She was not my mother, and I knew almost nothing about her, but I did know how she died, and nobody deserves to die like that. She seemed to be a nice person, his mother, when she was not around her family. If I could go back in time, one of the things I would like to do is to get to know her.

To this day, I am still searching. I don't care if I find him dead I would rather have his body than not to know if he was still out there. Damien and I could finally have a conclusion. We could move on. I could move on. But until that day finally comes, I can't and never will. Just to tell him once more how I felt would be a luxury. But even if I will never get the chance to say it, he should know.

To this day, I still love him.