The Arm

The Arm

By Indus

I reached out and grabbed the letter from Hedwig, expecting the message to be about the Triwizard Tournament, especially since that Rita woman hasn't been writing, if you can call it that, lately. I was a little surprised since Harry and I don't enjoy regular correspondence, but then I opened it. It was short, and somewhat awkward. I never thought I would have an "awkward" relationship with Prong's kid. But then there isn't much I could have predicted about the last fourteen or so years.

Professor Lupin,

Professor Dumbledore told me to write to you and tell you that Padfoot is on his way, after getting in touch with the others. I won the Triwizard Tournament, in a way. I am fine. I hope you are too. I guess I will see you soon.

Harry Potter

I suppose it stood out because he had tried to cross it out, and that's why my mind latched on to that first. I could just barely read the part about winning the Tournament, and I was worried by the fact that he had felt the need to take out that information. Winning was a reason to celebrate, right? Except that it was probably Dark Magic that had included Harry in the Tournament to begin with, and I feared that it was Dark Magic that had allowed him to win.

And then I reread the note. My heart leaped at the news in the first phrase. Sirius was on his way! I hadn't seen you, my best friend and former lover since that night in the Shrieking Shack, when I took you're your chance to be free, but we had messaged each other for the last year while you were in hiding. I think it was clear from the letters that we both wanted to consider being romantically involved again.

And then I got to the second phrase in that first sentence, and everything made sense. The others are the Order of the Phoenix, and if they're being recalled, Voldemort is back. Oh Harry, Harry. What did you see, what did you go through to win the Tournament?

I sigh, as I sit here and remember getting that letter. How long ago that seems, but its only been a week. I had hope then, as I have had since I found out you were innocent. James always used to say I depended too much on my lover for safety and security, and I suppose he was right. I didn't really realize it until I woke up one day and read about your having killed Peter and a few Muggles and wizards, and betraying and killing James and Lily. But subconsciously, after that night in the Shrieking Shack, I think a part of me said it's all right, Remus, Sirius is back. And he will take care of everything. But then the letter came, and you arrived at my doorstep just a week later.

I stand by the window, looking at the half-moon and listening to you snore. You always were loud, Padfoot. I hope you don't think I don't love you, but I had to rebuff you earlier. I need to be your lover. I need to love and be loved by you, but I can't. Because I know that I won't survive this war.

Did you realize when you were telling me Harry's story? Did you know you were divining my death? Oh, love, can't you see it? I am a werewolf; I fear the moon. But I also know how to read the stars by finding the patterns they form, and it's a small step to begin to read the patterns in life. And in this case the pattern is clear, and it is telling me that I am to die.

What is the pattern that I see here? It's simple, my friend. Almost fourteen years ago, Peter betrayed James and Peter and had them killed. He then framed you for their and his own murders, and sent you to Azkaban for twelve years. But I was spared that time. This time I won't be, love.

And Peter has a silver arm. Silver, my love, silver! All he has to do is touch me. Little Peter has only to touch me to kill. He has just enough cowardice to do it, and I fear that he will.

There were signs that this was going to happen. I haven't studied the Dark Arts for so long not to know that there are a great deal many ways for Voldemort to return, especially with Harry being too old and powerful to keep protected even by Dumbledore. I take comfort in the thought that I helped protect him as a child, so that he didn't have to know about Dark Magic until he was ready. Well, as ready as anyone can be. I set some of the wards protecting him at the Dursleys, but I wonder if he would consider living with Petunia a reason to give thanks. I remember Lily's stories, but then I wonder if all this could have been avoided by never bringing him to Hogwarts. If Dumbledore had left him in Surrey, maybe... But Harry would leave someday, and it's better that he be prepared to fight Dark Magic. Besides, James' son has to go to Hogwarts.

But as I said before, there were signs. He kept trying to come back, and I knew it was just a matter of time before he finally did. Moreover, I knew a mortal, weak Voldemort would be easier to finally defeat than the being he became, especially after he drank the blood of a unicorn. Dumbledore and I discussed this, and as much as he cares for him, I think the Professor wanted this to happen. And we know that there is no one better at making things happen than Dumbledore, although you and James come a close second.

And now it's happening, and we are preparing for war. I'm writing this down, and I'll keep it away. I suppose you'll read it when I die. I'm not going to write that I want to die or any nonsense like that. I've fought every step of the way to live, and I fancy I've lived my life with dignity. For a werewolf, that's quite an accomplishment. And then there's you, Sirius. You're back, and there's no reason why we can't live happily ever after, except for this war. It will split us up more definitely than the last, and until a year ago I thought that was impossible. I want to have years with you, I want to grow old with you, and I am very pissed off to feel that after all we've gone through we don't have that. I don't even have the luxury of hope. But that doesn't mean I am going to give up. With my last breath, Sirius, I will fight for the people who I love and who have shown faith in me when others would brand me a monster and dismiss me. That means you, Harry and his parents, Dumbledore, Harry's friends Ron and Hermione, my parents, Nurse Pomfrey and the staff at Hogwarts who were always there for me.

Do you remember that Muggle movie Lily made us watch? It was American, but it was very famous all over the world. I think it was called "West Side Story." There is a song the hero sings to his girlfriend when he wants them to run away together and then later the heroine sings to him when he's dying that I think fits our situation. It goes something like:

There's a place for us.

Somewhere a place for us.

Peace and quiet and open air

Wait for us

Somewhere.

There's a time for us,

Some day a time for us.

Time together and time to spare,

Time to look, time to care

Some day!

Somewhere

We'll find a new way of living,

Will find there's a way of forgiving.

Oh Sirius, when you get to that place, I will be waiting, I promise you that. But you must not try to get there before your time. You must not even want to be there early. Harry needs you, and he needs you to need him too. I know you love him, but you have to remember that he's lived his life as a burden on other people who don't really care for him, and he needs to have someone who will take care of him because they think the world is inhabitable for no other reason but that Harry Potter is in it. And James made you that person almost fifteen years ago when he named you Godfather. So I want you to read this and take comfort in the thought that I've had time to get used to the idea of death, and that no matters how unexpectedly or quickly I died, we have said our goodbyes. Best of friends, most loving of lovers; know that I love you with every fiber of my being. And know that I end this:

Yours

Remus

*

Remus sighed and sent the letter to Gringotts, with instructions to send it to Sirius in the event of his death. He turned and prepared to go to sleep on the couch. After a long argument, he had forced Sirius to sleep in the only bedroom so that he could recover from the long journey he had just completed as Padfoot.

The bedroom door was open, and Sirius was standing in the doorway.

"Oh, did the owl wake you? I'm so"- Remus' voice died away as he realized that the fugitive was absolutely naked. He looked into Sirius' eyes and read the messages there as clearly as if they were holding a verbal conversation. It had been a long time, but not even fourteen years apart could undo the strong friendship forged in their childhood. Besides, except for those few weeks in the first war with Voldemort when friendships were strained, it had always been easy to read Sirius. And in this case he was very definitely seducing Remus.

Remus couldn't help laughing as he remembered a thousand previous instances of Sirius trying to get Remus into bed. And they always worked. Would it be so bad to give in? Would it really hurt Sirius any less to lose him if they weren't lovers?

Remus realized that he was being a fool. In such times, it was all the more necessary to hold onto love. He remembered once asking James if it had been wise to have a child during the war. Holding tight to his son, James had replied that it was for his child, and other children, that he was even fighting this war. Otherwise, what was the point?

So he decided to take every moment he could, and in return he'd give Sirius memories to sate him for the decades they would be apart. Sirius must have read something of that decision in Remus' eyes, because he suddenly strode forward and pulled the slighter man to him. As they kissed, Remus put aside thoughts of Peter and his silver arm, and thought only of love.

THE END