The Basilisk and the Secret Chamber

The Basilisk and the Secret Chamber: (AU parody sort of)

Chapter One:

The sun dawned bright and early on an uneventful Saturday morning at Hogwarts. Nevertheless, Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was already awake and carefully planning for the day ahead. It was the middle of the summer holidays and all would normally be peaceful but today was a very special day.

Dumbledore, eccentric man that he was, had informed her that Hogwarts would be receiving a very important guest today. Minerva sniffed a little at the thought of the "guest" but did not voice her disapproval to the other professors. The previous evening, she had given them their schedules for the day - Albus had requested that everything go as smoothly as possible, "Memory Charms to a minimum, Minerva", he had said with that infuriating twinkle in his eye. As much as Minerva loved and respected the old bat, she, like the other professors and students often questioned his sanity. Severus was wont to say that his fits of brilliance were in fact, fits of madness that nobody except him seemed to recognise.

Still, no matter how much he grumbled and grouched, Severus had agreed to play his part. Minerva allowed herself a small smile in recollection of his horror at learning he was to be on hand to meet their "guest" and that he would have to... horror of horrors... wash his hair. Their guest, one Dolores Umbridge - School Inspector of the British Government was to make an inspection of what she thought was a high-class private boarding school for especially gifted students. Minerva almost snorted.

At 9:00 am, the Hogwarts staff gathered in the Great Hall to welcome the Inspector. She was a short, dumpy woman as far as they could see - her ostentatiously wide hat blocking out most of her head. It was HUGE; floppy on the edges with a garland of fake plastic flowers set at a jaunty angle along the brim. Snape's lip curled in disgust and revulsion. Minerva found herself pressing her lips together to prevent a smile. However, on closer inspection, the woman was not an amiable, middle-aged dame. She had a severe navy blue suit on, all the edges crisp and newly ironed; a sensible pair of flats in no-nonsense black and a pair of thin spectacles resting on her pinched nose. Severus watched her greet Minerva and was struck by how similar she appeared to Hogwarts great Deputy Headmistress. Dolores Umbridge had the same stern and wrinkled expression as if she had been sucking a lemon for the past fifty years.

Minerva introduced her one by one to the staff, watching anxiously as Dolores hemmed and hawed her way from harmless Professor Sprout down to a grimacing Professor Snape. He was still fiddling with his clothes - unused to wearing the Muggle clothes the day had required. As she led Dolores through a brief tour of the school, carefully omitting a few areas of the old castle - it would never do for her to see the broom shed or Moaning Myrtle's bathroom - she got the distinct impression that Ms Umbridge's expression was becoming grimmer by the minute. When she finally paused outside the portrait of the Fat Lady who had been strictly instructed not to move, Snape found he was ready to throttle the damn woman. She had been shaking her head resignedly, sighing repeatedly and furiously scribbling away at her notebook.

"Halloween," Minerva said to the Fat Lady. Dolores raised one eyebrow questioningly. "All four house dorms are guarded by password-activated doors... for privacy and protection of course," she hastily added.

"Hem, hem," Dolores muttered and whipped out her notebook once more.

When they finally finished the tour of the school Minerva led the Inspector out to the grounds - carefully diverting her attention so that Dolores would not glimpse the Quidditch posts in the middle of the pitch. Inspector Umbridge was then introduced to the lake, the giant squid fortunately too hot to make an appearance and finally, taken to Hagrid's Hut. Upon seeing the Forbidden Forest, Dolores was startled and about to make a comment when Hagrid burst onto the scene cheerfully. Whatever she had been about to say was cut off as Inspector Umbridge gave a choked gasp of fear and gripped Professor Snape's arm quite painfully. He ground his teeth together, a vein in his forehead throbbing quite dangerously near to bursting. Sighing, Professor McGonagall pulled out her wand.

"Honestly Hagrid, you should have more sense than to scare the Inspector. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this," pointing her wand in Umbridge's horrified face, she said, "Obliviate."

Umbridge's expression relaxed as her eyes became unfocused slightly and Snape pried her hand off his arm.

"Come on, let's take her back to the castle as quickly as we can and try to convince her she fainted from the heat before she remembers."

McGonagall led the rest of the professors (sans Hagrid) in an undignified jog back towards the castle. They deposited Dolores into a chair in the Great Hall and collapsed around her, panting heavily save Madame Hooch (unused to exercise as they were). Moments later, Dolores sat bolt upright and looked around at all the puffing professors.

"What happened?" she demanded in a high-pitched squeak.

"You...er...fainted...from the...heat." Professor Sprout huffed out. "We're all very hot you see. Awful weather." she smiled kindly, pointing out her own reddened cheeks. Bewildered as she was, Dolores allowed herself to be escorted to a delicious lunch "much better than most boarding schools offer," she observed.

Lunch seemed to settle her and once the plates were cleared she promptly began to grill McGonagall. Minerva answered as best she could but she could see Umbridge becoming more and more dismayed by her answers.

"So, what subjects do you offer on your curriculum?" Dolores questioned.

Minerva stared, speechless. It had never occurred to her that the Inspector would want to know about the school's curriculum. Umbridge's pen hovered above the paper, it's owner's mouth pursed in disapproval.

Quickly recovering, Minerva glanced around at the silent professors for help before alighting on Professor Sinistra. She, at least, taught a subject that would be recognised in ordinary schools.

"We offer Astronomy as a core subject until their 6th year when they can choose whether or not to keep going," McGonagall quickly responded.

"A...form of chemistry is also offered throughout years 1 - 5, with further learning subject to test results..." Professor Snape jumped in quickly, grateful at that point for taking Muggle Studies back in his 3rd year.

"Oh yes, and we offer erm... advanced Mathematics," Professor Vector added, her earnest face nodding hastily.

"Our curriculum is very diverse and different, we try to cater to the special needs of our talented students and we tend to offer a variety of subjects that most schools do not have." Minerva cut in, taking control of the situation once more. "Aside from those already mentioned, we offer History, the study of various cultures, a defence class, a veterinary course, a botany course, spirituality and astrology, the theory of change, a language course and also a general class for learning of helpful skills that will benefit our students in their day to day lives."

"Humph." Umbridge frowned. "What about Pastoral Care? And what sort of education about the world do these children learn?"

"Pardon?"

"Like Health and Human Development! How are these children to learn about safe sex if they aren't taught it in schools? Do you think their parents tell them about contraceptives and STDs and puberty?" Umbridge exploded in McGonagall's face. Minerva distinctly saw Severus turn green at Umbridge's mention of the "S" word.

"Well... our students seem to be able to figure that out for themselves after they graduate." Minerva offered in response.

It appeared that this was not the correct reply. Umbridge drew herself up to her diminutive height and puffed out her chest in a show of self-importance.

"Well! It is essential that such a class be run! A decree by the British Government Department of Education was issued in regards to this and it states that all school must provide counselling and some form of education on the Health and Human Development of students for those students in years 10 and above. That would be years 5-7 for your school. I shall be discussing this with the Headmaster immediately and giving him my assessment of the school. Now, please direct me to the Headmaster's office if you would be so kind."