Our Love Can Never Be

March 10, 1975

Today was supposed to be the most important day of my life. I was finally going to tell Remus that I've fancied him since the day we met on the train; I may even love him by now. Today's his birthday, and what better gift than a new girlfriend who really cares about him? Well, he did get that gift, but not from me.

It was after lunch, about ten minutes before Transfiguration. I hadn't talked to Remus at all today. I'm sure he found it strange that I was avoiding him on the day his mother gave birth to him (bless her!), but I knew I would blurt it out if I spoke to him too soon. I had to wait for the perfect moment.

I knew that the time had come while I was standing in the Entrance Hall: he had dropped his books and was shooing his friends ahead of him. I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and started walking to him. I was a few yards away from him when I smelled sweet pea body spray: a sure sign of Kerry Greene.

Kerry is an over-the-top slag. I think her only purpose in life is to have sex with every boy in Hogwarts (that's why the last Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was fired last year) She's very smart, and the teachers really like her (and I mean really), but she uses her intelligence for the wrong reasons. When she was in third year she learned how to perform a Memory Charm so that she could wipe the minds of any boys she had her way with. The guys just remember the first date and the quiet breakup. She can't wipe the minds of all the girls, though. But whenever she approaches a boy and asks him out they don't know that she has been with fifty other guys. They think that she's really sweet and just has trouble settling down. It's sickening to think that my Remus is her next target.

"Let me help you with those," I heard her say sweetly. She got down on her knees and helped him put the last few books into his bag. I almost pulled out my hair in frustration when their hands touched, and they blushed (Remus really did, Kerry pretended to).

They both stood up. "Thanks," he said. He gave her a smile, the smile that melted my heart every time I saw it. I almost swooned right there.

"You're Remus Lupin, right?" she asked after returning the smile.

"That would be me," he replied.

She brushed a few stray strands of her blonde hair behind her ear. "Word around here says that today is your birthday." She shifted her weight to her left leg and stuck out her hip.

"That's right," he said.

"Happy birthday, then," she said as she flashed a movie star smile. He was already wrapped around her little finger.

"Thank you very much," he said with another heart-melting smile.

Kerry paused for a moment as she surveyed him shyly (she is a good actor). "Do you want to go out?" she asked timidly. She bit her lip with a small smile.

Remus' eyes portrayed confusion for the briefest moment. I was the only one to notice, though; I stare into those eyes enough to know whatever emotion passes them. Now they portrayed happiness. "Sure," he said.

My jaw dropped. That's not what he was supposed to say. He was supposed to say, "No, I'm afraid I like someone else." Then he would see me and ask me to be his girlfriend. I would say yes, and we would kiss passionately while Kerry stared on jealously. Although we wouldn't notice her because we would be in our own little world. Oh, the things I dare to dream.

Kerry smiled again as she grabbed his hand 'shyly.' They started walking towards me. I shut my mouth quickly and tried to put on a happy face.

"Hey, Lily," said Remus as he passed.

"Ha-happy birthday, Remus," I choked out.

He turned around and smiled at me then returned to look lovingly at his new girlfriend. They walked to Transfiguration while I stayed where I was. My limbs weren't responding; my feet felt glued to the floor. The images of people rushing around me to their next class were blurred. My body was there, but my mind was elsewhere.

In one minute my dreams were shattered. I felt cold, empty. I felt like a shell, not really alive. Tears came to my eyes, proving that I still had emotion, as I saw Kerry put her arm around his waist and him do the same to her. That was supposed to be my waist he put his arm around. I'm supposed to be the one he smiles at lovingly. I should be the one to see the love in his eyes, those beautiful eyes. But that was snatched from me by Kerry Greene, Hogwarts' resident man-eater.

Reality hit me as I saw in the distance Kerry laying her head on his shoulder. How could I have even imagine us together? He'd never go out with me while Potter is still chasing after me. It's an unspoken code, even among girls: don't mess with your best friend's man/woman. Now that I think about it, probably every boy in Hogwarts thinks of me as Potter's property. There goes my social life.

Remus is one of my best guy friends. I'm worried that Kerry will hurt him. And worse yet, he won't remember being hurt. I'm really protective of Remus, especially since I figured out he's a werewolf a few weeks ago. He always seemed so fragile when we were younger; I did my best to keep him from harm. But what if Kerry figures it out? Or even worse, Remus tells her? He's not going to forget that. He would most likely leave the school in a noble effort to protect the other students, even if the other Marauders and I tell him to say.

If Kerry hurts him I swear I'll kill her. If she tells the school his secret, I'll kill her twice over. But, no matter what happens, at least he'd know that he has a girl to talk to, a girl that doesn't care what he is. Maybe Kerry should tell everyone. Then we'd stand a chance.

What am I saying? Seeing Remus hurt isn't worth his love. It would kill me inside to see him suffer. A romantic relationship with him isn't worth his suffering.

I'll just have to hold my tongue. He'll have to have some happiness without me. No matter what I say or do, our love can never be.