Barefoot and Pregnant

"Why is it the ultimate goal of women in fan-fiction to be barefoot, married and pregnant?" I begin choking on my tea, the question came from nowhere. I look across at my hostess, and I finally understand why Mr. Ronald Weasley had once called her, "Brilliant, but scary".

It's another muggy august day The sun shines with oppressive heat, even as the air-conditioner struggles to bring relief into the yellow living room. The shades are half drawn so a slant of orange light falls across the back of Ms. Grangers chair casting an eerie glow around her as she stares straight at me. I shift restlessly in my seat for what feels like half an hour but, which I can tell from a large grandfather clock in the hall, is barely a minute. The conversation up to this point had, I admit, been bordering on an I.Q. breaking level of dull; as I vainly attempted to put Mrs. Granger at ease for our interview. Obviously it had gone the other way around.

"What do you mean?" I ask slowly hoping I had misheard. She looks at me shrewdly for a moment, before smirking.

"Why is it that good fan-fiction doesn't need to have a male character paired up with any one else; while in the same story the female characters will be lucky if they aren't paired by the third chapter?"

"Well that's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?"

"Is it really? Well let's consider fan-fiction in general than. How many stories with a male lead character rely on romance alone to drive the plot. Of course there are exceptions, but generally romance serves as a side attraction. The story and plot could have done just as well with it as without it. While when its centered on a female point of view the whole plot, with some exceptions of course, is based on her being settled comfortable with that 'special someone'." Her eyes flash dangerously as she says this. Hoping to placate her I decide to agree.

"Well a lot of it stems from who the authors of the stories are really. Generally girls write stories about girls; and more often than not the girls who write fan-fiction are teenagers. One of the main interests of teenage girls is romance." I realize my error to late and correct it miserably. "I mean most...a considerable number of -"

"So it then becomes okay to neglect all other accomplishments and dreams that a woman has to gossip about their love life." She says sharply before sipping from her mug of coffee. A spot of ginger offers some relief from the tense conversation as Crookshanks sashays into the room sniffing at me haughtily before resting herself by Hermione's feet. Hermione bends over to stroke her gently for a few minutes and seems to become calm.

"Well relationships are an important part of a persons life." I say, attempting to weasel (no pun intended) my way out of this conversation. "I mean a lot of people spend their entire lives planning who they're going to marry. How many children they will have and what they're names will be." Hermione continues to stroke Crookshanks absentmindedly before looking back up at me.

"I do wonder about those things, but I don't allow it to define my life and who I am and who I will become. The way that many of these fan-fictions are written I feel like I become merely a tool. My character as some puppet for the relationships they want to work. When it comes to me and my future, the only thing that seems important to anyone is who Rowling is going to pair me up with."

"It must be very frustrating for you." I said feeling slightly guilty, as I had also planned to pry into her love life. "People writing all about you, and you not being able to do anything about it!"

"Well I wouldn't say that exactly." I stare at her uncomprehendingly for a few minutes, before she smiles at me pityingly. "You see Ginny also been a bit 'irritated' by what's been written about her. She even got annoyed at Ms.Rowling, and while she can threaten her with a bat boogey hex; she realizes she'll needs to take a different strategy with fan fiction writers ... and well Dean's father happens to be a web-programmer and he's been giving Ginny some lessons." Her smile stretches farther and almost looks sinister. "Lets just say that not all technical difficulties fanfiction.net has been experiencing lately are without reason." I must be gaping like a fish, because she appears to chuckle at the expression on my face. After a few minutes she stops and wiping tears of laughter continues.

"There's more to each and everyone of us than even Ms. Rowling's books can cover. A whole lot more than is ever written about in fan-fiction. Each and everyone of us have hopes, dreams and aspirations that are completely ignored by fan-fiction writers. I know it's not just the girls who have had this problem. You should hear Ron ranting about how he's sick of being the dumb sidekick. But honestly by now I would rather be the dumb sidekick than some sort of flesh bate for pairings. I mean why doesn't anyone write about me and S.P.E.W.." Her face takes on a rapturous expression as she continues.

"You know its really been doing well lately. I've submitted a few editorials and essays on the subject of elfish rights to quiet a few magical journals. In fact one of my editorials is slated to appear in Ethical Magic November edition. Dumbledore has also shown interest in the project. Unfortunately he's a bit too preoccupied with Lord Voldemort, oh for goodness sakes you're as bad as Ron! Anyway Victor has been helping me sound out ideas, as well as gauging foreign public opinion. Though we still haven't done as much as I had originally hoped to do this summer. I admit I'm still trying to re-cover from fifth year."

"I can imagine so are you still taking several potions a day?"

"No, no just one now."

"Must have had a devil of a time explaining it to your parents, didn't you?" It's the first and last time Hermione I get to see Hermione actually show a weakness. She quickly hides a blush of embarrassment by bending over and petting crookshanks wild red mane. "Well my parents have finally accepted the fact, that well accidents happen."

"Accident?" I say slightly amused, much to my error. Hermione's head shoots up again to stare at me coldly. I begin squirming in my seat. I knew just than it was the beginning of the end.

"Yes accident!" She says with narrow eyes. Desperate to find some sort of escape from this predicament, I open my mouth further only to shove my foot into it. "Anyway now that you're getting better, I'm certain your very busy dealing with all the other messes from your last year. It must be very emotionally draining. I mean helping Harry deal with all he's been through." I say in a voice several octaves higher than normal.

"If your trying to ask me if I've been trying to help Harry deal with what happened this year, than yes I have. Friends help each other to try to come to terms with loss and misfortune. If your also asking how Harry is doing, I can thoroughly say it's none of your business -"

"I wasn't-"

"Even if it was it would be for Harry himself to tell you!"

" I just meant that it must be very hard work to comfort a friend who's been through so much. You must have a very sympathetic heart." I say again hoping to escape this sudden dilemma. By this time I begin to fear for my very life. Ministry prohibition on under-aged magic or not, their lots of funny ways to get rid of people that people couldn't question. With a brain like hers I'm pretty sure she knows quiet a few.

"When it comes to my friends and to those who have been mistreated I will go out of my way to help them. I do not however exist to be an emotional pincushion that's abused by those who would insult me, my family or friends; despite what many amateur authors think." My head begins reeling at the sudden change of topic. I can hardly keep up mentally, but only stare at her dumbly. "I'm just so tired of a lot of things. Some of these things I can't control. What people write I can't control, I just wanted to set the record straight for once. I'm not dating anyone. There are a few people I have romantic interests in, but I don't plan on centering my entire life to fit into some story book romance. I am an open minded person and I do realize a lot of what I'm feeling now could just be infatuation. I know that in life there are little constants and that I might end up in a place and with a person that I didn't expect. In the end I have nothing wrong with being paired with Victor, Ron, Harry, Neville, Draco or even Snape." I could not help to notice however that she let out an involuntary shudder while uttering the last name.

"I am however offended by the total disregard of my character, and of who I am as a person. I don't really see the sense of using my name if your going to describe an individual that bears absolutely no resemblance to myself! I have nothing against fan-fiction , in fact I thoroughly enjoy it when it's well-thought out . I merely wish for more authors to use their common sense a little bit more; after all I'm certain I've made Mrs. Rowling write me well enough to expect people to now that I'm not going to be just satisfied with being Barefoot married and pregnant!" The old grandfather clock strikes one and Mrs. Granger rises from her chair. " I believe that ends our interview correct, it is one hour exactly."

She exits the room and I follow quickly behind her, everything moves like a blur as the gears in my head slowly begin to turn. Within a minute I'm already stepping outside. I finally understand! " You never intended to answer any of my questions did you!?!" She looks at me softly for a moment before answering. "And here I thought you were a bit dull, but you've caught on fast haven't you." Than she smiled like a Cheshire cat as she slammed the door in my face.

Editors note: Due to a printing error the publication of this article was delayed by four days. Subsequently we apologies to all who have been waiting for this article. A special apology is also being offered to a Ms. Ingrid Hall, a pseudonym for, the authoress of this column who expressed a desire to receive the first publication. This especially grieves us as she's being treated for a very severe rash that makes it quiet impossible to read the article's herself. For all concerned however she is reportedly to have said that the p has already faded and that she is thoroughly hopeful the r o c r a s t i n a t o r well eventually fade as well. To send your comments or heartfelt wishes for a speedy recovery to Ms. Hall, please send a letter to Miss Hall of St. Joseph's hospital of New York, third floor room 205.

And in next month's issue, depending upon readers response and Ms. Hall's health, an interview with a Mr. Ronald or Ms. Ginny Weasley.