The Bathroom Incident

THE, UH, BATHROOM INCIDENT


"Potter! Oi, Potter! Look over here!"
James tried to keep his mind focused on the murky liquid in his cauldron. He'd had enough of Snape's little jokes.
"Maybe he'll like it better if I add in his Mummy," he could hear Severus whisper over the scribbling sounds. Judging by the muffled giggling coming from the Slytherin table, his latest sketch was his biggest hit yet.
Even Sirius wasn't much help this time. His jokes were falling flat, and the Snape impersonation just wasn't as funny without that fake nose Filch had confiscated. James could take it no longer. He leaned over and snatched the drawing pad from his enemy's hands.
He'd only just about had time to take in the sketch (himself, weeping piteously, clutching a teddy bear and a bearded woman's picture), when he felt a cold hand grab his shoulder. "Vot is dis, Potter? Stealing Snap's notes?" the deep bass queried. Suspicious eyes roamed all over the parchment, which now, strangely enough, seemed to hold nothing but Potion formulas.
"He just... grabbed it, Professor," Severus was trying to put on an innocent expression, with only partial success, "I had no idea, I..."
"Quiet, boy!" Frau Toedlicher-Schnapps turned her pale monocled gaze on him. "I know you boyz. All guilty, if not dis time, den dee next. Five from Slyfferin, tventy from Gryffindor." She stared around nastily, daring anyone to complain. By now they knew better, of course, so, with a final nasty all-encompassing look, she strode off towards a new victim.
Behind her back, Severus turned around and smirked.
Sirius would have launched himself across the table right then and there, but he felt a restraining touch on his shoulder. He turned to see his friend Remus leaning in conspiratorially.
"Do you know what I don't understand?" Remus asked under his breath.
"You mean, apart from how on earth that slimy unimaginative git pulled off something like that?" Sirius grunted impatiently, his hands still twitching in the towards Severus' neck.
"He used the Tabula Rasa spell," James muttered, stirring his potion with much violence.
"Well, yes," Remus continued, "But what I don't understand why Snape thinks your mother resembles our Potions professor. Unless, that is, he just sees Toedlicher-Schnapps everywhere. Maybe he's in love?"
They contemplated the possibility silently. "Wish _I_ could draw THAT," James muttered.

"Don't worry, James, I'll fix that Snape," Sirius announced in menacing tones as they walked back to Gryffindor tower, "I'll fix him good."
"Ah. You have a new plan?" asked Remus, trying to rub the results of his unsuccessful experiment off his robes. "I was so sure she'd said eye of newt. Who's ever heard of eye of SCREWT?", he mumbled to himself.
"I know what you could do!" exclaimed Peter, catching up. "You could insult him!"
"Oh, that's brilliant, Peter!" Sirius exclaimed, making as if to bow before him, "Now, why didn't _I_ think of that?"
"No, I mean, really insult him," Peter said, excitedly, "You know Livia? The third year? The one who says her father is a sea captain?"
"Yes, we all know about THAT," James interrupted, "She's been selling insults and curses in the common room, three sickles apiece."
"Waste of money, if you ask me," announced Sirius airily, "Why pay for something people are ever so willing to give away for free?"
Remus looked at him with interest. "So that's why you've been so, well, exceptionally annoying lately. You've been trying to provoke people!"
"Which reminds me," exclaimed Sirius, "James, aren't you glad I didn't tell you to just grin and BEAR it?"
"Just drop it, Sirius," said James in his most threatening tones.
Remus became pensive. "I do wonder, though, how Snape knew about your, well, stuffed animal..."
"Maybe Livia sold him the information." Peter said grimly.
"No matter what, I'll fix him," repeated Sirius. "Just you wait."


The following morning, at breakfast, Sirius seemed particularly smug.
"Is it me, or do you seem particularly smug?" Remus asked. But Sirius would say nothing until they were back in their room and paying a satisfactory amount of attention.
"Last night, I had a dream," he began in grand dramatic style. This drew some groans of "Not again!", but he willed them to silence with a flick of his hand. "I had a dream that these fine halls of learning were plastered with pictures - not sketches, but PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE - of our friend Snape in his natural habitat: a girls' bathroom. Just imagine, a girls' bathroom: how could a mere teddy bear compare?"
He looked around to gauge the effect. James was interested, Peter, confused, and Remus, mostly skeptical. "I am not sure that I see..." he began.
"Of course you don't, my friend! But you will!" exclaimed Sirius, leaping off his bed. "You will see all, once you have heard my plan! And," he added modestly, " you will revere me as the mastermind I am. All we need is my camera, an isolated girls' bathroom, an a way of giving Snape a very urgent reason to visit. I was thinking of... Vomiting Allsorts!"
This speech somehow failed to inspire the right reaction. His friends looked at each other. "THAT's the grand plan?", James asked.
"Well, you have to admit it's inspired," answered Sirius indignantly. "Perhaps a little short on menial detail, but then you're so much better at that sort of thing."
"How's this for a menial detail: we're out of Vomiting Allsorts! Don't you remember last Tuesday?"
Well, James was certainly right. Sirius looked visibly deflated.
"Maybe it's all for the best," Peter volunteered, "considering what Professor McGonagall said the last time..."
"Yes, yes, yes, I know, if I get just one more detention this month, I'm facing the horrible doom that is suspension," Sirius rolled his eyes, "but that is if we get caught! And, besides," he continued, striking a heroic pose, "did the valiant wizard George turn back at the sight of a dragon? Did the mighty Bogumilla desist just because she'd glimpsed the goblin hordes?"
It was quite a performance. Even Remus, who had been nodding in answer at the last question, couldn't help grinning as he looked up at his friend. "NO!" shouted James. "NO," echoed Sirius, "a way MUST and WILL be found!"
A few moments of serious thinking followed.
At last, Peter spoke, hesitatingly, "What about that potion I read about in that medical encyclopedia last year? You know, the Golden Rain one? Invented by I.P.Freely?"
"Brilliant!" James was back on track. "And to think that we laughed at your taste in books!"
"Well, he WAS looking for a Bulging Muscles spell," Sirius murmured.
"It's a good idea anyway" James was none too pleased with the interruption, "so, you, Peter, will make the potion. Now, as far as I can see," he continued, as Peter beamed with pride, "the only chance we have of making him drink it is to pour it into his cauldron in Potions. Unless anyone can think of some way we can get at the Slytherin table."
"It'd have to be different from what I did last Tuesday," Sirius sniggered, "I don't think they're falling for THAT one again."
"No, Potions is perfect, actually," said Remus, raising his eyes from a piece of parchment he'd been scribbling on, "Here, look at this map." His hasty drawing did, indeed, resemble a map fragment. Stabbing at it with his wand, Remus continued. "Here is the Potions classroom. Where we'll be tasting a Loud Shouting Potion next Friday. And here, all the way along here, are Transfiguration and History of Magic. This, in fact, is the path we walk every Friday afternoon. Over here is something we pass every week."
"The only bathroom within dashing distance," James muttered appreciatively.
"A girls' bathroom!" sighed Sirius, "Remus, you are a genius! As a token of my appreciation, I will now warn you NOT to eat anything I give you next week."
"Um, thanks," said Remus, embarrassed by the compliment and confused by his reward, "We DO still have a problem, though. The bathroom has WITCHES written on the door for all to see. Not even Severus with his little beady eyes could miss that sign. He may choose to keep running - I think_I_ would."
"Ah, that's the easy bit," Sirius said, leaning back smugly, "We'll just transfigure "WITCHES" to say "WIZARDS"!"
"We'll have to get there way ahead of him, though," Remus explained, "and I'm pretty sure I won't be able to. You know I'm usually the last one out of Potions."
"That's quite all right," James put in, "I'll do that. You can provide a distraction when we mix the potion in: you'll be good at that, just act ill or something."
"And I", Sirius announced, "will accompany James, ready to take pictures."
Peter had been sitting quietly, still quite pleased about the potion, but he was obviously starting to get worried. "Shouldn't we have some lookouts or something? It'll be kind of suspicious if a teacher sees you, um, accidentally taking pictures right at the scene."
"Good idea, Peter. Could I see that parchment?" James asked, emptying out his pockets. "Now, the plan is this. You two may well have to stay late, so you'll be rear lookout. You will... Wait a moment," he said, searching the pile on the ground and extracting a parchmentclip and a broken pencil. He placed the two objects on the map. "You two will take up your post at the foot of this staircase right here.."
"James," Sirius interrupted, having searched James' pile of stuff himself, "Whenever you get to positioning me, I want to be this Quidditch team pin."
"No, actually, I'm the pin. It fits ME so much better. You can be the chessman, " James stated flatly.
"Oh, the CHEWED-UP chessman, that's SOOO generous. I think you should be the dungball wrapper."
"Just you be glad you're not... this... whatever it is," James prodded an unsavoury shapeless lump.
"Wait, I've got it!" Sirius exclaimed, eyes narrowing, "I know what YOU should be! How about a ted..."
At this tense point, Peter chose to interrupt. "Remus, I want to be the blunt pencil," he forced out shrilly.
"Fine with me", Remus replied, keeping a wary eye on the other two.
"Tell you what, Sirius," James said generously, "you can be this key I found in Filch's office. You'll get to sit behind that large statue, in a perfect position to take pictures. And I, meaning this pin, will be the forward lookout, behind the cactus right here."
There was a general murmur of agreement. Then James spoke up again, "We'll use the usual danger signal: three owl hoots."
"Pay attention, Remus," Sirius interjected, "hooting, not that odd sound you make. It just sounds too suspicious inside a building."
"What odd sound?" Remus frowned.
"You know, the yelping thing," Sirius answered helpfully. Remus did not seem reassured, but for some reason chose to drop the subject.
"Now, if all goes well," James said with an air of finality, "Mr Snape here will be struck by, um, certain urges. He will speed up..." Here he waved his wand to move the greenish lump along a passageway. "He'll start running... and stumble right into our trap." All leaned over the map as his wand traced a gleaming bullseye over the bathroom door.


Friday at last. Potions at last. The second half of the week had dragged on and on for all except Peter, who had only just managed to complete his appointed task. But now the little bottle of yellow potion was in James' pocket, and Sirius was making good use of the bags under Peter's eyes by pretending to confuse him with Remus. Class was going well, Snape was easy to ignore, and even the Professor was in a good mood. The Loud Shouting potion they were finishing up was clearly one of her favourites, as was the formula they were starting on, a Perpetual Leather Polish.
And then, suddenly, class was nearly over. Prodded by several well-meaning elbows, Remus stepped forward, past Snape's desk. "Professor... um... Professor," he called out, recoiling slightly as Toedlicher-Schnapps whipped around and fixed him with her eyes, "the potion... should it be pink?"
Everyone's eyes turned to his cauldron, which, did, indeed, contain a pink frothy mass. Snape sniggered to his friend Niccolo and muttered something about how well it matched Peter's pink baby cheeks.
"Loopin!" the Professor bellowed, peering at him suspiciously, "No, dis Potion should not pink be! Pink Leder! Hah! Leder is most usually Black!" Here, appropriately, she turned to face Sirius. It was really quite fortunate that James had just finished emptying the bottle, for she looked at the two of them quite carefully as they stood over their (jet-black) brew looking as much like innocent schoolboys as they could manage. At last, she turned away. "Oh vell, Loopin. I hope your Very Loud Shoutink vorks. Taste it and say Ah!".
Remus gulped and grinned nervously. He was fervently hoping that his Loud Shouting Potion was of better quality than the vivid pink mess in his cauldron. Peter smiled at him in an attempt at reassurance and passed him a cup of the stuff. Another quick gulp and...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Remus clamped his hand over his mouth, rather terrified. Professor Toedlicher-Schnapps, on the other hand, was very pleased. "Very gut shoutink. You do not fail. Dis time. Now, class, you all taste your potions and den, ve vill ALL shout."

Their heads still echoing with the sounds of very loud shouting, James and Sirius finished clearing up and moved off down the corridor. "DO YOU THINK SN..." Sirius began, then gazed at James in frustration. Most private communication was clearly out of the question until the potion wore off.
An exchange of triumphant smiles was, however, possible, and what they saw as they approached the bathroom made it quite necessary. A rather large group of giggling third years was disappearing behind the door. James raised his eyebrows and pulled out his wand with a smirk. He had no intention of leaving for his guard post under these circumstances: besides, it wasn't even as if he could produce the danger signal right now without alerting the whole school.

Peter and Remus, meanwhile, had finally managed to lock their Potions cupboards and were settling in at the foot of the stairs. Peter was visibly agitated. His eyes kept darting this way and that in a highly suspicious manner: this was, fortunately, not unusual for him, especially after Potions with the Slytherins. As for Remus, his calm demeanor as he searched through his bookbag was quite reassuringly normal. Few people would have guessed that he was dying to speak to Peter, and upset that he couldn't do so without shouting his concerns. He wanted to ask if his shouting had sounded, well, odd or howly at all.

Meanwhile, their two friends had scrambled into the gap behind the buxom statue as Severus and his partner Niccolo speedwalked into view.
"IN HERE," Severus bellowed, jogging towards the door. The volume of his voice didn't seemed to be fazing him, but then the had more immediate problems.
Niccolo didn't seem quite so sure. Obviously possessed of a better visual memory, he waved at the door briefly, and sped off down the corridor.
"IDIOT!" was Severus' only comment. Visible evidence seemed to bear him out: there was nothing obviously wrong with the door, and the sign clearly read "WIZAHDS". Pulling on the doorhandle with great force, he rushed in.

At that very moment, Peter nudged Remus urgently. Professor Toedlicher-Schnapps was marching down the corridor, holding a nasty-looking hairbrush and what seemed to be a piece of pink ribbon. They exchanged worried looks. Was she heading where they thought she was heading? Remus gestured at Peter to stay and distract her. He himself set off ahead to warn the others.
Peter was terrified. This was one of the more difficult moments of his school life. He hesitated. And then he hesitated some more.

By the bathroom door, meanwhile, things were getting quite interesting. Severus' entrance had been followed by a few seconds' pause, disappointing Sirius. The screams that erupted afterwards were, however, really quite enough to make up for it. The door burst open, and an unusually ruffled Snape stumbled out, followed by a rather ferocious-looking blonde in very frilly robes.
"YOU!" she shrieked, "I suppose you think it's FUNNY, frightening innocent girls? Or are you just very confused? Do you perhaps think you are a girl, hmm?" she asked, prodding him with her wand.
Snape was struck speechless, which only served to enrage her further. "Won't even APOLOGIZE, girly-boy? Well, I'll show you, you Slytherin..."
Enraptured, Sirius pulled out his camera and set to work as Livia poured out several Galleons' worth of curses upon Severus. Her wand was busy, too: at regular intervals, she would wave it with a flourish and a brief mutter. Snape was driven into a frantic dance as he attempted to conceal the various articles of female undergarments into which had started appearing in place of his robes.

The fantastic torrent of abuse streaming down the passageway naturally drew the professor's attention. As she picked up her pace, all Peter could do was follow. Remus heard her boots right behind him as he raced towards the bathroom. It was too late to warn his friends. He slowed, and then stopped entirely, nearly hypnotized by the sight of Snape in pastels.
Toedlicher-Schnapps, meanwhile, chose to turn her attention on Livia.
"MIZZ LOKI!" she shouted forcefully. It sounded as if she'd had her share of the potion. Or perhaps not: it could be sheer emotion. "VOT ARE YOU DOING TO DAT BOY?"
Livia froze, and spun around, ponytails whirring. To her credit, her voice was quite even, even spirited, as she answered. "Good Afternoon, Professor. I do hope you will agree that a lady has a right to attend to her toilette in the privacy of a powder room without being interrupted by juvenile perverts!"
This seemed like a rather apt description for the heap of lace from which Snape's head now protruded. The professor turned towards him, but recognition did not come easily. "Ah, SNAP!" she said at last, "Vot is dee meaning of dis?"
"Professor," Snape gabbled, his voice down to a mumble, "professor, this HARPY... she did this... it's a MEN's bathroom... take her away, make her stop!"
At that, the forementioned harpy scowled with indignation. She could do nothing but point at the door sign in explanation. Her glowing expression disappeared quickly, however, as she noticed that both the text and the picture below were quite different from what she remembered. The picture, in particular, drew her interest. It had been turned from a nonedescript witch silhouette to a badly drawn, and highly unflattering, portrait of the professor herself.
And the professor had started to notice.
Suddenly aware that this brilliantly funny final touch may have been a trifle misguided, Sirius grabbed James' arm in an attempt to drag him away from the scene of the crime. Quietly, they moved out of their hiding place together...
"Potter! Black!" Snape was attempting to run towards them, in spite of a whalebone corset which made his breathing rather shallow, "I knew it! This is all your doing, isn't it?"
"_I_ vill ask de questions!" Toedlicher-Schnapps turned her pale eyes in their direction, freezing them to the spot "Potter! Blek! Dis is all your doing, yes?"
There seemed to be no escape. They were in for it: they had clearly had both motive and opportunity. James decided that their only hope was to charm their way out. "We were just... practicing... for Transfiguration..." he explained with his best disarming smile, "That's where we're going right now, Professor."
"Yeah, we're very sorry about what happened to Severus," added Sirius sincerely, "Really, we weren't expecting him to be in such a hurry..."
They looked over at Snape, preparing to deny any potion-oriented accusations he might feel compelled to make. He returned their gaze, his eyes full of hate. They could just about see through all that lace that he was struggling with himself. To their enormous surprise, however, he said nothing.
'Practicink... for... Transfiguration...", the professor repeated. "Practicink wif dee humorous pictures of Professors! Back in my homeland, I would have thrown you into the vood to be eaten by dee evil verewolfs!" She paused for dramatic effect. "But here, so sadlee, dere is only detention. Loki, Snap, one week. No argument!" she held up her hand. "Potter, Blak, two veeks!" she finished with a sneer.
This was most dispiriting news. Only Livia seemed philosophical about: she probably felt it had been worth it. Snape was clearly fuming and plotting revenge. Sirius was gloomily pondering professor McGonagall and the evil doom that is suspension. It was James, however, who felt that his problem was by far the greatest. He couldn't help it; he had to speak out.
"But... Quiddich practice, Professor! I'm new on the team, and the first game is..."
"I COULD make it FOUR, Potter!" the professor barked out. "My office. After dinner." She turned around. Clearly, as far as she was concerned, the matter was closed.

Remus, who'd spent the last minutes in the gathering throng of onlookers, was truly appalled. It all seemed so very unfair on his friends: the punishment would strike them both particularly harshly. And, meanwhile, he was just as guilty as they were! He had even had a chance to enjoy the spectacle! He knew what he had to do. Giving James and Sirius a brief, meaningful look, he stepped forward.
"Professor Toedlicher-Schnapps," he said calmly, "I'm very sorry. I was hoping you wouldn't see that picture."
James and Sirius stared on in shock. The professor paused. "Vot is dis?" she asked, peering at him through her monocle. "Vot are you sayink, Loopin?"
"I'm saying it was me who transfigured the door. It's the truth, and I can't let my friends get in trouble for protecting me," he explained. Seeing that James was about to speak, he sent him another quick look, willing him to shut up. "And I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend you: it was just a rather stupid joke."
"I think maybe it is now your friends you are protectink, yes?" said Toedlicher-Schnapps suspiciously. "Ven did you have time to do such a think?"
"Right before class, of course," Remus stated, his face frozen into a carefully neutral expression.
"Hah, but the girls, dey would have seen dis I think," the professor suggested. It was almost like a game.
"I don't think we really looked," said Livia, eyeing Remus strangely. "We'd take it for granted, you see."
Toedlicher-Schnapps gazed down at her least favourite pupil, standing motionless before her, and then glanced back at his friends. This was taking far too much time. And it seemed a likely enough story, as she knew the dislike to be fully mutual.
"Fine, Mr Loopin. Three veeks, I think. And you vill never, ever, do such a think again. Understood?"
Remus nodded mutely. Only after the professor had turned around and started walking was he able to exhale fully.

"Come on. Transfiguration time!" James said firmly, grabbing the others and pulling them down the corridor. The three of them walked on for a while, in increasingly troubling silence.
"I hate this! I can't believe we just stood there!" Sirius finally exclaimed, "And what were YOU thinking of, Remus? I wanted to step in, but it felt so creepy, like you were duelling with a basilisk..."
"Well, yes, it did feel something like that..." replied Remus, "But I just couldn't stand by and let you two get suspended and kept from your Quiddich. And yes," he added with a smile, "I do accept your thanks. And yes, I will demand tribute daily and make your lives a misery until this is over."
"Yeah, thanks, man," said James with summoned cheer, punching him hard in the arm.
"You can have any and all of my worldly possessions," Sirius declared, "except my broom and my magic pen. Oh yeah, and my raven. My life's fair game, though," he grinned.
Meanwhile, James had started looking at Remus seriously. "You know, you really are a good friend," he began.
"Oh, stop it," Remus interrupted, "You'd have done the same for me, right? If I was threatened with suspension or suchlike?"
Well, that went without saying, so they walked on in silence again.
"Wow, Remus," panted Peter, running up to them, "I didn't know you were so good at... um..."
"Lying?" suggested Remus with a sigh, "I suppose we all have our hidden talents."
"I think she believed you mostly because she knows you how much you dislike her," suggested James.
"Yeah, why do you?" Peter asked, "It's not like you at all."
Remus shrugged uncomfortably. "Snape didn't tell on you very much, did you notice that?" he remarked.
"Too ashamed," said Sirius. "Did you see... the corset..." he tried to begin, but soon broke into hysterical laughter "and... the blue frilly thing..." He started to dance around, covering parts of himself at random. It really was too much for the others. Soon, after he'd executed a particularly daring pirouette, they were all laughing; James loudly, Remus, almost silently, wiping away tears, and Peter, slightly nervously.
"I'll say this for Snape," concluded Remus, when they'd calmed down, "When I think of him in girl's clothing, nothing seems quite so bad anymore. Not even detention.


A week later, Remus dragged himself to his feet most unwillingly. "Detention... in Potions... with Snape...", he sighed, "Time to go, I guess."
"You're still my hero, Remus," Sirius said in a monotonous voice suggesting much repetition.
"I expect you're still unwilling to tell us exactly what you're dyeing pink in there?" James looked up from his book hopefully.
"Trust me, you don't want to know. It'd give you nightmares," Remus replied.
"Yeah, you're never at your best when you get back," James pointed out, "maybe you could pretend to be sick? They'd believe you."
"In a few days," Remus sighed. Really quite happily.
"Wait, I'll walk you down," said Sirius with a grin "Got to say hi to Livia, you know."
This statement drew some very strange looks.
"Oh, there's no need to worry about my sanity, guys," Sirius explained, choosing to ignore James' disbelieving snort, "I'm just trying to make sure I'm there when her dad's Howler arrives."