Outside

Surprise. That last fleeting emotion. And I felt it with all my heart. But what clouded my mind at that moment was not my future, or lack thereof. It was my past. And you. I didn't mean to, friend. No. To leave you behind. I never meant that. But it happened. And you can't change the past.

Always together, he and I. But you were on the outside. Quiet, unnoticed for the most part. I changed that. You never had to be alone. You always had a choice. I just made it apparent. You were my best friend. Always steadfast, predictable, stable. I could count on you. But you shied away at first. I don't blame you. You know, you were one of my first true friends. And I am thankful for that.

You gave me something others could not. You balanced me out perfectly. Reserved as you were, it just fit. And you started laughing. Always smiling you were, after we became friends. That smile brightened my day numerous times. You have no idea. And it sounds silly, but just one smile would give me a different outlook. You changed my point of view sometimes. And it was wonderful.

Different, one could say. Yes, we were different. But that didn't stop us from becoming like brothers. Closer than brothers. We almost shared the same mind. Of course, you always got the better half. But within our little world we would always stay like that. In that perfect bubble. Unchallenged and unchanged.

How wrong we were. Death surrounded us. We were apart. But brought back together by Fate. Everything was different. Changed. It could never be as it was. You knew that. But you didn't admit it. And then it happened. That one moment that would end it for me, and destroy it for you.

Sorrow. That is what we both must endure. Be strong, my friend. You always have been. Even if you didn't know it. You were always there for me. And now that I can't be there for you, you have to make it on your own. Don't be afraid to walk that path. It isn't all pain and tears. But now I'm gone. I'm on the outside.

~*~

It wasn't worth it anymore. Nothing mattered. I should have perceived what would happen, but I did not. Blind. That is what I was. Is there no one else on whom to lay the blame? Certainly, you say. But not in my mind. All because of my foolishness. Eager to take the plunge. I did not realize how cold the water would be. Did not think ahead. And now my heart is covered in ice. Never to be thawed. Not whilst I still live.

I knew you all too well. Never thought our closeness would breed such sorrow. But that was how it started. All the pain and suffering. It began with friendship. I had never had any real friends. No one to tell my troubles to. No one to laugh with and cry with. Some would say such things were lost on me. No. They thought that out of ignorance.

Nobody knew me like you did. No one had taken the time to get to know me. Always the odd-man out. That was me. But not with you. You always were there for me. Even when I lied to you. When I was angry with you. Forgive and Forget. That is what you did. And I was grateful. No one had treated me quite the same way you did. Like an equal.

Nobody could bring me out of my shell like you could. You had that way of making me feel so comfortable. I let my guard down when I was around you. And I am thankful for that. You made me see that I didn't have to shut people out. I didn't have to be lonely. I had a choice.

But what we had was ended. Never to be revived. Not in life at least. I saw you fall. So graceful I would have thought it was planned. But for your expression. Surprise. That is not what I felt. I couldn't feel anything. That is when my soul went numb.

Nothing can match the sorrow I feel. Nothing. I died in that moment. All that lay before me was pain. Dried blood and empty dreams left in my footprints. No one should have to go through this. You were too good a friend for me to have lost you. I was always standing on the outside, not part of the group. You let me back in.