Laugh of the Lily

I stood outside the door of our room, which was open ever so slightly.

It was open enough for me to see and hear what my husband and son were doing, but not big enough for them to see me.

I was just going to go inside. Harry was sleepy; it was time for his nap.

But James's words had stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Harry, we're not going to live longer, your mother and me."

My muscles had automatically tensed at these words. I didn't like being reminded that we would die.

"But you will live, Harry. And you will help hundreds of others live in peace."

I relaxed slightly, but I did not enter. My bad case of curiosity prodded me to listen to James.

I saw Harry yawn; so adorable. I was tempted to put him to sleep, but James had swooped him up into his strong hands and was rocking him back and forth.

Harry would fall asleep in his arms.

"Do you want to hear a story, Harry? One I'll never be able to tell you again. But I hope you'll remember it."

Harry's chubby fist reached up for James's chin, squeezing it slightly.

"It's about your mother. Did you know, Harry, she used to be called Lily Evans. She was so very beautiful, Harry!"

Harry seemed to nod with understanding.

"Well, she still is."

I felt color rise in my cheeks.

I was not beautiful! Well, I'm still not...

"I first met Lily - your mother - on our first train ride. We were first years then; young and foolish. I met Sirius and Remus then, and I was talking to them well bragging, really. Your mom was passing, and I heard her scoff."

I smiled a thin smile of remembrance.

Oh, yes. Who would care that James had played a prank on his cousins over Christmas?

"I was young - and, well - arrogant, and I opened the door. Then I saw her."

Harry gurgled.

"She had already changed into the school robes, and she was looking for a compartment. I asked--well okay, stuttered--whether she would like to join our compartment. I could see that she didn't like me, Harry, and that made me curious. She agreed, though."

"So we were in the compartment, and she was such a know-it-all. Really. Insufferable would be the perfect word to describe her."

Insufferable!

"And then, Harry, Remus made this joke. I didn't find it funny; it was not humorous in the least. But Lily happened to think it was funny, and she laughed. And, dear Merlin, did I love her laugh."

At that moment Harry giggled. James laughed too.

"Yes, Harry, something like that. I don't know but when I heard her laugh, it was just... magical, you know? On the train, suddenly I was filled with this giddy sensation. I know, Harry, giddy sensation? But there isn't any other way to describe it. I felt like I could fly. That day I was so jealous of Remus that I didn't speak to him until curfew."

I found myself chuckling quietly. How very James-like of him.

"My first year was one of the best years I ever had. I had three great friends; Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Lily too, often hung out with us. It was great. I could hear her laugh all of the time."

James was looking off to space, as if in his mind he was going through his first year again.

"In my second year, Harry, I got a huge surprise. Suddenly Lily didn't laugh as much. Sure, she still joked with us, but her laugh was just different. Her true laugh was rare, most of her laughter was forced."

I felt my jaw drop. No! How did he know that something changed in me in the summer before my second year? It was when Petunia started dating. Did it really have that big an impact on me? It changed my laugh?

"And by my third year, it got even worse. Suddenly she didn't want to relax in the common room with us after an exhausting day of classes. She spent that time alone, in the Library, studying. And gosh, was her laugh rare as ever."

Did I really change like that? Oh, Merlin... it can't be possible!

"The only guy she was with was Remus, because he was as just as big a study freak as she was. By that year, the other Marauders had realized my... umm... feelings for Lily. Even I hadn't realized it. I always heard that boys were slow, but I never thought that I would be slow."

I scoffed. He still had that arrogant first year in him. When he was in first year he was cute beyond description, but also very full of himself.

"That summer, I reflected a lot. I mean, there was something different about Lily Evans could just tell. I just couldn't place what. And then I heard this song on the WWN. A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love, by Celestina Warbeck. That was my favorite song. Or maybe it was because Lily loved it so much. I can't remember," James said.

I had to stifle a laugh and fight the sudden temptation to go in there and run my fingers through James's beautiful black hair.

His hair was always that gorgeous.

"Anyway, that song did the trick. I realized I was in love with her."

Third year? I realized it in my seventh year! And I thought boys were supposed to be slow!

"In my fourth year, I decided something had to be done to Lily. I just had to hear her laugh because it was so addictive. So beautiful, so peaceful. Like nothing could go wrong if she laughed, you know?"

Harry did not make any more noises; I realized he must have been asleep already.

"So I became somewhat of a prankster. I tried my hardest to make her laugh; but then she just called me arrogant. I even played tricks on Severus Snape - this horrible guy whom I hope is dead before you grow up - but she wasn't impressed. It was impossible to please her. I was this arrogant, bigheaded, insensitive guy to her. And all I wanted to do was to make her laugh."

I froze. What James said crippled me.

"Loads of girls in school were starting to fall in love with Sirius and me, and I could not understand why Lily did not like me. I turned everyone down and Sirius went out with a different girl each week. 'Those were the good times,' he said. To me, fourth year was the most miserable year."

I never realized this part of James. The information pierced through me like a fire arrow. I never guessed.

To hear my laugh, that was why he had done all of the stupid jokes and pranks?

Before I could digest his words, he had continued.

"Then, Harry, my fifth year. I realized that maybe if I was good, I could get Lily's attention. So I toned down the mischief that year. And she still didn't like me. I studied hard, but she studied hard too, and no laughter escaped from her beautiful lips. I got 7 O.W.L.s that year in Defense Against the Dark Arts, that actually got me an 'O', Herbology, Potions, Charms (which was Lily's favorite subject), Transfiguration, Arithmancy (which I originally took just because Lily took it) and Care of Magical Creatures. Lily got 'O's in every subject she took, which was practically every subject. I also learned to become an Animagus with my friends that year. Lily didn't know, of course. This was a top-secret thing. I was nicknamed Prongs, because I took the form of the stag. But I guess you'll never see me like that, will you?"

I felt tears sting in the corner of my eyes, the blush that rose during his explanation of their O.W.L.s drained from my cheeks.

That's right, Harry would never know us.

"In my sixth year, they made me Quidditch captain. You'd think that would impress Lily. But no, it didn't. I almost gave up on her, until this thing dawned on me. It wasn't her laugh I was in love with; it was her. Her laugh was just an excuse, a cover up, I had made a long time ago."

I squeaked, almost inaudibly.

"In our seventh year, I was made Head Boy, and Lily was Head Girl. That forced her to spend time with me, much as she hated it. But slowly, I started to gain her trust, you know?"

James chuckled.

"And we made a bet. If I could get higher marks on this really difficult Arithmancy essay than hers, then she would go out with me. And guess what? After a weekend of endless studying, I beat her. Professor Vector marked her essay ninety-nine, and mine ninety-nine point five."

I laughed to myself. How angry I had been.

"Then she was mad. Boy, Harry, you don't want to see your mother mad, trust me. But she was a woman of her word, and so she went out with me. We had such a great time that I asked her out again and she accepted. So we became an official couple, that year. That was the best year of my life. Making out in deserted corridors, kissing behind statues and suits of armor, it was blissful."

I let a smile linger on my lips. A nostalgic smile.

"Now, I can hear her laugh anytime I liked. That's the end of the story, my Harry." James kissed Harry's forehead. "Goodnight. You know I love you."

James set Harry down in his crib.

Then, in a pondering sort of voice, he said, "Hmm... I wonder if Lily is smiling or crying behind the door right now?"

He walked over to the door and opened it. I stood there, both smiling and crying at the same time.

"Oh, Lily," James said, pulling me into his safe embrace.

His embrace was my haven; the one place where I felt safe, I felt loved.

"I love you, James," I said, looking into his brown eyes.

James grinned. "I know."

I squeezed his middle. His neck smelt so fresh, like soap. If only I had realized I loved him before our seventh year, we would have more time.

Time is once again making fools of us all.

"Lily, listen. Dumbledore said that--"

A loud banging on the door interrupted James.

My eyes turned round with fear as I clutched on to James.

"I love you, Lily," James whispered, kissing me for the last time.

"Potter! Open up!"

I shivered. The voice was hardly human. No, it was not human at all.

"It can't be time," I pleaded. "It can't be."

It's not fair! It's not fair! Everybody else can grow up happily, with two parents caring for them and a normal life.

And Harry has to be an orphan, with the weight of the wizarding world on his back too.

I shivered with the thought of Harry as an orphan. Harry was not an orphan.

He was ours. James's and mine.

James replied with a solemn "I love you".

Downstairs, the door blasted open.

"James!" I shrieked.

"I love you," he whispered.

They heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Harry started wailing, irritated that he was rudely awoken from his short nap by the noise.

James leaned over the banister to take a look. A look of panic filled his eyes as he met my gaze.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's Him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off--"