The Space Between

~ CHAPTER FOUR ~

OWLs

The following morning, Remus did not speak much to any of them. He got up first, went straight in the bathroom and drew the curtains around his bed until it was time for breakfast. When you shared a dormitory with three other boys, it was the only way to make them understand you wanted privacy. Sirius, James and Peter were used to it by then, but all three of them noticed that he only usually asked for privacy in the week before the full moon. Sirius resumed getting dressed and the other two boys were left exchanging inquisitive looks and shrugging once more.

"What's going on here?" James finally asked five minutes after they had settled for breakfast.

Both Remus and Sirius had remained practically silent since they had sat down. The former was munching on a piece of toast while Sirius played with his virtually untouched cereal.

"Have you two been fighting over revisions or something?"

Sirius looked at James, his eyes silently pleading him not to ask anything else.

"I think you could say that..." Remus replied slowly. "The idea I had isn't really working; I need to rethink it." He stared at his plate for a few seconds and when he looked up again, his eyes locked on Sirius' face. "You're excused for lunchtime today."

In normal circumstances, Sirius would probably have beamed. But he did not. He forced himself to smile before pushing his cereal to the side and grabbing a slice of toast instead. He was convinced Remus wanted to swap and be paired with James instead; it was so obvious. He wondered when the other boy would have the courage to admit it.

After lunchtime, Sirius found himself wandering the corridors alone. James and Peter had gone to the library and Remus back to the dormitory, allegedly to rethink his method. Sirius knew better than to trust everything Remus said these days, and after pacing up and down the same corridor three times, he made his way towards the Tower. He would not have much time before the next lesson, but he had decided not to let things like these linger anymore.

When he walked in the dormitory, he was surprised to see Remus on his bed surrounded by paper cards and books. He was expecting him to be sitting with his head in his hands, or maybe even lying down, with the curtains drawn. Remus looked up and chuckled. He rearranged the cards around him and put some in a pile.

"Don't ignore me again," Sirius pleaded.

"I'm not. I've been thinking a lot... I'm not going to ask Peter to swap with me, if that's what you're thinking. It would be too suspicious. Besides," he added, gathering more cards, "my speech at breakfast didn't mean anything. I know my method's good."

Sirius sat down on the corner of the bed that was not still covered with cards or books. "So what are you doing right now?"

"I'm making new cards."

"You're doing whatever you can think of to ignore and avoid me."

"That's not true! Look, I'm trying very hard not to think about it because the exams are coming. Is that so hard to understand? I won't let it mess up my hard work; I want to succeed and I want you to succeed too! Not only because I'm a prefect and it's expected of me, but because of how much it means to me to be in this school in the first place."

He pushed the cards aside and moved closer to Sirius, placing a hand on his forearm.

"Sirius, I need you to be my friend right now. It can't all fall apart so close to the exams. Please don't do that to me. Then we'll have the holidays, and plenty of time to reflect on what we did wrong..." he said, suddenly looking full of hope.

What we did wrong? I don't need two months to know what I want...

"Sirius, please?"

"All right... But I can only be your friend if you do the same for me. That's not a one-way thing; it's about team work."

"I know that. Can we do it?" Remus asked, holding out a hand.

Sirius smiled despite everything and grabbed Remus' hand. "Of course we can."

With both of them making efforts, the last week of revision went by without a problem. There were a few awkward moments--like when Remus found himself having to squeeze past Sirius in the crowded library when most students realised it was high time they started revising--but neither of them made a fuss about it. Even though he could tell the other boy was growing bored and restless as the first exams approached, Remus carried on with his schedule.

As they sat for the first one, he felt confident that he had prepared Sirius well. He did not feel so positive about his own situation, though. He had never been under so much stress and those were the most important exams they had taken so far. He did not want to fail. He was aware of how difficult his professional life would be, and he wanted to make sure he was as ready for it as possible. Plus, he was going through a ludicrous amount of chocolate and sugar quills these days, which was far from good, even for a young stressed out werewolf.

By the time the exams were almost over, Nature seemed to remember that it was summertime and the weather became sunny and hot almost overnight. They had just finished their Defence Against the Dark Arts exam when, despite Remus' plea about the few Transfiguration points they did not all master, they decided to go out on the grounds to enjoy the sunshine.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Sirius asked as they emerged into the Entrance Hall.

Moony... He was still getting used to being called something else than 'Remus'. It had been Peter's idea that they should give themselves nicknames referring to their Animagi forms, like heroes in books would do. Remus had not been against it; James and Sirius had thought of it as another opportunity to show off, by using names no one but them would understand the meaning of. 'Moony' had been Sirius' idea, right away. It had taken them longer to find the others, but in the end they had agreed on 'Padfoot', 'Prongs' and 'Wormtail'. It had been good fun checking the other students' reactions when they first started using those names, but by now, no one paid attention anymore. Not that it stopped James and Sirius from using them all the time...

"Loved it," he said briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" James asked in tone of mock concern.

"I think I did," Remus said seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front door eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus Lupin."

Peter did not laugh with them and struggled to keep up. "I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail," he said anxiously, "but I couldn't think what else--"

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" James said impatiently. "You run round a werewolf once a month--"

"Keep your voice down," Remus implored between gritted teeth.

"Sorry, mate!"

"Come on," Sirius said with a sigh, stretching. "Let's go down to the lake."

"Don't you think most people will want to go there?" Peter asked.

"Not if we beat them to it."

They walked down the lawn at a slightly quicker pace than most students--who were all too busy discussing their answers to various questions--and were glad to find that their favourite spot by the old beech tree was free. A group of girls were having a stroll by the lake but only James seemed to notice them.

"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," Sirius said as he threw himself down on the grass. "I'll be surprised if I don't get 'Outstanding' on it at least."

"Me too," James said. He put his hand down his pockets and took out a struggling Golden Snitch.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it," he replied casually. He started playing with the Snitch, allowing it to fly as much as a foot away before seizing it again. Peter watched him in awe.

Remus glanced at the girls by the lake and rolled his eyes when he saw that Lily Evans was among them. No wonder why James was showing off even worse than usual... Shaking his head and wondering when the other boy would finally grow up, he got his Transfiguration manual out.

Sirius reclined, propped up on his elbows. Carelessly, he let his eyes wander around, glad to be away from the Great Hall for the day and out in the fresh air again. Remus was sitting a little way behind him, and whether it was deliberate or not, he found it annoying. Trying to ignore the other boy, he stared around at the students, looking rather haughty and bored.

"Put that away, will you," he sighed after a while, as James made a fine catch and Peter let out a cheer, "before Wormtail wets himself with excitement."

Peter turned slightly pink, but James grinned. Remus said nothing but let out a soft sigh. He hated the way Sirius' behaviour changed when it was not just the four of them. The same applied to James. They always had to show off and make fun of Peter, who had nothing but utter admiration for them. It upset Remus that they were too blind to see it.

"If it bothers you," James said, stuffing the Snitch back in his pocket. Even though he had finally managed to catch the attention of the girls by the lake, he stopped because he could see the other boy was in a rather nasty mood.

"I'm bored," Sirius said, finally lying down on the grass and enjoying the touch of the soft and cool blades against his face. "Wish it was full moon."

"You might," Remus said from behind his book. "We've still got Transfiguration; if you're bored you could test me. Here..." and he held out his book.

But Sirius snorted. He had read all there was to read about their entire program and thought he might spontaneously combust if he was asked to open one more book. And Remus, once more, was not helping.

"I don't need to look at this rubbish. I know it all."

Remus raised an eyebrow and put the book back down on his lap, burying his nose in it and deciding that Sirius' bad mood was not his problem. He had worried about him enough for a year, he thought.

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," James said quietly. "Look who it is..."

Sirius' head turned. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit. "Excellent," he said softly. "Snivellus."

Without moving his book, Remus looked up and frowned.

* * *

After their respite was cut short by the incident that followed, Remus stormed back inside the castle and almost ran all the way to their dormitory, the other three boys running after him. When he reached his bed, he was red in the face and out of breath, but at least they had not caught up with him.

"What on earth was--"

Sirius did not finish his sentence and all fell silent when Remus threw his book on the floor.

"I can't believe how immature you two are!" he shouted, the flush spreading to his forehead.

It was so unusual for Remus to get so worked up that the culprits did not even try to pretend they did not know what he was talking about. Peter gaped and carefully stepped towards his bed.

"You saw what he did to me!" James protested after a while, pointing at his cheek.

"You attacked him first!"

"He drew his wand as soon as he saw us!"

"Because you provoked him!" Remus exploded. Then he turned to Sirius. "And you! I bet you think you're so clever, don't you, firing insults like that?"

Sirius was too taken aback by Remus' outburst to defend himself the way James was. What he could see in Remus' eyes reminded him of the night the other boy had threatened him with his wand. It was hatred; real hatred. And disdain.

"Why are you shouting at us like that?" James asked after a few seconds. "I don't remember you and Snivellus being the best of mates..."

"Because you have no respect for anyone! Either of you! You think you rule this place and everyone has to grovel at your feet. Newsflash: that's not the way things work!" He paused for a couple of seconds to try to catch his breath again. "Besides, I'm a prefect. And it should be my duty to report you, but I won't because you're my friends and so you're putting me in a difficult position!"

All four boys fell silent. Neither James nor Sirius dared to move, lest they should unleash Remus' wrath again.

"I'm disappointed," he said at length, sounding a lot calmer than before. But his fists were clenched so tight that his knuckles had turned white. "Very disappointed. I thought you'd grown up after all, but I was wrong. I think I'm mostly disappointed in you, Sirius..."

The other boy looked up, frowned and finally managed to come out of his trance. "He put him upside-down!"

"I'm not talking about that... Severus didn't do anything to you today. He was minding his own business, trying to blend in. He didn't want to cause any trouble," he said slowly, walking towards Sirius until they were face to face. "Doesn't that remind you of somebody else, uh? Shy, quiet and wanting nothing more than not to draw anyone's attention?"

Sirius gasped. "You're nothing like him!"

"And what if my nose and hair were different? What if you hadn't liked the look of me when we met? Would you have taunted me the way you do with him?" He turned to James. "Would you have hung me upside-down in the air?"

Sirius clenched his fists and started breathing loudly. It was one thing to have Remus shouting at you, but it was another one to have him humiliate you in front of your friends. And Sirius was too proud for that.

"I don't have to take any of that!" he said between gritted teeth, grabbing his broomstick and storming out of the room before James had time to stop him.

He headed straight for the Quidditch pitch, hoping there would not be anyone there. There had better not be, because he was in an extremely foul mood and would not be held responsible for any rash action. He did not train; he did not need to now that the Quidditch season was over. He just flew. Slow, fast, high, low; anything that would take his mind off what had just happened. But nothing he could think of seemed to work and he could feel the rage building up inside, but he could not think of any way to release it.

"Dammit!" he shouted, realising that he was just going round in circles, in more ways than one.

He headed to the top of the Gryffindor stands, got off his broom and sat down on one of the benches, resting his back against the edge. He brought his knees close to his chest and hid his face in his hands with a loud grunt. He could not say how long he stayed there for, but the light had changed when he looked up again, announcing the evening. He would have to go for dinner soon, he though gloomily, looking down at the pitch. He did not want to go to dinner or even back to the castle. He did not want to face Remus again.

Then he noticed someone standing by the Gryffindor changing rooms and winced. He was too far to tell who it could be so he jumped on his broom and flew lower. Once he was close enough to make the person out, he stopped short and swallowed hard.

It was Remus.

Sirius hovered where he was for a few seconds, until Remus started walking towards him, looking down at his feet. He mustered the courage to fly towards him and made his broomstick hover close to the ground. Remus stopped in front of him and he said nothing. The wind blew and it seemed as though everything around them fell silent, waiting for something to happen. Remus nervously removed a lock that stuck to his sweaty forehead.

"Sirius, I'm sorry..."

Seeing how the other boy was not going to move or speak, he walked up to him and placed a hand on his broomstick.

"I'm truly sorry I exploded like that. Please forgive me..." he said, sending his friend imploring looks. "I...I don't know what happened back there. I couldn't hold it back. I tried to, I did, but it turned into something personal and I couldn't help it."

Sirius looked away, a frown set deeply upon his brow.

"Sirius, please..."

"What you said hurt," Sirius whispered before facing his friend again. "Is that what you think of me then? That I'm an arrogant bully, and nothing else?"

"That's not what I meant," Remus said, biting his bottom lip.

Sirius got off his broom. "But that's what you said."

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It wasn't only that, I suppose. There's the stress of the exams, the coming full moon and--"

"And me."

"No! Don't say it like that."

There was another uncomfortable pause.

"Look, it's very hot and I need a shower before dinner..."

He knew that even though he really needed to have a shower, his main objective there was to escape the conversation. So much for wanting to resolve conflicts quickly... But this was not something he had started. He was hurt in his pride and ill-at-ease, and he just wanted to get away from Remus.

"Sure," the latter replied, looking down again.

"I'll see you in the Hall..."

On the way to the showers, Sirius left his usual trail behind him: broom, cloak, jumper, pads and boots, T-shirt, trousers. He took the rest of his clothes off in the cubicle and tossed them on the floor in the middle of the shower room. Doing his best to stop his hands from shaking, he turned the water on and let out a sigh when it ran down his skin. It was not going to solve his problems, but hopefully it would help him relaxed a little.

He went rigid and turned the water off as quickly as possible when he heard footsteps.

"Don't worry, it's only me," he heard Remus say. "It's too hot outside and I just wanted some water on my face."

So he was still there.

Sirius bit his bottom lip and rested his head against the cold tiles. All he had here was his underpants, socks and a towel... All his clothes were in the changing room, where Remus was probably standing now, looking at them discarded carelessly on the floor. But what was he doing here? Sirius thought he'd been clear enough about not wanting to talk about it. Maybe Remus was paying him back for when he had been forced to talk...

He got out of the shower, wrapped up in his towel, ran to grab his underpants and rushed back to his cubicle to put them on. This was ridiculous; Sirius Black was known not to be ashamed of nudity, and there he was, hiding like a girl! He slowly crept out of the shower room, craning his neck to see whether Remus was still there. And his stomach lurched when he saw him standing at the other end of the room. He was looking at the memorabilia displayed on the wall, his hands hooked behind his back. After taking a deep breath, Sirius stepped into the room and was surprised to see his clothes put in a rather neat pile on a bench.

He went for the T-shirt first, which was--logically--placed on the top of the pile. Removing the towel from his waist and jumping into his trousers took a lot longer than he wanted it to, mainly because he was so nervous that he had to do everything twice. He then sat down to put his socks and shoes back on, and that took too much time as well. He was dearly hoping that Remus was not staring at him from the end of the room, because if that was the case, he must have been having a good laugh. Sirius stood up and let out a loud sigh of frustration when he tried to do up his tie for the third time.

When he heard Remus walking back towards him, his heart skipped a beat and his whole body tensed up once more.

"Do you want a hand with that?"

"N--OK..." Sirius mumbled, feeling Remus standing behind him.

Not knowing what made him do it, Sirius turned around and faced his friend, looking up, barely daring to breathe. Remus' slender and agile fingers fastened the tie in no time, and it was over before Sirius knew it. But before Remus stepped away again, he grabbed him by the wrists, the way he had done before. And suddenly, it was the library scene all over again, both boys staring into each other's eyes and scarcely daring to make a noise.

"Remus," Sirius said very softly, "Why did you come here? I need to know... I mean, I want the real reason..."

"I just...I--" He paused and stared into Sirius' eyes. It seemed incredible that the awkwardness they had both felt until then could be solved by a simple look and a silent understanding. "I wanted to apologise to you..."

"You already have," Sirius replied, shrugging slightly. "It's OK..."

"No; not about that. I mean, of course I'm still really sorry about the way I shouted and the things I said...but there's something else I must apologise for."

His grip on Sirius' hands tightened and he entwined his fingers with the other boy's. Sirius looked down at their hands locked together for a few seconds and then stared into Remus' eyes again, frowning.

"I...I've been stupid. I know you didn't mean anything bad and I shouldn't have--"

"If this isn't about what happened this afternoon, than what are you talking about?"

Remus' jaw tensed up and he took a deep breath. "I don't want to be alone forever, Sirius... You were right. But I just--I don't know how it would ever be possible. I mean, who would want to be with a werewolf? Who wouldn't desert me upon learning my secret?"

Sirius tried to let go of his hands and speak, but Remus silenced him.

"Unless--You're right, I must learn to put my guards down and let go. But I'm so scared because that's what's kept me safe until now. But I want to; I have to if I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my life. And I...I can't help thinking that...who better than someone I'm already close to? Someone who knows me; someone I trust more than anybody else despite his many flaws..."

He smiled shyly and before Sirius knew it, Remus had crossed the few inches that separated them. His eyes locked on Sirius' at all time and his breathing sounding considerably faster than usual, he slowly craned his neck until his lips touched Sirius' and could not hold back a soft moan. Sirius did not move a muscle, convinced that if he did, he would wake up and find himself at the top of the stands, because, really, it could only be a dream... When Remus' lips left his, he kept his eyes shut, waiting for the moment when the horrible truth would suddenly hit him in the face. But that moment never came, and when he opened his eyes again, Remus was smiling.

"You're still here..." the latter whispered.

"Did you really expect me to disappear like that?" Sirius asked with a small grin.

"I don't really know. I suppose I was expecting something...wrong to happen."

Shyly, Remus kissed him again, before cupping one of his cheeks and nesting his face in the other boy's neck. He closed his eyes, taking Sirius' scent in with several long, deep breaths. He had hugged him a few times before--after a particularly close victory at Quidditch, for instance--but what he had experienced then was absolutely nothing compared to the feelings that were now overcoming him. Back then it had been more about patting each other's back; this was all about slow caresses, and getting to know the other's body. At length, he stood up straight again and left one last kiss on Sirius' lips before reluctantly taking a step back.

"We should probably go for dinner," he breathed softly.

"You're right, but let me do one thing first."

"Do wh--"

Gently, Sirius' hands framed Remus' face and kissed he him back, more intensely, reminding him of that time in the dormitory when he had been so adamant to push him away. Such a thought could hardly have been further away from his mind now and he grabbed Sirius' waist with both hands. The kiss lasted for slightly longer than when Remus' had initiated them but it was so soft and gentle that he could not bring himself to break it. By the time it was it was over, he had the feeling his entire body was about to melt.

Sirius let go of his face, grinned genuinely for the first time in weeks, stuffed his Quidditch clothes in a bag, grabbed his broomstick and made his way towards the door, closely followed by Remus. They walked in silence until the castle came into view, at which point Sirius sighed.

"I'm sorry about what we did this afternoon."

Remus looked at him with a smile, raising an eyebrow. "No you're not!"

"I am! Although you have to agree that our reflexes and hexes were impressive!" When he saw the look on Remus' face, he swallowed hard. "Then again, maybe not... OK, I'm not so sorry about teaching Snivel--teaching him a lesson, but I'm sorry it upset you so much. I understand now that it wasn't so much about Sni--about him, but the principles..."

Remus' smile grew wider. "You're not so stupid when you make an effort."

When they started getting within reasonable distance of the castle, he slowed down.

"Look, there's something I have to tell you..." he said, running a hand through his hair uneasily. "What with the end of the exams, the full moon next week, the end of the year and everything, I'm not too sure we should--"

"Don't worry," Sirius said, readjusting the broomstick on his shoulder. "I meant what I said last time in the dormitory. When you're feeling ready, I'll be there. I won't push or force you in any way. Just don't let me hanging there for years, OK?"

Remus chuckled. "It's a shame really," he muttered.

"What's a shame?"

"Well, you're such a nice person; you really are! But you and James always turn into real idiots when we're around other people. I wish you wouldn't. You think it makes you look so cool, but I must admit it does quite the contrary, and doesn't call for people's respect..."

Sirius bit his bottom lip and looked down. "Yeah, I suppose Evans wasn't too impressed, was she?"

"Not the least, no..."

"Hey, I'll tell you what! I promise never do anything to...him in a way that you might take personally."

"That's not going to leave you much..."

Sirius grinned again. "I'm full of surprises! Come on, now, I'm starving!"

They resumed their walk and entered the castle side by side, smiling.

The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time