The Space Between

~ CHAPTER THREE ~

THAT'S VERY WELL, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?

Days slowly went by, turning into weeks, and everything went back to normal between Sirius and Remus. James and Peter had somehow remained completely oblivious to everything that had happened, and the other two boys did not feel like saying anything. It was just between them; they had solved it without ruining their friendship and thought that it should be left there. They had silently agreed not to talk about what had happened anymore, be it the night in the Shack, the subsequent argument, or the evening they had finally worked things out.

Remus seemed to be doing much better ever since 'the talk'; as if an actual physical weight had been taken off his shoulders. He seemed a lot more cheerful, even around James and Peter. And when he was on his own with Sirius, it was just like old times.

Or maybe not...

Something had changed; something Sirius could not precisely point out. But it was not in a bad way. If the two of them had been close friends before, a new kind of complicity seemed to have found its place somewhere in their relationship. Much stronger than what was between Sirius and Peter, and radically different from what he had with James. Peter was a friend and James was a brother. But what was Remus now?

Sometimes, Sirius felt utterly confused. Yes, of course, it was fantastic to be friends again with Remus, and it was even better to know that maybe the events that night had brought them closer than before. But at times, somehow, it did not feel so right. As if it was too much or not enough. He knew what he had said about that night being a one-off, and he had thought about it for a very long time, but occasionally, it felt as though he was not even being honest with himself. He could lie--or at least not tell the whole truth--to Remus, but he could not lie to himself. No matter how many times he tried to hammer the fact that it-was-a-mistake-and-it-wouldn't-happen-again in his head, it still did not feel right.

So, after a while, he went back to pretending again. Pretending that everything was fine between him and Remus; pretending that one of his best friends had not suddenly become so important in his eyes that he cast a shadow over everybody else; pretending that his feelings for Remus were not changing into something he could not quite describe...

And, of course, the hardest part about it all was that Remus was being more loveable than ever towards him. If acting sometimes all flirty was his way of dealing with what had happened, then Sirius decided that it was a very strange one.

And he was not the only one who had noticed a change in Remus' behaviour. It seemed that James had finally taken his blinkers off.

"Sirius..." he asked one evening after Quidditch practice, while they made their way back to the castle, "have you noticed anything funny about Remus?"

"Why d'you ask me? How should I know?" Sirius said, unable to tone down his reaction.

"Well, I don't know... A couple of weeks ago he seemed so silent, and lately he's been...a lot more cheerful than I've ever seen him, I think."

"So?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. "You know how bad his last transformation went," he added much lower, "You should be glad that he's feeling upbeat again. I would have thought he'd be dreading the coming one."

James frowned. "Yeah, you're right. We're less than a week away now; he should be a bit twitchier, more aggressive..."

Sirius remained silent, looking down at his feet. James looked at the castle uncomfortably.

"But, er, you seem to...spend a lot of time together these days..." he said hesitantly.

Sirius' heart stopped and he looked at his best friend. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"That's what I'm asking you... I mean, are we OK, Sirius? Have I done anything wrong?" he asked, frowning.

Sirius stopped walking and let out a sigh of relief. "Of course we are!" he said with a grin. "You know very well that I'd tell you if there was anything wrong!"

"Sorry... It was pretty stupid, I know. I just thought that...maybe I'd been spending too much time chasing after Lily Evans in vain, and I'd been neglecting you. Maybe you wanted a new best friend or something."

"Now, that is very stupid, James Potter!" Sirius said, patting James' back. "Listen, even though I do think you're wasting your time chasing after her, there's a big difference between you and Remus, mate. Remus is a friend. You're my brother. You're more of a brother to me than Regulus ever will be, always remember that..."

James chuckled and blushed ever so slightly, looking down. "I'm sorry I doubted you." There was a pause. "Anyway, d'you reckon he's got a secret girlfriend then?" he then asked with a wink.

"I don't know!" Sirius replied, shrugging. "Maybe he does..." he added, turning his gaze towards Gryffindor Tower and wondering where Remus was at that instant.

That thought did not leave his mind all evening and he spent a dreadful night. Somehow, it had not crossed his mind that Remus could indeed be fine with what had happened; that he could have moved on in just a few weeks; that he might have a girlfriend. These days, for Sirius, all that mattered was Remus and he could not even remember the last girl he had planned to date, when there had been times when barely a week went by before he could be seen with a new girl at his side. He barely slept all night and his friends did not fail to notice it the following day.

Then it was the 'time of the month' again--as they now jokingly called it--and Sirius had never dreaded it that much in three years. He was afraid things might go wrong again; he was afraid James would leave him to handle it alone and screw things up; he was afraid to have to control the wolf and hurt Remus; he was afraid to fail his friend again.

Remus sensed it and took him apart in a corner of the Common Room in the evening, shortly before making his way to the Shrieking Shack.

"Sirius, stop worrying so much. You know what you have to do."

Of course he knew. He was not allowed to stay alone with the wolf again. But if James and Peter chickened out like the previous month, he knew he probably would not go back to the castle with them.

"As long as last month's events don't happen again, I'll be fine. Promise me you won't let it happen, Sirius."

Sirius bit his lip and looked down for a few seconds. "I promise," he mumbled, knowing very well that, even though he would try very hard not to, he might break that promise.

"When the first rays of moonlight touch me and the transformation starts," Remus added much lower, "I'll think about our friendship and how much it means to me..."

Sirius' chest heaved and he bit the inside of his cheek before smiling warily.

Of course, everything went smoothly that time. Padfoot's heart pounded frantically in his chest as he ran up the stairs to find the wolf. It was in one of the first rooms, curled up in a corner, and looked as though it had been waiting for him. Maybe Remus' idea had worked after all, but Padfoot did not run into the room the way he might have done before. Remembering the way the wolf had gone from playful to dangerous without him noticing, this time he was ready to run back at any moment if he needed to.

The wolf did not move, his yellow eyes locked on him at all time, and Padfoot did not know what to do. He remembered that he should not do anything that might provoke the wolf and cause him to attack, but what would a dog do?

Maybe I should have spent some time trying to research that instead of wasting so many days thinking about stupid things...

For lack of any better idea, he sat down by the door and waited. After a few seconds, the wolf slowly got up, sniffing, and made his way towards Padfoot. Every single muscle in the dog's body was tense, ready for escape. But when the wolf stopped a few feet away from him, sat down and let out a low and rather friendly growl, Padfoot relaxed and the dog equivalent of a sigh escaped his mouth. After remaining still for a few more seconds--just to make sure that the wolf was not going to suddenly snap and hit him--he got up and made his way down the corridor towards the stairs, the wolf on his tail.

They took it out of the Shack, into the Forest for a few hours and then back again. Even though Padfoot would have done it gladly, they did not stay the entire night and returned to the castle around three in the morning. The following day was a Friday and they had to sleep at least a few hours before the morning lessons. Without Remus, all three of them had to make efforts to take notes.

The following day, every time Poppy bowled over how few wounds Remus had compared to usual, the latter kept glancing at Sirius with sparkling eyes. Before they left the Hospital Wing, he caught Sirius' sleeve and kept him for a few extra seconds.

"It worked!" he said with an enormous grin.

"I know."

"How did it go? Be honest with me, Sirius."

"It went perfectly OK. I went in there and it didn't give me any trouble. I swear."

"I thought about you just before I transformed," Remus said sleepily, lying back against his pillows.

Sirius felt a warm sensation in his stomach that he did not remember experiencing before, and found himself voiceless.

"I'll have to do it again if it works..."

Sirius smiled and made his way towards the door, trying his best to ignore the way Remus' word were hammering in his head. The latter was allowed back in the dormitory after a couple of nights and everything went back to normal once more.

Days went by, and the only thought on Sirius' mind was that he was an excellent actor, for no one appeared to have noticed how weird he was feeling all the time. To him, it seemed that every single gesture or word betrayed what he was trying to bury deep down inside, and he could barely stand to look at his own reflection.

* * *

Even though June meant that the end of the year was drawing closer and closer, there was the significant detail of the OWLs they had to take before that. After two years of going nearly insane because of the way revisions were handled, Remus and Peter had decided to tutor James and Sirius. They had decided to form pairs, the condition being that James and Sirius would not be in the same one, of course. And Peter chose to be with James.

Although he knew perfectly well that it was just about revisions and he should not get too excited about it, Sirius preferred telling himself that maybe Fate had decided to become clement with him for once by allowing him to be paired with Remus. Revising the way he usually did with James meant spending your entire time doing something completely different, and then spending the last couple of days and nights in the Common Room trying to hammer as many facts as possibly into your brain--which, to be honest, never really worked.

Revising with Remus, on the other hand, involved hours spent in the library doing background reading. And even though it was far from being Sirius' favourite place in the castle--especially when the weather was so nice and he could be out on the Quidditch pitch--he did not mind. Because, if he was careful enough, he could stare at Remus at his leisure, while the other boy's nose was buried deep in a book. And there were also all the instances when Remus stood behind him and leaned over to point out or explain particular passages, sending terrible yet delicious shivers down his spine every single time.

And then the incident happened.

One day right after lunchtime, both boys were standing between two bookshelves, gathering as many books as they could to be put aside for them. Remus, a piece of parchment and a quill in his hands, was telling Sirius which books to pick, according to the list he had made; Sirius was merely obeying and putting them into a pile on the table. But after a while, Remus decided that Sirius was not fast enough so he walked over to the bookshelf and decided to lend him a helping hand. They reached for the same book and their hands bumped into each other. Blushing, Remus tried to move his away as swiftly as possible, but Sirius gently grabbed his wrist and lowered it to eye level.

How many times had he studied those hands from the distance? He knew every inch of skin, every line, every scar... Very slowly, he let his index finger run along a particular one that had caught his attention, which ran right across the veins. Remus' entire body tensed up and he closed his eyes, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip to stop himself from gasping. Meanwhile, the tip of Sirius' fingers went back and forth across his wrist.

"I had never noticed that one," he said very softly, examining it very intently. "Looks pretty bad."

"It always looks...worse than it is," Remus managed to whisper.

"Doesn't it impair your movements at all?"

"No."

Both boys looked up at the same time, golden-brown eyes drowning themselves in deep blue ones, or the other way round, depending from where you stood. Sirius was still holding on to Remus' wrist, and he slowly brought it closer his chest, holding the hand properly and not just the wrist, entwining his fingers with Remus' as if to make sure that he would not go away. He looked down into the two golden ponds fixed on him, and suddenly the world around him was just a big blur and did not matter anymore. There were no bookshelves, no students, no Madam Pince, even no Hogwarts. It was just him and Remus, alone in the world.

And then he knew. What he had been feeling for the past couple of weeks was not just a crazy phase. Because right now, something inside him was reacting to the way Remus was looking at him, his breathing somewhat louder than usual and lips slightly parted. And suddenly, those lips felt as tempting as they had that night. True, the circumstances were completely different, but he recognised the feeling. He fought the urge for a few seconds, remembering what trouble it had got him into last time. But then he could have sworn that he saw Remus' face moving ever so slightly towards his, and he felt Remus' fingers tightening around his. He took a deep breath and leaned forward an inch or two.

But Fate decided to break the magic before anything happened when someone dropped a book right on the other side of the shelf, making both boys jump. Sirius let go of Remus' hand. And the other boy returned to his list.

"I think we've got enough now. I'll ask Madame Pince to put them aside so we can collect them tonight. I'll...see you in a minute."

He grabbed the quill, parchments and books--even though there were slightly too many for him to carry on his own--and disappeared behind a bookshelf. Sirius wanted to run after him, but he knew better than to make a scene in the middle of the library, so he went back to get his bag and headed for next lesson. It seemed quite clear to him that Remus had not meant for him to wait for his return.

But by the time the evening came, Sirius could not bear it any longer. He could feel the old awkwardness slowly creeping up between them and he was determined not to let it settle there. When they went to the Great Hall for dinner and he noticed that Remus seemed to be avoiding his eyes again, he knew he had to act, and act quickly.

The perfect opportunity came along when James and Peter ran to the library for another few hours in order to use some books that they desperately needed but had been taken out for the day by other students. Sirius wondered why it was that he only seemed to be given perfect opportunities like that when he needed to have difficult talks with Remus, when he would have liked nothing more but an extra minute earlier on in the library.

Now that the other two boys had left, he needed to find some way to lure Remus upstairs and confront him, knowing the other boy most probably would want to avoid the subject to start with. He stared at the book in front of him, his eyes wandering over the words but not making them out at all. He frowned.

That was it. Of course, it was so simple!

He got up, grabbed the book and walked towards Remus, who was curled up in an armchair the way he liked to while reading.

He knelt down and smiled the way he would have done before all this happened. "Hey, there's a whole passage here I don't get, my notes are a real mess and it's way too noisy here. D'you think maybe we could go upstairs for a bit of peace and quiet?"

Remus eyed him rather suspiciously for a second. "You're still revising? Even I've stopped!"

Sirius swallowed hard and did his best to keep smiling. "What can I say; you've turned me into a hard-working student!"

Remus' eyes narrowed a bit more, as if he was trying to search into Sirius' what this unusual behaviour was about. "OK..." he said with a shrug.

Sirius ran to his table to grab his things and when he turned around again, he realised Remus had already gone. He made his way up the stairs, trying his best not to think about what he was about to do. The last time he had tried, it had not led him anywhere and he had been just as confused as before, so why should he bother?

When he pushed the door open with his foot and stepped into the dormitory, he noticed that Remus was standing by his bed, looking at the floor.

"Look, I really don't know what happened back there..." he said right away.

There was an awkward pause and when he looked up and saw Sirius staring at him with a raised eyebrow, he gasped. The other boy was carrying all his books and notes in his arms. Terror appeared on Remus' face.

"Oh...you hadn't brought me here to talk about that..." he said miserably, collapsing on his bed and holding his head in his hands.

The other boy stood in the middle of the dormitory, biting his lip. "Actually, I...I had... But I didn't think you'd want to."

"I'm so messed up," Remus moaned from behind his hands. "Those two months will be a blessing; I need time alone to think about everything that's happened lately."

Time away from me, Sirius thought with a lump in his throat.

"Remus, we need to talk about this. I don't want to let it get out of hand like last time. We've been through this before; we can do it again."

"I don't want it either, but I don't know what to say to make it better..."

Sirius put his books on his bed and went to sit by his friend--who, he noticed, moved away ever so slightly. He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, as if looking for inspiration. "I want you to tell me something. When we were in the library earlier on, did you...did you want to...kiss me?"

Even though he had been expecting that question, Remus' eyes widened in shock. "Why are you asking me this?"

"Don't think about it and just answer my question."

Remus shifted uncomfortably on the bed, his eyes now firmly locked on his hands. "I told you, I don't know what happened and I--"

"Remus, that's not what I asked. Did you, or did you not, want to kiss me back there?" Sirius asked as gently as possible.

Remus, who had been panting until then, gasped softly. "I did..." he breathed, his eyes moving upwards again and staring at Sirius, who did not fail to see the look of utter terror in them.

"Don't be scared," he said, holding out a hand slowly and placing it on the other boy's forearm. "It's alright."

Remus frowned and tried to move his arm away. "How can it be alright? Last month I screamed at you for what happened in the Shack, and now I--" He did not manage to finish his sentence and looked down again, sighing.

"It's all right because...I wanted it too..."

Remus gasped again and his eyes returned to Sirius' face to check whether he was joking or not. Surely, he had to, even if it was an extremely cruel and sick joke. But when he looked up, he did not see the usual grin on his friend's face. In fact, Sirius was probably looking more solemn than Remus had seen him in a long time.

"I can't help it," Sirius went on. "I think about it all the time. I try to remember what it feels like and all I can think about is the fact that I want to do it again. And now that my wildest dream has come true and that I know you want it too, I can't help thinking--"

Remus lifted a hand and stopped him. "I can't..."

Sirius frowned. "But you said--"

"I know what I said," Remus blurted out. "That doesn't mean I can."

He moved away from Sirius and went to rest his back against his pillow, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I don't understand..." Sirius said, slowly turning towards his friend. "Why not? You seem to want it, I know I do; how much simpler can it be?"

"Please, drop it," Remus whispered with a sigh, looking away.

But Sirius was determined not to drop the subject. He climbed on the bed and knelt in front of Remus, who was now trapped between Sirius and the headboard. He did try to move away, but Sirius caught him by the wrist.

"Tell me."

"There's nothing to tell."

"You're not making any sense, Remus. One minute you say you want to, and the next one you change your mind and get back in your little shell!" He said the last part louder than he had intended to.

Remus frowned. "What if I like it in my shell?"

Sirius paused and looked at the way his friend was curled up against the headboard. "Why won't you let me near you?"

"I can't..."

Sirius leaned over so that his face was only inches away from Remus'. The other boy gasped and tried to look away, but Sirius held his chin and forced him to keep his head in place. His golden eyes were wide open from sheer terror.

"Don't be afraid of me, Remus," he whispered.

"I'm...I'm not afraid of you..."

The frown on Sirius' face deepened.

"I must stay in control, always," Remus went on. "I told you before."

"What's that got to do with it?"

Sirius' face was so close to Remus' now that that other boy thought his heart might stop beating or burst any second now. In any case, he did not think he could go on like this for much longer.

"Control is...all I have," he managed to mumble. "And I can't guarantee control over someone else..."

But Sirius did not want to listen. Holding Remus' face where it was with his hand, he crossed the invisible barrier between them that Remus was trying so hard to defend and planted a soft kiss on his lips. Nothing much; not the best kiss ever. But then he did not want to do anything that would cause Remus to be even more frightened than he already was. He simply wanted to show him what it was all about; what it could be all about...

A moan escaped Remus' lips and he recoiled further against the headboard--if such a thing was indeed possible. A soft sob escaped his lips. "Don't do this to me, please... If you ever were my friend, Sirius, don't do this to me."

Sirius leaned over again, knowing very well that Remus would not actually physically resist. The kiss was a little more insistent this time and he knew his brain was not making things up when he felt Remus reply ever so slightly. But once again he put an end to it all too soon.

"I can't," he said, clearly pushing Sirius away this time.

The other boy did not oppose the gesture and sat back on the mattress. "You know I would never do anything to hurt you."

Remus sighed impatiently and rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to say it? It's not you or anyone else that I'm scared of! It's me!"

"What?"

Remus let out a groan this time. "Haven't you learnt by now? It's what I might do if I let go that terrifies me! I can't let go, Sirius. And I can't let anyone come close to me, because of what I am!"

Sirius was starting to lose his temper. "It's only a minor part of you! One night per month hardly qualifies as what you are!"

"It's there nonetheless and I must learn to deal with it."

"You can't be on your own forever."

"Werewolves lead lonely lives, everybody knows that," Remus whispered.

"But it doesn't have to be that way!"

"What other choice do I have?"

Sirius noticed with a lump in his throat that Remus' tone had gone from scared to resigned in a matter of seconds.

"You'll never know if you don't try."

"I can't. And there's nothing that can be done about it..."

Both boys fell silent for a few seconds. Remus was keeping his eyes firmly locked on his hands, while Sirius stared at him. He wished he could have known how to break the stupid shell Remus had built over the years, and show him that it did not have to be that way, no matter what he thought.

He shifted and threw his legs on the edge of the bed, ready to stand up. But before doing so, he turned towards Remus once last time. "One day," he said softly, placing a hand on the other boy's leg, "I hope you learn to let go. And when you finally do, I'll be there..."

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you