The Space Between

~ CHAPTER TWO ~

WHERE DO WE STAND NOW?

When the time came for Madam Pomfrey to collect Remus, he was asleep, and by then, Sirius was not so afraid of him dying anymore. But he did remain until the end, like he had said he would, changing back into Padfoot and hiding behind the sofa as soon as he heard her coming through the trap door. He only got out of the Shack once he was sure that she had gone back to the Hospital Wing. He had to fight hard against the urge to go to check on Remus immediately, and ran all the way up to Gryffindor Tower, using secret passages so no one would see him. It was not seven o'clock yet and everybody was still in bed, which allowed him to change back into himself at the very last moment. He whispered the password and jumped through the hole so quickly that the Fat Lady did not even have time to rub her eyes and see him. He ran to the bathroom, got out of his filthy clothes and took a long hot shower to soothe his sore body. He also tended to the few cuts and bruises before walking into the dormitory where Peter and James were still sleeping. He decided to get ready as if nothing had happened and made sure to open his bed and mess up the sheets.

When James woke up, he looked at his friend and ran a hand through his dishevelled hair. "What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep anymore."

"When did you come back? I didn't hear you."

"Er... Around two o'clock I think, because he...the wolf became a bit too nervous for me to handle on my own. You guys were sleeping like babies and didn't even stir."

"Oh, right... So, how did it go?"

"Fine, I told you!"

James suddenly sat up in his bed and frowned when he saw his best friend wincing as he stood up. Then it occurred to him that the other boy was doing his best to avoid the subject. "Sirius, you're hurt--"

"It went OK, James. It's nothing and it's not the first time it happened!" the latter said, sending him one of his dazzling smiles.

And honestly, what could James say to that?

They got dressed, had breakfast and ran to the Hospital Wing. Sirius could feel his heart doing tremendous summersaults in his chest. He was scared of facing Remus again, but eager at the same time, like always. Maybe more eager than usual, though. However, Madam Pomfrey did not let them in. She said Remus had had an extremely rough night and some of the wounds were very serious. She added that he was too weak and that they would only be allowed to see him one by one later on in the day, which only made the three boys even more depressed.

"I thought you said it went OK," James whispered, casting a suspicious look at his friend as they made their way back towards the Great Hall.

"It did... At least as long as I was there."

"Maybe it happened after you left," Peter ventured. "Was he quite violent towards you?"

"Not really..."

"But he hurt you," James insisted.

"I know he did," Sirius sighed. "But I got scratched before. No, it wasn't too bad."

"It must have made a difference when you left, and so he took it out on himself... I hope he's OK."

"So do I," said James.

I know what happened, Sirius thought, suddenly feeling extremely guilty. I know why the wounds are so bad. It's because I was there. When he sent me behind the sofa, I stopped being Padfoot while I was unconscious. I turned into a human again. And the wolf knew it. I'm sure he could sense me, smell me. And yet he did not manage to get to me. So it drove him crazy...

The three hours of lessons they had that morning turned into an awfully dull blur for Sirius. He could barely remember a single word the teachers said, even though he mechanically scribbled down a rather substantial amount of notes. He was feeling nauseous all day and barely ate at lunchtime. James swallowed his starter, main course, dessert and drink as quickly as he could, before rushing to the Hospital Wing. He was going first, then Peter would go next during a free period he had while the other two boys were in Divination, and Sirius would go straight after dinner.

Said dinner nearly came back up while he was waiting in the corridor for Madam Pomfrey to open the big double doors. He was so nervous that he thought for a second his legs might not support him, but he found the strength to walk all the way to Remus' bed. He soon realised that he did not have much to worry about. Like James and Peter had said, Remus was indeed extremely weak and said virtually nothing during the whole time he was there. Whether he remembered anything about the previous night or not, Sirius did not know, but it seemed as though he did not.

It took Remus five whole days before he was strong enough to leave the Hospital Wing, and he never mentioned anything when Sirius visited him, even when it as just the two of them. Life went back to normal when he joined the other three boys in Gryffindor Tower again. Well, it almost did... Although he tried to convince himself that he was imagining things, Sirius knew right away that Remus was not acting his usual way with him. He chatted and laughed with James and Peter, the way he always did, but he could not look Sirius in the eyes. Not once.

So he did remember...

More than once, Sirius tried to talk to him, but Remus was always too busy, he always had something else to do. And James always had things to do too, and for some reason they always had to involve Sirius. A week later, the situation had not improved at all. It was actually far worse because Remus was not even speaking to Sirius when the other two boys were not around. When they were all together, he acted normally, civilly. But whenever it was just the two of them, he immediately withdrew in his little shell, and there was nothing Sirius could do to reach him there.

One night, fed up of all this, Sirius knelt down in front of Remus in the Common Room, determined to get some things out of his chest.

"Remus?" he gently said, trying to pull the heavy book Remus had on his lap.

"I'm reading," Remus spat, slapping Sirius' fingers with the tip of his quill.

"Look, mate, there's something I want to talk about," Sirius added lower. "It won't take long, I promise."

"I've got to read this for tomorrow, Sirius."

"It'll be quick. You can come back to your book in a few minutes."

"Well I want to read this now," said Remus, removing the book from Sirius' grasp and shifting around on the armchair.

The latter sighed. Before he had time to say anything else, James came up to him and offered him a game of wizard chess. After glancing at Remus again and seeing that the boy obviously was not going to change his mind, Sirius let his shoulders drop and accepted. Sirius lost all three games they played because his attention was not focused on the game, but on the light-haired boy sitting by the fireplace, who was doing his best to avoid him.

"Sirius, what's wrong, mate? You've never lost three games in a row! Are you sure you're even looking at the board?"

"I've got things on my mind..."

"Like what? Planning which girl you're going to try next?" James asked, winking at Peter, who chuckled.

Sirius did not think it was funny. Not at all. As he looked away, towards the fireplace, he realised the armchair was now empty. He looked at the staircase just in time to see Remus disappear on his way up to their dormitory.

He got up and spoke so fast that he could barely remember his own words. "You know what, I don't feel like playing anymore tonight. I'd love to have a shower before going to bed, so why don't you play with Peter?"

"OK, whatever..."

Sirius ran across the room and up the stairs. He walked into the dormitory and locked the door behind him, adding a quick silencing charm, before proceeding towards Remus' bed. The latter was putting the book back in his trunk. He looked up at Sirius, then at the door and frowned.

"That was quick," Sirius said scornfully. "Didn't know you could read so fast."

Remus stood up and sighed. "What do you want?"

"I just want to talk to you, Remus..."

"I don't have time."

"You never have time anymore!" Sirius burst out, the silencing charm allowing him not to worry about the volume of his voice. "You're always too busy these days; always ignoring me; avoiding me as much as you can!"

Remus did not say anything. He did not need to. His eyes said it all.

"Ever since...that night," Sirius added.

"Don't!" the other boy interrupted. "I don't want to talk about it."

"But we have to! Because that's where the problem is, isn't it? I can't go on like this, Remus. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me. It's a miracle James and Peter haven't noticed anything yet. Please, whatever you have on your mind, tell me..."

Remus walked right up to him. His words were barely more than a whisper, even though he had guessed about the silencing charm, and his soft breath caressed Sirius' cheeks. "You know exactly what happened. You kissed me, Sirius. You got us into this mess, so don't come crying and pretending that I'm the one who started it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Remus did not reply once more and walked back to his bed to arrange Merlin-knows-what that was not in the exact position he wanted it to be. Anything so he would not have to stay face to face with Sirius.

"So what, now you're afraid to stay alone with me because you're afraid I might snog you again?" Sirius said, unable to keep his voice down.

"You never know..."

"Why are you saying this? How--How can you say this?"

Remus swiftly turned around again, cheeks flushed and fists clenched. "Well I've seen you in action, haven't I? What a perfect opportunity it was for you, Sirius! There I was, so hurt and weak that I couldn't even stay awake! All you had to do was hold me in your arms and do whatever you wanted to me." He paused and the look he sent Sirius was the darkest one the other boy had even seen in those golden eyes. "Which you did."

Sirius was taken aback. "That's how you see it? That I took advantage of you? Remus, wait, you can't--"

Remus was now walking towards the door. Sirius tried to stop him but found himself pressed against the wall a matter of seconds later, a wand pointed straight at his face.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, OK?" Remus said menacingly. "You've wasted enough of my time, Sirius. I have a lot of catching up to do with my homework, thanks to you."

"What?"

"Yes, Sirius, thanks to you. Thanks to your brilliant idea of staying alone in the Shack to look after me! Too bad you were no match for the wolf and had to pass out and then drive it crazy with your scent. You know that's why my wounds were so bad; I saw it in your eyes straightaway."

And with that he left Sirius against the wall, opened the door and went back down to the Common Room.

* * *

Sirius spent the next couple of days acting the way he had during the previous week: pretending. Pretending that everything was fine in front of James and Peter, and trying not to get too upset at the way Remus was avoiding him the rest of the time. He found himself practicing his Quidditch moves a lot more than usual, because the pitch was one place where he did not have to worry about being alone with Remus. He had tried every corner of the Common Room, Library and Great Hall, but they were places Remus went to as well. James and Peter had apparently not noticed anything yet, but Sirius did not know how long he could go on like this.

It was nearly seven o'clock and the sun had nearly set. The torrential rain had soaked him to the bones but he did not care. Anything to keep him outside, away from Remus. He only noticed James when the latter flew right next to him.

"Sirius!" he shouted against the wind, "Stop now, mate, you're crazy! I've searched the entire castle for you and I couldn't believe you were out here! Let's get back inside."

Reluctantly, Sirius followed his friend back into the changing rooms and put his uniform back on after having thoroughly dried himself. When he came out of the showers, he noticed that James had brought some provisions with him.

"What's that for?" he asked, carelessly running the towel through his hair.

"I thought we could have a chat. And anyway, it's pouring right now and I don't want to get too soaked. Plus, I brought my cloak so it doesn't really matter what time we get back..."

Sirius let out a long sigh and sat down on one of the benches.

"Come on, mate," James went on, offering him a bottle of pumpkin juice he had just opened, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

James chuckled and sat closer to his friend. "You know you can't fool me, Black."

"Shut up, Potter," Sirius replied with a smile. It was nice to smile again.

He fell silent after a few seconds and stared at the bottle of pumpkin juice in his hands. Remus loved pumpkin juice. And Sirius always thought about him when he drank some. Except that, right now, thinking about Remus was possibly the last thing he wanted to do.

"What is it, Sirius?" James insisted, looking increasingly worried. He hated to see his friend feeling down, and truth was that he had never seen him so down in all these years. "Anything to do with your family?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"OK, that's one thing out of the way. Er...trouble with school? Some teachers giving you a hard time?"

"No. School's fine. I've recently had some of my best grades," Sirius replied absentmindedly.

"Good for you."

"It's...something else," he finally confessed with a loud sigh, "but I really don't want to talk about it..."

"I see. Well since we've ruled out your parents as well as school, there's only one thing left." He paused for a few seconds and then asked with a raised eyebrow, "Anyone I know?"

"You could say that..." Sirius said with a bittersweet chuckle. "It's just a tricky situation and right now I can't see any way out of it," he added with a sigh.

"There's always a way out. Sooner or later. But if you allow me to suggest something, I'd say you should try to talk to that person. It always helps."

He winked at Sirius, and the latter could have sworn at that moment that his best friend knew everything. But he could not, it was not possible. Because for one thing, Sirius knew that he would have talked about it frankly and mentioned Remus' name. That was the good thing about being so close; they did not have to beat around the bush. But James did not know.

So, the following day, after much deliberation while in the shower after yet another solitary Quidditch practice, Sirius decided to follow James' advice and try to talk to Remus again.

The brown-haired boy was sitting in a rather empty corner of the Common Room, his nose buried in an old Potions book. Sirius knew he still had not managed to catch up with all the assignments they had been handed, and some teachers were showing no mercy. But tonight, Remus clearly was not as focused on writing his Potions essay as he should have been. He kept crossing out things he had just written, checking the same page three times in a row, scratching his head and sighing. More than once, he glanced over at Sirius, who was sat by the fireplace, discussing the coming match against Ravenclaw with James, but always withdrew his gaze after only a second.

Then Lily Evans climbed through the portrait hole and James suddenly abandoned Sirius without a warning, ready to show off once in the hope he might draw her attention. It was the same thing almost every evening... Except that Sirius was actually glad for once, because it gave him the perfect opportunity. Remus had just closed his books and was holding his head in his hands. Sirius knew this gesture very well. It was the one that meant Remus was stuck in whatever he was doing.

It was now or never.

He abandoned his seat--Peter, who was himself focusing hard on a Transfiguration assignment, did not notice--and walked towards Remus' table.

"Remus...?" he timidly asked.

"What?" the other boy sighed. But it was not an angry sigh; it was the characteristic sigh of frustration coming from a student who had had enough and had decided to give up on his essay for a while.

Sirius bent over the table so only Remus could hear his words. "Can we--can we talk? It won't take long, I promise. And we can go in the dormitory because James is busy with Evans and Peter's working on his Transfiguration assignment."

Remus stared at the fireplace for a few seconds, seemingly debating his friend's offer. Then he sighed, grabbing his quill and inkpot. "All right then, let's go."

He gathered his books and pieces of parchment and followed Sirius. He did not say anything as they climbed the spiral staircase, which it gave Sirius the opportunity to try to organise the thoughts in his head. However, when they reached the door to their dormitory, he was just as confused as before, possibly even more. He stepped into the room and let Remus walk over to his bed to put his books down while placing the same charms on the door. When the latter turned around and faced him again, Sirius was standing in the middle of the room, scratching his head in embarrassment.

Remus smiled sadly and sat down on his bed, his hands resting on his lap. He looked tired but he still smiled. "I know you well, Sirius Black. Now you want to talk to me because you want to put an end to this awkwardness between us, but you don't know what to say. Am I right?"

"You're not mad at me anymore?" Sirius said, surprised by the other boy's gentle tone.

"I'm...sorry for the way I reacted last time. I must have given you a real fright."

"Well, I was pretty surprised, yes. I never suspected you might raise your wand at me like that..."

"I wouldn't have done anything, you know that, right?"

"Yes, of course," Sirius answered awkwardly, taking a few steps towards Remus' bed but stopping halfway again.

"I just--I had to get away, I was angry. I'm sorry..."

Sirius finally worked up the courage to walk all the way to the bed and sit on it. "I'm sorry too, Remus." The two boys fell silent again and Sirius kept shifting uncomfortably on the bed until he decided to speak again. "D'you remember saying that...that I had...used you...?"

Remus simply nodded, looking down, and Sirius swallowed hard.

"You didn't really mean it, did you? I mean, come on, Remus, you can't really think I'd do that, can you?"

Remus slowly shook his head. "I'm confused, Sirius. What happened that night then? I...I always thought you fancied girls... How long has it been--"

"Wow, wow, wow! Hang on, what are you talking about?"

"You kissed me, Sirius," Remus said with an eyebrow raised.

The dark-haired boy got up again and started pacing the room, nervously running his hand through his hair. "I...I can't explain what happened, Remus. But you must understand one thing, he said hurriedly, facing his friend again. "I don't fancy guys, and it's not like I've had a secret crush on you for years, OK?"

"So what happened? Because I know I didn't imagine it..."

It was Sirius' turn not to reply this time. He stopped pacing, his eyes jumping back and forth between his friend's face and the floor. No matter how faint the scars were now, thanks to Madam Pomfrey's care and Remus' healing powers, in his mind he could still see the gashes on the forehead and the neck. He could still see Remus' blood all over his own hands and on the floor too.

All because of him.

He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. The mere memory of the state Remus had been in was too much. It had been a couple of weeks but it was still so horribly vivid in his mind... Every single night, he woke up in a sweat, and when he closed his eyes again it was as though the images were printed inside his eyelids.

Sirius was not used to the feelings that were overcoming him all at once. He was extremely uncomfortable a bit too hot, his hands were sweaty, his stomach kept lurching and his heartbeat seemed to be all over the place. Come to think of it, his throat felt a bit too tight, and there was also this weird stinging feeling in the corners of his eyes.

Oh, for Merlin's sake, you're not going to cry, on top of everything else!

No, of course he was not going to. He cleared his throat and did his best to clear his mind at the same time. There were things he needed to say; things he had to get out of his system. He had to explain everything, because, surely, then it would all make sense, wouldn't it?

Remus was still standing by his own bed, arms crossed, frowning, waiting for Sirius to get out of his trance. He was also feeling rather ill-at-ease but he relaxed a little when the other boy started pacing the room again. And he noticed Sirius was pacing rather frantically.

"I...I didn't know what to do; you were there on the floor, pale and cold, and there was so much blood... I was trying to do everything I could to keep you awake and warm, but nothing seemed to work. I couldn't let you fall asleep, because I knew you might never wake up. And I couldn't have that! D'you understand, Remus? I couldn't have that!"

He stopped walking again when he said so, turning towards Remus. He was now panting and seemed to have completely lost control of his emotions. And yet Remus could tell he was trying hard. But the tense jaw and shaky hands betrayed the brave front he as trying to pull to preserve his pride. Remus was no longer mad at Sirius, but even if it had still been the case, he could not have stood there doing nothing. Sirius was Mr Cool; he never got in such a state for anything.

Remus walked up to him and gently grasped both his arms. "Sirius, calm down," he said in a soothing tone.

But the other boy freed himself from his grasp and walked away, scratching his head uncomfortably once again. He could feel the tears coming up but there was no way he was going to cry in front of his friend. Maybe if he blinked as much as possible now that he had his back turned to Remus...

But Remus caught up with him and grabbed him firmly by the shoulder this time. Despite his own personal turmoil inside, he tried to compose himself and used a much more commanding tone than before. "Sirius, calm down! I'm fine now; look at me, I'm fine!"

Sirius had no choice but to face his friend. His eyes first fell on the pale scar that ran along Remus' neck and then the one on his forehead. But when Remus grabbed hold of his face to force Sirius to look him in the eyes, everything fell into place. The golden brown eyes showed him nothing but kindness, understanding and other emotions he had never seen in them before. Panting, he tried to fight the urge with all his might, keeping his clenched fists by his side and biting the inside of his cheeks as hard as he could, but it was eventually too much. And he knew Remus would not make fun of him. Without the slightest warning, he wrapped his arms around his friend and held him in a close embrace, his upper body shaken by violent sobs.

"There was...so much blood," he repeated, his words broken by his tears, "And I knew it was my fault. I didn't know what to do. And I was so afraid you were--" His voice died in his throat and he had to swallow hard before he could speak again. "I was so afraid you were going to die. I couldn't let you die, Remus..."

Remus' entire body went rigid when Sirius hugged him. That was possibly the last thing he was expecting from his friend. That and the tears, of course. He remained completely still for a few seconds, but it all ultimately got to him and his throat tightened when he felt Sirius's warm tears rolling down his own face.

Sirius Black crying, in his arms? It had to be a dream... This could not be true. Maybe he had finally fallen asleep on his Potions essay and he would just wake up to find his face stuck to his piece of parchment. Yes, that seemed a lot more likely than the present situation. But then, the grasp of Sirius' arms around his shoulders felt so real. Surely, even the most realistic dream could not feel like this. And anyway, why would he be dreaming about this? He never usually had dreams about anything to do with real life.

He did not say anything and slowly let his arms slide around Sirius' waist, burying his face in the other boy's neck for a few seconds, just to try and clear his mind. "Sirius," he said very slowly, his head still propped against Sirius' shoulder, "I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm sorry I ever was..." He swallowed hard and finally dared to look up, meeting a pair of deep blue eyes flooded with tears. He bit the inside of his cheek and looked away for a few seconds. "I...I was afraid you'd used me for some kind of sick experiment of yours. And I was mad at myself too, for being so weak back then that I couldn't stop you. With my condition, I must always be in control, do you understand? And if I lose this control, then I panic. I'm sorry, Sirius... Do you forgive me?"

"I did it because I thought I was losing you," Sirius said, cupping Remus' jaw with both hands. "I really thought you were going to die, right there, in my arms. So I...I kissed you goodbye..."

Remus, as hard as he had tried so far, did not manage to hold back his tears any longer. He freed himself from Sirius' hold and looked down, in an attempt to conceal his tears, or at least just a little bit.

When he spoke, his words came out slowly and almost carefully. "I kissed you back because I...I didn't want to die... I wanted to hang on to life, and you were the life around me. You were there for me and I...I was so cold, and weak, and hurt, and afraid. But it seemed as though life was coming back to me through...through your lips. I had to hang on; I didn't want to go..."

Sirius silenced him by holding him close again and running his hand through the dirty-blond hair. They remained in this tight embrace for maybe a minute, letting tears roll down their cheeks and silently comforting each other. Once the sobs had finally stopped, they broke apart as if from a common unspoken accord, although reluctantly. Remus wiped his face on his sleeve and Sirius turned around to do the same, thus preserving some of their dignity.

"Look at us," he said after a few seconds, "crying like a bunch of chicks!"

Remus chuckled, making sure once more that he had wiped away any trace of tears.

"Are we OK again, then?" Sirius then asked after a while.

"Yep, we are. It was just--"

"On the spur of the moment," Sirius finished, nodding, and Remus smiled.

"Please promise me one thing, Sirius. Don't let it happen again, OK? I mean...don't stay with me on your own. I don't want to go through this again..."

"It won't happen again," Sirius said with a reassuring smile. "It was just a one-off. We kissed and that's...that's it. Doesn't mean we're gay or anything!"

"Of course not!"

Both boys fell silent once more as their eyes moved down towards their shoes, and this time it was Remus' turn to run his hand through his hair in a slightly awkward way.

"Look I...I should run to the Library to find a better manual for that damn Potions essay. I'll...I'll see you later, OK?"

"Sure. And er, since it's my fault that you're so behind with everything, if you ever felt like copying what I've done, or at least having a look at it to get ideas--"

"I know. Thanks."

Remus turned around and took a step towards the door, but then stopped. He rushed back towards Sirius and held him close for a few seconds, murmuring a warm, "Thank you for everything, Sirius," in his ear. Then he grabbed his quill and inkpot, as well as a piece of parchment, and rushed out of the door.