Why Did You Leave Me?

Why Did You Leave Me?

I think I fell in love at sixteen. That year, my life changed, all because of you. The first time you kissed me I felt like heaven had found me. The first time you touched me all my inhibitions died. The first time we were together I wanted to stay with you in that locked embrace forever. The first time you left me I died a little. You said you'd never go. Yes, I fell in love with you at sixteen.

Sometimes I reach out to touch you still, see you glowing under the moonlight again and the passion is still so real it hurts. I can picture your face, your smile, your eyes. They still have that sparkle, when I see you.

I miss you. Every day there's something else reminding me of you. Hogwarts is a living hell. The walls whisper your name, and you sound like the wind. But at the same time, there is nowhere I'd rather be because, it was at Hogwarts that we came together.

It was a winter's night, and I was in the empty common room by the fire. I was dozing after spending hours writing a Transfiguration essay. The parchment was slipping out of my hand when you returned after Quidditch practice. You came over and kneeled, placing the parchment on the floor. I can remember looking at you through blurry eyes and you smiled up at me.

"You're pretty when you sleep," is all you said to me that night, the lines of your lips revealing a smirk. I never thought you'd make a move. I would have, but I was always so shy.

You'd sneak through the dorm late at night, whisk open my curtains and would stand next to my bed naked and lovely. I would ask you in, and close the curtains. We would make love as quietly as possible so that we wouldn't wake anyone up. That was always hard though. I'm sure they all knew though. Aren't you?

I'm sitting in the candlelight. It's dark outside. I can't see a moon tonight, only stars. You always loved 'only stars'. Remember our third date? It was late and you were tired but I took your hand, kissed each tanned finger softly and led you up to the Astronomy Tower. I had a late night picnic of all your favourite things. That was the night you told me you loved me.

I had lusted after you for years, but I never thought that we'd ever be together like that. Although we were close, we were so different. I was quiet. You were loud. I was the real danger, though people always thought it was you. Really, for me, you were safe. We mismatched each other perfectly.

You always kept me safe and warm.

There was a soft caring side to you that only a few of us ever saw. That's why I knew that you couldn't have done that to our friends. I knew you weren't guilty, but they took you away. They took away your sparkle. When you came back I saw that your eyes had dulled. You were still beautiful, my love, but you were haunted. I hated seeing you like that. How could they have done that to my heart?

When you left me the first time, my life fell apart. I couldn't turn to anyone. There was no one around who would understand. There was no one for me any more. Everyone I loved was snatched away. It took me years to get my life back on track, by thinking about you. It was so hard. I couldn't believe that you'd have betrayed me like that. That you could have betrayed James and Lily like that. I tried not to give in, but sometimes I found you guilty. I'm so sorry. I can't forgive myself for that sin. I still cry some nights.

Your skin was smooth and you tasted like cotton candy. I would trace the curves of your body with my tongue while the sun beat down on my back. Then you would stop me and smile, I can still picture that squinty grin, and pull me down onto you. We spent so many days lying in the grounds of the castle, tasting and licking and loving. I would give anything for those times again.

I told you I was in candlelight didn't I. Can you see me? I can feel you; I hope that you're here with me. I used to look for you. After you died, at first. I would sit in my room and look out. Any moving shadow would mean my heart missed a beat. I was sure it was you.

It took me a while to realise that you had died. You fell through the veil and I knew you had gone, I just knew it, but my soul still hopes. There is still an ache above my stomach that refuses to leave. I knew you had died, I even told Harry so. His eyes seemed to break. I knew but, I still don't really believe it in my heart. Your death seemed so wrong, you weren't meant to go. I'll get them for it. I swear I will. I didn't even have your body to mourn. Maybe you are still alive. I can go on dreaming for a while.

Yes, I know it might sound crazy, but sometimes I hear the door open, sometimes I hear you walk up behind me, sometimes I feel you slip your arms around my neck, and sometimes I feel your warm breath on my neck as you whisper into my ear.

"Moony?" you ask.

"Yes?"

"Do you know that I love you?"

"Yes," I laugh and turn to look at you. "I love you too Padfoot."

Why did you leave me?