That Kind of Girl

Lily Evans is not that kind of girl.

She never has been and she never will be. True, she's had her share of male attention, but she's not the kind of girl they think she is.

She's not the kind of girl who goes chasing after every boy she sees. She's not the kind of girl who steals another girl's boyfriend (that one incident in third year was most definitely not her fault). She's not the kind of girl who... well, you know.

Lily Evans doesn't care what they say. She doesn't care about the rumors, the stares. Her mother would just say that the whisperers are jealous, and her mother would be right. Of course, that doesn't make it hurt any less, but Lily Evans doesn't care, remember?

All she wants is to be left alone, just for a minute, just long enough to pretend that the world doesn't exist. But of course, that makes her feel selfish, and Lily Evans is not selfish.

Is it selfish to want some time of her very own? Is it selfish to want to be invisible for a day? Is it selfish to want that Potter boy to just stop asking her out for one bloody minute so she can have a moment's peace?

She shouldn't complain. She really shouldn't. How can she complain about being the most popular girl in Gryffindor? How can she complain about getting too much attention when she sees the envious looks of those girls who don't get any attention at all? How can she complain about anything in her life?

Lily Evans knows she's a fortunate girl. Her parents love her, her teachers adore her, and she rarely has a bad hair day. Her life is good. She shouldn't want what she can't have.

But she does.

She knows what they would say if they knew. She hears the imaginary accusations in her mind every time she sees him. She can't drown them out no matter how hard she tries.

Him? Are you serious?

Come on, Evans, what does he have that I don't?

What were you thinking? Surely you can do better than that.

Maybe she can do better, but maybe she doesn't want to.

Not that she has much of a choice. Honestly, even if she decided to ignore the whispers and stares, what would she say to him? Excuse me, I know I'm the most popular girl in school and you're practically a social reject, but let's throw caution to the wind? Hardly.

She knows she can't. She just can't. It doesn't work that way.

She's not the kind of girl who goes chasing after every boy she sees. She's not even the kind of girl who chases after the boy she wants.

To be quite honest, some days she doesn't even know why she wants him. It's not as though he's the kind of boy who would fit neatly into her life. It's not as though anything could ever come of it.

He's the kind of boy who can ignore the whispers, the stares. He's the kind of boy who can go through an entire day without even noticing the world around him. He's the kind of boy who will look directly into her eyes and not look away when the moment stretches too long.

He's the kind of boy she doesn't understand, but the kind of boy she envies.

She envies his toughness, his hard shell that protects him from the world. She envies his cool demeanor, the look that says he doesn't care. She even envies his courage to seemingly disregard the cruelties of life.

Lily Evans wishes she didn't care what they say. She wishes she didn't care every time he looks at her. She wishes she didn't care every time he sits next to her in Potions. She wishes she didn't care every time he accidentally brushes her hand. She wishes she didn't care, but she knows she does.

Lily Evans cares what they say, and she hates herself for it. Why can't she just go for what she wants? Why can't she just say the words and see what happens? Who are they to say what she can and cannot do? Who are they to dictate her every step?

Who are they? Nobody.

She won't let them tell her what to do. Not anymore. Lily Evans is her own person. Lily Evans does whatever she wants. Lily Evans doesn't care what they say.

Lily Evans is a failure.

He looks at her, eyes wide, mouth forming words but making no sound. Never mind, she tells him, wishing she hadn't said anything at all. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that she's just held out her heart and had it squashed. It doesn't matter that the one boy she was sure would understand is now staring at her like she's grown another head. Never mind.

She walks away, mentally berating herself for thinking that this was a good idea. How arrogant did it make her to think that the moment she told him how she felt, he would just fall at her feet? She should have known.

She walks away, trying valiantly to piece her heart back together.

He does it for her.

He insists that they keep it a secret, that no one knows they're together. She insists that she doesn't care what they say, but he doesn't want her to suffer like he has, doesn't want the jealous whispers to turn to disgust and loathing. He doesn't want her to hurt like he does.

But she does hurt. She hurts every time he is cut down, shamed. She hurts every time Potter and his stupid friends decide that a good hex will do the trick. She hurts every time he pulls away from her, hiding in his shell, pretending everything is fine.

She hurts when he calls her a Mudblood in front of everyone.

He didn't mean it, she tells herself. It was just an act. He didn't want everyone to know about us.

But in her heart she knows. She knows things will never be the same again. She's not the kind of girl who lives in denial. She won't force what's not there.

Lily Evans is the kind of girl who feels joy and pain with equal strength. She's the kind of girl who, once she loves, loves forever. She's the kind of girl who believes in happy endings but knows they don't come along very often. She's the kind of girl who will never forget Severus Snape.

Lily Evans is that kind of girl.