How To Be Good

Chapter 1: Drive Myself Sleepless

It's been two days since Draco kissed me in that empty classroom. It's been two days since he's spoken a word to me. And it's been two days since I've had a decent night's sleep. Apparently, I've got the will to drive myself sleepless. Although my body is protesting this vehemently, my mind is unrelenting.

As was normal for me, I had locked onto something and I could not give up. To me, this was like any other problem to solve. The trouble was I wasn't used to the 'problems' struggling against my best attempts.

It was a Monday night and I was spending another long night in my bed staring up at the canopy. Yup, another night spent tugging at my hair and biting my lip. If this kept up much longer not only would I probably collapse from exhaustion but also I was bound to be bald by the end of the term. My hair may be a bit wild at the best of times but I had no desire to lose it all.

Nothing was helping. My thoughts kept swirling in disorganized circles. This was so unlike me and not for the first time I found myself cursing him. Damn him! Damn Draco Malfoy for getting inside my head! This was much worse than a homework assignment because I couldn't turn to a book for answers. This was not a problem I could give to a teacher and then wash my hands of it.

In a fit of childishness I found myself kicking the mattress in frustration. I was quickly stilled when I heard Lavender or Parvati shift in their sleep. Oops. I might not have been able to sleep but I didn't want to wake up anyone else either. Except maybe Malfoy. It would serve him right for doing this to me.

With a sigh I got up and glanced at the clock. 3AM. That was almost time to get up. Breakfast would start in another four hours. I shook my head at that and made my way to the bathroom feeling rather groggy.

I stood under the hard spray of the shower long after I finished washing. If I was trying to rinse away my thoughts it didn't work. Finally, I stumbled out of the bathroom and got dressed in the dim moonlight. Grabbing my books, I headed down to the common room and picked a seat by the cold fireplace where I could study until breakfast.

That's where Harry found me three and a half hours later. I wasn't asleep really, but I sure wasn't studying either. I had been staring into the now brightly burning fire and it was a few minutes before I noticed him looking at me, his forehead creased with concern.

"Oh hi, Harry. I didn't notice you there. What time is it?"

Harry frowned. "That much was obvious, Hermione. I've been calling your name for the last five minutes. Your eyes were glazed over! And it's 7:30." He sat down and looked at me more closely. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied, "I just didn't get much sleep last night."

Well that part was mostly true anyway.

"You sure?" Harry asked worriedly. "Do you want to see Madam Pomfrey?"

I shook my head and forced a tired smile. "I'm fine," I repeated.

Harry looked like he wanted to say something more but I was spared by Ron choosing that moment to bounce down the stairs.

"Morning!" he said cheerfully. He paused when he got a closer look at me. "You alright, Mione? You look like you got dressed in the dark."

Well, that was Ron for you, tactless as always. However, given my current state, I did not react well to his observation.

"Yes, Ron, I did actually. How kind of you to notice!" I snapped sarcastically.

As I stormed out the portrait hole I heard Harry say, "Nice, Ron. Real nice."

I walked down to breakfast with the knowledge that I had over-reacted. It was bound to happen given the circumstances but that didn't make me feel any better about yelling at my best friend. I knew he didn't mean anything by it. Besides, I had got dressed in the dark. It was almost funny. Almost.

I got as far as the double doors leading into the Great Hall when I came to a dead stop. Malfoy was going to be in there. I hovered for a moment trying to decide what to do. My stomach was telling me to suck it up and go in but my mind was telling me to run for the hills. I had just decided to take cover in the library when I heard someone shout behind me.

"Hermione, wait!"

It was Harry and Ron. I turned to face them and let them catch up.

Ron looked embarrassed. "Look, Hermione, about what I said before - "

I cut him off. "I know you didn't mean it. I'm sorry I over-reacted."

He grinned at me. "Great! Let's eat then!"

I found myself being steered into the Great Hall. It looked like I was going to have to see Malfoy after all.

~*~*~*~

As it turned out, I needn't have worried. Malfoy wasn't in the Great Hall that morning. In fact, I didn't see him until Care of Magical Creatures that afternoon. The first half of my day was pretty mellow, although my mind was riddled with thoughts of Draco Malfoy. Because of this I had trouble concentrating on the lectures in Transfiguration and Defense Against The Dark Arts. While this was unusual for me, it was no less that I expected given my behavior the past few days. The severe lack of sleep was not helping either.

That afternoon, I walked down to Hagrid's hut with heavy feet and an even heavier heart. We always had this class with the Slytherins and I knew that while I had managed to avoid Malfoy so far, it would be impossible to do so now. He had spent that last couple of days ignoring me and I had no reason to believe today would be any different. That is exactly what I was dreading. I hated that he was trying to pretend that nothing had happened. He just had to make this harder for me.

When I reached the rest of the class clustered around a paddock, my gaze zeroed in on him. He was standing right in the middle of the Slytherins, laughing cruelly about something. My heart burned in my chest and I felt a surge of anger rush through me. I couldn't stand this messing around anymore. If I ever wanted to get a decent night's sleep again I was going to have to get this settled once and for all. And, I realized with some resignation, the only way to do that was to talk to the bastard.

Hagrid's class passed in a fog. I didn't hear one word of the lecture and I didn't see the creatures he was talking about. Despite the number of times Harry and Ron nudged me I was unable to focus and their curious and worried looks did nothing to make me try.

Finally the class ended and I brushed off Harry and Ron with some excuse I don't even remember and sought out Malfoy. He was still in the midst of the Slytherins and I was not about to approach him like that. Fortunately, being a bookworm has its advantages, which I put to use by whispering a charm to untie his shoe. So much more subtle than the old bag ripping charm. As I had hoped, he stopped to retie his shoe (a Malfoy would never walk around with a loose shoelace!) and being Slytherins, they didn't wait for him.

I took a deep breath and approached him. It was now or never as far as I was concerned.

"Mal- Draco," I began remembering how he hated it when I called him Malfoy.

He turned to me with startled eyes but quickly covered his surprise with a cold look and an even colder voice.

"What do you want, Granger?" He squinted at me, as if trying to see me better. "You look like hell."

I frowned at him. "Oh, thanks! Honestly, you and Ron should form a tactless men support group!" I snapped, annoyed.

He scowled back at me. "Don't ever put me and Weasel in the same category."

I ignored him and moved on to the reason that I had wanted to talk to him in the first place. "We need to talk."

"We have nothing to talk about." The scowl did not leave his face.

"Oh yes we do!" I insisted. "You can't just pretend that nothing happened, Draco."

He glared at me. "I'm a Malfoy. I can do whatever I want."

He said this in a maddeningly superior tone and crossed his arms over his chest as if daring me to disagree. That was the last straw. The lack of sleep and his annoying habits finally got the better of me and I snapped.

"Ooh, you are such a git, Draco Malfoy!" I screamed clenching my fists and trying not to lash out at him.

I failed miserably.

My self-control broke and I reached out and shoved him in the chest as hard as I could. I had caught him by surprise and as a result he lost his balance and fell hard on his backside. He looked up at me in shock and if I hadn't been so angry I'm sure I would have laughed.

"I hate you!" I yelled and resisting the urge to kick him while he was down I stormed back up toward the castle.

~*~*~*~

I skipped dinner that night. In fact, I spent the entire evening locked up in my room. Despite all of Ron and Harry's attempts to coax me out I remained stubborn. I did not want to see anyone and I did not want to pretend like everything was fine. My whole body tensed just thinking about it.

I thought back on the afternoon and realized that my reaction was very similar to those I had before Draco kissed me. Why did he affect me so strongly? No one made me lose control like he did. Even before this new situation it was like that. In my third year I exploded at him over the Buckbeak incident. I had never hit anyone before that. Actually, I never hit anyone after that either. That is, until I hit him again.

It was during that night that I realized none of this was going to be as easy as I originally thought it would be. Draco Malfoy was one stubborn git that was true. However, I was also extremely stubborn and anyone who knew me could tell you that I never give up.

I would keep fighting this until I won or until I died. Obviously, since I am still alive to tell this story, that tells you one of two things. Either I won or I am still fighting. You will find out which in time. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

~*~*~*~

It was another sleepless night for me. It wasn't quite as unpleasant as the preceding nights but that was only because unlike those nights, this time I was not trying to fall asleep. I spent the majority of the night sitting in front of the empty fireplace writing out possible plans of action in my spiral bound Muggle notebook.

In all actuality it was not an easy task. Every idea I came up with seemed either clichéd or implausible or both. How did a girl go about something like this without sounding like something out of one of those Muggle teen magazines? It was a lot harder than I had thought.

Eventually, exhaustion got the better of me and I drifted off around 5am only to be woken up at 7:30 by Harry.

I looked at him through bleary eyes and he frowned at me.

"I hope this isn't going to become a habit of yours, Hermione," he said worriedly.

I forced a laugh and slapped his shoulder playfully. "Don't be silly, Harry. I've just been having some trouble sleeping. It's nothing to worry about."

He pinned me with those green eyes of his as if trying to see through my lies. "It doesn't seem that way to me," he murmured.

I ran my hand through my tangled hair, trying to reach some semblance of normality. I gave him a small smile and tried to reassure him. "Look Harry, I appreciate your concern but I'm fine. Really. It's nothing I can't handle myself."

Perhaps he detected the self-doubt in my voice but I didn't allow him to object or say anything further on the subject. I picked up my notebook and self-inking quill and headed upstairs to my dormitory to get ready for another day of classes. It was going to prove to be a very long day.