Awkward Silences

Awkward Silences

The light was leaking out of the sky at last; the sun dipped beneath the tree line and unrolled a glorious red-and-orange sunset, but although Remus Lupin had been starting at it for the last ten minutes it could have been lime green with polka dots for all he'd noticed. Finally he shook himself and turned away, only to find himself pacing his small flat nervously. From a corner, a small radio trickled out some light jazz. Usually Remus found it soothing: usually he'd be putting the kettle on before settling down with a cup of tea and the Daily Prophet. Little rituals, normal everyday things to do, but when you're a werewolf normal is a hard thing to come by.

Not tonight, though. Tonight he was expecting someone.

Remus had read the same line of the Prophet front-page story (another lurid masterpiece about the Department of Magical Sports and a rubberwear catalogue) at least a dozen times when there was a knock at the door. He'd scarcely had time to get to his feet when the knocking started again, sharp and urgent.

"Coming," he called, padding into the hall in his tatty slippers. He avoided the box of Dark Detectors (a little repair work for the Order that Hestia'd dropped off earlier), unchained the door and opened it.

The twilight picked out the shape of a man leaning on the doorjamb in a pose of utter bone-dead exhaustion. He shoved himself upright as the door opened, so that the light from the hall fell on his face: unshaven and thin, with long straggly dark hair falling over his shoulders and into dark grey eyes set deep in their sockets.

"Moony," Sirius said, his voice hoarse and tired.

Remus was shocked. He'd seen Sirius since his breakout from Azkhaban, that night in the Shrieking Shack - had it really been over a year? Nearly two? - and even then he'd been stunned at how prison had drained Sirius, reduced him to a faded copy of his loud and boisterous self . Even so, the change still had the power to horrify - and hurt. "Sirius. Come in."

Sirius stumbled over the threshold, yawning hugely. "Sorry, f'got to bring bottle, Moony. Been bit - busy."

For a second Remus feared that his old friend was serious, that the trauma of life on the run had unbalanced Sirius beyond recall, but then he heard the wheezy chuckle. Sirius always did have a deeply inappropriate sense of humour, even at school. He followed Sirius into the tiny kitchen.

"Did you get here all right? You weren't seen?" he asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Couple of close calls with the Control of Magical Animals gang, and some Muggle family's bloody Alsatian tried to chew my leg off, but pretty good apart from that."

Remus frowned. "A Muggle Alsatian? What did you - "

"Shouldn't feed him steak if they don't want a poor starving Animagus to pinch it." Sirius leaned back against the countertop, rubbing his eyes with a grubby hand.

"Are you hungry?" Remus asked, feeling a twinge of guilt that he wouldn't have remembered if Sirius hadn't mentioned food. Chances were good that Sirius hadn't eaten properly for months. He must be ravenous; he was so thin.

Sirius yawned, a huge jaw-cracking yawn, and blinked. "Nah, not really.

Just -" another yawn cut him off in mid-sentence. "So, what - "

The kettle whistled behind them, but Remus ignored it. "Look, I was going to show you where everything is, but you're dead on your feet and you probably know it anyway. I've made up a camp bed in the spare room, so I suggest you get some sleep. We can talk in the morning, there's no great hurry."

Sirius pushed off the counter top, swaying slightly, and didn't object as Remus caught his shoulder and steered him gently to the narrow little guest room beside his own. "Sounds good," he mumbled. "Y'always did have good ideas. Clever Moony."

He collapsed onto the fold-up camp bed without bothering to undress, causing it to creak and jangle alarmingly as if about to fold up and trap him inside. A moment later he levered his boots off, then rolled himself up into a ball of blankets. Remus went to look for another blanket, in case Sirius got cold in the night and needed it: by the time he returned there were soft snores issuing from the middle of the roll, where Sirius' long dark hair was just visible. He stood there for some time, how long he didn't know, watching the sleeping figure brushed with lamplight from the hall and moonlight from the window. Was any of this evening real? Sirius out of Azkhaban, an innocent man on the run, asleep here in Remus' spare room...

"Goodnight, Padfoot," he whispered. There was no reply, but he hadn't expected one. Remus left, closing the door quietly behind him.

Later that evening, Remus went through his usual bedtime routine and retired, but, unlike Sirius, sleep seemed determined to evade him at all costs. Instead the darkness turned into a Pensieve of flitting memories: their years at Hogwarts, all four of them together and inseparable; James stumbling into his and Sirius' flat bursting with glee to tell them Lily was having a baby; baby Harry, big eyed and bawling; the horrible night when Moody and Elphias showed up, white and shaken, to tell him that James and Lily's house lay in ruins and Sirius had gone missing...

Finally he drifted into a fractured slumber.

When Remus woke, it was still dark and he poked blearily at his clock, wondering what had woken him.

"The time is three - fifteen ay -emm," the clock muttered wearily.

Three-fifteen? Then -?

Suddenly Remus was wide-awake, his heart pounding. He could hear someone in the flat, talking, calling out. Sirius...

He spilled out of bed, stumbling over his discarded slippers. He could just about make out the words, now. They were slurred, almost mumbled.

"No... get away from me! Help me, Moony... please... no, no, no!"

Remus stumbled to the next room, tripping over his feet and bouncing painfully off the doorframe, dreading what he might see. He shoved open the door -

The room was dark, and there was nobody there except Sirius, still in bed, fast asleep.

No. Not fast asleep. Remus padded over to the small bed. The blankets had been tossed in all directions and lay twisted around the bed and around Sirius, who tossed and writhed, face locked into a mask of terror, flailing at invisible enemies made of empty air. His breathing was harsh and his face beaded with sweat, but his eyes remained closed; he was dreaming.

"Sirius?" Remus whispered. If Sirius heard, he gave no sign. His head smacked from side to side on the pillow and he groaned in his sleep, locked in some horrible world of his own imagining.

"No...no...t'wasn'me, t'was Peter, the bastard! He's alive...it wasn'me, wasn'me, wasn' me...get away from me! ..."

The words degenerated into a cry of fright. Remus stepped closer, concerned: Sirius' contortions were becoming more and more violent and he was clearly distressed.

"No, no, no...help... somebody, anybody, help me, please - aaaaargh!"

"Sirius! Sirius, wake up!" Remus said urgently, bending over Sirius, grasping his shoulder and recoiling as a flailing arm slapped his hand away. Sirius cried out again, a horrible despairing wail, feet scrabbling at the bed as if trying to escape from the nightmare bearing down on him. He flung his arms out, eyes springing open in naked terror, breathing in sobbing gasps, nearly demented from fear.

"No - no - Nooooo!"

The cry was so loud that it forced Remus into action. He dodged the thrashing limbs and caught Sirius by the shoulders.

"Sirius!"

His own scream had woken Sirius up: for a moment his face was confused and frightened, then sense returned to his eyes and the lids closed over them.

"It's me, Pads," Remus said quietly. "It's okay, you're at my place, remember? It was just a dream. Just a stupid dream. It's all right... you're safe...."

At first Sirius didn't react, but then Remus felt a hand gripping his arm, clinging to it like a frightened child. Without thinking, Remus bent over to gather Sirius in his arms, to soothe and reassure him. Sirius, however, didn't seem to like this idea: he shrugged crossly away, mumbling "M'okay, don't fuss..."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked, replacing the bedclothes and ignoring the sharp sting in his chest.

"M' all right," Sirius repeated stubbornly. "G' back to bed, Moony."

Remus released Sirius' shoulders, but he didn't go back to bed immediately. Instead, he watched Sirius sleep, alert for the slightest murmur or hint of a cry. However, although Sirius frowned and muttered in his sleep there were no more nightmares, and eventually Remus gave in to his exhausted aching body and drooping eyelids and went back to bed. This time, he was too tired not to sleep, and certainly too tired to brood over Sirius pushing him away.

It was late when Remus woke the next morning and the street outside was already alive with people about their normal business. By the time he had washed, dressed and sat down to breakfast (Not much of an effort - he never felt much like eating in the mornings) it was gone ten o clock. At half-past eleven, Sirius shambled in, yawning and dishevelled, to pounce into a chair at the kitchen table.

"Morning, " he said.

Remus inspected him. A shave, a bath and some clean clothes had removed some of the terrible haggardness, but Sirius was still very thin, particularly around the face, and the wary edginess was still there, just under the surface. "Tea?"

"Thanks."

The tea, of course, took its time to prepare - boiling the kettle, finding the tea-bags, milk and sugar, warming the teapot and leaving the tea to brew - and all the while, Sirius...did nothing. Remus remembered Sirius at school, completely unable to stay still for over a minute. He was equally hopeless at Not Talking to people, being such a chatterbox that he forgot almost immediately. So, Remus kept expecting Sirius to say something, laugh at his own continuing fascination with tea (Me and a cup of tea's your idea of a good time, huh Moony?) or some question about how everyone had been faring, but none came. Remus stole a glance at Sirius while he was hunting for mugs. Sirius was staring into space, eyes unfocused and faraway, lost in a world that Remus couldn't see. He shook himself mentally, poured two mugs of tea and carried them to the table.

"Here."

Sirius grunted his thanks: Remus put his own cup down and sat opposite Sirius, who blew on his tea and sipped.

"So." Grey eyes flicked up. "What's new?"

Almost too casual a question, when you considered the answer. Remus hesitated, then said, "It's hard to know where to start. Suppose you tell me what you know already, and I'll fill in the gaps for you."

Sirius shrugged. "Fair enough. Most of it, I think, thought it wouldn't surprise me if I was utterly wrong there." He put his mug down. "Okay. Let me see. Voldemort himself is back in human form, thanks to Peter the Bloody Imbecile Pettigrew" he spat the name out as if it burned him "and Crouch's kid is out of Azkhaban and on the loose, as crazed as ever. Amos Diggory's only child - nice touch there - Cedric was murdered, the Death Eaters have reconvened, Harry had to duel for his life and is shaken all to hell, the Ministry is running around like a gang of frightened old women and we are all, to put it nicely, in the deep cack." He gave Remus his best ironic look. "Did I get everything?"

Remus sighed, wearily. "More or less," he admitted.

"I notice that despite knowing that Pettigrew is still alive, the Ministry still hasn't got around to overturning my sentence for killing him," Sirius said. "Not that it'd make a whole lot of difference, given how I'm thought of in the Death Eaters, but it'd be nice."

"How do they know?" Remus asked. "Come to that, Sirius, how on earth do you know all that? It hasn't been in the Prophet, Fudge refused to let them publish anything about the outcome of the Triwizard. I only heard it because Dumbledore told me when he sent word he was recalling the Order."

"Harry told me. I was there after the Portkey brought him and Diggory's body back...Merlin, Moony, it was awful."

"It would be," Remus said.

Sirius swallowed. "Not just that. I wasn't that close to, you know? Everyone was trying to find out what was going on, Fudge was fussing around, trying to keep them back, and they knew something wasn't right so they were all starting to panic. All I heard was that one of the Hogwarts champions had been killed. And for a minute, I was sure it was Harry... It sounds awful, but when I heard it was Diggory I was so bloody relieved..."

"Maybe it is awful, but I can understand it," Remus said. "How was Harry? You saw him, I suppose?"

"Coping, barely," Sirius said. "Which is pretty good going, in the circumstances. He saw the whole lot: Diggory's murder, Voldemort's return - even had to duel against the evil son of a bitch! And just to really top it off, he's only just escaped with his life when Crouch Junior tries to kill him. It's a miracle the poor little sod's still sane. Must be Lily's genes. Tough, she was." Sirius' fist clenched impotently on the table. "And then he had to tell Dumbledore the whole story while he's still practically in shock. I've never seen him so upset."

"Where is he now?" Remus asked. "Harry, I mean. Has Molly got him staying with her?"

There was a bitter 'huh!' in reply. "He wishes. He's back with his bloody horrible aunt and uncle. Dumbledore insisted on it. Though why the hell he thinks that's going to do Harry any good I have not a clue. You know what they're like: you must've heard James complaining about them, and he never had to live with them." Sirius frowned, shaking his head. "It's a good thing he's got me and his friends to write to him, because they're not going to be any use. You think they're going to be there for him to talk things over and try to get over it? I don't think so."

"Well, they will," Remus conceded, "but Dumbledore's asked them to be careful what they say, in case the Ministry is intercepting owls. Nothing about Voldemort or what he's up to - "

"But he'll want to know! What're we going to do, just keep him in the dark?"

"It's the only way. Otherwise we may risk dragging Harry into the Ministry's smear campaign, and Merlin knows he's fragile enough at the moment."

"Typical," Sirius growled. "Used to be we only had to worry about the other side snooping on our mail." He frowned. "Merlin, we're cowards, aren't we? Trying not to get noticed by the Ministry, when all this year Harry's been finding every way he can to stay in contact with me and make sure I didn't miss anything important going on. That's without getting food for me, too. But here we are, afraid to risk it."

"It's not being cowardly, Sirius," Remus said "Just...prudent. I don't like it, but - it wouldn't be worth the trouble it would cause for Harry."

"I know. Doesn't mean I have to agree with it, though."

"No, of course not." Remus sipped his tea. The atmosphere in the kitchen was getting noticeably tense. He decided to change the subject, as Sirius was still scowling fiercely. "You must be hungry. Would you like some breakfast?"

"Yeah, why not. What've you got?" Sirius asked.

"Hmm. Eggs and bacon are in the pantry, and the bread is in the wooden bread bin by the saucepans. I'm afraid I don't have any co - bloody Merlin what the hell was that?"

'That' was a sharp thud, a loud clattering that sounded like the fire irons falling over, and a burst of furious swearing. Remus plonked the mug on the table and sprinted into the living room, drawing his wand en route. He found a supine figure, male and elderly, on the hearthrug, struggling to his feet.

What in the name of Rowena Ravenclaw's tits do you call this, Lupin?" The man bellowed, dusting himself off. A truly alarming face was turned towards Remus: badly scarred and with one magical glass eyes rolling in its socket. The owner was scowling ferociously, which didn't help at all. "Have you lost your marbles? A toddler with toothache could get past the wards on that fireplace, and that's being generous. Didn't you soup up your home defences when I said?"

"Are you all right, Moody?" Lupin asked, inspecting the mess by the fireplace. By the look of it, Moody had Flooed them and fallen over the woodpile.

"I'm fine. Now answer the damned question."

Remus shrugged. "I was going to, but then Dumbledore told me that Sirius was on his way and I had to get things ready, so - "

Moody raised one caterpillar eyebrow. "Sirius? Is that son of a bitch here?"

"Son of a pedigree bitch, I'll have you know," Sirius said, coming in from the kitchen with a loaded plate in his hand.

"So there you are. When are you going to get that damned hippogriff out of my garden?"

"What's wrong with him? You did a Concealment Charm on him, didn't you?" Sirius said, unconcerned.

"Pity I didn't Stun him at the same time. The bloody beast has decided it hates my garden - I keep coming in to find bits of hedge everywhere and claw marks all over the lawn. You just try hiding that lot," Moody groused. "The next-door-neighbours are giving me funny looks - and while I remember, their Kneazle's gone missing."

"Probably just went wandering off," Remus said, trying to divert the conversation. "My parents' one was exactly the same."

"'Scuse me, but wasn't that the one that you ate one full moon?" Moody asked. Remus blanched. He'd forgotten that Moody knew about that. "Anyway, Moody continued, "I came to see if there was anything I could help with."

"Soul of helpfulness, aren't you?" Sirius said, a ghost of a grin slanting across his face.

"Anything to stop that damn gargoyle crapping all over my shed," Moody growled. Lupin cut in before they could start up again.

"You heard about what happened at the Triwizard, of course," he said, before remembering that Moody had been locked in his own trunk for the best part of a year, and didn't care to be reminded.

"More or less. And now he's back. Bastard." Moody's growl became even more pronounced than usual. Order legend had it that Moody'd shared his year at Hogwarts with the young Tom Riddle, and he'd frequently remarked that if he'd known how it'd end, 'I'd've fed the evil little smug bastard to the Giant Squid and had it over with'. The whole Order fought Voldemort, but for Moody, it was personal. Riddle's many deceptions had slipped past him, and he took it as a personal insult on top of injury.

"Dumbledore's putting word out to all the old Order members. We're to re-form at once," Lupin continued.

"Good idea. So - who's that in total?"

"Hagrid - he'll know, Hestia, Molly and Arthur -"

"Me."

"Sirius, Elphias, Dung -"

"Assuming he hasn't fled the country, you know what he's like," Moody put in, searching his pockets for some spare parchment. "Anyone else?"

"Emmy Vance - I'll tell her, I'll see her tomorrow - and Aberforth, though I doubt you'll find him." Remus frowned. "I always felt rather uneasy about him, even in the old days. I don't think even Dumbledore knows what he gets up to half the time."

"Of course, after that business with the goat, he may not want to," Sirius put in. Remus rolled his eyes mentally. Trust Sirius to remember that, although he was secretly relieved to see a little of Sirius' old character asserting itself.

"Bloody silly, that. Know your enemy, that's what they always say," Moody said.

"We've got Sturgis, Tonks and Kingsley in the Ministry, too," Remus remembered. "If Fudge's behaviour is anything to go by, he's not going to make it easy on us at all. He's refusing to accept that Voldemort is back; anyone who says different is accused of scaremongering and trying to undermine him."

" Idiot," Moody said. "He's getting more paranoid than they say I am. You know why, don't you?"

"Dumbledore," Sirius said.

"Right. He thinks Dumbledore is trying to take his job from him."

Remus shook his head. "As if Dumbledore ever would."

Moody grinned, an oddly feral expression showing large uneven teeth. "Bit of an inferiority complex there, wouldn't you say? Hah, he's not up to that job at a time like this, and he knows it."

"There's not many of us, is there?" Remus said quietly.

"Hell of a lot more than Voldemort intended to leave of us," Moody grunted. "And this time we've got the jump on the bastard, for what it's worth."

"Where's the Order basing itself?" Sirius asked, munching on a sausage and balancing his plate in the other hand.

"No idea. Nobody's said anything about it yet."

"Only if you wanted to, you could use my parents' house, 12 Grimmauld Place - well, legally it's my house, but I never set foot in it. Someone might as well get some use out of it," Sirius offered. "You'd have to clean it up to make it habitable, but as far as I know the place is sound."

"Secure?" Moody demanded.

"Unplottable. And I doubt you'll find an Anti-Burglar Jinx my father didn't put on it."

"Damn good idea, that. I'll check on it. I'd better be going in any case, I want to catch Elphias in."

"Something to eat before you go, Moody?" Remus asked.

"Nah, better not...although maybe - " With snakebite speed he plucked a sausage from Sirius' plate, and, while Sirius was still gawping in disbelief, said "Ta," hurled a handful of Floo powder into the fireplace and was gone.

"Bugger!" Sirius spluttered.

Remus couldn't help smiling.

Within hours, the replies started coming in. Order members arrived every hour or so: Tonks arrived on her lunch break, and managed to ferret out Sirius, who had become irritable at the continual flow of people, had transformed and gone to hide under the camp bed; Mundungus showed up, filling the whole flat with the smoke from his vile old pipe and making Remus feel positively sick, and dozens of owls tapped politely on the windows, requesting and then demanding entry at intervals. The answers all started out roughly the same - yes, they'd got his message, so what was the plan of action? And then came the questions: where was Dumbledore? Did anyone know where You-Know-Who was now? How was Sirius? Was Harry safe at his relatives, seeing as You-Know-Who was at large?... Even with Sirius roped in to help him, by the end of the day Remus was far too tired to do anything but have a very late supper and stagger off to bed. The next day it carried on. Arthur brought some news from the Ministry, pausing to gravely inform Sirius that they had not yet had any further leads concerning his whereabouts, although there had been a possible sighting of him in Egypt last week. (To which Sirius replied, "Arthur, mate, if I find out where I am, I'll let you know.")Dumbledore sent a grateful thank you owl to Sirius for allowing the Order to base itself in Grimmauld Place, and Moody returned to strengthen the defensive spells on the fireplace...

And so it went on. Three days later, there was still no sign of it slowing. Had the Order of the Phoenix always been so busy, Remus wondered, or had he just never noticed it before? Thirteen-odd years ago he hadn't been so exhausted, he was sure, but at the moment that wasn't his overriding concern. Sirius was still - withdrawn. Quiet. Far too quiet, for Sirius. The continual stream of visitors was starting to tell on him: he got that hunted, frayed look and made an excuse to slip out of the room. Worse, the nightmares were just as severe as before. Several times a night Remus had been woken by Sirius' slurred wails, and every time it happened Sirius shrugged off a comforting arm and there was nothing Remus could do for him. Last night, his old friend had slipped outside as Padfoot, and Remus had only found out about it in the morning, when he unbolted the back door to see a bloody pile of dead rats. He shuddered. That had to have been Padfoot, hunting the rat he knew he couldn't get his teeth on. Remus loved Sirius, had done for years, but sometimes the man's intensity - of love or hate - alarmed him, just a little.

Three days turned into four, then five, and Remus still hadn't had time for anything but Order business, though he so wanted - no, needed - to talk to Sirius, even if he didn't know what to say that would break the awkward feeling between them. But there was never a good time, never a minute free of owls and Floos that he could sit down with Sirius and try to put words to his feelings. Sirius himself seemed unusually restless: Remus couldn't help wondering if Sirius could sense that awkward conversation looming and wasn't sure what to say either.

What's happened to us? It used to be that we hardly had to say a word to know exactly what the other meant. We used to drive James mad by finishing off each other's sentences, or catching each other's eye and bursting out laughing. I could look at Sirius and just know what he was thinking and feeling. Will I ever be able to do that again?

In fact, the only blessing Remus could see was that full moon wasn't for another two weeks. He'd missed having Padfoot there during his monthly changes so much: it was still agony, but having someone there, someone who cared about you and looked after you...it helped.

Remus was still stuck in an uncomfortable state of limbo the next day, when Moody arrived with Kingsley Shacklebolt to talk to Sirius about the use of Grimmauld Place. Moody was having doubts about its suitability, fearing booby-traps and concealed curses, while Kingsley reported that there were problems with several of the rooms, not to mention the vindictive old house-elf that had apparently been living there alone since Sirius' parents had died. For once Sirius was interested and quite talkative, and he quickly became involved in a conversation with Moody about the security hexes he remembered being placed on the house.

"There was definitely something near the gate. It might have been a Reticula Jinx, or even a Barathrine," Sirius mused.

"Barathrine?" Moody frowned. "That's not a Bottomless Pit, is it? Oh hell, how are we meant to get around that?"

"Moony, don't you have a book on illegal security spells?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, but I'm not sure where it is. I'll go and look."

Relieved, and allowing himself a spark of optimism, Remus got up and headed off to the spare room to hunt through his boxes of Defence books. Merlin, how had he ended up with so many of them? Or had some of the more creepily animated ones just started breeding? Horrible thought. Remus had barely finished searching the first box when he heard a cheerful yell of "Wotcher, fellas!" Tonks, obviously, taking a break to see her cousin-and-a-half, as she fondly called Sirius. There were a few noisy greetings, then the voices settled down.

Damn, it had to be here somewhere, he'd seen it last week, so where -? Ah, that was it. The bureau. He'd moved that pile up there when he was setting up the bed for Sirius. He picked the heavy tome out from the stack and dropped it on the bed while he piled the other books back into their boxes: cursed with a tidy nature, Remus often wondered how he'd managed to live with chaotic, untidy Sirius without strangling him. It had been part of his charm. A little nostalgic smile touched Remus' face at the memories. Sirius used to stretch himself out in his favourite chair every Sunday afternoon, that day's Daily Prophet shedding pages all over the floor, feet propped on a pile of books and hair meandering across his face while he attacked the crossword. "Oy, Moony! Ten across, five letters, the magic in your smile. Any id - "

Without warning Remus' reminiscences were splintered by the sound of raised voices. He started and scrambled to his feet, only just remembering the book on the bed.

Was that Sirius yelling?

"Don't tell me to bloody well calm down, Moody!"

It was Sirius, and he sounded absolutely fit to be tied. Remus hurried back, entering the sitting room to find all four of the current occupants on their feet and Sirius about to walk into him. He hadn't been far wrong about Sirius' mood, either; the outraged snarl on Sirius' face would have frightened Buckbeak into a corner.

"What's going on?" Remus asked. Sirius didn't reply, shooting Remus a glare before he spun away to continue his furious pacing.

"Remus, could you help us here?" Moody petitioned him. "It's only for his safety, but - "

"Safety be damned! What about my sanity? Do you have any idea how much I hate that place?"

Remus tried again. "Tonks, what happened?"

Tonks shrugged helplessly. "Dumbledore's sent word to Sirius to go underground at Order HQ until his name's been officially cleared by the Ministry."

"Which may not be for quite a while, with that stupid git Fudge in charge," Moody added.

"That can't be right," Remus said. "The Order HQ was destroyed; the Death Eaters burnt it to the ground, just before they killed the Prewetts. We ended up operating out of the Ministry offices and whatever space we could poach."

"Not that one, the new Order HQ. Under high-level protection for his own safety," Moody explained, "which is a nice way of saying 'friendly house arrest', I'm afraid."

"The new HQ?"

"12 Grimmauld Place," Sirius snarled. "Locked up for the foreseeable future at ****ing Grimmauld Place."

Remus' heart sank so fast that he felt nauseated. Oh no. Unlike Tonks, or Moody for that matter, he remembered the times Sirius had raged in a towering fury, storming about their Hogwarts dorm, kicking objects and snarling how much he hated his old family home, how for two brass Knuts he'd happily torch the whole lot. The day Sirius had crossed the threshold of his own tiny flat, he'd burst into a wild whooping, dancing around like a lunatic, whirling Moony up into his joyful capers, crying 'Free! Free at last! Freeee-eee!!' Now, at his very lowest ebb, the last place on Earth Sirius would even want to think of visiting was the gloomy, decaying prison of Grimmauld Place.

"Oh, no... Why there?" he asked Moody, who'd taken a seat on the arm of the sofa and was watching Sirius pace. "Can't it be somewhere else? It's not as if this is the only safe place the Order can lay hands on, is it?"

"Actually, it is," Tonks said. "Arthur told me that all the old Order safe houses are under Ministry surveillance. Fudge is getting right bleeding paranoid. 'S only a matter of time before he starts muttering that I'm dyeing coded messages into my hair."

"It's really that bad?" Remus said. However, Fudge was far from the most serious problem. The Order safe houses had saved more lives than he could remember, giving members marked for death a place to keep out of sight until the threat passed. If the old hiding places were being watched, the Order members forced out into the open would be so very vulnerable, with nowhere to hide.

"Yeah, it's that bad," Tonks said. "I'm thinking of painting FUDGE IS A PRAT into the back just to stop him looking such a total berk."

"Tonks, this isn't the time to be mucking about," Moody warned. "If I remember rightly, not taking danger signs seriously was the reason you failed your Tracking test." Tonks, unfazed, wrinkled her nose at him.

"I'll risk it," Sirius said. "Moony, what about Padfoot? I could stay here as Padfoot, couldn't I? It could work. Just don't make me stay shut up in that old ruin, I'll go mad..." He turned to Remus, eyes searching Remus' face, hopeful, pleading, and Remus wanted, ached to say 'Of course, Sirius, we'll work something out. It'll be all right, you won't have to go back there...' But then Moody cleared his throat.

"It's not going to work, Sirius. Stay here and you're as good as dead."

"I said I'd stay as Padfoot! All the time, if I had to! Nobody would notice that, there'd be nothing to notice. Just a bloke looking after a friend's dog for a bit - "

"No, Sirius."

"Dammit, Moody, stop looking for problems!"

Moody's weird eye narrowed. Remus winced. Moody's temper was never particularly elastic, and he had a feeling that in any other situation Moody would have seriously considered hexing Sirius into the middle of next week until he started being more reasonable. As it was, he shook his head.

"I am not looking for problems, idiot. Your Padfoot disguise would keep you safe from the Ministry, but unfortunately for you, they aren't the only ones looking for you."

"But the Death Eaters don't know about Padfoot, do they?" Tonks said, surprised.

"Yes, they do," Moody said.

"That sodding rat," Sirius growled.

"Wormtail - Peter Pettigrew," Remus explained. "He, Sirius and James all became Animagi together while we were at Hogwarts - completely illegal, of course, not that we bothered much about that in those days - and he turns into a rat, hence the name. Naturally, he knows Sirius' transformed shape. Well enough to know him on sight."

"He's bound to have told the rest of the Death Eaters by now, and the minute word got around that there was an Order member with a big black dog living in the area, they'd put two and two together and come for you," Moody said. "Or that two-faced son of a bitch Lucius Malfoy'd do his civic duty and tip off the Ministry."

"Bastard," said Tonks, with feeling. "He's been sniffing around the Ministry a lot recently, and he looks at us girls like the other blokes look at a Playwizard model."

"Contemptuous?" Remus said, torn between sympathy and outrage.

"Predatory," Tonks said, shuddering.

"So basically I'm screwed whatever I do, right, Moody?" Sirius demanded. "Well, thanks. I really needed that hammering home."

"Hey, it's not his fault," Tonks said.

"No, it's mine. Merlin, I was a moron, wasn't I? Broke out of a secure cell in Azkhaban, risked my neck every way possible, and then after a year of not-so-glorious freedom I get locked up in the one place I hate even worse than Azkhaban, and I didn't even think that was possible. I should've stayed where I was. Being insane might've been fun after a while - "

"Sirius, please..." Remus could see Sirius' temper starting to bubble; he recognised the slightly hysterical edge to his voice. Tonks, however, was less familiar with Sirius' moods, and frowned.

"Will you knock it off with the self-pitying bit, Sirius? Anyone'd think we were hanging around cackling at the idea of locking you up in Grimmauld Place. Well, we aren't."

"Tonks, do us a favour and stay out of this, all right?" Sirius snapped, rounding on her. "This is Order business, it's got nothing to do with you."

Tonks bridled, her hair turning a brilliant fiery red to match her face and her temper. "No, I won't! It is my business. In case you forgot, I'm in the Order now, and I'm not ten years old any more either! We're only doing this because we don't want Fudge or You-Know-Who or some other loony getting to you! I haven't got many nice relatives, and I'd quite like to hang onto the ones I've got. And that includes you, even if you are acting like an arsey troll at the moment."

"God, that's true," Moody muttered.

"Oh thanks. With friends like you, who needs enemies?"

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Sirius, grow up!" Moody snarled. "It's the safest place we've got, and the best chance we have of keeping you alive! Do you really fancy the alternative? Waiting around until the Death Eaters nail you - or perhaps spot you and wait it out until you lead them back to Remus here? Is that what you want? Would you rather put his life at risk rather than tolerate your parents' house for a while? Well? Would you?"

Sirius had gone pale. "Of course I wouldn't!" he burst out, eyes darting to Remus. "What kind of bastard do you think I am?"

"Well, then? If you can't do it for your own safety, then do it for his. Come on; is it so hard? It's not as if any of your family is still there, it's been empty for years. You can paint the inside pink and use the portraits for dartboards if it makes you feel any better - "

"Stop making me sound so bloody childish," Sirius growled. He'd settled briefly on the creaky old coffee table, but looked ready to launch into pacing again at any moment.

"I hate to break it to you, Siri, but you're sounding pretty damn childish right now," Tonks observed.

"No offence, Tonks, but you really have no idea - no, you don't either,

Moody - what it's like. If you did, you'd understand."

"Would you rather be dead? Or in Azkhaban?"

"What's the difference?"

Moody threw up his hands in disgust. "I give in. There's no reasoning with you when you're in this mood - "

"In what mood?" Sirius demanded indignantly.

" - so I'll call back later, when I've got some news."

"I'd better go, too," Tonks said. "I've got some things at work I need to sort out before tomorrow."

Remus was glad Sirius didn't ask her to be more specific, but he didn't blame her.

"I'll see you later, Remus. And cheer up, Sirius - you'll live."

"Afternoon," Moody grunted, clapping his misshapen bowler onto his head. Two flashes of flame later, they were gone.

"What bloody mood?" Sirius repeated.

Remus didn't answer. He did know how much Sirius hated Grimmauld Place, and so he hadn't dared say what he'd wanted to say.

Please go. Please. I don't want to lose you again. Twelve years was bad enough; forever would kill me. But locking you up in that old ruin will kill you, or make your life so unbearable that you'd wish it could, so if I say any of this you're going to think I don't care. And I can't bear the thought of you hating me...

"Remus? Oh bloody great, now you're giving me the silent treatment." Sirius flung himself onto the sofa in temper, arms folding, glaring resentfully into the empty fireplace.

"I'm not, Sirius, really."

"Then why didn't you talk to me while the others were here? - no, forget talk, you barely looked at me. Or was I embarrassing you by acting like a spoilt brat?"

Remus turned away to fuse with the tea things, face a careful blank. "No, of course not."

"Yes, you were." Sirius scowled at the mat in front of the empty fireplace

"I wasn't - "

"You were," Sirius persisted, "because I was acting like a spoilt brat. I know I was. It's just - that place drives me mad! If I have to be locked up in there for months on end, I'll go insane for good! And when I tell anyone else that it sounds so stupid and petty, but it's not, and I can't explain it - Moony, you know what I mean, don't you?"

"Yes - well, no, but I remember how terribly miserable you used to be going home for the holidays. And no, I don't think you're being stupid," Remus admitted. Sirius flashed him a tiny smile and heaved a huge sigh.

"So, what are we going to do?"

We, he said 'we', a little ray of hope rejoiced in the back of Remus' mind, but he steeled himself and said. "I think you ought to do as Dumbledore suggested. Just until the Ministry clears you."

Sirius went white. "What?"

"I know you hate Grimmauld Place, but surely it's not worth dying just to avoid it?" Remus pleaded, seeing the stormclouds gather in Sirius' face. "I mean, you got through twelve years in Azkhaban. Nothing could be as bad as that - "

"Not as bad as Azkhaban?" Sirius gave a yap of laughter. "Let me see - locked up with your very worst memories and little hope of escaping them...doesn't sound all that different, does it?"

"It's not forever..."

"It might as well be. I loathed that place like nothing else on earth, not even sodding Snape, and Merlin only knows I hated his guts. I bet that vile old house-elf is still snouting around - and you're happy to bang me up in there for months, maybe years. And I thought you cared."

"I do, Sirius! Which is why I don't want to see you get killed!" Remus argued, feeling a needle of anger pierce his usual level-headedness.

"I'd rather be killed than spend the rest of my life buried alive in that old tomb! You're just nodding away to Dumbledore's orders as if it's nothing important. 'Of course, Dumbledore's so wise and reasonable, he must know what's best, and never mind Sirius' feelings, he'll get over it' - you, Moony!"

"You make it sound as if I'm betraying you," Remus said, hurt.

"Well, just what the hell else would you call it?" Sirius snarled.

For a full ten seconds Remus really could not take in what he had heard. And then, unfortunately, the part of Remus that had endured dig after dig while patiently murmuring 'He doesn't mean it, he doesn't really mean it', finally had enough, and erupted.

"Me, traitor? That takes the bloody biscuit, Sirius Black! You, the one who was so damn secretive about what he was up to that the whole bloody world - me included, and Merlin only knows that broke my heart, Sirius - though you were a mass murdering lunatic and Voldemort's spy; you, who told me nothing, despite the fact that I trusted you with the biggest secret I have, despite promising me we'd keep nothing from each other, you, who didn't even speak a word to me to clear your name or tell me the truth - you accuse me of betraying you? When all I've ever wanted was to keep you safe? I don't think I'm the one who could be called a traitor, do you? I never in my life gave you reason to think you couldn't trust me, no matter what you told me!"

Caught off guard by the unexpected rant from placid, reasonable Remus, Sirius sat gaping for a moment, but recovered fast. "Oh, yes, we had to bring that in, didn't we?"

"Yes, we damned well do," Remus said, feeling his jaw clench.

"Right? Then explain something to me. If you trusted me, absolutely and without a doubt, you tell me why you never, not once in twelve bloody years, visited me in Azkhaban to find out my side of the story. Not even to ask what really happened," Sirius snapped. "No - you doubted me, Remus, admit it!"

"That wasn't it at all! You'd just been arrested for being a Death Eater, nobody in the Order knew who to trust, we were all panicking like mad, and if I had gone sloping off to visit a convicted murderer someone was guaranteed to get the wrong idea, " Remus argued.

"In other words, you were more concerned with what people might think of you than of what I was going through in Azkhaban, for something I would never have done if my life depended on it!"

"No!" Remus shook his head, lost amongst all the accusations. "I didn't know what to think," he pleaded, "James and Lily were dead, and I still couldn't believe that- "

"But you did, Remus, enough to believe I'd killed them, or as good as killed them! You really thought I'd've handed over Prongs, Lily and little Harry over to be slaughtered - you must've done! Merlin, you don't think much of me, do you?"

"You never said a word to defend yourself, Sirius, and what was I to make of that?" Remus shot back, struggling to keep control and failing badly.

"And you'd've believed me if I had? Oh yeah, that'd work: 'It wasn't me, Moony, it was Peter. Yeah, I know there's a big gaping hole and a bit of his finger where he was standing, and every Hit Wizard in the Ministry is prepared to swear blind that I blew him to pieces, but it wasn't me, honest!' Come off it. No, you believed it, same as everyone else, and you left me in Azkhaban to rot, Remus, after you swore to me you'd never stop loving me, never!"

"I didn't, Sirius, and it nearly killed me," Remus cried, desperate. "What else could I do?"

"Not sit back while I'm locked up again, that's for damn sure!" Sirius roared. "Well, thanks for the stay and all, but no thanks." He strode past Remus and out into the kitchen. Remus hurried after him.

"Sirius? What are you doing?"

Sirius had snatched up the coat he'd borrowed from Kingsley. "What does it look like?"

Remus' anger was swallowed by rising panic. "Sirius? You can't just walk out - it's broad daylight, and you're still a wanted man -"

"If it's that or being buried alive in that mausoleum, I'll take my chances," Sirius said over his shoulder, shrugging into his coat and starting off down the hallway. Remus followed, catching up with him at the door.

"Please, Sirius, for God's sake don't! The Ministry will kill you, if the Death Eaters don't get there first! Please! If anything happened to you, I'd - "

"Forget about me, like before?" Sirius snarled, wrenching at the door handle. He hardly opened the door above a fraction before Remus lunged past him and shouldered it shut, wriggling between the door and Sirius and leaning his full weight on it. Sirius raised his head and glared at him.

"Remus, get out of the way."

Remus swallowed. "No," he whispered. "I won't let you throw your life away like this. I can't. I won't."

"Remus, do yourself a favour and bloody well move!"

"No, Sirius."

"Fine." Sirius half turned, and Remus relaxed, thinking that Sirius had seen reason at last. He'd forgotten how good Sirius had been at feinting in all their youthful duels, and so was unprepared when hands gripped his arms and he was physically dragged away from the door. He gasped, grabbing at Sirius' arms: the other man was stronger, even with the wasting effect of Azkhaban, but Remus clung to Sirius as if his life depended upon it, not giving up.

"Remus!" They struggled, Sirius' face locked into a mask of determination.

"No!" Remus all but shrieked the word. "Sirius, stop this, think about Harry, he needs you, I need you, Sirius, please! - "

"Will - you - get - OFF ME!" Sirius grunted, summoning a final reserve of strength to push Remus away. The shove caught Remus by surprise - he half stumbled and hit the hallway wall with a painfully heavy thud. His back twinged in indignation, but the pain hardly registered. All he could feel was the anguish tearing at his insides, as it dawned on him. The anger in that shove, the accusations, the way Sirius had shrugged Remus off, even when he was terrified - he knew the reason for it all, now... He slumped against the wall, eyes closed and hot tears painful behind his eyelids, face scarlet with effort and distress.

"Oh shit... Moony, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I... are you all right? Moony, speak to me..."

Remus didn't answer, too lost in misery.

"You hate me."

He heard the words spoken and didn't realise for a good minute that he had said them aloud.

Had the door opened? Had Sirius left? He couldn't tell, couldn't hear anything beyond the pounding in his head.

"Moony..."

He didn't open his eyes, not even when he felt Sirius' hands on his shoulders, felt the movement of air as he stepped close to Remus.

"Oh, Moony..." The words were soft, sorrowful, tender. What was happening? Was this a trick? Was Sirius trying to coax him into letting him leave now? Was-

Remus' train of thought uncoupled in confusion as Sirius' arms slid around him, gathering him into a tight embrace. He felt a hand brush his cheek, then cool, gentle kisses brushing against his heated forehead, eyelids, hair.

"Don't cry, Moony. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Sirius gently nudged Remus' head to one side, kissing his neck softly just above the collar. Remus, his eyes still tightly closed, felt the dark strands of Sirius' hair tickling his face, inhaled a lungful of his comforting scent and sighed.

"I'm a silly arse, Moony, I've been a total bastard to you and I can't tell you how sorry I am," Sirius murmured against Remus' neck. Remus didn't answer him, but his hands uncurled to lie flat on Sirius' chest.

"And I don't deserve for you to forgive me, I know - " He trailed off, suddenly awkward. "I'm not going to push you for it, either. I just want to...I dunno, ask for another chance. Start over. Because as unbelievable as it may seem right now, I really, really do love you."

Still nothing from Remus. Then, "I know."

"So? Shall we give it another go?"

Remus nodded. "Yes, Pads."

A hand slid off Remus' back to curve up and catch his chin, tilting his head up so that he was looking into Sirius' eyes. Sirius smiled briefly, then bent his head that little bit nearer and kissed Remus, kissed him with such tenderness and affection that it was almost as if all their years apart had been a horrible dream. Almost, Remus thought, as his fingers wound into Sirius' hair. Not quite. No matter how hard he tried he could still taste a hint of regret, regret for the suspicion, the pain and the loss they'd both endured. The tears started to rise again, not out of pain this time but from joy and sorrow mingling like their breath...

Neither of them drew away for a long time. When Sirius finally broke contact to look at Remus, Remus was smiling at him, a sweet tranquil smile that Sirius recognised from some of their happiest moments together. He kissed Remus' forehead gently, just over a silvery scar that led up from his brows.

Remus stirred. He had to say this, he just had to. "Pads?"

"Mmm?"

"I love you too."

"Best thing I've heard all week." Sirius' arm slid around Remus' waist and steered him towards the kitchen. "Come on, it's too cold out here. Let's go somewhere a bit more comfortable. And if I know you, you'll be dying for a cup of tea, too."

Remus chuckled, and not only because Sirius was dead right.

Usually, Sirius hated to hang around while Remus went through his tea-making ritual, but this time he sat quietly at the table, as if reluctant to be parted from Remus for a minute, amusing himself by building little sugar pyramids out of the cubes in the bowls until he got bored and ate them. Remus still felt so light-headed with joy and relief that even that tiny bit of playfulness made him want to sweep Sirius up into his arms and hug and kiss him forever, but luckily for the crockery the hissing kettle distracted him.

They took their tea into the living room, leaving it on the coffee table while they occupied the sofa. The invisible wall had dissolved somehow, and they couldn't sit close enough, finally settling with Remus' head tucked against Sirius' neck and Sirius' left leg hooked over Remus' knees. Sirius' hand was idly stroking Remus' hair, and Remus, enjoying the contact, felt far too comfortable to want to talk. Sirius, on the other hand, did want to talk: Remus could tell it in the way he kept shifting slightly, sighing, a slight but definite tension in his body.

"Knut for them," he said eventually.

"Hm?"

"You wanted to say something. What is it?"

"It's a bloody stupid question."

"Ask it anyway."

"You sure? Cause I don't want to start rowing again. I don't want to get at you, Moony, but it might sound that way. It's just...I need to ask. So I know."

Remus thought, frowning into Sirius' shoulder. Sirius noticed the expression and backtracked hastily. "It's all right. It's not important, just me being nosy. Forget about it - "

"No, go on. I won't get cross."

"All right." Sirius sighed, hooked a strand of hair out of his eyes and rested his chin on the top of Remus' head. "I just wondered... When I was in Azkhaban, the other prisoners, they'd get visitors sometimes, family, friends, things like that. And they'd be disgusted, most of the time, at what the prisoner had done, but they'd still come to see them, even if it was just the once, just to hear them say it instead of the Ministry or the papers. Or to ask them why they did it. Kind of a closure thing, maybe. And after what happened, James and Lily dying, Peter vanishing... I wondered if you'd visit me. But you never did." Remus said nothing, but he wasn't tense or frowning, so Sirius carried on. " I mean, when you think how we were then... I thought that if it had been me, I'd want to hear it from you. Just so I knew. And maybe so I could hex you to buggery," he admitted. "Like I said, stupid question - "

"No, it's all right." Remus shifted position so that he could comfortably look Sirius in the eye. "The honest answer is I don't know, Pads. I felt so guilty after it happened: partly because I thought if I'd noticed what was going on James and Lily might have lived - "

"I know how that feels," Sirius muttered, eyes suddenly too bright. "I'm sorry, Moony, go on. I'll shut up."

Remus squeezed Sirius' arm gently and continued. " And then I started to wonder whether if I'd paid more attention to you I'd have seen it coming, maybe been able to persuade you to stay on our side. I suppose I never dared visit in case everything I'd heard about you and the Death Eaters was true; that you'd betrayed our best friends in cold blood, you'd never loved me ... hell that you basically despised me. I couldn't bear to see you, in the flesh, laughing at how much you'd hurt me. It was just too much."

"Oh, Moony..." Sirius said tenderly, brushing a kiss onto Remus' temple. They sat in silence for several minutes, lulled by the sound of each other's breathing. "I missed you, you know," Sirius said at last.

"Really?"

"Oh yes. Every hour of every blasted day. I couldn't even think of the good times we'd had together, or those bloody monsters would have taken the memories away, and losing everything I had left of you - damn, then I would have gone insane."

"But you didn't. Harry needed you to stay sane for him," Remus reminded him.

" I know," Sirius sighed. "I know. It was because of him that I stayed close to Hogwarts last year. Dumbledore knew something was going on, but it was taking him a while to find out what - and all the time Harry was out on his own with that murdering bastard Crouch after his blood."

"I'll never understand how Barty Crouch kept that a secret for so long," Remus commented. "Or why."

"Guilt," Sirius said. "Anyway, Dumbledore thought I should keep my distance, given the amount of Ministry people hanging around the Triwizard, but I insisted that I'd stay near Hogwarts. Just so that Harry would have someone there, and not have to face it alone..." He fell silent. "But as it happened, he had to face it alone anyway."

"You couldn't have prevented that," Remus said. "Nobody could."

"Poor little sod must have been terrified," Sirius whispered, swallowing hard.

"He's holding up well."

"Damn right. He's Lily and Prongsy's kid to the bone." A smile flickered across Sirius' face, and he rested his forehead on Remus' shoulder.

"He still needs you, Sirius. Now more than ever."

"I have a feeling that I know where this is going," Sirius said, muffled by Remus' shoulder. Remus shrugged.

"Yes, you probably do. We need you, Sirius, Harry and me both. If you got yourself killed I don't know what we'd do. I don't even want to think about it."

"I know, Moony."

"But I don't want you to be miserable, either," Remus added, turning to look at Sirius, catching a glimpse of a grey eye half-closed, watching him through the mane of black hair. With another heavy sigh, Sirius straightened up and gazed at Remus' serious face.

"You know I hate that place, Moony. But it's Grimmauld Place or the Other Place, that's what you're saying, right?"

"The Other Place wouldn't suit you at all, Pads," Remus said. "But yes, that's pretty much it."

Sirius nodded, staring at the wall behind Remus' shoulder gloomily. "You'll visit, though? You and Harry?"

" I was thinking I could come and stay for a while, help with sorting the place out. And I'll ask Dumbledore about getting Harry permission to come over in the holidays. He certainly won't be dying to get back to his aunt and uncle."

"There'd be room for Buckbeak as well. Who knows, I might even be able to get him to eat Kreacher." His face fell. "Oh hell. Kreacher."

Remus kissed the gathering frown. "We'll manage. I don't want to lose you again, Sirius."

Sirius raised his head just enough to touch lips with Remus, a soft brush of a kiss. "Don't worry, Moony," he whispered. "You won't."

Remus smiled, and kissed him again.

The morning sunshine woke Remus as it streamed through a gap in the curtains and fell across his face. He struggled up, rubbing his eyes blearily and squinting at the bedside clock. Beside him, Sirius shifted and muttered as the cool air hit his bare back. He rolled over as Remus turned to him, grey eyes opening. His eyes took in Remus, outlined in the sunlight and covered by no more than a sheet, and he smiled sleepily.

"No nightmares, then?" Remus asked, one hand brushing Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius smiled, and shook his head.