Not Like You

You walk down the empty corridor, your heart pounding loudly in your ears and your stomach twisting in knots. You are on your way to see her. For the last time. Your heart is breaking at the mere thought of doing this. But you know that it is the best thing. Surely she will understand that. You step outside, headed for the large tree by the side of the lake. As you get closer, you can see the outline of her body. You take a deep breath and step forward, placing yourself in front of her. She smiles brightly at you, her eyes glittering, and you find yourself smiling back as she wraps her arms around your neck. But a familiar face passes through your mind and you step back, frowning slightly.

"Lily, I can’t do this."

"Can’t do what?" she asks, laughing nervously.

"This. Us."

Hurt flashes across her features. "Why?"

"You know why," you say, running a hand through your light brown hair.

"But I don’t love him. I love you. Don’t I get a say in this?"

"He loves you. And I can’t do this to him."

"To him?" Her voice rises in anger. "What about me? What about what I want? Or do I not matter anymore?"

"Of course you matter! Do you think this is what I want to do?? It’s not. This is killing me."

"Then don’t do it," she says, her face softening a bit. She steps toward him, but once again he pulls back.

"I have to. You may not love him now, but give him a chance and you will. He can give you things I can’t. A life that I can’t."

"I don’t care about normality. I care about you! And I won’t let you do this."

"I’m sorry," you say again, turning away.

"Remus . . . please . . . Don’t do this to me," she pleads, tears filling her eyes. "I love you."

But you are already walking away.

*

You are right, it seems. In less than a year, she is with James. They appear happy enough, though sometimes you wonder if her eyes sparkle as much now as they used to. James is ecstatic. This is what he has been working for since he first set eyes on her. He talks about her incessantly, earning taunts from Sirius. But you, for the most part, stay silent. You often think about what it would be like, had you not ended things with her. Your dreams are filled with kisses and smiles, and you wake up with tears in your eyes. No one will ever know what it does to you to see the two of them together. Sometimes she sneaks a glance at you, and you can feel her eyes. These are the times when you leave abruptly, drawing curious stares from your companions, and retreat to your room. You drown in memories and a bottle of Ogden’s Fire Whiskey.

And on their last day of school, James proposes. Lily, after a moment of stunned silence, accepts. What is left of your heart crumbles. James sweeps her into an embrace, and over his shoulder her eyes lock on yours. This time you do not look away, but allow yourself one moment to look into her eyes as you used to. There is a certain sadness in them that wasn’t there before, and you feel a pang of guilt. She approaches you after the graduation ceremony, standing beside the old tree where you used to meet.

"Congratulations," you say, trying to keep your voice level.

She absently twirls her new engagement ring around her finger and looks at the ground. "Thank you." Her voice is small and it hurts to hear her sounding so defeated. Or maybe it is all in your imagination.

"Do you love him?"

She looks up at you. "Yes. But not–"

She breaks off, her eyes shining with the threat of new tears, and the words left unspoken are heavy in the air.

 But not like you.